Transcript for Episode 31: Election Day, Part 2

CHUCK OCTAGON – Jeff Van Dreason
WIthout telling me your name, or what you do for a living, or the fact that you’re a student. Who are you? And what do you think you’re doing here in this Earth, in this life

[Charlie on the MTA plays]

INTERVIEW
I think what I’m doing here on this life is what I feel like I can freely choose to do.

CHUCK

Which is what?

INTERVIEW

Basically anything I feel like.

PREVIOUSLY IN

ARUN SANNUTI

Previously, in Greater Boston:

ISABELLE POWELL – Jessica Washington

Where are you going?

ISAIAH POWELL – Mario de Rosa

Gonna try to meet up with someone.

ISABELLE
A friend?

ISAIAH

I don’t know yet. Maybe.

DIPSHIT POLETTI – James Capobianco
That’s the thing. I don’t think I’m ready to come home yet.

MICHAEL TATE – James Oliva

I was on my own. Finally.

WANDA MCINTOSH – Tanja Milojevic
Yeah it’s election day. I’ll track down our old HR person, Tyrell.

LEON STAMATIS – Braden Lamb

He turned up the volume on the episode of Star Trek he was watching. There was a convention coming up he wished he could go to.

PHIL WEST – Michael Melia
I can leave clues for Louisa!

 

S3 TITLE SEQUENCE

Multiple Voices

Fields Corner
Hyde Park

Want it in character voice or real voice?
East Boston
Alright
Malden
Red Line
Dorchester
Salem
Somerville
West Roxbury
Hanson
Worcester
Malden
This..

Somerville

Revere
…is
Uhh…I’ve lived in Lemonster my whole life
Brighton
Uhh…I live in Milton, Massachusetts
Roslindale
(That’s where I’m from)

East Boston
I’m from Dorchester
This is…

South Boston
This is…
In Brockton

Medford, Massachusetts

[Laughter]
Red Line

Dorchester

This is…

This is…

This is…

Greater Boston

 

THIS WEEK

JEFF VAN DREASON

This week in Greater Boston, Episode 31: Election Day, Part 2

[CHARLIE on the MTA music fades out]

 

UNFAMILIAR TOE

[Red Line train noise from the inside of a train].

LEON STAMATIS – Braden Lamb

Dipshit Poletti needed a place to stay. He wanted to distance himself from his family and he didn’t need anything fancy, just a warm place to sleep with enough utilities to plan his attempts to track down the people threatening to sell the commune’s land.

And he knew just the place. Third Sight Media.

LEON

But in the process of making his transfer, he ran into someone familiar.

ISAIAH POWELL – Mario de Rosa

Hey! Hey, uhh — Dip. Hey. I’ve been looking all over for you.

DIPSHIT

Isaiah! It’s so good to see you free and clear.

ISAIAH

I wanted to thank you.

DIPSHIT

Please, there’s no need. If anything, you should be condemning me for my part in getting you incarcerated in the first place.

ISAIAH

Yeah. I guess so. Except I don’t think you had anything to do with that.

DIPSHIT

What do you mean?

ISAIAH

When I was released, they told me it was because they got evidence on some guy who actually did the things they thought I did. Dude left more fingerprints than tourists on John Harvard’s toe.

DIPSHIT

I am unfamiliar with this infamous toe.

ISAIAH

It …doesn’t matter. The point is, I’m guessing this finger-printer wasn’t you. Otherwise you’d still be in jail. The Red Line sense of justice is fucked up, but even I don’t think it’s that fucked up.

DIPSHIT

It’s true, I wasn’t directly responsible for you being framed. But I did have a role to play. And I played it. So I deserve none of your thanks.

ISAIAH

Yes, you do. If not for that then — then for the letter you sent me in jail. You took a risk sliding that through the bars. If the guards saw that, who knows what they would have done? And honestly? That little note kept me going. I had really mixed feelings about being in that cell. In some ways I still do. But what you wrote to me about — your commune? Your family. Its structure. The way its run. It really suggested something to me that — well. I’d really like to learn more about.

DIPSHIT

You want to join the commune?

ISAIAH

Uhh, well, I’m not sure I’m ready to commit to that yet, exactly. But your sense of shared responsibility and governance? Look, I’ll be real with you. I love my Aunt and I want her to win. But even if she does, I’m not sure anything serious is going to change. Because this whole system extends beyond leadership. And the direction it extends to is right down into the dirt.

DIPSHIT

To harvest and grow new life, you mean? Are you a Brother Vegan?

ISAIAH

I just meant, like, corruption, you know?

DIPSHIT

Well then, I neglect to inform you that I won’t be returning to the commune anytime soon.

ISAIAH

Why not?

DIPSHIT

While incarcerated, I was threatened by a rather ominous entity.

ISAIAH

A …ghost?

DIPSHIT

In the spiritual sense, perhaps, but no, he was very much corporal and living. He planned to set in motion a string of events that would sell the land my family lives on right out from under them. I sense my former employer, the Publisher of Third Sight Media, may be involved with this.

ISAIAH

Just like they were involved with me getting arrested.

DIPSHIT

Correct. But I have no proof, nor do I know anything about my former employer aside from his name. And so I plan to gather evidence and learn what I can. I’m heading to my former place of employment to see what I can find, and sleep there if need be, until I learn enough to send me on a direction that will keep my family safe from harm.

ISAIAH

You’re going to sleep at your job?

DIPSHIT

My former place of employment, yes. If I can find a way inside.

ISAIAH

I mean, you can crash at my place if you want. But sure, let’s go to Third Sight first to see what we can find.

DIPSHIT

You — you want to join me?

ISAIAH

Yeah. I want to find out who really put me in jail just as much as you do. What’s his name, by the way?

DIPSHIT

West. Oliver West.

[Dipshit and Isaiah transfer onto a Green Line train]

LEON

Third Sight should have been empty.

[Attempts to open a locked door. Repeats.]

Or so Dipshit thought. He knew of a few secret ways to get inside the building. Or so he thought. Once inside, they might even find clues pointing towards Oliver West.Or so Dipshit thought.

[Transition from Green Line noise to public space].

LEON

They tried all the locks, one by one, and even the service entrance Dipshit had a special key for. All were locked.

[Crystal ball rolling]

ISAIAH

What is that?

LEON

But when they arrived at the Third Sight parking lot, Dipshit and Isaiah made a shocking discovery. Gemma’s crystal ball, rolling around freely in the wind.

He bent down to pick it up, when —

[Tube noise]

ISAIAH

Whoa! Okay, now what is *that?*

DIPSHIT

The publisher. This is how he would communicate with me, it’s why I know next to nothing about him.

ISAIAH

He’s still inside?

DIPSHIT

It would make for a brilliant hiding spot. Commit crimes, shutter the offices and hide in plain sight. Weasley scoundrel.

[Opens tube]

DIPSHIT / MICHAEL [Voice]

Don’t touch the ball.

DIPSHIT

Oh, you think I’m going to listen to you after all this? Well you have another think coming, sir.

ISAIAH

Maybe you should think about —

LEON

And with that, Dipshit bent over and —

[Montage of Leon monologuing. Flashes of Leon and Oliver and Ethan and Oliver meeting with LEGION]

DIPSHIT [Gasping, ball drops]

AHRRGHHH! Oh my word. Oh misery me.

ISAIAH

You okay? You — you kinda went blank for a second there.

DIPSHIT

Blank?

ISAIAH

Yeah, your face just kinda…fell off. You know, not literally, but —  

[Tube noise. Isaiah bends over, opens tube]

ISAIAH / MICHAEL

This is not a publisher. This is a friend. Bring the ball to Gemma but don’t touch it!

DIPSHIT

A friend? A likely story. What kind of friend would have me touch that god awful contraption?

ISAIAH

I mean, he kinda did warn you not to touch it. Who’s Gemma?

DIPSHIT

The human antithesis of sustainability.

ISAIAH

Wow.

DIPSHIT

Also an old co-worker and supervisor. And — well, she’s the woman who released us.

ISAIAH

Oh. That Gemma, the Mayor’s wife. What does she want with this ball?

DIPSHIT

If it’s the ball I think it is, it belongs to her. But I saw something just now. Something — something important in those unpleasant flashes transporting throughout my frazzled faculty. The man who visited me in jail. He was meeting with two other men who look just like him. And a fourth man. And I can’t explain it, but a deep, insistent voice in my head tells me that man is Oliver West.

ISAIAH

Do you know where they are?

DIPSHIT

I do. They’re hiding. In Wonderland.

ISAIAH

Then that’s where we need to go.

[TUBE]

 

MICHAEL / ISAIAH / DIPSHIT

TAKE. THE BALL. TO. GEMMA.

ISAIAH

This tube person seems pretty adamant about that.

DIPSHIT

Indeed. Which is making me very suspicious. Still, I promised Gemma I would delivery any news of her ball to her post haste not too long ago. A proposition. Why don’t you deliver the ball to her and I’ll poke around Wonderland to see what I can find?

ISAIAH

Uhh, your situation may be different than mine, but the only reason I got out of jail is because they found the real person who did this. And the woman who first booked me at processing? Gemma Linzer-Coolidge. So fuck any favors you may owe her. She’s been without her ball this long. She can wait. I’d rather stick together. I want to find this prick and get some answers. Besides, you may need my help.

DIPSHIT

Very well. As long as we promise to deliver the ball to Gemma immediately after our excursion to Wonderland. [They walk away] There’s only one thing troubling me.

ISAIAH

What’s that?

DIPSHIT

If West is at Wonderland, who is sending all those tubes?

LEON

Michael, you Dipshit. It’s Michael. (Calling) Michael!

 

MICHAEL PNEUMATIC

[Michael’s theme plays]

ISAIAH [Surveillance]

What is that?

MICHAEL TATE – James Oliva

Right before I notice Dipshit and some kid standing outside on one of the video monitors, Oliver’s old fashioned computer makes a weird pinging noise, almost like a submarine?

[Computer pings]

I’d set it up to notify me about any activity concerning his funds. I wanted to make sure that if someone cut off the payments I was making to Third Sight employees I would at least know about it, maybe try to send some warning through the tubes. So I check out the pings and see two recent purchases.

A ticket to an upcoming Star Trek convention.

A payment sent to “WheeSing” Entertainment. Whee. As in…”wheeee!

The purchasing account isn’t one I’ve seen before, but when I click the account number I can track other purchases used by it in the past. There was one other transaction from “WheeSing” entertainment, dated April 13th from last year. Just about a week before the Red Line Tea Party attack.

The Tea Party Attack.

WheeSing Entertainment.

[Sighs]

I wonder if Louisa ever received my calendar update. Hmm. Her first date with Phil, how the balloons with tea leaves exploded? The Singing Telegram Man wasn’t central to the Tea Party plot. That was something specific just for Louisa. An attempt to get her to trust Phil, given that her and Phil both quote-unquote suffered the same attack. Well, no quotes for her. Quotes for him. You know what I mean.

So it’s logical that Phil hired the Singing Telegram Man anonymously and told him what to sing, only to pretend like he was being attacked right along with Louisa. So it’s only logical that Phil was hiring the Singing Telegram Man again.

But for what? And what’s with this Star Trek convention? Is Phil going to that? Is he planning another attack there?

I need to tip Louisa off, but I don’t have a way to contact her. And beyond that? I’m not ready to let her know where I am yet. It’s a moot point anyway given that there’s no method of communicating. But my experience with the crystal ball makes me feel like I need more time to myself. To open my inner eye. To take the I out of I-Ching.To take Leon’s numbers and …and put them in different kind of order.

[Peaceful music]

But before anything, I need to warn Dipshit.

ISAIAH [Surveillance]

What is that?

MICHAEL

He’s standing over the ball looking like he’s about to pick it up. I fire off a tube as fast as I can, warning him, but I’m too late. [Tube] Thankfully he doesn’t hold it for long.

DIPSHIT [Surveillance]

Aghhh! Oh my word!

MICHAEL

But — but something is different about him now. He seems determined. I guess I’m not convincing enough. I consider telling him who I am. That might help. But I don’t want to. Not yet. I don’t want anyone to know where I am. Not even him. I need my time in the desert to last a little longer.

And then it hits me. The tubes. Use the tubes! I may not be able to reach Louisa directly, but there are tubes connected all over the city, with security cameras set up to monitor them. I can send instructions and hope they each Louisa, warn her about Phil. It’s a long shot, but why not try?

And then after, maybe I can find other people to help through the tubes. Guide others from afar like Leon guided me?

I turn on all of Oliver’s TV monitors.

[Michael flipping many switches]

There’s news coverage on one about the Red Line election. Apparently one of the candidates quit, Gemma’s wife. Looks like it’s gonna be a close race. All the other monitors show the other ends of all these pneumatic tubes. There’s a lot of them.

It’s time to send some notes out into the world, spread the word about Phil, about WheeSingEntertainment, about the Star Trek convention. And somehow, I need to send them without tipping Phil off, in case he gets the tube.

Hmm. I’ve got an idea.

[Tube noises]

With each tube I send, I feel better and better. My hangover finally fades. I feel less groggy. I feel more…like…well, like myself.

[TV News theme]

CHUCK OCTAGON – Jeff Van Dreason [FROM TV – simultaneously, in the background at first and then solo after Michael’s monologue]

The energy remains high on election day, despite lower than expected turnout at all polling stations. While the Bespin campaign tries to shore up votes in zones and districts outside of her normal comfort zone, the Powell campaign has staged an ambitious all-stations approach, holding speeches, rallies and press conferences from Alewife to Braintree and Ashmont. And I’m here at South Station talking with the abdicating Mayor Linzer-Coolidge to gauge her take on the election.

 

LOW TURNOUT

CHUCK

Mayor Linzer-Coolidge, what do you think of the turnout so far?

CHARLOTTE LINZER-COOLIDGE – Summer Unsinn

I’m disappointed. Red Line citizens turned out in record numbers with the creation of our city. I’d always hoped they’d turn out in record numbers to participate in our growth and development. This does not reflect who we are.

CHUCK

Do you think the low turnout has anything to do with your withdrawal from the race?

CHARLOTTE

I certainly hope not, as there is a far better candidate running and I’d encourage anyone who may have been discouraged by my decision to quit the race to search their true motivations concerning why they’re not voting for Isabelle Powell. She deserves their vote. I know she’s going to represent every citizen of Red Line to the best of her ability.

CHUCK

What do you think of Paul Montgomery Chelmsworth returning and giving his endorsement to Isabelle?

CHARLOTTE

He — he did?

CHUCK

You weren’t aware the Mayor — sorry, the Professor had returned?

CHARLOTTE

I was. But — he really endorsed Isabelle?

CHUCK

Yes, in an on-the-street interview I conducted with him this morning.

CHARLOTTE (under her breath)

Oh, no.

[Tubes start firing out all over the place]

CHARLOTTE

Ahh!

CHUCK

Live Breaking news! I’m witnessing live and have confirmed reports of a series of pneumatic tubes being being fired off all over the Greater Boston area. Is this another attack from The Lottery? Some sort of voter intimidation? My producer tells me the authorities are coming to inspect the tubes in case they contain harmful chemicals or some sort of explosive device.

CHARLOTTE

It’s just a letter. You can see right through it.

CHUCK

Yes, but that letter may be laced with dangerous chemicals. Some sort of poisonous white powder could be just waiting — what are you doing?

CHARLOTTE

We’ve had enough panic lately. No need to add more. (Opens tube, pulls out letter). I — I can’t read it. It’s in another language.

CHUCK

Do not try, Ms. Mayor, I implore you. Your mispronunciations of the cryptic text could summon demons from another dimension, perhaps even the mighty Cthulhu himself!

CHARLOTTE

Are ratings down or something? What’s with you?

CHUCK

I’m a news man. When I see news, I react to the news.

CHARLOTTE

Report this. It’s a letter in a language I’ve never seen before.

CHUCK

Oh. That’s Klingon.

CHARLOTTE

Cling what?

CHUCK

Klingon. From Star Trek. Still doesn’t make any sense to me though. What little I can read doesn’t seem like anything meaningful. Mostly just a bunch of numbers.

CHARLOTTE

You know the number system from a fake science fiction show?

CHUCK

Excuse me. Star Trek is more than “a show.”

WANDA MCINTOSH – Tanja Milojevic

Yeah, excuse me for interrupting your nerd news, but where’s the party planner at?

CHUCK

Uh! We’re in the middle of a live interview here.

WANDA

Oh, well pardon me for livin’, but we’re in the middle of public transit and peoples’ homes here and you expect people to just give you all the space in the world just so you can report that same Star Wagon bullshit — excuse me — BS that you’ve reported before?

CHUCK

I’d love to see you do better.

WANDA

Not interested in peddling lies. Now, I hear there’s some guy planning the victory-slash-concession party. I need to talk to him. City event planner. Tyrell somebody or other? Is he around here or not?

CHARLOTTE

He’s — he’s over there.

WANDA

Thanks a trillion, your honor. Good job mayorin’ back when you useta mayor.

[Wanda walks away and we follow her]

 

CITY EVENT PLANNER

WANDA

Hey, Tyrell. Nice digs. Downtown Crossing. I always took you for a Kendall Square kinda guy.

TYRELL FREDERICKS – Arun Sannuti

Wanda? What are you doing here?

WANDA

Yeah, so some crazy-ass postman with a buncha owls who wasn’t really a postman gave me this letter from a dead man to me earlier today? From this guy, uhh, Leon. Addressed to his brother Dimitri and his sister Nica. It mentions Michael too.

TYRELL

What?

WANDA

Yeah, crazy, right? Anyway, I don’t know who or where any of these people are. I mean, Michael’s body is probably picked clean by rats and rattling around in the bottom of some trash can by now, am I right? But I figured maybe you kept some of the employee files since you was in HR and knew an address for somebody here. Hell, I don’t know.

TYRELL

Why would I keep the employment files? That would be a gigantic violation of trust.

WANDA

I don’t know, thought maybe you coulda been a weirdo or something, don’t go get your donuts dunked about it or nothing. You worked with people. Personnel, right? Figured you’d be the best place to bring it.

TYRELL

Did — did you say it was addressed to ….Nica?

WANDA

Yeah, and some Dimitri.

TYRELL

And it’s from somebody named Leon?

WANDA

The dead guy. Yeah. Whatcha think? You want it? If not, I’m just gonna dropkick it into traffic or something.

TYRELL

Yes. I’ll take it. I know Nica. I’ll deliver it to her.

WANDA

Fantastic. Have a great life.

TYRELL

Wanda?

WANDA

Yes?

TYRELL

Have…have you continued being compensated from Third Sight?

WANDA

Uhh. [Lying]. Nah. Nah, no no, nope, not at all. Why are you asking?

TYRELL

I quit suddenly and my paychecks terminated two weeks after that. And yet, about a month ago, I started receiving regular paychecks again. And…I’ve tried contacting Third Sight but of course nobody is there.

WANDA

Uh-huh. I figured it was like unemployment or some shit.

TYRELL

That’s…not how it works. And even if it was, I shouldn’t be receiving anything since I quit.

WANDA

Don’t look some gifted cash in their presidential fucking faces, Tyrell. Come on. Who cares?

TYRELL

Yeah. You’re right. Thanks for bringing this. Take care of yourself.

WANDA

Sure. Good luck, buddy. Gotta go vote.

[Wanda walks back where she comes from, overhearing CHARLOTTE on the phone]

 

WANTED: KLINGON INTERPRETER

CHARLOTTE

Who are you talking to again?

GEMMA LINZER-COOLIDGE – Lydia Anderson (over phone)

The beekeeper. The singing telegram man.

CHARLOTTE

The guy who bombed tea into Louisa’s face?

GEMMA

He didn’t know that was going to happen, he was just a patsy. He says he has a lead for us.

CHARLOTTE

Well hurry the hell up, people are freaking out about these Klingon bombs.

GEMMA

What’s the big deal?

CHARLOTTE

Gemma, I know you were inundated with these things for two decades, but regular citizens never see this shit anymore, not even at their banks. And I’m worried about what this could mean. You said your old boss used to send these, right? And that was the publisher? Do you think this signals some kind of power grab?

[We gradually switch perspective so that it’s Charlotte on the phone and Gemma listening / talking to her live]

GEMMA

I don’t know what it means and I don’t think any of us will know until we can decipher what it says. We need a Star Trek super nerd.

CHARLOTTE

Um. I think I might know one.

GEMMA

Great.

CHARLOTTE

She’s a little busy at the moment, though. And she’s not my biggest fan in general.

GEMMA

Isabelle? Well, if you’re that worried about the tubes? Set phasers to suck-it-up. Otherwise? Try Google, I’m sure they’ve got Klingon to English translators.

CHARLOTTE

Thanks for the pep-talk, Captain.

GEMMA

Oooh. Captain. Careful, I could get used to that. I gotta go. What this guy has to tell us could be somewhat related to these tubes. I’ll call you back with more info, full sails ahead.

 

DATES

[Gemma, hangs up the phone]

GEMMA

Sorry about that. Coincidentally, there’s a whole bunch of tubes popping off all over the city. Someone sending a weird message written in Klingon.

LOUISA ALVAREZ – Julia Propp

Is that related to the message you contacted us about?

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN – Mike Linden

Aside from the fashion in which it was delivered, I don’t believe so.

GEMMA

Got your message tubed to you too? Say that three times fast.

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Yes. And there’s only been one other client who requested a song delivery via tube. Whoever hired me to bring you those blasted exploding tea balloons. Which — again, I’m incredibly sorry about.

LOUISA

It’s cool. I know who was responsible for that now. And I’m guessing it’s the same person who sent your new tube tune.

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

I assume so as well, given that nearly everything about this order matches the last one. Including the intended recipient.

LOUISA

Me? He was sending me another song? What a creepy little creep-o!

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Well, he refrained from arranging for any potentially exploding props this time. Still, given how the last go-round went, I thought it best to tell you. Uh, I have the lyrics right here. They’re as dreadful as last time. I prefer to accept messages and then write my own ditties. But I thought nothing of it last time because he paid extra. Shall I read it to you? Or maybe you’d prefer I sing it inst—

GEMMA / LOUISA

Read it. Please. Yes. No, reading will be fine. Thank you.

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Very well. (Clears throat)

To lovely Louisa, you may be surprised

To learn that I miss you and your green eyes.

I never did mean to lead you astray,

Yet I know that your heart was sadly betrayed.

GEMMA

This is remarkably worse than I imagined.

LOUISA

He — he rhymed astray with betrayed?

GEMMA

You dated this guy?

LOUISA

Don’t remind me.

 

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Shall I continue?

[Pause. Deep breaths. ]

LOUISA

I — I guess?

GEMMA

We can do this.

LOUISA

Let’s go.

GEMMA

Okay.

GEMMA

Wish I had a drink right now.

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Would you ladies care for some wine?

GEMMA / LOUISA

(Both enthusiastically agree to wine)

Yes — please — ohmygod — thank you so much — that’s so thoughtful — anything helps — numb the pain, etc.

[Singing telegram man pours a couple of glasses of wine]

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Continuing.

(Clears throat)

You search for me still though not in the way

I wish that you would, with no bail to pay.

So if you can find me, then you can arrest.

But before you do that, a quick game of chess.

LOUISA (under her breath)

Chess and arrest. Sure.

GEMMA (under her breath)

Jesus Christ.

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

A square named for Crimson, that’s where I’ll be.

Sitting outside of a chain-bakery.

Next Thursday at seven. Come alone and no tricks.

Play black or play white? Ladies first, you can pick.  

LOUISA

UGH.

GEMMA

GOD.

LOUISA

I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WORSE HIS WRITING OR WHAT HE’S WRITING ABOUT!

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

My sincerest apologies again.

LOUISA

Oh, it’s fine. I mean — I’m sorry, seriously, I appreciate you reaching out like this.

GEMMA

You don’t honestly think he’s going to show, do you?

LOUISA

I don’t know what to think.

GEMMA

I know he’s left more fingerprints than a preschooler on paint day, but is he really so stupid to assume that Mr. Sing-Song wouldn’t turn this over to us?

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

I suspect he thinks it doesn’t really matter? The message has been delivered either way.

LOUISA

He’s right. Did he give you a delivery address?

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Yes. If recollection serves me, it’s your home address.

LOUISA

Okay. His bone-headed clues point directly to all those beat the chessmaster buskers outside of Au Bon Pain in Harvard Square. But he’s clearly not going to be there, right? Just waiting for us to arrest him? Which means we probably shouldn’t go there either, or if we do go, we go in a way he won’t expect.

GEMMA

We have to pretend like you’re going no matter what.

LOUISA

What do you mean?

GEMMA

We have to prepare like we’re going to be there. Because he might be watching us.

LOUISA

You think he has someone on the inside?

GEMMA

Maybe? It’s not like we don’t.

[Pause]

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Ladies, please, speak freely, but also if you need privacy I could just leave.

LOUISA

No, don’t be silly, this is your apartment, we’ll go. Thanks again for passing this along, we really appreciate it.

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Uhh — Louisa. If I could just have one more moment of your time?

LOUISA

Okay.

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Uhh. Alone, if possible?

GEMMA

Oh. Uhh. Louisa?

LOUISA

It’s fine.

GEMMA

Cool. I’ll be outside.

[Exits]

LOUISA

What’s up?

SINGING TELEGRAM SONG

I — uhh — I. Ahem. This sounds really — grand. In a way that I don’t it mean to. Uhh. I don’t mean to add all this extra weight to what I’m trying to say. But. Fate has pushed me to cross your paths twice before. And I would be foolish if I let a third opportunity pass before — before acting on something that feels obvious to how I feel. That’s the grand part. The not so grand part — and the part that I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest should you refuse — is this. Do you want to get dinner sometime? Like, with me?

LOUISA

Oh. Yeah! Sure.

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Oh. OH! Ahhh (sings a big, dumb, celebratory note)

LOUISA

Oh, uh okay. Just uhh. Don’t do that when we’re out together, okay?

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

I’m sorry. The voice inside. Sometimes I can’t help it.

LOUISA

Yeah, you probably shouldn’t be saying that out loud either. But here’s my number. I’m busy as hell but I could use a break. Call me next week?

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

I will.

LOUISA

And let me know if this guy fires off anymore tubes your way.

SINGING TELEGRAM MAN

Of course. Until next week. And good luck in your pursuit.

[Louisa leaves the apartment]

GEMMA

You okay?

LOUISA

Yeah. He just asked me out.

GEMMA

Aw. Poor guy.

LOUISA

I said yes.

GEMMA

Oh. Poor…Louisa?

LOUISA

What? He’s not bad!

GEMMA

So long as he doesn’t sing…

LOUISA

My last boyfriend was a secret terrorist and the one before that needed a four week warning to make a date.

GEMMA

So you agree, you cishet have incredibly terrible taste.

LOUISA (sighs)

Don’t go dragging everyone into my bullshit.

[Text notification]

GEMMA

Huh.

LOUISA

What is it

GEMMA

Char sent the message to Isabelle and she didn’t decipher it but recommended someone who could.

LOUISA

That’s good news, right?

[Walking]

GEMMA

Yeah, but it doesn’t make any sense. Just looks like a random bunch of letters following a random group of numbers, then more random letters. A lot of them. Some of the numbers might be dates, but the first group is super long and doesn’t spell anything, not even in Klingon. A, H, J, K, C, E, L, D, B, I, G, F? Then the next line is just 1 through 12 in Klingon? Like, what does that mean?

[They pause walking]

LOUISA

Wait. 1 through 12?

GEMMA

Yeah.

LOUISA

And you said some of them might be dates?

GEMMA

Some, but the non-numerical ones don’t make any —

LOUISA

8 11 5 4 9 1 7 6 10 3 12 2! It’s a code. He’s giving us the code in the first two lines. A should be H, H should be K, J should be E, etc.

GEMMA

What?

[Resume walking]

LOUISA

Just send them to me.

GEMMA

Do you think this is our boy Michael?

LOUISA

I hope so, if only because it means he’s okay.

[They pass a TV with CHUCK reporting]

CHUCK (via TV)

And everything about the exit polls suggest a very close race for this special election, with several voters quoted as saying they were unhappy with both candidates. We’ll be giving you the latest breaking results on the Red Line mayoral race shortly, in addition to updates concerning those pesky, possibly dangerous little tubes filled with a strange alien language which have been popping up all over the Greater Boston area. This is Chuck Octagon, 7 News —

[We go inside the TV and hear static and then move back out of another one during this section].

 

GRATE NEWS

CHUCK (via TV)

…This is Chuck Octagon, 7 News —

[We transition here after hearing the static on the TV].

MANAGER

Turn that noise off already.

OLIVER

Of course. (Switches TV off)

MANAGER

Well gentlemen. I will say that your demonstration was impressive. A few bugs to work out, but nothing serious.

ETHAN

Save the extermination and settle for a swatter.

MANAGER

Eh, what?

OLIVER

He just — says things sometimes. I’m really pleased you see the potential of our plan. This along with the other plans we’ve discussed for Red Line —

LAWYER

And you’re sure Bespin will go along with…those specific plans?

ETHAN (laughing)

Oh, yes. She’s likely to try to carry them out whether she becomes mayor or not.

SALES

That all sounds so incredibly profitable!

MANAGER

We’ll do everything on our end to make Red Line a premier first class city to live in. With our influence, its quirky sensibility and some remodeling?

OLIVER

You really think people will come?

MANAGER

Mr. Vandermonte? We’ll have to beat them away with sticks.

[Noise in the distance. Something falls.]

MANAGER

What’s that?

LAWYER

Is this location secure?

SALES

Is it one of those blasted contraptions?

OLIVER

Ethan shut them all down.

ETHAN

I can spy with several spider eyes.

MANAGER

What?

OLIVER

He will release the cheese loving mechanical hounds.

MANAGER

Ah.

[Robots whir to life and search the perimeter.]

CHEESE ROBOTS

Intruder located. Intruder found.

DIPSHIT (distantly)

Run! Save yourself! Tell my story!

[Running noises / general calamity / mechanical robot scuffling]

CHEESE ROBOTS

Permission to grate. Permission to grate. Permission to grate. Permission to grate.

ETHAN

Hold the cheese for a moment, thank you. Lift up the interloper for us all to take a look at.

DIPSHIT

GET YOUR MECHANICAL HANDS OFF ME you …fascist…robocop killing machines —

OLIVER

Mr. Poletti. What on earth are you doing here?

DIPSHIT

You threatened my home. You threatened my family. So now I’m here. To threaten you.

[Pause. Then all the men laugh save Dipshit. Even the cheese robots laugh]

LAWYER

Mr. Poletti, I gave you very simple instructions, which you failed to accomplish. The land your precious commune rests on will be sold out from under them. Unless —

MANAGER

Unless you tell us what you’re doing here.

SALES

How you found us.

LAWYER

And who you were with.

OLIVER

Yes. Tell us everything, Mr. Poletti. Or else. Please make sure to pat him down and search him.

ETHAN

Important signal transmissions from another sphere!

OLIVER

What?

ETHAN

The race. They’re calling the race!

[OLIVER turns on the TV]

CHUCK OCTAGON (via TV)

— difficult to confirm. That being said, 7 News is confident to call that the projected winner of the Red Line special election for Mayor is none-other than Emily Bespin, looking to pull a victory with the narrowest margin of votes. Exit polling suggests important factors were the Red Line Boycott, enthusiastic response to the Yard Goats announcement from the Bespin camp, and Professor Chelmsworth’s late-endorsement of Isabelle Powell. We’ll be going live to the Bespin headquarters momentarily to hear her victory speech as well as checking in on Powell headquarters to listen to her concession. I suspect the Red Line boycott has had a lot to do with —

OLIVER (switches TV off)

It’s mine. We won and it’s mine! IT’S ALL MINE!  [Big evil laugh.]

CHEESE ROBOT

Cheese ball, cheese puffs, cheese rounds.

OLIVER

What is it now?

MANAGER

Looks like they’ve found something.

OLIVER

Ah. The crystal ball. Speaking of things that are mine. Welcome home, Mr. Stamatis.

CREDITS

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with recording and technical assistance from Marc Harmon.

We’ll be taking a brief hiatus for a few weeks, but we’ll be back on December 18th with a three-part mini-sode series released every two weeks, answering one of our fans biggest questions. What the f*ck’s up with the guinea pigs?

In order of appearance, this episode featured:

Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis
Mario Da Rosa Jr as Isaiah Powell
James Capobianco as Dipshit Poletti
James Oliva as Michael Tate
Jeff Van Dreason as Chuck Octagon
Summer Unsinn as Charlotte Linzer Coolidge
Tanja Milojevic as Wanda

Arun Sannuti as Tyrell Fredericks
Lydia Anderson as Gemma Linzer-Coolidge
Julia Propp as Louisa Alvarez
Mike Linden as Singing Telegram Man and Oliver West
Rick Zieff as Manager, Sales and Lawyer
And Jordan Higgs as Ethan Bespin

Interviews recorded with Greater Boston residents.

Charlie on the MTA is performed by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede. Hold That Pigs Feet A Little Closer to the FIre by Adrienne Howard, Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede. Broke Yeti by Ryan Estrada.

Some sound effects and music used from public domain and creative commons sources.

Episode transcripts will be posted online at GreaterBostonShow.com.

Special thanks to our Patrons Bridge and Rasmus. If you’re interested in supporting Greater Boston, visit us at patreon.com/GreaterBoston

Listen: take care of yourselves. Pay attention to what you need. Do what’s right for you. You’re doing great. Own it.

 

COOKIE

ALEXANDER

Does Wanda not know Tyrell’s last name?

JEFF

[Laughs.] I don’t think so!

TANJA
I don’t think so!

[Alexander & Tanja laugh]

JEFF

I thought that that was realistic. Tyrell somebody-or-other!

ALEXANDER
She worked with him for how many years?

TANJA [As Wanda]

Tyrell some-shit-or-other!

JEFF
I felt like she’s probably not paying attention. She might have known, but just forgot? Like, you know what I mean.

ALEXANDER

Yeah.

 

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