Transcript for Episode 38: The Voice In Your Head

COLD OPEN

CHUCK OCTAGON – JEFF VAN DREASON

Who are you? And Why are you here?

INTERVIEW

Um. So…I personally like to get a degree in mechanical engineering technology. I always liked working on things like robotics. I always liked tinkering with things, since I was very young. I think it started when I was five.

[Charlie on the MTA plays]

CHUCK
I don’t even just mean the college. I mean like…on Earth. In this life.

INTERVIEW

Oh. [laughter.] Oh my god! I haven’t thought about that kind of thing really deeply really, but I just know for a fact that I just like…building things. But um…yeah.

PREVIOUSLY IN

JAMES JOHNSTON

Previously, in Greater Boston…

LEON

They arrive in the middle of the night, while the trains are shut down for the evening. They wait for activation.

OLIVER

I’m going to promise them that you will sell Wonderland in exchange for a pleasant, legal, 9 – 5 job.

PHIL
And what about Emily’s fall guy?

OLIVER

I have the perfect person in mind.

TYRELL

I have a letter addressed to you and Nica from Leon.

DIMITRI

Together. I think that’s how we have to read it.

NICA

It doesn’t sound crazy. It is crazy.

DIMITRI

If you change your mind, I’ll be at Wonderland.

CHUCK

Red Line wasted no time justifiably evicting the former citizens in the name of economic terrorism.

ETHAN

If they’re programmed with the right mixture of memories from Stamatis…the trains will run like a stopwatch.

S3 TITLE SEQUENCE

Multiple Voices

Fields Corner
Hyde Park

Want it in character voice or real voice?
East Boston
Alright
Malden
Red Line
Dorchester
Salem
Somerville
West Roxbury
Hanson
Worcester
Malden
This..

Somerville

Revere
…is
Uhh…I’ve lived in Leominster my whole life
Brighton
Uhh…I live in Milton, Massachusetts
Roslindale
(That’s where I’m from)

East Boston
I’m from Dorchester
This is…

South Boston
This is…
In Brockton

Medford, Massachusetts

[Laughter]
Red Line

Dorchester

This is…

This is…

This is…

Greater Boston

THIS WEEK

JEFF

This week in Greater Boston: Episode 38: The Voice in Your Head

 

MORE TIME

[Light party talking / music. Muffled, through a door. A light knock].

NICA STAMATIS — Kelly McCabe

Come in!

[Door opens. Sound of party is louder.]

DIMITRI STAMATIS — James Johnston

Hey, there you are. I was worried that you left.

NICA

Nah, just needed a minute alone.

[Door closes, muffling party again.

DIMITRI

Everything okay?

NICA

It’s just — I — I’m wondering about all the people I still need to say goodbye to. You know? Like, like…my job at Singer. The Someday Cafe regulars. This is your thing and I haven’t even given my notice yet and —

DIMITRI

Hey. It’s totally okay. I get it.

NICA

You do?

DIMITRI

Of course. You just need a little more time to get everything in order. I’m sorry, I’ve been pushing this schedule on you very last minute and that’s not fair.

NICA

Yeah, more time. More time would be great.

DIMITRI

Tell you what. I’m crashing with a friend in Springfield for a few days after I catch my bus. Why don’t you meet me out there? The next bus to Chicago doesn’t leave until Wednesday, so as long as you come sometime before then, we’ll be all good. Just make sure to buy your ticket online.

NICA

Okay. Sounds great.

DIMITRI

Nica. Is anything wrong?

[Tosa waltz plays.]

NICA

No. I’m sorry. I did this new monologue last night at Someday and — and it didn’t go as well as I thought it would. I got about …three fourths into it? And it just felt really long and I freaked out and ended it super abruptly.

DIMITRI

I’m sure it was fantastic.

NICA

I really wish you could have been there to hear it.

DIMITRI

I’ m sorry, I just had so much packing to do. You know how it is.

NICA

I do.

DIMITRI

Oh, man, I’m so psyched to get on the road with you! Nica and Dimitri – hitting the road for one wondrous journey! Gonna head back downstairs. Want to make sure I catch up with Leon before I slip away. See you in a few days!

[Dark whoosh fades in. Music distorts.]

NICA

Dimitri — ?

[Sound of green line train screeching, building slower, then higher.]

DIMITRI

Yeah?

NICA

I — uhh. (Pause) Thank you. For inviting me to come with you.

DIMITRI

Of course! Listen. We are going to have one hell of an adventure. That I promise you.

[Green Line train noise peaks]

 

COULDA SHOULDA FUCKING WOULDA

[Dimitri wakes up with a start. On the Green Line.]

DIMITRI

HECCHHH!

MALLORY — Johanna Bodnyk

Jesus Mary and old dirty fucker Joseph! You almost gave me a heart attack.

DIMITRI

I’m — I’m sorry.

MALLORY

Who the hell falls asleep on the Green Line anyway? Can’t you hear that screeching? Sounds like a drunk android getting drawn and fucking quartered.

DIMITRI

I think it’s the lack of food, honestly.

[Zipper, a package is removed from a backpack.]

MALLORY

Here, I’ve got this sandwich in my bag.

DIMITRI

Thanks. Are you okay?

MALLORY

Eh, I got a bug up my ass so far it’s crawling out my mouth. This email says my school is closing down. The big bag o’C’s. The Cambridge Central Square Community College Commuter Campus?

DIMITRI

Why, what happened?

MALLORY

Said they were bought out by some other college. “The Line Institute for Earnings Studies.” Smells like a leaking sack of fresh pigshit to me, but anyway, they aren’t going to have my program, so I can’t even transfer.

DIMITRI

Wait. Read that name again?

MALLORY

The Line Institute for Earnings Studies.

DIMITRI

L-I-E-S? Really?

MALLORY

They gotta be some for-profit Tom-fuckery.

DIMITRI

So…what are you gonna do?

MALLORY

I don’t know. I only have a year and some change to finish, I’ll probably transfer. Tufts has a decent program. (Pause). Can I ask you something weird?

DIMITRI

Okay.

MALLORY

Do you think it’s weird that we hang out?

DIMITRI

Quite the contrary. I love hanging out with you.

MALLORY

Really?

DIMITRI

Yeah. When I lived in Boston before, I was always so bored. That’s the main reason I left. But when I’m with you? It’s like — it’s like every day is an adventure. And I mean that as a compliment.

MALLORY

But you know I’m only like…20 years old, right?

DIMITRI

Yeah but that’s — wait, what?

MALLORY

Yeah, dude. I’m young as fuck.

DIMITRI

Huh. I mean…you seem so…you…

MALLORY

Is that like a deal breaker or something?

DIMITRI

No, I’m just surprised. You seem older. And I mean that as a compliment too. You seem like you’ve got everything figured out.

MALLORY

Yeah, I fucking do. But that’s cool, because you’re pretty fun to hang out with for a Scent Wipe. But also you should know I’m not like into you or anything, so if that’s what you were worried about, go back to fucking Alaska and chill.

DIMITRI

I know you’re not.

MALLORY

You do?

DIMITRI

I mean…you do call me Scent Wipe.

MALLORY

Yeah, there’s that. I’d apologize but I wouldn’t mean it.

DIMITRI

Plus I’m like ten years older than you.

MALLORY

Yeah, I know — wait, what, you are?

DIMITRI

Yeah. I’m thirty. Why? Don’t I seem it?

MALLORY

Uhh. No, dude. You don’t. I figured you were 26, tops. Anyway, some fellas get weird about hanging out with a badass chick who’s way better at everything than they are, and some guys get especially weird about hanging out with a younger woman who’s way better at everything then they are. But you seem cool. Don’t get me wrong, I dig you and shit, and if you were younger maybe I’d consider it, but I’m kinda swinging in the other direction right now with my dating preferences anyway.

DIMITRI

Oh. So, you’re bi?

MALLORY

Uhh, yeah dude, duh.

DIMITRI

Why…why would a question like that be classified in the “duh” category?

MALLORY

I don’t know. I treat women differently. Haven’t you noticed?

DIMITRI

You seem to treat everyone with a healthy dose of cautious contempt.

MALLORY

Yeah, but ladies a little less so, for obvious reasons.

DIMITRI

Sure.

MALLORY

So as long as we’re cool being friends and all, can I ask you something of a personal question?

DIMITRI

Yes.

MALLORY

What made you decide to come back?

DIMITRI

I — it’s hard to answer. Nica asked me the same thing and — I really wanted to tell her. But I don’t think she’d believe me.

MALLORY

Is it about what happened with old Mr. Skynap McMoney-Fucker?

DIMITRI

No, it was before that. I went looking for something. I had to…had to find something that seemed…that seemed different. That seemed so out there that Leon probably wouldn’t believe me. I wanted to prove something to him. That all these naive journeys, as he called them — that they were about something.

[Light strains of busker music pass through.]

So I searched and I searched. And I found it. A drowned city, upside down. A mess of skeletons on the top, mangled and mashed together, getting sucked through a crack in their protective dome, whisked away to the cold emptiness of an indifferent ocean.

I found Atlantis. And it was horrible. And I realized that even if I found what I set out to find? All it did was prove Leon right. And the worst part was, I couldn’t come back and tell that to his face. His death just underlined the point. I should have been with him. I should have been with him —

MALLORY

No. No, you had to go and find that. You needed to.

DIMITRI

But how can you say that! If I had stayed here —

MALLORY

You wouldn’t have.

DIMITRI

But but but — if things were different, if *I* were different then I could —

MALLORY

They weren’t. You weren’t. Listen, I get it. I know how you feel. But at the same time? You needed to make that journey in order to find out what was important to you. Say you stayed, cancelled your trip. How long would it have been before you were out the door? Off on some other adventure? And maybe you wouldn’t have learned your fucking lesson on that one, you know?

DIMITRI

You never struck me as a pre-determinist.

MALLORY

Fuck that noise. All I’m saying is, don’t dwell on the coulda shoulda fucking woulda. You know? I don’t blame you for feeling fucking said or guilty. But there wouldn’t have been any other way. And honestly? It could have been a lot worse. So give yourself a break.

DIMITRI

Thanks. And…thanks for believing me.

MALLORY

Why wouldn’t I believe you?

DIMITRI

Uhh. Atlantis?

MALLORY

(Laughs) Dude. Sometime I gotta show you the city of the mole people deep in the orange line tunnels. You’ll lose your scent wipe shit.

DIMITRI

Are you SERIOUS?

MALLORY

Of course I’m fucking serious! I’m Mallory! Just do me the favor. Next time you’re ready to jump straight into the gnarly asshole of adventure? Give me more of a heads up. Okay?

DIMITRI

Okay. Deal.

LEON

Dimitri and Mallory transferred trains, green then blue.

[Crowd noises, trucks. Distant carnival music.]

LEON STAMATIS — Braden Lamb

When they approached the gates of Wonderland, Dimitri expressed a desire not to do it from the front gates. There was a line of people carrying belongings, Refugees looking for shelter, for a new place among Isabelle Bespin’s exodus. Dimitri wanted to explore the periphery a bit more, see the park from more of a distant point of view. But really?

DIMITRI

I’m….not sure I’m ready to get too close to it yet.

MALLORY

It’s totally different you know. The ride he died on? It…it doesn’t even —

DIMITRI

I know. I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse.

MALLORY

Sure. I get it.

LEON

So they walked.

[Footsteps in tall grass.]

LEON

Every once in a while, Dimitri would take out his sketchbook and make a doodle. The great ferris wheel in the distance, for example. Looking like a large wheel of cheese. And as he moved closer to get a better look at his inspiration —

[A box kicks, and something rattles.]

DIMITRI (tripping)

Whuuuhhha!

MALLORY

What is that?

DIMITRI (picking something up)

It’s — it’s …the puzzle box. The one I gave them. The people at my farewell party.  (Shakes it)

MALLORY

WHat’s inside it?

DIMITRI

I have no idea. The guy who sold it to me just left all these cryptic clues about it. Said it would be really tough to figure out, especially if you were by yourself. I figured it might be good for a party. If a bunch of people got it at once, maybe they could figure it out together. (Pause). This…this is Nica’s.

MALLORY

How can you tell?

DIMITRI

They were all individual. Hers had this marking on the bottom. I remember exactly what they looked like, hers and Leon’s. Before I gave it to them.

MALLORY

Do you wanna split? This is kinda fucking intense.

DIMITRI

No. No, I think…I think I’m ready to be surrounded by other people for a bit.

 

LEGION: NOW IN RED LINE, PART 2

[Legion theme plays.]

MULTIPLE VOICES
We are…

VOICE 1 — David Rheinstrom

We are…

VOICE 2 — Phoebe Joy

Watching Ben Afleck enjoy fine boutique shopping at Field’s Corner, where dollar stores and pawn shops have been revitalized into Sharper Image and vintage consignment couture!

VOICE 3 — Jordan Cobb

We are…

VOICE 1

Watching Ben Afleck practice his putting with clubs that double as cocktail shakers!

VOICE 2

We are…

VOICE 3

Watching Ben Afleck twist open the handle of his golf club to sample a well-shaken Old Fashioned, made with only fine top shelf liquors!

VOICE 1

What do you think Ben Afleck?

[Silence]

BEN AFLECK — Briggon Snow

I’m Ben Affleck, and if you want to know what I think, you just need to listen to my cleft chin cleave even deeper, as if to say, “Shopping at Field’s Corner brings all the elegance of boutique shopping together with the convenience of transit food courts, to create the finest shopping experience you’ll ever have on mass transit.” Why? Because it’s just like shopping Skymall. But on the ground!

 

NICA AT WONDERLAND – FIRST RIDE

[Carnival music]

LEON

Nica kept her head down and her hood up as she crossed Wonderland. These people had every reason to hate her for her role in Red Line Eviction imbroglio.

“Imbroglio?” That was such a “Leon” word. But of course she was thinking of him. Me. She was thinking of me. Being back here again, where I had died. Where she would finally talk to him. To Dimitri.

And there he was. Mallory too. Waiting by The Nacho Flume, with its flow of hot cheese in place of water. She could change her whole story right now, with one phone call to Nichole. All her childhood dreams waited on the other end of the line.

NICA

How did this happen? You two being buddies?

DIMITRI

We met in an abandoned tunnel. Mallory let me stay in your food truck.

MALLORY

You didn’t seem to give a shit about that barf box anyway.

NICA

No, not really.

MALLORY

Good thing. Someone made off with it last week. It’s lucky Scent Wipe carries all his stuff around like a hobo.

DIMITRI

Speaking of stuff I’ve got, I have your puzzle box. I found it in the reeds outside the park.

NICA

You found it!? I chucked that from the top of the roller coaster.

MALLORY

You coulda killed somebody!

DIMITRI

With Leon?

NICA

After.

DIMITRI

Oh.

NICA

I brought Leon’s. I found it in Michael’s office.

DIMITRI

That’s all three, then.

NICA

You bought yourself one?

DIMITRI

I didn’t want to be the only person without one.

MALLORY

Don’t you guys have some real shit to have out? We’re gonna be here all night if you keep prairie dogging it.

NICA

I imagined us having this conversation on the Whirl-O-Don. It used to be right here. I wanted to make you ride it with me.

DIMITRI

As pilgrimage or penance?

NICA

Both, I think. Sometimes more one than the other. But it’s gone. Now it’s…The Nacho Flume? God, this place has changed. It took a real turn for the dumb.

DIMITRI

The Nacho Flume is as close as we could get, I guess. I’d still do it with you if it were running.

MALLORY

I got this.

DIMITRI

Oh…uh. Okay? Okay.

LEON

Nica ducked under the ropes—then watched Dimitri make his way through the circuitous rope maze. They boarded, and Mallory sent them on their way.

[A heavy lever is pulled, starting the ride. The ratcheting sound of the chain pulling the cars is dampened by the thick, sludgy bubbling of the cheese.]

As they slowly rose, they exchanged long-delayed letters—Nica’s returned from the Charles River where she had once tossed it. Dimitri’s written on a one-tree island in the ocean—written but never sent.

[Pause.]

DIMITRI

Do you…do you know what really haunts me?

NICA

The last time you saw him? The last thing you said to him? Missing his funeral? The things you can’t say to him now?

DIMITRI

No nothing like that. It breaks my heart that I’m never going to see him again. He was my…my safe place. But there’s nothing I need to say that he didn’t already know.

NICA

That’s bullshit. You don’t care that you can’t talk to him? You always had something to tell him. Always! I mean…christ, at the very least aren’t you blowing your top that you can’t tell him you were right? About all that stuff, all those impossibilities? None of that matters to you?

DIMITRI

Of course I care! It absolutely guts me. I saw such horrifying things. There was this time down in the subway…Leon and passed in opposite directions.I could have gotten off the train just to say “hello.” It wouldn’t have cost me anything. I could have caught the next train, still had my adventure. I just needed to hit pause and enjoy a few minutes talking to my brother. Instead, I shrugged and kept going. Sitting there alone under the ocean, that’s what I couldn’t stop thinking about. And I realized I’d done it again in portland. I’d gone there looking for Sasquatch, but instead I found two people captivated by the happenstance mystery of each other. I saw it, but completely missed the significance. I thought it was sad. That’s the moment the adventure ended. Right then, I should have come home. I’d have been here in time. Only by a day or two, but I’d have seen him before it was too late. Instead, I shrugged and got on a submarine. I didn’t even call home first.

But not talking to him about that stuff—that’s *my* loss. He didn’t need my mysteries. I’m going to miss him for the rest of my life. And I’m going to kick myself for missing so many opportunities to enjoy him. But that’s not the same as being haunted by him. All Leon needed was to know we loved him. And he did. He was sure of us. Both of us.

LEON

As they approached the peak, they braced for the coming drop. A moment of panic stole through Nica as she looked at her brother. Sitting there beside her at the top of the track, awaiting the plunge.

DIMITRI

Up and over.

[A heavier bubbling of cheese. Slow movement as the car begins descending, scraping the sides.]

LEON

The plunge didn’t come. The thick sludge of cheese didn’t allow it. Without the chain lift pulling the car, it slowed on the descent. Nica and Dimitri dangled in their restraints, watching the ground gradually approach.

DIMITRI

Whee, I guess?

NICA

Huh.

[Pause.]

DIMITRI

I missed your show.

NICA

What?

DIMITRI

Your open mic performance.

NICA

So? Wait…THAT? That’s what haunts you?! It was one show. You went to plenty of others.

DIMITRI

But I didn’t go to *that* one. The last one before I left. “Oh, I had so much packing, you know how it is.” I didn’t show up for you.

Your letter talks about how I kept leaving, and coming back. And…I don’t think you understand why. I always asked you to come with me, and you’d say “just give me a couple of days.” So I’d wait for you. And you’d call and say, “yeah, I’ll be there soon,” so I’d keep waiting, until you’d call and it was, “no, sorry, something came up, I can’t go after all.”

But then I’d be there, at the beginning of an adventure. By myself. You’re my best friend. All my plans included you. So I’d bum around for a few days, then come home.

That last time, I really thought you were coming. That’s why I threw the party. You seemed so certain, until the last conversation. I told myself “it’s okay. She’ll be there.”

But then you weren’t.

And… I had to go. I couldn’t turn around. Not again. But I didn’t know how to go without you. I *had* to go. But all I kept thinking was how I was leaving you behind. So I had to stop…thinking about you. I had to cut myself off from you, or I would never have been able to do what I needed to do for myself. I hated doing that. And I was angry at you for making me.

But so many times, I hadn’t shown up either. I didn’t know I was doing it, but that’s not an excuse. I should have known.

I should have bought a fucking phone. I should have been at the funeral. You needed me!

That’s what haunts me, Nica. All the times I didn’t show up for *you*.

[The ride finally reaches bottom.]

NICA

You wanted me to do a lot more than just show up. You wanted me to turn my whole life upside-down.

MALLORY

How was the ride, folks?

DIMITRI

Uh…pretty terrible, actually?

NICA

We’re gonna take a second pass, though.

MALLORY

You got it, boss lady.

 

THEY DRIVE

[Metallic legs moving in unison]

LEON (sounding tired)

It …it happens overnight. They move, marching towards the trains, waiting for them like sleeping dragons. They open the doors.

[Train door opens. Robotic noises.]

LEON

They sit in the operator seats and plug into the pre-installed battery outlet. They sit where they will always sit from this point forward, where they’ve been programmed to sit forever, or at least until they wear themselves down enough to demand repair. They wait one last time, through the remainder of the night. They do not feel emotions, but they have a certain anxiety. Excitement. A reason to fulfill their purpose. A reason to exist. To be.

[Keys not working in locks. ]

At 5am, the people they replace show up outside the locked doors, their keys no longer working. Only their mechanical replacements can open these doors, can operate these trains. The poor sacks of replaced flesh bang on the doors. Some bang until their knuckles split, shouting the entire time.

[Banging. Swearing. Cursing]

[Train runs.]

At 5:55, they drive. They hit every stop perfectly on time. They never falter. They know how to make up time. They share a collective consciousness, infused with a higher sense of order and punctuality. My memories are always there to remind them, should they need it. They know how to slow down when need be. They know how to drive so as to reduce noise and friction. The trains have never been more on time. They have never been smoother.

The trains are theirs now. And they will not let them down.

 

THE UNDERGROUND

[Coffee shop environment. Soft drumming.]

CHUCK

Nichole! Hey, Nichole, over here! It’s me—Chuck Octagon!

NICHOLE

Hey, Chuck Octagon. What’s the haps?

CHUCK

The “haps” are not good, I’ll say that much. But we’re waiting for a couple more people. Should be here any moment.

NICHOLE

Who are we looking for? Got a description?

CHUCK

No, but I’m sure they’ll recognize me. How’s your show going—Inexplicable Riddles?

NICHOLE

Eh. It’s going. I think I’m about to get my guy, but after that…who knows? I’m waiting to hear on a potential new co-host, but if she doesn’t sign, I think the show’s probably dead.

CHUCK

That’s a shame. I do love riddles.

NICHOLE

Yeah?

CHUCK

I published a book of them once. Years ago, under a pen name. BB Bosco.

NICHOLE

What did the “BB” stand for?

CHUCK

Nothing, actually. I just liked the alliteration. Alliteration—when the keywords of a phrase or sentence all start with the same sound.

NICHOLE

I’m familiar with alliteration, Chuck.

LOUISA

Hey, Chuck Octagon. I’m Louisa Alvarez.

CHUCK

Louisa, hello. I’m Chuck Octagon. And this is on-air personality Nichole Fonzerelli.

LOUISA

Fonzerelli? Really?

NICHOLE

Don’t go there.

LOUISA

Alright, not going there. Anyway, this is my associate, Michael Tate.

MICHAEL

Mr. Octagon, hello! We’ve met, actually. You interviewed me out on the street once.

CHUCK

Yes, yes, I’m sure I probably did.

MICHAEL

And then you did an investigative piece, trying to find me after my disappearance last year.

CHUCK

Huh? Ohhh, yeah. Right! Did anyone ever find you?

MICHAEL

Uh… yeah…hi?

CHUCK

Good, congratulations. I guess I should probably do a follow-up piece on that. At least, I would if not for the fact that my career has suddenly transformed into a festering nightmare of journalistic impropriety. Or to put it more simply, a rotten circumstance of unethical reportage.

LOUISE

Right. So…Charlotte Linzer-Coolidge tells me you’re in the market for an investigative photographer.

CHUCK

Okay, so here’s the situation. Have you been watching my show lately?

NICHOLE

That’s more of a question than a statement on the situation there, Chuck.

MICHAEL

I’ve been watching your show. A lot. I’ve been kind of surprised by it lately, and I’ve been wondering what’s up with it. That’s why I asked Louisa if I could tag along. You’ve really bought into Bespin’s whole schtick. Not exactly unbiased. Also, not exactly sincere is my guess.

CHUCK

Yeah. That’s the problem. The network is feeding me scripts. We got bought out recently by this corporation that’s been moving in—Multitude. They’re a subsidiary of Myriad, which is a subsidiary of Throng, which is a subsidiary of this other subsidiary or something. Anyway, they’re big supporters of Emily Bespin. And they’ve made clear that we’re all supposed to be her cheerleader from now on. As a journalist, it’s generally not appropriate for me to discuss my political leanings, choice of candidate, or voting history. But I’ll say this much—of the two options presented, I would not have voted for Emily Bespin, if I were a Red Line resident. And I deeply resent being required to act as though I would have.

NICHOLE

Okay, now that’s actually a situation. And considering that you’ve gathered a small team of investigators and media personalities in a semi-conspiratorial huddle, I assume you’ve hatched some kind of subversive plot to challenge or overturn that whole bullshit turn of events that will utilize our individual skills and talents. Or am I misreading the sitch here, Mr. Ocean?

CHUCK

That’s “Octagon.” Chuck Octagon. But yes, Nichole, that is a fair and accurate estimation of “the sitch.” My goal is to launch an underground media initiative. One that will report the true machinations of the Bespin administration and it’s allegedly nefarious association with the Legion corporation, potentially in concert with the Lottery orchestrated by terrorist Oliver West.

MICHAEL

Ooooo, neat. I was hoping it’d be something like this. Can we call it the, uh…you ready?  “The Underground?” Yeah?

CHUCK

Ehh, we’ll discuss it.

MICHAEL

Cool, I’ll put it in my calendar, right…yeah. Okay.

LOUISA

“Allegedly nefarious?” Has that actually been alleged?

CHUCK

Yes. By me. Just now. I am alleging it. It is officially alleged.

LOUISA

And you want to hire my firm to help prove out your allegations?

CHUCK

Yes.

LOUISA

Well, I’m in good position to help you. I’ve got a CI with knowledge of the Bespin campaign as well as the Lottery. And I’ve got another in the resistance movement that’s building in Red Line. If you’ve got the funding, I’m game for the job.

CHUCK

And that’s where we run into trouble. Nichole, is there any chance that you’re network would be interested in underwriting a venture like this?

NICHOLE

I reeeeally doubt it. Unless we spin it as some kind of wacky reality show, which I’m pretty sure is not what you have in mind. Is that all you brought me in for?

CHUCK

No. You’ve got good camera presence. I want you on air.

NICHOLE

Okay, cool.

MICHAEL

I can do the funding.

LOUISA

You can? How?

MICHAEL

Well…I’ve got a lot of money right now. Like…a LOT a lot.

CHUCK

The Underground it is!

LOUISA

Aren’t you broke and homeless?

MICHAEL

Homeless, yeah. But I took out renter’s insurance when I moved into Porter Square, so when my house got yanked down the subway tunnel, with all of the squeezy stress balls. That set me up for a pretty great insurance payout actually. Also, I haven’t been paying for rent, food, utilities, or pretty much anything for almost a year. And I was collecting double salaries from ThirdSight that whole time. It’s kind of an ideal situation in that way. I mean, not really, I was locked up.

I’ve got so much money right now, it’s honestly making me kind of twitchy. I’ve been really holding back on my instinct to just, you know…just get rid of it. It’s *weird* having that much money. I don’t like it. And, uhh…But now here’s my chance! I can get myself back to rights and accomplish something important at the same time!

Kind of an ideal situation in that regard. And I know I said that before, but those were both ideal–actually the other one was not as ideal as I previously had suggested it was, because, again, like I said, I was stuck in a room for a year, and it almost killed me. So. Yeah. We’re just gonna go with this one being the most ideal of situations, actually.

LOUISA

We should really find you a financial manager.

MICHAEL

If I get rid of the money, I won’t need one.

LOUISA

We’re going to have a talk about that. Later. For now though, okay. It looks like we’ve got our funding.

MICHAEL

Also, currently I’m an unemployed writer and editor, so I can work too. I can do stuff.

CHUCK

Cool, cool, writing’s good too.

LOUISA

Yeah, buddy, you’re gonna need writers if you’re doing a media thing. I know you’re used to just standing in front of a camera and jabbering, but what you’re proposing is going to take a lot more than that. You want me, you better take Michael seriously.

MICHAEL

Also, I’ve spent most of the past year living in Oliver West’s abandoned secret hideout, memorizing his financial records.

CHUCK

Welcome aboard!

 

NICA AT WONDERLAND – SECOND RIDE

[Heavly lever — ride resumes. Gross cheese noises.]

LEON

On their second ride, Nica mulled the choice she had to make. She could join Nichole on her show, take over her brother’s role, cut him out of his creation. Leave him in breach of his contract, and with no way to even deal with that kind of trouble. And he’d let her. He’d made it for her, after all. She knew that.

NICA

That open mic stopped being important a long time ago.

DIMITRI

It’s a representative example. Of how I put my dreams first.

NICA

Yeah. Yeah, you did.

NICA

Do you want to know what I talked about in that night’s performance? Some of it was about you. About what I envied most about you: You act. If you have an idea, you execute it. You have a goal, you go after it. You get curious about some batshit nonsense, and you do the work to satisfy that curiosity. Recklessly, without considering how you’re impacting the rest of us…but I wasn’t thinking about that part of it then. I was only thinking about how brave you were. Which wasn’t even true, was it? You’re just impulsive. Not the same thing.

But whatever the reason, you act. While I stood passively aside, waiting for adventures to come to me.

DIMITRI

That’s why I took the TV show. To…to go with you on *your* adventure.

NICA

By reenacting your adventures?

DIMITRI

That’s what they offered me. I could only take it or leave it. And I figured…it was a place to start. You could trade up from there.

NICA
You didn’t ask.

DIMITRI
I tried! I couldn’t reach you. I called you, but you weren’t there.

NICA
You couldn’t reach me? *You* couldn’t reach *me.* Go on, Dimitri, tell me about that. About how unreachable I was, and what a hardship that was for you. Tell me what that’s like, because really, I could hardly imagine.

DIMITRI

Nica, I know, I said…

NICA
I know what you said. Just because you said it doesn’t mean you’re forgiven. Or that I can’t still yell at you for it. Or that I am ever *ever* going to accept that excuse from you about anything.

DIMITRI
Okay. But…I made the best decision I could. I thought you’d want me to take it. I thought you’d be mad at me if I didn’t.

[Long pause.]

NICA

I get why you think that’s helping me to chase my dreams. But that’s the thing about disappearing for two years, and being completely un-fucking-reachable. That whole time you’re gone, the image in your head stays still, but reality moves on. You’re still catching up.

I’m not even saying I wouldn’t like it. Having a TV show.  But god, what a frivolous dream that was. Fame. Not for anything in particular. I just needed people to know my name. If I’d gone with you, we’d have found DB Cooper together, gotten the show together. But no. I had my own way: I’d get on a stage and talk until “fame” happened. And you know the craziest thing? That’s exactly how it went. Emily Bespin put me on stage and made me famous. The famous monster’s henchmen.

But that’s me all over, isn’t it? The henchman. The accomplice. The sidekick. The tagalong. Nothing we did was ever my idea. My ideas felt so small compared to your plans. An idea came into your head, and you just ran at it, even if you ended up buried under a mountain of ice. Do you even remember how badly Leon’s hands were hurt after that? He was in bandages for a week.

This show you’re offering me…it makes me your sidekick again. Even when it’s supposed to be my idea, my dream, somehow I end up your sidekick. And okay fine, you didn’t have a choice in what the show was about, it was that or nothing. Whatever. It’s still a fucking participation trophy. It’s my dream handed to me as a byproduct of you. Being sidekick on your adventures is bad enough. Being sidekick in *my own* adventures? No. Not anymore.

That view of me…you don’t even question it, do you? The follower, the number two. You can’t see what I’m really doing. Talking up all Bespin’s meanness like it’s gold. It’s an act. Turns out I’m good at that. Acting. Nobody suspects that walking failure Nica Stamatis is a double agent. And whose idea was it? Who took the initiative? I did. Probably nobody but the people I’m working with will ever know. And you, now. But honestly? That’s enough. Especially since…well, if nobody knows the good thing I’ve done, then maybe nobody will know the bad thing I did. The thing I’m atoning for.

DIMITRI

That’s really brave, Nica.

NICA

Maybe. But the hole I need to climb out of is so deep.

LEON

Their car came to the top of the flume, teetered briefly, then reluctantly tipped to the opposite slope. As gravity shifted, they slid ever so slightly toward each other.

[Three audible clicks.]

NICA

What was that?

LEON

The puzzle boxes. Finally. Those have been nagging at me for years.

DIMITRI

They’re supposed to work together somehow. I think they just unlocked.

[Opens box.]

LEON

Dimitri opened his box. Inside was a plastic submarine, a cereal box toy that would rise and dive in water if loaded with baking soda.

NICA

Well that’s pretty cheap.

DIMITRI

It would have been prescient, two years ago.

NICA

I hope mine’s better.

[Opens box.]

LEON

Nica’s contained thick copper coin, with a train imprinted on one side, a block letter T on the other. A subway token, obsolete for over a decade.

NICA

Man, you got swindled. I hope you didn’t pay a lot for these.

DIMITRI

Let’s not talk about that.

NICA

Ouch.

[Pause.]

DIMITRI

I’m sorry I treated you like a sidekick. I didn’t mean to. I never thought of you that way.

NICA

Yes, you did. On some level, that’s exactly how you thought of me.

DIMITRI

Okay. Maybe…okay. I’m sorry, Nica.

NICA

The thing is…you were right. I should have gone with you. I shouldn’t have been here.

DIMITRI

So we can go. Whatever you want, Nica. Stay or go, I’m with you. You choose the way.

NICA

It doesn’t matter now. It’s too late. The point is, I shouldn’t have been here in the first place! If I’d gone with you… Don’t you get it? Leon would still be alive. If I hadn’t been here, then I couldn’t have killed him. I…I killed Leon.

[Ride Comes in.]

MALLORY

So, was it as fun the second time?

NICA

Every bit.

DIMITRI

One more go, please, Mallory. We’re not done.

 

LEGION: NOW IN RED LINE, PART 3

[Legion theme.]

MULTIPLE VOICES

We are.

VOICE 1

We are…

VOICE 2

Watching Matt Damon and Ben Afleck notice the electric fencing that now surrounds all open-air stations, as part of Red Line’s ongoing efforts to secure our turnstiles.

BEN

That seems a little…much.

VOICE 3

We are…

VOICE 1

Watching Red Line’s cutting edge security cheese-bots request to see Matt Damon and Ben Afleck’s official Charlie Permits, now required of all commuters, as evidence that they have passed rigorous screening tests that weed out criminals, druggies, and subversives.

BEN

Hey, come on guys, you know me. I’m Ben Affleck. And he’s Matt Damon.

[Matt Damon smiles.]

BEN

There you go! Just listen to that smile! It’s all good!

VOICE 3

Sorry boys. Looks like you forgot to apply for your Charlie Permits.

VOICE 1

We are…

VOICE 2

Watching Matt Damon and Ben Afleck get dragged away in handcuffs.

BEN

What? No! No, you can’t arrest me! I’M FRIENDS WITH MATT DAMON!!

[Matt Damon frowns.]

BEN

YOU MADE MATT DAMON FROWN! YOU MONSTERS!!

VOICE 3

Sorry boys, it looks like you forgot to apply for your Charlie Permits!

VOICES

We are…

VOICES

We are…

VOICES

We are…

VOICES

Legion.

ANNOUNCER

Submit your application for a pre-screening to qualify for Red Line residency today!

 

NICA AT WONDERLAND – THIRD RIDE

[The ride resumes.]

LEON

As the ride lifted them once again toward the cheesy peak, Nica sat silently. She’d said the thing she needed to say. Her confession. Her first crime.

No. No, that’s not how it was. Read the letter. It’s right there beside you in Dimitri’s pocket. It wasn’t your fault.

DIMITRI

Nica, of course you didn’t kill Leon.

NICA

It was my idea. For once in my life I could be there for him, like he’d always been there for me. So I…I acted. But I was the one who needed that. Not him. I made him get on that roller coaster.

DIMITRI

No, you didn’t. Nobody ever made Leon do anything. He made sacrifices for the people he cared about. Especially us. But he chose his sacrifices. Being there for us made him happy. You didn’t manipulate him or bully him into it. You couldn’t have if you wanted to. Not our Leon.

NICA

That was when it happened the first time. Leon died, and they put me on TV. Just like I wanted! I wished for it, and it happened! My wish killed Leon.

DIMITRI

That’s not how wishes work. This isn’t some fable where everybody is punished with irony just for wanting things. Nobody found a magic fish or a monkey’s paw, there’s no sausage stuck to the end of your nose. You’re seeing a pattern that isn’t there. Trust me, I know all about inventing magical mysteries where there aren’t any. This wasn’t your fault.

NICA

I…I don’t know. I don’t know.

DIMITRI

Well, I do. And I’m going to keep telling you. It’s not your fault. As many times as you need to hear it.

NICA
Do you think it would have been different…if you’d gotten on that plane in Portland? You could have stopped me.

DIMITRI
Have you met me? I’d have I’d have been right there with you egging him onto the ride. The only thing different is that he would have died sitting between us.

LEON

Read the letter. Nica, please. Read it. It explains everything.

NICA

The letter…

DIMITRI

What?

NICA

From Leon. We still need to read his letter.

DIMITRI

You’re sure?

NICA

Yes.

DIMITRI

Okay.

[Letter is opened and unfolded.]

DIMITRI (fading into Leon)

Dear Dimitri and Nica,

It is a strange thing to compose a letter when one is dead…

[Montage of snippets from the letter.]

LEON

Nica and Dimitri, my beloved siblings — this message needs to find you, you need to find each other. You need to find Michael. And you need to find me. And you need to release me from this crystal ball and let me find peace.

With love and expediency,

Leon

[The ride is on the down slope.]

DIMITRI

It’s his handwriting.

NICA

I know.

DIMITRI

It sounds exactly like him.

DIMITRI

See Nica? You didn’t kill him. He chose to die. And he’s not even dead! Not…not completely.

NICA

He sounds miserable. Like he’s in hell! He *says* he’s in hell!

DIMITRI

He says we can help him. I’m going to…okay, I know you’re going to think this is stupid. But I have to look.

NICA

At what?

DIMITRI

Leon’s puzzle box.

NICA

Oh Dimitri, fine. Fine. Let’s look.

[Opens box.]

LEON

Dimitri opened the final puzzle box, the one I’d spent months trying to solve. Inside was another simple object, a single translucent sphere.

DIMITRI

It’s a marble. It’s a glass ball.

NICA

Fuck.

DIMITRI

My submarine. Leon’s crystal ball. The only one that didn’t mean anything is yours.

NICA

Goddammit. Yes. Yes it does. That’s where I screwed up. That’s where I fucking buried myself in debt to the universe. And…and to Mallory. But now what? Where do we even start?

DIMITRI

He says to find Michael. We talk to Michael.

[The ride pulls in.]

MALLORY

How ‘bout it folks? Third time do the job?

NICA

I think it did. Thank you, Mallory.

MALLORY

My fuckin’ pleasure. You and me still have some shit to stir, though, don’t we? At some future date, TBFD.

NICA

I know.

DIMITRI

Oh, there’s one more thing. This guy Tyrell said to tell you “thanks.”

NICA

Thanks for what? I don’t know who that is.

DIMITRI

He gave me the letter, and said you saved his life.

NICA

Great. Well, you’re welcome to Tyrell, I guess.

[Pause.]

Hey, Dimitri? You remember how I used to work at Singer Sew ’n’ Vac?

DIMITRI

Yeah?

NICA

Well…I was really good at fixing machines. Like…really good.

DIMITRI

I know. I watched you sometimes, when you brought one home. I loved it. You always knew exactly what you were doing.

[This is Where I Wanna Be fades in. Carnival music begins fading out.]

NICA

Okay. I just…needed you to know. That’s all.

DIMITRI

That’s not all you were good at, though. You used to tell stories. You’d make up the wildest things. Adventures, and monsters, and quests…I knew what I wanted to be because you showed it to me in the first place. You made it real.

[Pause]

NICA

You were my best friend too.

DIMITRI

Past tense?

NICA

We’ll work on it. We can get back there.

DIMITRI

Okay.

 

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

[This is Where I Wanna Be continues playing, eventually bridging into the next scene.]

 

A NEW ARRANGEMENT

[Phone ringing]

[Phone beep. Music abruptly cuts out.]

LAWYER — Rick Zieff

Hello, Mr. West.

OLIVER WEST — Mike Linden

I assume you and the Bespin’s are ready to make a deal for Wonderland by now?

LAWYER

Awfully presumptuous of you, Mr. West. But it’s funny you mention that. A member of upper management would like to speak to you about a…new arrangement.

OLIVER

Your Mr. Manager, I assume?

LAWYER

It’s Manager. And no, this is someone…much more…well, they’re — upper management. He’ll meet you at our new headquarters. Downtown Crossing. Top floor.

[Red Line.]

LEON

Oliver rode Red Line to the station, noting how the car he was in was being retrofitted with luxury accommodations. Everything inside was…white. Built in bookshelves framed the doors. The appliances were mid-century modern in the style of Smeg. At one end they were — good lord, was that a fireplace? That couldn’t be good.

[Whoosh of sliding doors. A smooth, quiet elevator ride.]

As he rode up the glass elevator at Downtown Crossing station, he asked himself two questions. 1 – how did they build this tower so quickly? And 2 – why was he so nervous?

[ Whoosh of sliding doors. Trepidatious footsteps on carpet in a silent environment.]

The massive doors ahead of him were rich dark wood. Mahogany. A single letter was adorned on the front of them in gold. “N.”

OLIVER

N? What could that possibly stand for—-

NARRATOR

Come in, Mr. West.

LEON

You? You — you’re…?

[The door opens. Pleasant sound of birds chirping.]

NARRATOR

Please. Have a seat.

OLIVER

Thank you. I — this office is spectacular. Uhh. Why — why does your voice sound so familiar?

[Creaking of Narrator’s office chair.]

NARRATOR

You know why, Mr. West.

OLIVER

I — don’t, I assure you.

NARRATOR

You know what’s interesting? People always assume our little association here is about money. That’s all they talk about. Our worth. Our stock value. Our investment portfolio. But far more important than our worth in money is our worth in something far more valuable. Information. That’s what Red Line promises us, after all. Typically, we use more sophisticated methods to learn about our customers. But in Red Line, there’s a quaint little built in system to hear everything we need to know. Each car is outfitted with a two way radio. Everyone knows it works one way. The train operators, representatives of government? They can all deliver messages. But most people don’t realize that information goes in and information comes out. If they need something in their home? Instant advertisements! Or a Legion representative at their door! Some might call it exploitive, an invasion of privacy. But as a mutual lover of information, you and I both know that’s ridiculous. It’s symbiotic. Need. Supply. Everyone profits, wouldn’t you agree?

OLIVER

You — you’re spying on them?

NARRATOR

Spying? Were you spying on your employees at Third Sight? Were you using Leon Stamatis to spy on your enemies throughout Boston with that wonderful little crystal ball?

OLIVER

Well. Yes. Yes, I believe I was.

NARRATOR

Spying. An ugly word. Try this on for size: learning. You were learning, Mr. West. And that’s what we do, what we all do. I’ve learned so much from you, for instance.

OLIVER

Your voice — I swear I’ve heard it before —

NARRATOR

Of course you have. And do you know why? You’ve heard it, deep inside you. In some tucked away part of your brain. I’m that little voice in your head. Telling you what to do. Telling you how to do it. And learning from your every choice. I know what you’re going to do before you even do it. Which is why I’m going to offer you a contract. A revised contract. In writing. Wonderland for a song. A replacement criminal for your nephew. His freedom. And a seat back at our table for you.

OLIVER

And my family? [Drops affectation.] Will they — will they be — Will they know…that I?

NARRATOR

Oh, we can delay them hearing about the bad news of your untimely demise. For now, at least. It’s fascinating you care so much about that given how little you’ve even bothered to talk to them.

OLIVER

I — [Clears throat. Resume affectation.] I always thought I would—

NARRATOR

[Darkly] Bring them to Red Line? Once it was yours? Show them your city, once it was under your control? Of course you did. And of course I knew that. But it’s never going to be yours, Mr. West. It’s ours. Like every single thought in your head, it all belongs to us. Now. [Abruptly professional.] Sign on the dotted line. And do remember. This contract…is binding. If you fail to deliver on your promises? We’ll fail to deliver ours. And without our promises, failure is all you’ll be, Mr. West.

LEON

Oliver picked up the pen. And he — he — UHHHAAA!

[Electricity / glass breaking / cheese robot murmuring with montage of Leon narration quietly running underneath]

NARRATOR

And how are you fairing, Mr. Stamatis? Oh, you thought this would be so easy, didn’t you? Now look at you. Do you know what they call a strong sense of order turned inside out by chaos? A black hole.

LOYALTY

[Shouts, yelling, general calamity]

T DRIVER 1 — James Hartley

You got a lotta nerve, Bespin!

T DRIVER 2 — Colin Kelly

No warning?

RUSTY — Jim Johanson

Just replaced, just like that? You better prepare yourself for a lawsuit.  

T DRIVER 1

How could you do this to us? We endorsed you for god’s sake!

EMILY BESPIN — Sam Musher

I understand how you all feel. I do. I really do. But I simply don’t care. I was presented with an opportunity to make the trains more efficient. And I seized it. That’s what leaders do. But fear not! We still have a need here in Red Line. For each and every one of you. With so many of Powell’s filthy trash being thrown into the Wonder-dumpster, there’s a huge demand for employment here in Red Line, and these are the types of jobs that you’re all suited for, in that they require so few skills. You know, coffee pot pourers and food couriers and the like.

RUSTY

You know what ma’am? There’s honor in that work. There’s honor in every kind of job there is. Work is work, doesn’t matter what kind. There’s honor in pretty much every type of job that exists. Except yours. Because you don’t work. You just talk. And you can’t even get that right, because when you open your big mouth, only thing that comes out is —

EMILY

WHY are you still talking? Why haven’t you been tossed into the empty nothingness where you belong? Toss him out. Toss him hard. He can join the unemployed lot in Wonderland for all I care.

[Sound of RUSTY getting dragged away]

EMILY

Now let me be clear. We have work for you. If you fall in line, know your place, and behave. The pay is minimum wage and —

[Grousing]

EMILY

ENOUGH. And the hours are long. And if you act now, you can rent some space at Shawmut station, and a few other select trains and stations, at a discounted rate.

T DRIVER 2

So…no more housing?

EMILY

Linzer-Coolidge carried your free-loading behinds long enough as it is. You should have saved considerably in preparation for being obsolete. And if you haven’t? That’s your problem. Here are your revised contracts.  You can sign them or shred them. Red Line will thrive either way. The question is, will you?

[Pause. Some people walk, tossing contracts to the ground. Few others stay and eventually sign. Lots of defeated sighs]

EMILY

More of you loyal than I would have expected. That’s good. That’s very good.

NICA (approaching, breathlessly)

I’m so sorry I’m late, Emily.

EMILY

It’s quite alright, Nica.

NICA

It — is?

EMILY

Of course. You deserve a little time to yourself. You’ve been working so hard. Haven’t you?

NICA

Uhh. Yes. I have.

 

EMILY

I got you a little something. Come with me.

[Footsteps. A heavy door opens.]

NICA

Uhh — into that supply closet?

EMILY

Your surprise is inside.

NICA

Okay…

[Supply closet closes. A mop is picked up.]

NICA

Uhh…you got me a mop?

EMILY

Is that what that is? I thought it was some kind of abstract art.

NICA

Umm.

EMILY

I just have one question for you. How do you suppose those horrid Wonder-bandits knew about the location of my lovey funny bunny Ethan’s top secret lab?

NICA

They —they must have —

EMILY

Only three people knew about it. Myself. Ethan. And Oliver.

NICA

Maybe Oliver, then? You know he’s been pushing back lately.

EMILY

Yes, that’s true, he is a human skin blemish requiring a great cleanse. Of course…you knew about the lab too.

NICA

I — I did?

[Hard knock]

NICA

What’s that?

EMILY

Your surprise.

[Supply closet opens]

PHIL

Hey, Nica.

NICA

Phil! You’re — you’re in the RLPD?

PHIL

Yeah. New job, as part of my pardon. Oh, and you’re under arrest.

NICA

What?

PHIL

You have the right not to talk and all that jazz.

NICA

Emily, I —

EMILY

Am a traitor? A filthy, mutinous little TRAITOR! I — I told you things, Nica. I trusted you. I CONFIDED in you. I — I told you about…I — I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!

NICA

Emily, listen to me. This is all —

EMILY

Take her away.

NICA

NO!

[Nica gets dragged away, fighting the whole time. Mop falls to the ground. Phil struggles to contain her. Supply closet shuts.]

[Emily takes a deep breath. She begins to quietly sob].

 

LAST STOP

[Train noise. Electricity. Overlapping Leon montage — mostly about timelines, punctuality, order, etc].

CHEESE ROBOT — Brandy Danner

Next stop. Quincy Adams.

[Train stops. Doors open. Hold. Doors close].

CHEESE ROBOT

BRAINTREE LINE. BRAINTREE.

[Train picks back up. Bits of Leon narration bubble up. Different pieces aside from the order and punctuality ones. And then…one stands out as clearer.]

LEON

I just could not do it. I took one look from atop that rickety wave of track, that dizzying array of speed and surprise, and embraced the greatest certainty I could muster.

[The T tracks merge with the sound of a roller coaster]

Nope.

[Sound of T intensifying. Roller coaster sound builds with it.]

CHEESE ROBOT

NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE — NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….!

[Electricity / glass breaking noise].

CHEESE ROBOT

BRAINTREE. LAST STOP. THANK YOU FOR RIDING IN R–

[Popping glass.]

[Electricity cuts straight to music.]

 

CREDITS

[This is Where I Wanna Be plays]

JEFF

Greater Boston is written and produced by alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical…

[A clatter outside the booth. Knocking.]

JEFF

Hey, come on, I’m trying to record the credits.

NARRATOR

That won’t be necessary.

JEFF

You! You’re back!

NARRATOR

I am. And I’ll be resuming my oversight of the closing formalities. I do appreciate your keeping the seat warm in my absence.

JEFF

So I should just…

NARRATOR

Yes, yes, I’m all set here. You should go.

JEFF [muttering]

Okay, you don’t have to be rude about it. I mean, where have you been this whole time?

[Jeff exits.]

NARRATOR

Hah, let’s see. Here we go.

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This season is dedicated to Caitlin Van Dreason and Brandy Danner, the two women who have to put with all of Jeff and Alexander’s nonsense while they make this ridiculous thing.

Thank you to Patreon supporters Jon Grilz, Amanda Robinson, Derek J. May, and Rasmus! We’ve reserved fine luxury car-condos for each of you in the newly revitalized city of Red Line! And thank you to everyone who has supported Greater Boston, through Patreon, through sharing the show on Twitter on Tumblr, by joining the fan discord to share your reactions to each episode! We are grateful for all of it!

This episode featured:

  • Kelly McCabe as Nica Stamatis (she/her)
  • James Johnston as Dimitri Stamatis (he/him)
  • Johanna Bodnyk as Mallory (she/her)
  • Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis (he/him)
  • Jeff Van Dreason as Chuck Octagon (he/him)
  • Kristin DiMercurio as Nichole Fonzerelli (she/her)
  • Julia Propp as Louisa Alvarez (she/her)
  • James Oliva as Michael Tate (he/him)
  • Rick Zieff as Lawyer (he/him)
  • Mike Linden as Oliver West (he/him)
  • Jim Johanson as Rusty (he/him)
  • Sam Musher as Emily Bespin (she/her)
  • Michael Melia as Philip West (he/him)

With special appearance by Briggon Snow as Ben Afleck (he/him).

Also featuring:

  • David Rheinstrom
  • Phoebe Joy
  • Jordan Cobb
  • Cole Burkhardt
  • Fox Cooper
  • Tina Daniels
  • Christopher Dole
  • Todd Faulkner
  • Jack Pevyhouse
  • Alma Roda-Gil
  • Zane Sexton
  • and Alex Welch

as Legion.

With additional voices by James Hartley, Colin Kelly, and Brandy Danner.

Interviews with real Greater Boston residents.

Oh…and I’m back. Hello!

 

Charlie on the MTA and Tosa Waltz by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede

Broke Yeti by Ryan Estrada

Drums by Jim Johanson

This is Where I Wanna Be by Must Be Tuesday. You can find more of their music by following them on Twitter @mustbetuesday.

Extra special thanks to Karl Christian Krumpholtz, the artist who conceived the Nacho Flume when he created the three amazing prints we released at the beginning of the season.

Episode transcripts are available online at GreaterBostonShow.com.

And that is it for season 3! Jeff and Alexander will be taking a little time off, but they’ll be back with monthly mini-episodes while they work on writing writing the next season. I’ll be keeping an eye on them, make sure they stay on task. It’s what I do. Good bye for now, and I’ll see you back in Greater Boston in Season 4.

[Music fades out.]

 

COOKIE

ALEXANDER

Nica at Wonderland, Second Ride, with Johanna and Kelly. Whoops, and engines. Most of this recording is gonna be the truck.

JEFF

Yup.

[Kelly yawns.]

JEFF

I guess, Kelly, start with “I killed Leon.”

KELLY
Oh! Oh my! Okay. Um.

[Everyone cracks up laughing.]

KELLY

Sorry! I’m so sorry!

JEFF
That’s such a weird line to just be like…hey!

KELLY
I was trying to like work myself into it.

ALEXANDER
I killed Leon!!

JOHANNA

Shitty!

KELLY
Alright. I killed Leon.

[Jeff tries to stifle laughter. Fails. Kelly cracks up.]

KELLY
I killed him and I killed him and I killed him!

JEFF
I tried so hard! You did it so well, and I was just like “ptptptpthh.” What kind of monster am I?

KELLY

Alright. I…I killed Leon.

JOHANNA
So. Was it as fun the second time?

KELLY
Every bit.

JEFF

Killin’ him, even better the third time!

KELLY

Oooooohh.

JEFF
Second time’s the charm.

KELLY

If I hadn’t been here…airplanes couldn’t have killed him.

JEFF
I sent in a squadron after him.

JAMES JOHNSTON

Two airplanes cornered him in an alleyway.

KELLY
Those assholes!

JAMES

And beat the crap out of him.

JEFF

It’s those planes from Cars. The Cars franchise spinoff. They killed him!

ALEXANDER
And here I was thinking Starscream…

KELLY
Are the planes bad in the Cars movie?

JAMES

It’s Planes! From Cars Fire and Rescue! But no rescue’s coming!

JEFF

Wonderful! I mean, not really…

[laughter.]

KELLY

Well, I’m glad you enjoyed that.

ALEXANDER
It felt wrong to keep it evil all the way through, but I, I got stuck there.

JEFF
That’s okay.

MIKE LINDEN
That’s how it starts!

JEFF
It got stuck on “evil!”

MIKE

It’s a funny story, officer…

 

CONTENT NOTES

  • Strong language
  • Feelings of abandonment
  • Abusive classism
  • Mass layoffs
  • Imprisonment
  • Metfictional evil
  • Sudden loud noises
  • Cliffhanger ending BUM BUM BUM