Transcript for Episode 32: To Seek Out New Life and New Civilizations

COLD OPEN

CHUCK OCTAGON

Why do you think you’re here on this earth?

INTERVIEW
I don’t know. I feel like I was set out to make a difference. I love helping people who are telling stories. I love hearing perspectives of the people so I can have a like a good relationship with them. Like, I just like hearing conversations about people’s life and how they live it. Like, how I can compare myself to a like completely different lifestyle that’s…I’ve never known before. So it’s just really fascinating learning about how other people live their life differently than I do.

[Charlie on the MTA]

PREVIOUSLY IN

JOHANNA BODNYK

Previously in Greater Boston

CHUCK OCTAGON
The projected winner of the special election for Red Line mayor is Emily Bespin.

PHILIP WEST

I can leave clues for Louisa! Maybe if she likes my little game, she’ll eventually forgive some of the stuff I did.

LOUISA

His boneheaded clues point directly to all those “beat the chess masters” at Harvard Square. But he’s clearly not going to be there, right?

WENDELL

Do you want to get dinner sometime?

LOUISA

Yeah! Sure!

WANDA MCINTOSH

Some crazy-ass postman gave me this letter from Leon addressed to Dimitri and Nica.

TYRELL FREDERICKS

I know Nica. I’ll deliver it to her.

 

S3 TITLE SEQUENCE

Multiple Voices

Fields Corner
Hyde Park

Want it in character voice or real voice?
East Boston
Alright
Malden
Red Line
Dorchester
Salem
Somerville
West Roxbury
Hanson
Worcester
Malden
This..

Somerville

Revere
…is
Uhh…I’ve lived in Lemonster my whole life
Brighton
Uhh…I live in Milton, Massachusetts
Roslindale
(That’s where I’m from)

East Boston
I’m from Dorchester
This is…

South Boston
This is…
In Brockton

Medford, Massachusetts

[Laughter]
Red Line

Dorchester

This is…

This is…

This is…

Greater Boston

 

THIS WEEK

JEFF VAN DREASON

This week in Greater Boston, Episode 32: To Seek Out New Life and New Civilizations

[Charlie fades]

 

GEORDI LAFORGE

[Convention crowd]

[Star Trek-type music plays]

LEON STAMATIS – Braden Lamb

Isabelle couldn’t believe she was here. She couldn’t believe she had lost the election to that deranged woman. She couldn’t believe she had accepted a gift from Charlotte Linzer-Coolidge.

It had been strange enough to receive a call from the lame-duck mayor desperately seeking a Klingon translator, of all things—though that had been no stranger than those canisters dropping all across the city in the first place.

And then Charlotte turned up at her carpartment the next morning, looking even more beat than Isabelle felt, with wrinkled clothes and bags under her eyes.

[Convention environment fades to Red Line]

[Train doors]

ISABELLE POWELL – Jessica Washington

You look like you had a worse night than I did.

CHARLOTTE LINZER-COOLIDGE – Summer Unsinn

Overseeing a close election isn’t for early risers. And then that thing with the tubes happened.

ISABELLE

Well, you might as well come on in. I expect this will be the last of our little tête-à-têtes. Have a seat where you like.

[Doors close]

CHARLOTTE

I brought scotch. I know it’s early, but…

ISABELLE

I’ll get glasses.

[Isabelle opens a cabinet and removes glasses to a counter.]

CHARLOTTE

I have something for you.

[Drinks being poured.]

CHARLOTTE

I’d wanted it to be a congratulatory gift, but under the circumstances, I hope it might do you some good anyway.

[Opens envelope]

ISABELLE

Are these…tickets to Trekapalooza?

CHARLOTTE

It’s this weekend at the Hynes. You deserve a day for yourself after all this.

ISABELLE

I’ll take it. Thank you. A toast?

CHARLOTTE

What is it they say? “May the…”

ISABELLE

NOPE.

CHARLOTTE

Oh…oh, right. It’s…”Live…live long and prosper?”

ISABELLE

That’s the one.

[Glasses clink]

[Convention environment and Star Trek music resume.]

LEON

And now here she was, at the Hynes Convention Center, decked out in her best Starfleet Uniform, anonymous for the first time in ages. It was difficult to be here, of course. Such a large building, so many people in such an open space. But the costume helped. The visor blocked out so much, hid the high ceilings from view, boxed in her frame of vision. Playing as Geordi, she imagined herself safely ensconced in a Jefferies tube, on her way to fix some dire technical malfunction. It was just enough to make the space endurable.

She’d hoped Isaiah would be here with her. He’d brought her to Trek conventions in the past, humored her geeking out over her favorite cast members. He’d even dressed up as Jean Luc Picard one year. But not this year. He had somewhere to be, a friend who needed his help.

[Convention and music cut out]

ISABELLE

Help with what?

ISAIAH POWELL – Mario da Rosa Jr.  [Over phone]

Don’t worry about it, Aunt Izzy. I’ll see you tonight.

[Convention environment resumes]

LEON

After an exchange like that, she’s not supposed to worry? But she resolved to set her worry aside, if only for today. Today was for her. Today was for Star Trek.

 

INTERVIEW

CHUCK OCTAGON – Jeff Van Dreason
Do you like Star Trek?

INTERVIEW 1

Uh, yeah!

INTERVIEW 2

Yes.

INTERVIEW 3

It’s okay.

INTERVIEW 4

I don’t dislike it, but I’ve got no thoughts about it whatsoever.

INTERVIEW 5

I don’t.

INTERVIEW 6

Have not watched it.

INTERVIEW 7

I met Walter Koenig, actually. At like a convention. And I went right up to him, and I said, “well–I can *Chekov* my bucket list!”

INTERVIEW 8

I haven’t watched any Star Trek.

INTERVIEW 9

Star Trek? No.

CHUCK

No?

INTERVIEW 9

No. Sorry.

CHUCK
That’s okay. Do you know anything about it?

INTERVIEW 9

No.

INTERVIEW 10

Um, Star Trek is like a Star Wars type movie, right?

INTERVIEW 8

It sounds more like war in the sky. So it’s like, they made it like they’re having a war, but it’s like they’re battling in outer space.

INTERVIEW 2

I just got attached to it more than Star Wars for some reason. And my mom liked it.

INTERVIEW 11

I’ve sadly never watched it! But I’ve also never seen Star Wars, so nobody can, like, say I have a bias.

INTERVIEW 6

I know it’s not Star Wars.

CHUCK

[laughs] That’s true, it’s not.

 

PAUL STAMETS AND HUGH CULBER

[News 7 intro theme plays.]

[Convention environment.]

CHUCK

This is Chuck Octagon reporting live from Boston Trekapalooza, where New England’s Trekkers and Trekkies celebrate their favorite long-running utopian sci-fi franchise. I am not just here as a reporter: I am here as a fan! Which is short for “fanatic.” Though not in the religious sense. Trekkers don’t protest funerals or bomb medical clinics. It just means we like a particular thing a lot. And that thing is: Star Trek.

Like many of my fellow fans here at Trekapalooza, I am engaging in the popular subcultural pastime known as “cosplay,” along with my husband, Andy Wood. In appreciation of Star Trek Discovery’s milestone inclusion of the franchise’s first main cast gay couple, I am dressed today as Chief Engineer Paul Stamets.

ANDY WOOD – Marck Harmon

And I’m…Hugh Culber? I don’t really know who that is.

CHUCK

He’s the ship’s doctor. Don’t worry about it, he’s cool. And in my head canon, the show *didn’t* stupidly toss him over in a gratuitously “edgy” reveal that spoiled a wonderful character dynamic while adding nothing of value to the plot.

ANDY WOOD

Does — does that mean I’m dead?

CHUCK

Also with me this morning is the Trekapalooza’s convention organizer, Tyrell Fredericks.

TYRELL FREDERICKS – Arun Sannuti

Hello!

CHUCK

So, Tyrell, how long have you been involved in Star Trek Fandom?

TYRELL

Oh, about six months. Ever since the Trekapalooza organizing committee hired me to coordinate the local logistics.

CHUCK

Oh. So you’re not a fan? How did you get involved in the convention?

TYRELL

Earlier this year, I launched an event planning business, specializing in high-complexity coordination, particularly for events situated in Red Line. Since Trekapalooza is such a large-scale undertaking, the organizing committee saw that my skills would serve their needs. That’s Tyrell Fredericks Event Planning—it’s Tyrell-iffic!

CHUCK

That’s a terrible slogan.

TYRELL

I know.

CHUCK

And that’s the story from Trekapalooza. I’m Chuck Octagon for 7 News Boston.

TYRELL

Before you go, can I ask you a favor? I’m trying to get ahold of Nica Stamatis. I know you just interviewed her, so I thought maybe…

CHUCK

Sorry, pal, I don’t give out contact info to random stalkers.

TYRELL

I’m not…! I have something for her. A letter.

CHUCK

Uh huh.

TYRELL

It’s from her brother. Leon.

CHUCK

I’ll be sure to tell her. Come on Andy, let’s go meet Tim Russ!

[Teleporter noise]

 

T’POL AND COMPUTER

[Convention environment]

GEMMA LINZER-COOLIDGE – Lydia Anderson

Tell me again why I’m dressed like this? … Louisa?

LOUISA ALVAREZ – Julia Propp  [via earpiece]

Computer.

GEMMA

What?

LOUISA

You have to call me “computer.” It’s my code name.

GEMMA

Ugh, fine. Computer: why do I have to wear this ridiculous jumpsuit?

LOUISA

You’re undercover.

GEMMA

As…Spock?

LOUISA

T’Pol.

GEMMA

But I’ve got pointy ears. I thought Spock was the one with pointy ears.

LOUISA

All Vulcans have pointy ears.

GEMMA

Wow, you’re really into this, huh?

LOUISA

I’m into my job. If we’re doing the undercover thing, I want to do it right. I did a Tribble-truckload of research for this.

GEMMA

Do we even know he’s here?

LOUISA

He’s here. He checked in under one of his aliases—Rene McCoy. I’ve got a close eye on the security feeds now. It’ll be hard to spot him in such a huge crowd, but swear to god, I’m going to pin that asshole down.

GEMMA

Oh fluff! Computer, we have a problem. I just saw Isabelle Powell.

LOUISA

Here?!

GEMMA

She had a thing across her face, so I can’t be 100%, but it sure looked like her. Dangit, Charlotte told me she bought Isabelle tickets to a show. I never considered that it might be *this* show.

LOUISA

Should we warn her what’s going down?

GEMMA

Ahhhh…I think we shouldn’t. Let’s stay focused. We can talk to her after.

LOUISA

All these costumes sure aren’t helping. A lot of people have their faces completely covered.

GEMMA

You think he thought to cover his face?

LOUISA

He didn’t think to put gloves on to plant evidence, so I’m going to guess “no.”

[Teleporter noise]

 

HARRY MUDD

[More distant convention noises.]

[Ship’s bridge computer environment.]

LEON

Philip West knew he shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be in public. But he never missed Trekapalooza. Trekapalooza was his day. And he especially couldn’t miss this year. With Discovery on the air, it was time to finally do his dream cosplay. Phil was finally going to be Harcourt Fenton Mudd. And not the new Mudd, not the Rainn Wilson Mudd—no shade to Wilson, he was great. But if Phil was going to be Harry Mudd, he was going back to roots, back to devious, puckish, mustachioed Roger Carmel. That was the Mudd for Philip West. Besides, Wilson went full beard for his Mudd, and Phil wasn’t a beard kind of guy. No, Carmel’s devilish little mustache was as much as Phil could stand to have on his face.

And he’d be the only one dressed as TOS Mudd too, just like that one guy at ComiCon who showed up in full Caesar Romero in the immediate wake of The Dark Knight. That guy was a hero, and Phil was determined to do it right, just like him.

He really needed to get himself into the cosplay contest. This was his year. He was sure of it.

[Phone rings with a red alert sound]

PHILIP WEST – Michael Melia

Hello?

MARLO – Mike Linden [telephone]

Hey, it’s Marlo. Marlo, from Craigslist? Only I’m not on Craigslist, I’m in your phone, because you said I should call you instead of using the e-mail. Anyway, you got me sitting out on the sidewalk looking for that friend of yours.

PHIL

I know who you are, Marlo.

MARLO

Oh, well that’s good! It’s good to be remembered, especially by guys that hire you to do stuff. Means I got a better chance a being hired to do more stuff.

LEON

Phil had wanted Guy to make the contact, but Guy never did any jobs so public. Guy was paranoid to a fault. Even in pointing Phil toward this Marlo character.

[Convention noises cut out]

GUY – Mike Linden [telephone]

You may contact him via his Craigslist advertisement. Do not tell him I directed you to his ad. Do not tell him my name. Do not tell him that you and I are acquainted. Provide him with details for this job and only this job. Do not encourage him to ask questions. Do not answer his questions.

[Convention sounds resume]

PHIL

Are we just chatting, or did you actually have something to tell me?

MARLO

Well, the thing is, you got me out here looking for that friend of yours. The lady by the chess boards? Only there’s no lady by the chess boards. I mean, there’s lots of ladies by the chess boards. It’s in the middle of Harvard Square for Ford’s sake, there’s ladies all over the place. Gentlemen too. Ladies and Gentlemen, just walking back and forth and all around the square. I guess that makes sense though. It’s a nice place. Lots to look at, if you’re the sort that likes just lookin’ at things.

Anyway, it’s half past now, and your lady ain’t showed up.

PHIL

Look, Marlo, just stay put, okay? You’re there early. She’s not due for another half hour.

MARLO

Well that’s true, I am early. Half hour early. It’s only polite. So if it’s a half hour early, and a person isn’t where they’re supposed to be a half hour later, well then they’re late. If you say stay, though, I’ll stay. But you only paid me for two hours, so if it takes more than two hours, you gotta pay me for the extra time, I mean that’s only fair. This is America after all, and in America, a man’s gotta get paid for the hours he works. That’s the law!

PHIL

You’ll get paid. Just sit tight and get that note to Louisa.

LEON

Phil replayed his own assurances in his head. It was still early. But he kind of agreed with Marlo — he thought Louisa would be there there first thing in the morning, staking out the location, waiting to get the drop on Phil. Who, of course, wouldn’t be there. But maybe she was playing it cool. Maybe she was planning to show up at the last possible second, try to make Phil feel like she didn’t really care, was only half-heartedly playing the game. But she *would* play, he was sure of it.

PHIL

She’s too into her whole detective thing. She won’t be able to resist. She’ll be there. She’ll definitely be there.

[Teleporter sound]

 

TOM PARIS AND KIRA NERYS

[Convention environment]

[Trek-ish music]

MALLORY – Johanna Bodnyk

I can’t even fucking believe you.

DIMITRI STAMATIS – James Johnston

What?

MALLORY

You could have cosplayed dingle-dork Wesley Crusher. He’s perfect for you.

DIMITRI

It doesn’t work. Everyone assumes you’re being ironic.

MALLORY

I have to give you points for consistency. Even when you cosplay, you cosplay as a scent-wipe.

DIMITRI

Tom Paris isn’t a scent-wipe!

MALLORY

He got himself demoted!

DIMITRI

He was trying to save an ocean world!

MALLORY

He had lizard babies with Captain Janeway, like a creepy Zeus OG fuck-boi!

DIMITRI

THAT…was a deeply misguided episode.

MALLORY

Okay, fine. Why Tom Paris?

DIMITRI

He has a rich inner life, a playful spirit of adventure, and a noble resistance to authoritarianism.

MALLORY

Dimitri. He’s…a doofus.

DIMITRI

Okay, fine, he’s a doofus. But he knows he’s a doofus.

MALLORY

Hey, the Post Meridian Radio Players are doing a gender swap performance of Plato’s Stepchildren in twenty.

DIMITRI

Ooo, sweet.

MALLORY

After that, let’s hunt down Chuck. I know he’s here somewhere.

[Teleporter]

 

GEORDI LAFORGE AND MAYA STADI

[Convention noise]

OMI OGAWA – Julia Morizawa

Isabelle! Hey Izzy!

ISABELLE

Omi! I’m so glad you’re here!

OMI

Me?! I’m glad you’re here! I was worried you’d go into hiding and just spend months beating yourself up. This is so much better. Exactly what you need.

ISABELLE

I wasn’t sure you’d even pick up the phone, after I ghosted everyone for so long.

OMI

You were a little occupied. We understand.

ISABELLE

That’s an amazing Maya Stadi you’ve got going on there, by the way.

OMI

I’d better, I spent three months putting this together.

ISABELLE

Well, it’s uncanny. You look just like her. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were on Star Trek: Oddysey yourself.

OMI

Oh, hey, I saw that Chuck Octagon dingus wandering around with a cameraman in tow. I expect you’ll want to avoid him.

ISABELLE

Oh, lord yes. Last thing I want today is an ambush interview in my Starfleet Uniform. Hopefully the visor is disguise enough to fool him.

OMI

I’d be surprised if it isn’t.

ISABELLE

Omi…are you sure we’re okay? I know I haven’t been the easiest friend the past few months. Or any kind of friend at all. I got so caught up in what I was doing. Even before Isaiah…before the trouble with Isaiah. I let myself get consumed. I let everything else go.

OMI

Look, Isabelle, I can’t speak for all our friends, but I can tell you how I felt. I felt proud. I felt…astonished. You were doing something important. Something that needed to be done. And yeah, I was sad that you didn’t have time for dinner parties and board game night, and I was super bummed that we didn’t get to watch the Discovery premiere together. But I got it. I was rooting for you. I sure as hell voted for you—and let me just say right now, fuck the bejesus out of anybody who didn’t, those ignorant racist bubblegum-swallowers. Really, Isabelle, I’m sorry you lost. But also—I’m glad that you’re back. I missed you.

ISABELLE

Thank you, Omi.

OMI

So, where to first?

ISABELLE

There’s a full-size replica of the bridge of the Defiant.

OMI

Yeah, let’s go sit in the captain’s chair!

ISABELLE

I…hadn’t really thought about it like that.

OMI

I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.

ISABELLE

No, the thought would have come anyway. At least now I can be prepared for it. But you know what? I think I do need to go sit in that captain’s chair. For just a minute.

[Teleporter]

 

T’POL AND COMPUTER

[Convention noise]

GEMMA

Any luck?

LOUISA [via earpiece]

I’m scanning the panel discussion audiences. Things are more orderly, since everyone’s in chairs.

TYRELL

Gemma?

GEMMA

T…Tyrell? What the fluff are you doing here?

LOUISA

Wow, you’re just running into people all over.

TYRELL

Oh, I’m the event planner! I had no idea you were into this sort of thing!

GEMMA

Oh, yeah, I’m a real…Trekist.

LOUISA

Trekie

GEMMA

Trekie.

CON-GOER – Colin Kelly

It’s *Trekker.*

GEMMA

Yes, thank you random blue person for that correction.

CON-GOER

Freakin’ normcore.

TYRELL

I assume you heard about everything at ThirdSight.

GEMMA

Oh, I’m all over ThirdSight. And by they way, good on you for walking away before the schnitzel hit the fan. I wouldn’t have guessed you had the nerve.

TYRELL

A lot changed after you left.

GEMMA

So it seems.

TYRELL

I don’t suppose you remember Michael Tate? You hired him just before your…departure. I don’t want to be so presumptuous as to say he’s my friend, but he was kind to me. I’m worried about him.

LOUISA

Who is this guy? He seems sweet.

GEMMA

Oh. Yeah, I know Michael. He helped me out with some stuff. But Michael is…missing. Like, officially.

TYRELL

I know.

GEMMA

He’s a priority, and I’m pursuing a lead. If I find him, I’ll let you know.

TYRELL

Thank you. And…this is more of a long shot, but I don’t suppose you know Michael’s friend Nica?

GEMMA

It’s funny you should ask that. I just met her the other day. She’s…

LOUISA

Confidential

GEMMA

…really something.

TYRELL

I have something of hers. I asked Chuck Octagon for help, but he didn’t take me very seriously.

LOUISA

I can get it to her, whatever it is.

GEMMA

Do you want me to pass it along? I know a friend of hers.

TYRELL

I…would like to deliver it myself, actually. I owe her a thank you.

GEMMA

Really? Her?

LOUISA

Hey, now…

TYRELL

She saved my life.

GEMMA

On purpose?

TYRELL

Well…no. She doesn’t even know she did it.

GEMMA

That makes more sense.

LOUISA

You’re just being mean.

TYRELL

If you could just pass word along to her that I’d like to meet, I’d really appreciate it.

GEMMA

Sure thing.

TYRELL

I owe you a conversation too, actually. Now isn’t the time to go into it, but I owe you an apology. Maybe we could get tea one day and discuss it?

GEMMA

I guess. I don’t know what you’re on about though.

TYRELL

I know. But I’d like to come clean. I think I owe you that.

[Tyrell leaves.]

GEMMA

Okay, Computer, you know I can’t actually answer your questions and pretend I don’t have you in my ear at the same time, right?

LOUISA

I’m new at this! Hey, I’ve got eyes on him! Oh for fuck’s sake. Is he trying to make this easy?

GEMMA

What?

LOUISA

He’s literally on stage right now. In a costume contest. Stupid, of course he’s dressed as Harry Mudd, that’s his favorite.

GEMMA

Seriously? He’s into somebody who’s name is “Harry Mudd?”

LOUISA

We’ve got him. Get our people into position.

GEMMA

Hot damn. Let’s do this.

[Teleporter]

 

TOM PARIS, KIRA NERYS, AND PAUL STAMETS

[Convention environment]

CHUCK

So let me see if I’ve got this all straight. Real Nica wants nothing to do with you, Fake Nica is desperately trying to find you, but you’re hiding out from Fake Nica, and desperately trying to find real Nica.

DIMITRI

That about sums it up, yup.

MALLORY

Scent Wipe here’s got a complicated life.

DIMITRI

I didn’t used to. If only I’d stuck to Squatching.

CHUCK

Squatching?

MALLORY

Yeah, let’s not fuck that pony, okay? We’ll be here all day.

CHUCK

I’ve met Fake Nica. She seems on the level. Why are you messing with her?

DIMITRI

I’m not. She’s a friend. She’s protecting me from breach of contract by making the show about me. If I can keep the chase going, that works out for her, because the show is good, and she gets to be the star. But if she finds me, then I have to go back. And that’s the last thing I want. At least, not until I can talk to Nica. Real Nica, I mean. My sister. I mean my real sister, not my fake sister from television.

CHUCK

That tracks. But I can’t just give out her number. Journalistic principles and all. I’ll ask her permission, but she may be hard to get ahold of, given the transition she’s in the middle of.

I have to ask—did you really catch D B Cooper?

DIMITRI

I found him. I didn’t catch him, but I solved the mystery.

CHUCK

Wow. That’s the dream, right there.

DIMITRI

I guess. Depending on your line of work.

CHUCK

Oh, I see that other guy who’s looking for your sister.

DIMITRI

What? Where?

CHUCK

Hey Tyrell-ific! You wanted Nica Stamatis. Well, you’re moderately in luck. This is her brother, Dimitri.

TYRELL

What? Dimitri Stamatis?

DIMITRI

That’s me.

TYRELL

It’s addressed to you too.

DIMITRI

What is?

TYRELL

The letter.

MALLORY

Alright Captain Cryptic, maybe you wanna move along with dropping the whole load, instead of expecting us to sit here catching pellets.

TYRELL

I…oh…what, huh?

MALLORY

Spit it out. You can do it.

TYRELL

Right. I have a letter. Addressed to you and Nica. From…Leon.

DIMITRI

You…do? Why? How?

TYRELL

Someone gave it to me because they knew I’d met Nica once.

DIMITRI

But it’s for me?

TYRELL

It’s for both of you.

DIMITRI

Can I…have it?

TYRELL

I hoped to give it to Nica. In person.

DIMITRI

Well, you can give it to me. In person.

TYRELL

You’re not the one who saved my life.

DIMITRI

That’s… Okay, clearly you’ve got a story there. I respect that. But you’ve got a letter for me. From my brother. Who died.

TYRELL

You’re right. I’m sorry. Here, this is it. But when you see her, could you just tell her I said “thank you?”

DIMITRI

I will, I promise. I assume she’ll know what that’s about?

TYRELL

No. Not even a little. But I guess that’s alright.

[Tyrell exits.]

DIMITRI

Weird guy.

MALLORY

Oh, yeah, Mr. Lizard-fucking squatch hunter’s gonna talk about who’s a “weird guy.” You wanna go somewhere to read your letter?

DIMITRI

I want to.

MALLORY

Sure, we can…

DIMITRI

But I don’t think I should. It’s addressed to both of us. Together. I think…that’s how we have to read it. I can’t leave her out of this.

MALLORY

Okay. Yeah. I think maybe that’s a pretty good decision.

DIMITRI

Thank you.

[Distant cheering]

MALLORY

Let’s go see who won the cosplay contest. If it wasn’t mirror universe Morn, I’m gonna have to punch someone’s dick.

 

INTERVIEW

CHUCK OCTAGON

Can you tell me one thing that you know about it?

INTERVIEW 1

I know that it’s meant to be in a sort of post-scarcity utopia, and that was a lot of the goal.

INTERVIEW 2

The…the main directive, I think it is?

CHUCK

Prime Directive.

INTERVIEW 2

Prime Directive. That they don’t interfere with, uh, civilizations that aren’t ready for that kind of contact.

INTERVIEW 3

The hopefulness for the future. And the desire to tackle really complicated moral questions. That, like science fiction is not about big explosions for Star Trek.

INTERVIEW 1

I know Kirk and Spock is a thing. [Chuck laughs] It’s like…the first slash pairing ever. The origin of the term slash.

 

GEORDI LAFORGE AND MAYA STADI

[Convention environment]

[Bridge computer]

[Star Trek sliding door sound.]

OMI

So, that’s the seat of power, huh?

[Door closes]

ISABELLE

Well, *a* seat of power anyway.

OMI

You look good in it.

ISABELLE

I feel good in it.

OMI

Shall I take the helm?

ISABELLE

Yes, Lieutenant. Please do.

OMI

Aye, Captain!

ISABELLE

Lay in a course for Deneb IV, warp factor five.

OMI

Course laid in, Captain.

ISABELLE

Engage.

OMI

[Makes a Star Trek-y warp noise. Noise cuts off.]

ISABELLE

Status report.

OMI

Captain, we appear to have fallen out of warp. Scanners are picking up an anomaly off the starboard side.

ISABELLE

On screen. What do you make of that, Lieutenant? Some sort of barrier?

[Sliding door opens]

OMI

Sensors are reading solid matter, Captain.

TIM RUSS – Tim Russ

Hi. Pardon me.

OMI

Oh holy hell!

[Door closes]

TIM RUSS

I’m sorry to interrupt, but I just had to ask…are you…you’re Isabelle Powell, aren’t you?

ISABELLE

I…

TIM RUSS

I’m sure you were hoping you wouldn’t be recognized. I know how that is. But when I realized it was you, I had to come say hello.

ISABELLE

But you’re Tim Russ! I’m a fan. I mean…of course I’m a fan!

TIM RUSS

I just have to tell you, your campaign was inspirational. You probably don’t think anyone’s paying attention in the rest of the country. But Red Line is such a unique place. And your campaign was like…like a bonfire. It was impossible not to watch. Not to be moved by it.

ISABELLE

For all the good it did.

TIM RUSS

“All the good it did” is a hell of a lot of good, though.

ISABELLE

I lost.

TIM RUSS

Of course you lost. Look at what you were up against! What could you do? Hand over your nephew? It wouldn’t have mattered. If you gave up on his innocence, then you’d have been blamed for his guilt. Either you’re protecting a criminal or you made him one, never mind that he’s innocent.

ISABELLE

He wouldn’t have been in trouble in the first place. Do you see? It’s my fault he became a target. It’s because I ran. It’s because I thought I could be…

TIM RUSS

It’s not your fault people are shitheads.

ISABELLE

It’s my fault Emily Bespin is Mayor. That’s…that’s what I accomplished. Charlotte wasn’t great, but at least she had a sense of decency. What do we have now? George Wallace and a baseball team? I could have left well enough alone.

TIM RUSS

Was “well enough” actually well enough?

ISABELLE

… Well enough is never well enough. Never. But it still would have been better than it is now.

TIM RUSS

Linzer-Coolidge wouldn’t have won either. She had that Chelmsley guy hanging around her neck like an albatross. You think Bespin wouldn’t have strangled her with it?

ISABELLE

She’s the incumbent.

TIM RUSS

She wasn’t elected.

ISABELLE

And she’s…white.

TIM RUSS

That’s an advantage. Her odds were better. But that doesn’t mean they were good.

ISABELLE

So no matter what I did, I was bound to lose?

TIM RUSS

Captain Kirk may not have believed in no-win scenarios, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t have to live with them.

ISABELLE

… It’s the Kobayashi-Maru.

TIM RUSS

And what’s the lesson of the Kobayashi-Maru?

ISABELLE

Leadership means coping with loss.

TIM RUSS

What else?

ISABELLE

Even when you can’t win, you still have to try.

TIM RUSS

Exactly. And you did. And you will.

ISABELLE

I’m exhausted.

TIM RUSS

A lot of other people aren’t. People have been watching you. You know how many women of color have announced political runs in the past six months?

[Distant crowd noise gets louder]

ISABELLE

I have no idea.

TIM RUSS

Me either. But it’s more than the six months before that. You’ve done more than you realize. You’ve earned a rest. But you’ll be back at it. Maybe not as mayor, maybe not even as a politician. But you’ll be back.

[Door opens]

CON REP – Sean Kelly

Pardon me, Mr. Russ? I’ve been asked to bring you back to the green room. There’s some commotion on the convention floor, and we want to keep you secure until it’s sorted.

TIM RUSS

Thank you. Ms. Powell, I can bring you back with me, if you want to stay out of the ruckus.

ISABELLE

I think…the ruckus is probably where I ought to be.

TIM RUSS

I thought as much.

ISABELLE

Mr. Russ? Thank you.

TIM RUSS

It was a pleasure meeting you, Ms. Powell.

[Door closes]

OMI

Wow.

ISABELLE

Oh, Omi! I’m so sorry, I hogged that whole conversation. Tim Russ comes over, and I didn’t even let you talk to him!

OMI

It’s fine, Izzy. He wasn’t here to talk to me.

[Teleporter]

 

HARRY MUDD AND JAMES T KIRK AND T’POL AND COMPUTER AND GEORDI LAFORGE AND PAUL STAMETS AND KIRA NERYS

[Convention environment]

LEON

Phil was pleased. Second place. His best finish yet. And he had to admit, that mirror universe Morn costume had been pretty damn amazing.

PHIL

Next year, though. Next year I’m taking the gold.

LEON

In the meantime, Phil was still waiting to hear from Marlo. Still waiting to hear that his next clue had been passed along to Louisa. She should have been there by now. The riddle wasn’t that hard. Had he underestimated her? No, he was sure he hadn’t. He just had to be patient.

[Beep boop. Phone ringing]

MARLO [on phone]

Hello, Marlo speaking.

PHIL

Marlo, it’s me.

MARLO

Me who?

PHIL

Me…don’t you have me in your contacts?

MARLO

Well I don’t know the answer that question, now do I? If I don’t know who’s calling, how can I know if you’re in my contacts?

PHIL

Because my name would pop up on your screen when I call!

MARLO

Oh, no siree, no names show up on my screen at any time. I’m a very private person, I got all my IDs blocked.

PHIL

That’s not how…nope. Never mind. It’s Phil. “Me” is Phil.

MARLO

Oh, Phil, how ya doing?

PHIL

Do you have any news you would like to relate to me right now, regarding the assignment you are currently on?

MARLO

Oh, I been playing some chess here, seeing as I’m at the tables anyway. I never really played chess before! I mean, I played it, but not since I was a kid, so I know all the rules, like i know how the horsey does the little “L” jump and like that, but I don’t know about strategies or whatnot. Turns out, I got pretty good instincts, seeing as I won three games in a row!

PHIL

So, I’ll take that to mean the person you’re actually waiting for has not turned up yet?

CAPTAIN KIRK – Mike Linden

Excuse me?

MARLO

Not so as I’d noticed. But I’m keeping a real good eye out. I got an eagle eye you know. See stuff from real far away. That’s how I keep winning at chess, using my eagle eye. I mean, not that the chess board is so far away. It’s right here! It’d be weird to be playing chess over here, and then standing way down by the news stand or something. Nope, that wouldn’t work at all. But I got my eagle eye out just the same, only in a metaphorical sense. Like looking at the future! Of the game I mean. Not like…cosmically or nothing like that.

CAPTAIN KIRK

Um, pardon me, sir?

PHIL

Listen, I gotta go.

[Hangs up.]

Hey, man, that’s a pretty good Captain Kirk. Make it yourself?

CAPTAIN

My company employs a full-time costume designer.

[Star Trek theme begins]

PHIL

Cool. I’m more of a DIY cosplayer, but whatever gets you started, right? Were you here last year? You look really familiar.

CAPTAIN KIRK

Are you Philip West?

PHIL

Uh…no. No, I’m…Rene. Rene McCoy.

CAPTAIN KIRK

Rene Mc…yeah, that works.

[Singing]

Rene McCoy,

This song’s for you.

Your name is fake

Your lies are through.

PHIL

Nope. I’m out.

GEMMA

Oh no you don’t. RLPD, asshole. You stay right where you are and enjoy the floor show. You earned it.

PHIL

Fuck.

CAPTAIN KIRK

You tried to lead

Her on a chase

With childish clues

From place to place,

 

distracting from

Your stellar jaunt,

Like 3D chess

A gamesman’s taunt.

 

But chess is not

for dimbulb twerps

Or soon to be

imprisoned perps.

 

Louisa saw

Right through your plan

She solved the case,

She got her man.

 

Your scheme is foiled

Your plan’s a dud.

Your crimes are done

Your name is… “Mudd.”

 

[giggles]

 

And now for your

Miranda rights

You know the drill

Don’t try to fight.

 

Just raise your arms

You foolish sop,

And hold your tongue

bopummeH qop!

[Music ends]

[Applause]

BopummeH qop means “you’re under arrest.”

PHIL

In Klingon, yeah, I got that.

LOUISA

Long time no see, Phil. How’s things?

PHIL

Louisa! You…you found me. Did you get my letter?

LOUISA

Sure did. We’ve got people taking in your accomplice right now.

PHIL

Aw, don’t do that. He doesn’t know anything. He’s just a guy from Craigslist.

GEMMA

He’s not who you should be worrying about, shit-head.

PHIL

Louisa…I just want you to know…I meant it when I said I missed you.

LOUISA

Aww, Phil. Baby. I know you did. [Blows huge raspberry at him.]

PHIL

Oookay. Can I just go to jail now?

GEMMA

Sure thing, asshole. Take him away boys.

[handcuffs close]

LEON

Wait.

CAPTAIN KIRK

How was that?

LOUISA

Wendell, you couldn’t have been more perfect. Thank you.

LEON

Hold on a second…

WENDELL

Not exactly what I expected from a first date? But interesting. I’m going to go put on different clothes now, though. I’ll see you tonight?

LOUISA

Oh yeah, we are definitely still on for tonight.

LEON

But if Phil goes to jail…

ISABELLE

Gemma? What’s going on?

GEMMA

Isabelle. Good, I was about to come looking for you.

ISABELLE

Who’s…who did you just arrest?

LEON

Who will send groceries to Michael?

GEMMA

Philip West. His fingerprints are all over the cans of baked beans that were planted in your nephew’s bedroom.

ISABELLE

Oh…oh my god. Oh my god. You got him.

GEMMA

We got him.

ISABELLE

How…I…oh my god.

GEMMA

Oh, Isabelle, let me introduce you. [Pulls Louisa over.] This woman here is Private Investigator Louisa Alvarez.

LOUISA

Oh..uh…

GEMMA

We couldn’t have brought him in without her.

ISABELLE

You!

[She hugs Louisa.]

LOUISA

Oh…uh…hugs. Hugs are…fine.

ISABELLE

Thank you. Thank you.

CHUCK

Excuse me! Ms. Linzer-Coolidge? Pardon me!

GEMMA

Chuck? How in the fluffing heck did you get here so danged fast?

CHUCK

Oh, I uh…beamed in! Eh? Eh?

GEMMA

I don’t get it.

LOUISA

It’s a Star Trek thing.

GEMMA

I figured. Look, Chuck, we can talk later. Right now I’ve got an arrest to process and paperwork to finish. Don’t call me, I’ll call you. [Clicks her tongue at him]

MALLORY

Hey! Hey Chuck! Chuck-o!

CHUCK

Mallory! Did you see the…?

MALLORY

Fuckin’ -A- I did! Saw the whole trip, from the cosplay awards ceremony, to the bumblefuck g-man team pretending to blend in with the crowd, to the sing-along perp walk. And I can tell you all the fuck about it.

CHUCK

That’s what I like to hear. Camera, you ready? Good. Me and Mallory are going to work.

 

CREDITS

[Trek music]

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

You can follow Greater Boston on Twitter @InGreaterBoston or on Tumblr at GreaterBlogston.tumblr.com. Follow us there for news, updates, and behind the scenes chat about the show!

Thank you to supporters Bridge and Rasmus! You to can support us on Patreon at GreaterBoston.Patreon.com!

This episode featured:

Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis

Jessica Washington as Isabelle Powell

Summer Unsinn as Charlotte Linzer Coolidge

Mario da Rosa as Isaiah Powell

Jeff Van Dreason as Chuck Octagon

Marck Harmon as Andy Wood

Arun Sannuti as Tyrell Fredericks

Lydia Anderson as Gemma Linzer-Coolidge

Julia Propp as Louisa Alvarez

Michael Melia as Philip West

Mike Linden as Marlo, Guy, and Wendell

Johanna Bodnyk as Mallory

James Johnston as Dimitri Stamatis

Julia Morizawa as Omi Ogawa

With appearances by Colin Kelly as Andorian Cos-Player and Sean Kelly of the delightful comedy podcast Improvised Star Trek as the convention representative.

And featuring special guest Tim Russ of Star Trek Voyager as himself.

Charlie on the MTA by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede

Greater Boston Trek theme by Eli McIlveen

Transcripts available at GreaterBostonShow.com

[Music swells, then ends.]

 

COOKIE

ALEXANDER DANNER

Okay. So…lest there be any doubt that our phones listen to us when we’re not using them…

BRADEN LAMB

Uh huh…

ALEXANDER

I just opened up, um…Google on my phone, because I’ve never actually looked to see, did Morn actually show up in any of the mirror universe episodes.

BRADEN

Mm-hm.

ALEXANDER

I got as far is M-I-R-R-O and it auto-filled “mirror universe Morn.”

BRADEN

Gaaahhh!

JULIA PROPP
[long gross raspberry, descending into laughter, joined by Lydia.]

I spit all over!

ALEXANDER

Yeah, no I’ve accepted that spitting is the price of getting the take I want.

JULIA

It’s disgusting! I just can’t…

JEFF

Well done, though!

ALEXANDER

Okay, I want to do it again.

[more laughter]

JULIA
Lydia, go to the side, I just don’t want to get you wet. God.

JEFF

Do you need an umbrella?

JULIA

Okay.

LYDIA
Alright.

JULIA
Aw, Phil, baby, I know you did. [Deep breath, long raspberry]

[more laughter]

JULIA

That’s the grossest thing.

ALEXANDER

Oh yeah!

CONTENT NOTES

  • Strong Language
  • Reference to “Bury Your Gays” trope
  • Reference to that episode of Voyager where Paris and Janeway are transformed into lizards and then have lizard sex resulting in lizard babies, what the hell was even up with that?
  • Discussion of systemic racism
  • Singing, briefly in Klingon
  • Police arrest
  • Brief crossing of personal boundaries
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