[Ambient noises and jazz drones and play throughout fade up. Someone handwriting a letter. A typewriter. A computer. The typewriter jumps to a new line, producing a ding].
STAY JUICY IN ST JOHN — Ryan Estrada
I have a very strong distaste for raisins, craisins, blaisins, plaisins, cherraisins, banaisins and other such “humiliated fruits,” as they’re called here in Canada. Is it possible that I choked to death on a piece of fruitcake in a former life?
Stay Juicy in St. John
[Monk drones build and fade through Leon’s response].
LEON — Braden Lamb
Dear Stay Juicy,
Let’s go with “yes.” You did, in fact, choke to death on a piece of fruitcake in your past life. I don’t know how this information will benefit you in this life, but there you go.
[Fuzzy version of ‘The Tosa Waltz’ fades in and out between static during Squatch’s letter].
SQUATCH FOR LIFE — Blair Dawson
My husband and I have been married for twenty years, and in that time have dedicated much of our time together to finding and documenting proof of the North American Sasquatch. This has been the driving goal of our lives, and the unifying mission of our marriage. However, my husband has recently confessed to me that he no longer believes the Sasquatch is truly out there, and hasn’t for some years. I am heartbroken by his loss of faith. I don’t want to lose him, but can our marriage survive such a fundamental fracture?
Squatch for Life in Portland
[Monk drones rise again]
While it is true that marriages between people of differing belief systems often face particular challenges, in our modern times, interfaith marriages are common, and can be as harmonious and loving as any other marriage. It is less important that he believes what you believe than that he simply believes in you. So long as he continues to support you in your quest, there is no reason why your marriage can’t remain as rewarding as it has ever been.
[Monk drones fade out]
[Distorted sound of the MBTA runs under Isaiah’s letter]
ISAIAH — Mario Da Rosa Jr.
How do you convince someone to confess a secret? I’ve got this loved one who is keeping a whopper. Actually, no, it’s not that big of a deal. I mean, if people knew about it, they’d be like — okay, cool. And that would be that. But by keeping it a secret, it kinda turns it into a big deal? Like this person’s got something to hide, you know what I mean? How do I get them to see that it isn’t a big deal and that it would be better for them to just let people know. Before they find out.
Doubting in Dorchester
[Monk drones fade in and then out again]
Secrets exist because people don’t want anyone to know. Perhaps the question you need to ask is not how to get this person to confess this harmless little secret. Instead, ask yourself why they don’t see it harmless in the first place.
[Ambient, droning music fades. Drive the Cold Away fades in and plays throughout].
NICA — Kelly McCabe
I need your advice. Lately I’ve found myself dealing with a really weird feeling. It’s almost as if I’m standing outside myself, watching my body do very unusual, strange things. It’s not like I’m sleepwalking and I wouldn’t call this an out of body experience really. It’s more like this movie I saw once where Ben Affleck was engaging in all these criminal activities like being a super cyber hacker or dog napping — and Matt Damon would follow him around and watch him do it? But Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were actually the same guy! Matt Damon just invented Ben Affleck so he could create a little bit of distance. So he wouldn’t feel so bad about doing those things himself.
I’m grossed out about the types of things I’m seeing myself do, but there’s a huge part of me that feels like I need them, that depends on them just to kinda feel a little more okay. I’ve had a tough time lately and these things I see myself doing, they give me a sense of peace, a sense of calm, even though there’s another part of me that acknowledges I shouldn’t be behaving like another person entirely.
I mean, what kind of person does that? What kind of person pretends to be Matt Damon just so they don’t have to deal with the fact that they’re being a really big Ben Affleck?
Olive in Gardner
Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with recording and technical assistance from Marc Harmon.
Enjoying the show? You can let us know by tweeting us @inGreaterBoston
In order of appearance, this mini-episode featured: Ryan Estrada as Stay Juicy in St. John, Blair Dawson as Squatch for Life, Mario Da Rosa Jr. as Isaiah Powell and Kelly McCabe as Nica Stamatis.
The Tosa Waltz is by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede. Drive the Cold Away by Adrienne Howard, Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede. Some sound effects and music used from public domain and creative commons sources.
Special thanks to James Oliva for recording assistance.
Episode transcripts will be posted online at GreaterBostonShow.com.
And be sure to check out Ryan’s wild internet heist show, Big Data, where you’ll find guest appearances by several familiar Greater Boston characters.
I don’t believe in Phyllis Navidad! I don’t believe in Phyllis Navidad! I don’t believe in Phyllis — you wanna come over here and yell some with me?
No you do it.
I don’t believe in Phyllis Navidad! I don’t even know who that is. I don’t have the context for this. But I don’t believe in it! It’s a bunch of hogwash is what it is! It’s all lies and garbage this Phyllis Navidad….bullcrap.
Who is she, anyway?
I don’t know who she is but I don’t believe in her! Because I’m not even gonna read anything about her ‘cause I don’t believe in readin’ things I don’t believe in. Because I am in an echo chamber on Facebook and I just listen to things I already believe and I don’t believe in Phyllis Navidad!