[Music: Charlie on the MTA]
[Music fades out]
[Music: Tosa Waltz]
MALLORY — JOHANNA BODNYK
First off, you gotta know about this fucking guy named Leon, the human equivalent of a grandfather clock. If you came up to me and were like “Mallory, you can take a bet on anything in the world and if you win get one million dollars and if you lose we take all your animals away to a puppy mill, what do you wanna bet on,” I’d probably bet that Leon measured the exact number of bran flakes for every breakfast he ever ate. And he sure as shit ate brain flakes because he was sure to know when his shit was sure to hit, if you know what I mean. If nothing else, that motherfucker was regular.
Anyway, back when I worked at Wonderland, he looked down the first big drop and decided he’d rather die than leave his shit to chance. He didn’t kill himself or anything dramatic. He looked at the drop, wasn’t feeling it 100% and just fucking croaked. End of story.
LEON — BRADEN LAMB
Actually, no, not end of story, beginning of story. His sister Nica’s sitting there and she’s losing her shit, just staring at floppy dead Leon feeling like sidewalk-frieddogshit because she convinced him to go on the coaster in the first place. Leon’s relationship with this photographer chick named Louisa just blew up and Nica wanted to boost his spirits. Don’t ask me why she didn’t buy him a new closet organizer or one of those things you hang up by the door to slip your fucking shoes into. Seems like he’d like that more, but fuck do I know?
So Nica won’t get out of the roller coaster until Leon’s best friend Michael shows up to take her home.
[Music: Shove that Pig’s Foot a Little Farther in the Fire]
And holy shit, I’ve seen fucking couch stains looked more put together than this sadass motherfucker. Turns out he was couch surfing with Leon after losing his job. He was an alcoholic and Leon was trying to help bandaid his life back together but, fuck me, Johnson and Johnson don’t have enough latex at the factory for this about-to-fall-off-the-wagon sack of sadass shit. He takes one look at Leon and I could almost see his eyes turn whiskey boozey brown.
So he takes Nica home and goes back to Leon’s to work really hard at putting the ank in tanked. Meanwhile, this profane badass-bitch-of-a-boss named Gemma calls Leon out of the blue for a job interview.
[New agey Gong & Didgeridoo music]
She’s got this crystal ball for a work anniversary and she’s thinking about grinding it up and eating it or some crazy shit? Instead, she tosses it and hits a stack of resumes. The ball lands on Leon so she gives him a call and drunk-as-a-fucking-skunk Michael picks up and is like “he’s dead, why not give me a shot?” And the crazy shit is? Badass Gemma is all like “sure, why not, I hate my job and if I have to read another kissass cover letter I’m gonna bite into this crystal ball like an apple. So show up tomorrow and you’re fucking hired, totally obviously hungover half-drunk man. Have a great goddamn day.”
Meanwhile, Louisa’s all messed up because she’s a wedding photographer and she just got done working for these people who got married on the Red Line.
[Music: Train-like drumming]
Can you believe that? Had to close down an entire leg of the MBTA just so these snotty nosed pissants can get married, like the most obnoxious party bus ever. And to make it worse, she keeps getting these creepy scheduling messages in her shared Google calendar from Leon, who pushed her into sharing it because like duh, he’s Leon. And get this, out of nowhere quote-unfucking-quote “Leon” schedules to come by and pick up his old shit from her place. Louisa doesn’t even really like this guy but his death makes her feel the fucking feels and just when she’s moving on, Leon’s ghost schedules in some quality time. I mean, W.T. fuck?
[Music: Funeral Chorale]
But I’m getting way ahead of myself. Because back at the funeral? Nica is up there blabbing about her other brother. Dimitri? He’s that younger brother type that thinks he fucking knows everything and leaves town to conquer the world. Little shit had a big ol’ sendoff for himself, and gave everyone puzzle boxes to celebrate, then goes looking for big foot or some hippy sci-fi voodoo nonsense? Doesn’t find him but ends up in some submarine or some such bullshit I don’t even think I believe. All I know is that he’s not there when Nica needs him.
[Music: Busker drumming]
Meanwhile, Gemma, that badass bitch who works for ThirdSight Publications? Oh right, they’re like a magazine for people who take horoscopes too fucking serious. Gemma is married to this other badass bitch named Charlotte. She’s preggers as fuck and riding the Red Line out of sheer boredom and she runs into that Mayor of the Red Line guy who has the birdbrain, batshit idea of taking the Red Line and turning it into a city. I mean, it’s bad enough you turn Red Line into a wedding, no, this fuckwad wants it to be condos.
Anyway, Charlotte’s bored as a comatose fuck so she agrees to help the Mayor get his referendum passed and she draws up all these sick plans of what the city could look like if the shit idea actually passed.
And here’s the crazy thing—the shit did pass, and I mean that literally and figuratively because it lands right in the goddamn toilet with the loudest plop possible. Imagine a circus with all the clowns getting drunk and trying to kill each other and substitute trains for tents, that might give you a general fucking idea. And it mostly goes to hell in a shitbasket because that Mayor asshole just up and leaves as soon as his grand idea goes on the books, and baddass prego Charlotte is left holding the fucking bag.
Why did it pass? Good question, I mean you’d be surprised about how many people voted for this bullshit. I voted for it because of her. Charlotte, yeah.
She jumped into the subway tracks to heave-ho some dickless fratboy butthole over the yellow line after he free-jumped his ass into unconsciousness, thinking he was all dipshit king of parkour after watching my cousin JoeJoe jump the gap at Park Street during a rally for the Mayor.
[Music: Farewell to Nigg]
Meanwhile, guess who else is at that rally? That Nica chick, and just like when she saw dead brother Leon, she stands there frozen like a fucking freezepop in Antartica. Apparently she got invited to this seance by this hippy dippy asswipe at Third Sight named Extinction Event? Anyway, Nica’s convinced that Leon wanted to send word to her brother and maybe save someone. Apparently there’s some serious family baggage there and Nica froze up when Dimitri fell into some ice or some bullshit when they were kids? I don’t know, girl’s got drama. Anyway, she’s beating herself up yet again because she doesn’t do jack or shit for Dickless McFratFart the Self Appointed Asshole King of Parkour and she’s feeling even worse for herself because her whole thing was she wanted to be famous or something?
Anyway, she’s all sad so she goes to the Charles to throw this message in a bottle to Dimitri who is still riding around underwater in a submarine looking for Atlantis like a fucking bitch. And some dude named Tyrell who works at Third Sight was all sad and thinking of jumping into the river because he was mad at Extinction Event? But I guess somehow seeing Nica throw that shit like a champ got him to turn it the fuck around.
[Music: Circus Music]
Meanwhile, Michael is working at Third Sight, with Extinction Event up his ass so far he could give him five fucking lifetimes worth of proctology exams, and Michael has no idea what he’s doing and there’s like fucking boozie traps everywhere. Michael just can’t deal so he dials up old dingdong dead Leon for moral and spiritual support and that’s when he starts emulating his calendar.
Yeah, that’s right. He’s the reason poor Louisa is confused as a tourist clusterfucking their way through their first New England rotary. But she vows to figure it out and sets out to track Michael down, but first she runs into badass bitch Gemma who’s exploring the new Red Line, which is about as chaotic as a barrel of fucking monkeys in a shitstorm of an earthquake.
[New agey Gong & Didgeridoo music]
Someone steals Gemma’s crystal and she’s, like, become attached to it because it makes her feel better after she gets fired or some shit? I know, she did a complete 180 on that. 180 or 360? 180 I think, but whatever the fuck. She wants the ball back and Louisa, who gave up being a wedding photographer after that Party Bus on a train ride to hell wedding, she’s ready for something new. So now she’s a forensic photographer for Red Line, taking pictures of crime scenes, cool shit like that.
Meanwhile, badass Gemma organizes the shit out of hell-on-earth Redline while Charlotte rests from delivering the baby. Nica goes bonkers on a train, goes back to Wonderland, rides around like a crazy person until she meets this old dude who says he knows her. She says “nope” just like her brother did before he died and goes for one more ride, throwing that shitty puzzle box clear into the next county. And bitchass Dimitri finds some dead people in Atlantis and is like “fuck this, I’m going home.” Psh. Good luck with that, dude. Your brother is dead and your sister is gonna kick your nuts clear out your throat next time she sees you.
[Music: Circus Music + Om Chanting]
Oh, and Michael? He runs into the Mayor right before he’s about to skip town. Mayor of Red Line my ass, more like Mayor of the Chickenshit Yellow Belly line. And good old Michael just got evicted from his place, and he’s thinking about drinking because his life just blew clear to shit again, but he DOESN’T drink because he’s like, dude it’s all about choice, just like you’re choosing to be a little fucking chickenshit bitch right now, which, whatever dude, if that’s what you want, but fucking own that shit Mr. Fucking Bitchass Shitheel Mayor of Chickenshit YellowBelly Bullshit Town.
So yeah, that piece of sadass bag of shit Michael ended up being cool in my book. No idea where the mayor went, but fuck that guy, right?
[MUSIC: Charlie on the MTA]
Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason.
This episode featured Johanna Bodnyk as Mallory and Braden Lamb as Leon.
All music in this episode was performed by Adrienne Howard, Emily Peterson, Dirk Tiede, and/or Jim Johanson.
Additional sound effects used from creative common sources.
The new season of Greater Boston returns in January! The first new episode of season 2 airs on January 24th. We hope you’ll be listening!
…just like you’re choosing to be a little fucking chickenshit bitch right now, which, whatever dude, if that’s what you want, but fucking own that shit Mr. Fucking Bitchass Shitheel Mayor of Chickenshit Yellow [chokes]
Alright guys, come on!
JEFF VAN DREASON
- Strong Language
- Scatallogical humor
- Reference to drinking/alcoholism