Transcript for Mini Episode: Passes for the Classes

PASSES FOR THE CLASSES

[Charlie on the MTA]

MULTIPLE VOICES
This is

This is

This is

Greater Boston

[Upbeat Corporate Muzak]

CHEERFULLY POSH BRITISH VOICE (VICKI) — Tanja Milojevic

Hello, and welcome to Red Line! I’m your Vocally Interactive Concierge Kiosk Innovation, but you can call me Vicki! I’d like to show you the new beauty of Red Line as brought to you by The Face of Red Line herself, Mayor Emily Bespin! As you’ll see, the Red Line of today is very different from the one you may remember. Gone are the frustrated masses of hurried commuters, the horrid cacophony of station buskers, the stench of transit workers.

Today’s Red Line is an elite, upscale destination, where commuters of merit ride in style and arrive on time. How did we achieve this remarkable feat? Through our revolutionary inverted sliding scale pricing structure. I’m not just a fully automated ticketing machine–I’m also an impartial arbiter of every commuter’s social and fiscal value!

Each time you purchase Commuter Cash, I will evaluate your potential for subversive or antisocial behavior through careful analysis of your credit rating and financial history, then assign you a level in our tiered pass structure based on the degree of risk you present. By requiring higher risk commuters to pay higher fees, we ensure that only those people who will respect the privilege of access will join us in Red Line. We call our system “Passes for the Classes.” It’s not just a clever rhyme–it’s the law!

[Transition from ad to station environment. Train, crowds, calm muzak.]

MELISSA WEATHERBY — Tanja Milojevic
God I wish I didn’t have to listen to that every single time I come through here.

VICKI 1

Please insert your credit card to begin your personal value evaluation.

[A card is inserted and sucked into the machine.]

MELISSA
That’s redundant. What jerk wrote this?

VICKI 1

Thank you…

A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT VOICE
Melissa Weatherby

VICKI 1
…how may I help you today?

MELISSA
I need to add funds to my Prole Pass.

VICKI 1
I would be happy to add funds to your Prole Pass. How much would you like to add?

MELISSA
Twenty-five dollars.

[Error chime]

VICKI 1
I’m sorry.

DIFFERENT VOICE

Twenty-five

VICKI 1

…dollars is below the minimum threshold for this type of transaction. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

[Footsteps as Wanda approaches.]

WANDA MCINTOSH — Tanja Milojevic
The fuck’s all this? What happened to the Charlie machines?

MELISSA
Fifty dollars, Vicki. [To Wanda.] They put in this new system. 

[Error chime]

VICKI 1

I’m sorry.

DIFFERENT VOICE

Fifty

VICKI 1

…dollars is below the minimum threshold for this type of transaction. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

VICKI 2

Red Line’s automated ticketing kiosks have been upgraded! I will be happy to help you! Please insert your credit card to begin.

MELISSA
The whole thing is a mess. Just completely awful. 

[Error chime]

VICKI 2
That is an unpopular opinion!

MELISSA

Seventy-five dollars.

WANDA
You sayin’ Charlie’s gone? That’s a shame. I liked Charlie. He seemed like a good guy.

[Error chime]

VICKI 1

I’m sorry. 

DIFFERENT VOICE

Seventy-five

VICKI 1

dollars is below the minimum threshold for this type of transaction. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

VICKI 2
Fun Fact: The name “Charles” means “a common man?” Here in Red Line, we are anything but common! Please insert your credit card to begin.

[Wanda inserts card]

MELISSA

Whatever. Put a hundred dollars on my pass, VICKI. 

VICKI

…your line of credit has qualified you for Prole-level service. How may I help you today?

[Another commuter enters to use the kiosk to Melissa’s right and inserts card.]

WANDA
I just wanna get my  monthly Charlie pass.

YELENA SERGEIVICH — Tanja Milojevic

This Red Line, this is joke!

MELISSA

Christ, I’m going to be late for my meeting with Mayor Siddiqui.

YELENA

Look at this! Nobody clean!

MELISSA

[groans]

YELENA

All dirty!

VICKI 1
Fun Fact: Cambridge Mayor

DIFFERENT VOICE

Sambul Siddiqui

VICKI 1

wishes she could be just like Red Line’s Mayor Emily Bespin in every way! It’s true!

YELENA

Everything Dirty! Dirty…no people, dirty still! What? Pigeons shit all over this place? Disgusting! Euch!

VICKI 3

Thank you…

DIFFERENT VOICE
Yelena Sergeivitch

VICKI 3
…how may I help you today?

YELENA
[Scoffs] You can eat poison and die, lousy machine.

MELISSA
I said one hundred dollars, VICKI!

[Error chime]

VICKI 2
I’m sorry, Charlie passes are no longer one of our offerings. Would you like to sign up for a Prole Pass?

[Error chime]

VICKI 3

I’m sorry,

DIFFERENT VOICE

“eat poison and die”

VICKI 3

…is not one of our offerings. How may I help you today?

[Error chime]

VICKI 1

I’m sorry,

DIFFERENT VOICE

one hundred

VICKI 1

…dollars is below the minimum threshold for this transaction. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

WANDA

What the hell’s a prole?

YELENA
Is proletariat! Working class! All us people at bottom of empty well, with none of the money and all of the troubles!

[Error chime]

VICKI 3

That is an unpopular opinion!

[Yelena spits at machine.]

YELENA
*You* unpopular opinion! You should jump in river with snakes in your pockets and see which kills you first!

[Error chime]

VICKI 3

I’m sorry,

DIFFERENT VOICE

“jump in the river with snakes in my pockets and see which kills me first”

VICKI 3

…is not one of our offerings. How may I help you today?

WANDA
Proletariat, huh? Funny word, but that’s me alright. Ass-broke with all the fuckin’ troubles.

VICKI 2

Excellent, I would be happy to sign you up for a Prole Pass.

DIFFERENT VOICE

500

VICKI 2

…dollars in Commuter Cash will be added to your new Prole Pass.

WANDA
Five hundred dollars! I can’t afford that!

YELENA
You should climb high mountain until you find big mountain goat. Then, stand by edge of cliff and throw little rocks at goat until he is very angry. Then learn what happens.

MELISSA
How about you just tell me what the minimum threshold is?

[Error chime]

VICKI 3

I’m sorry,

DIFFERENT VOICE

“climb high mountain until I find big mountain goat, then stand by edge of cliff and throw little rocks at goat until he is very angry then learn what happens”

VICKI 3

…is not one of our offerings.

YELENA

[Laughs menacingly. You will learn!

VICKI 3

How may I help you today?

YELENA

Once and for all!

VICKI 2

With the additional five hundred dollar new card fee, this brings your total for today to

DIFFERENT VOICE

one thousand

VICKI 2

dollars.

VICKI 1
Commuter cash may be added to your Prole Pass in increments of

DIFFERENT VOICE

250

VICKI 1

…dollars

DIFFERENT VOICE

500

VICKI 1

…dollars

DIFFERENT VOICE

1,000

VICKI 1

…dollars, or

DIFFERENT VOICE

10,000.

VICKI 1

…dollars. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

WANDA

Christ, fuck no, I ain’t paying you a thousand fucking dollars!

MELISSA

Those are terrible options!

[Error chime]

VICKI 1

I’m sorry,

DIFFERENT VOICE

“a thousand fucking”

VICKI 1

…dollars is not a recognized quantity. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

MELISSA

You’re listening to the wrong person! Cancel transaction!

[Error chime]

VICKI 1 & 2 SLIGHTLY OUT OF SYNC

I’m sorry, once this transaction has been initiated, it cannot be cancelled.

WANDA

What!

VICKI 2

Thank you…

THE AUTOMATED VOICE
Wanda McIntosh

VICKI 2

…your transaction is complete. Please take your credit card and Prole Pass.

WANDA

I…I ain’t gonna be able to pay my rent now.

YELENA

We should flip ticket machine like car after baseball game.

WANDA

Yeah. Yeah! We should do that!

MELISSA
What? No! No you shouldn’t!

[They both move toward the central machine–Melissa’s.]

WANDA

You get that side…

YELENA
Da, da.

MELISSA

Ladies, please don’t do this.

WANDA
Okay.

MELISSA

I’m meeting with a mayor in an official capacity!

YELENA

From back corner, yes?

MELISSA

I can’t be in the middle of a riot!

WANDA
That’ll do the job.

[They are rocking the machine.]

MELISSA

This is not helping the situation!

WANDA

Hey, lady, you should stand back. This shit’s heavy.

YELENA

You would not like to be crushed under tool of oppressor.

MELISSA

Okay, standing back.

[The machine crashes to the ground.]

YELENA

Ohhhh!

WANDA

Fuckin’ A!

MELISSA
Oh boy.

YELENA
Machine, cancel transaction and give back card.

VICKI 3

Transaction cancelled.

[It ejects Yelena’s card.]

WANDA
Hey, we’d better cheese it.

YELENA

Yes, let us run now.

[They run.]

MELISSA (defeated)

We’re supposed to discuss converting decommissioned bumper cars into self-driving Cambridge to Wonderland taxis.

VICKI 1 (Voice distorted by damage and facing directly down into the concrete)

Excellent! I will be happy to add

DIFFERENT VOICE

10,000

VICKI 1

…dollars in Commuter Cash to your Prole Pass.

MELISSA
WHAT???

VICKI 1

Thank you…

DIFFERENT VOICE
Melissa Weatherby

VICKI 1

…your transaction is complete. Please take your credit card and Prole Pass.

[The machine grinds as it attempts to eject the cards, but it is face down on the ground.]

MELISSA
I can’t.

[Environment fades into corporate muzak.]

CREDITS

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This episodes features:

  • Tanja Milojevic as the Vocally Interactive Commuter Kiosk Innovation (VICKI)
  • Tanja Milojevic as Melissa Weatherby (she/her)
  • Tanja Milojevic as Wand McIntosh (she/her)
  • and Tanja Milojevic as Yelena Sergeivich (she/her)

Charlie on the MTA is recorded by Emily Peteron and Dirk Tiede

[Music fades]

COOKIE

YELENA

[Menacing laughter.] Da, da. People like me, we make no money, but we clean! We know how to garden, we know how to dig! And dig, and dig and…what, these rich people, they don’t know shit! Don’t know shit. Is proletariat. Working class. All us people at bottom of when the empty well…with no cows…and all of the money and all of the trouble. No cows in well. Not fit. They do not fit.

Content Warnings

  • Strong Language
  • Financial insecurity
  • Classism
  • Uncooperative computers
  • Vandalism

Transcript for Mini Episode: Assistant 3

INTRO

[Charlie on the MTA plays.]

VOICES

This is…

This is…

This is…

Greater Boston

[Music fades.]

[A baseball game plays on the radio in the background.]

[Phone rings]

BRUCE

Hello? Yeah, this is Bruce Bosley. Uh huh. Yeah, we’ve got an appointment now, don’t we? Right. Well, why don’t you tell me where you are, and maybe I can… No, I realize you don’t know exactly where you are. Let’s try this–tell me what you see around you. Parking garage. Okay, that’s a good sign. What else? Okay, yeah, I know where you are. Turn left and go up the ramp. There should be an elevator right there. No, not a utility closet, an elevator. You went the wrong way.

[The radio clicks off]

Turn around, go back the exact opposite direction. You see the ramp? Good. Now, how about the elevator? There you go! Go up to the fourth floor, my office is right there, you can’t miss it. No, seriously, you can’t miss it. I’m telling you, there’s nowhere else to go. Fine, I’ll stay on the line with you. As soon as the elevator opens, you’ll see my door. In fact, if I come open the door right now…

[Bruce stands and crosses the room.]

BRUCE

I’ll probably find you standing…

[He opens the door on Vincenzo]

VINCENZO

Whoah!

BRUCE

…right there.

VINCENZO

That was pretty cool!

[A tiny echo of Bruce’s voice is heard through Vincenzo’s phone.]

BRUCE
Can we hang up the phones now? I’m pretty sure you can find your way from here to the chair across the room.

VINCENZO

Yeah, thanks.

[Hangs up phone.]

It’s just, any time someone says “you can’t miss it” I kinda panic a little, because I know that I *can* miss it, and if you tell me that I *can’t* miss it, that pretty much guarantees that I *will* miss it. You know? That’s like…every time.

BRUCE

Why don’t we sit down and talk about the position you’re applying for?

VINCENZO

Sure!

[They take seats.]

BRUCE

So. Vincenzo, right?

VINCENZO

That’s me!

BRUCE

And you’re interested in coming to work for the Red Line Yard Goats as my personal assistant?

VINCENZO

Well, sure.

BRUCE
You a baseball fan?

VINCENZO

Definitely!

BRUCE
Who’s your team?

VINCENZO
Oh, I’m all for the Reds.

BRUCE

The Red Sox, sure.

VINCENZO

Naw, not the Red Sox–the Reds! Cincinnati!

BRUCE
Ohio! Alright. Why the Reds over the Indians?

VINCENZO
Well, I always went to games with my mom. She loves baseball more than almost anything. But she told me how the Indians have got this racist cartoon thing for a mascot, and she always told me how “we don’t support app…appro…

BRUCE

Appropriation?

VINCENZO

That’s it! “We don’t support appropriationative racist caricature in this house.”

BRUCE
Alright, I respect that.

VINCENZO

Oh! You don’t have anything like that with this team, do you? Where like the name sounds cute, but then you see it and it’s actually like…”whoah! Racist!”

BRUCE

Are you asking me if “Yard Goat” is a racial slur?

VINCENZO

I mean…it could be? You never know.

BRUCE
Our mascot is a goat. Just…a literal goat. Eating a baseball bat.

VINCENZO

Oh, okay. Cool. 

BRUCE

Now, you worked in the mayor’s office as an assistant for Charlotte Linzer Coolidge for…this says two months?

VINCENZO

Yeah, it was kind of a temp thing. She was already on her way out when I got hired. Her assistant before me went to work for the other nice lady running for mayor after Ms. Linzer-Coolidge dropped out of the race. I was just there kinda to shut things down.

BRUCE
That’s fair. Can’t hold that against you. What kinds of responsibilities did you have in that position?

VINCENZO

Well, you know. Like, filing, and answering the phone, and making calendars. That kind of thing.

BRUCE

What do you feel you accomplished in that position? If you had to pick one thing, what was your biggest achievement?

VINCENZO

Uh…well, I found my dad!

BRUCE
Okay. Sure. That sounds…well, I guess I should say congratulations…

VINCENZO
Thanks!

BRUCE

…but that’s not exactly work-related.

VINCENZO

Naw, I guess not.

BRUCE

And it sounds like you were probably making use of work resources for personal purposes.

VINCENZO

Yeah, that part worked out real well.

BRUCE
Right. So…I already called your references. I spoke to Ms. Linzer-Coolidge.

VINCENZO
Cool, how’s she doing? Must be weird living out in that amusement park. I guess maybe not as weird as living on a train. She’s sure lived some weird places, huh? I don’t think the rides are even working anymore, but I guess maybe they could fix them up. Free corndogs though!

BRUCE
Yeah. I didn’t really ask about any of that. But she seemed fine. We talked more about you.

VINCENZO

Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.

BRUCE

And when I asked her how you were as a worker, she told me–and I’m quoting here–”Vincenzo…” She paused for a bit there, to think about it. “Vincenzo…always tries his best.”

VINCENZO
Well, that’s true! I absolutely do. I always try my best.

BRUCE
That’s…that’s good. But…Vincenzo, are you familiar with the idiom “damning with faint praise?”

VINCENZO

Naww.

BRUCE
Okay. I’m gonna encourage you to look that up when you get home. It, uh…it’ll probably be relevant to a lot of situations for you, I think.

VINCENZO

Oh. Okay. Hang on, I’d better write that down.

[Takes out pen and paper.]

What was that again?

BRUCE
Damning…

VINCENZO
Damning…

BRUCE

…with faint praise.

VINCENZO

…with faint… is that “faint” like passing out, or “feint” like faking someone out with a sword? 

BRUCE

Uh…the first one, I think. That’s not really a question I expected.

VINCENZO

“Faint praise.” Okay, got it. I’ll google that as soon as I’m home.

BRUCE
Good. Good. Now, Vincenzo, I’m gonna be honest with you. I don’t think this position here with The Yard Goats is gonna work out.

VINCENZO

Awww….

BRUCE

But…you know Pizza Ghost is hiring, right? I think that might be a…better fit for you. I’ve even got a buddy managing the new franchise going in at South Station. I can make a call for you, if you’d like.

VINCENZO

Sure! Thank you.

BRUCE
Okay. I’ll do that. Thanks again for coming in today.

[Vincenzo exits awkwardly.]

Oof. Nice kid, though. Let’s see, who’s next? Lily…of the Small Urban Community Garden? Yeesh. This is gonna be a looong day.

[Charlie on the MTA plays.]

CREDITS

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

You can support us on Patreon at http://www.Patreon.com/greaterboston.

Cast

This episode featured:

  • Kenny Garcia as Bruce Bosley (he/him)
  • and Chad Ellis as Vincenzo Wellington (he/him)

Music

Charlie on the MTA is recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede.

Contact

Find us online at GreaterBostonShow.com.

Follow us on Twitter @InGreater Boston.

Content notes:

  • Damning with faint praise
  • Brief reference to racist caricature.

COOKIE

CHAD

…do not trust myself to get it right the first time. So! Elevator…

[mic bump and clatter of objects falling.]

There goes my water. Okay.

A production of ThirdSight Media LLC.

Transcript for Mini Episode: You’ve Gotta Be Sittin’ Me 2

EMILY PETERSON
Alright. One, two, th–

[Demo version of Charlie on the MTA plays]

 

VOICE 1
This is…

VOICE 2

This is…

VOICE 3
This is…

VOICE 4
Greater Boston. 

[Phone ringing. Blip/beep]

LOUISA ALVAREZ [Voice message] – Julia Propp

Hi, this is Louisa Alvarez. I’m not available at the moment but will return your calls within 24 hours.

[Longer beep]

GEMMA LINZER-COOLIDGELydia Anderson [Phone filter]

Hey. It’s me. Your old pal. Gemma. Gem-dawg. G to the emma. Are you like screening your calls or something? You know I went to fight the good fight against capitalism and fascism and robots and capitalist-fascist-robots, right? This phone call could be an emergency, or the last time you’ve ever heard from me! What, you afraid I’m gonna ask you to break the law again? That was only when we were cops! Now that I’m an actual law breaker there’s no way in hell I’m doing that.

I probably shouldn’t say all this over the phone.

Anyway, I was curious if you could babysit for us. Charlotte and I need to see each other bad. A normal dinner. Out. Away from…trains and hippy city carousels. We don’t even care if you wanna take Monty out on another investigation adventure. Why not, right? He loved it last time, wouldn’t stop farting about it for days. Hey, ask Michael! You guys would be a dynamic duo. Okay, call me back and let me know either way. If you can’t do it, I guess I could just ask him. Thanks!

[Beep]

[Sound of a rocking chair, cooing toddler]

MICHAEL TATEJames Oliva (singing to tune of ‘hush little baby;)

…And if that mayor takes off one day, mama’s gonna run Red Line her way…

…And if that city’s run on trains, mama’s gonna need all of her brains…

…And if she resigns because it’s too much, Red Line’s gonna be run by a …lady who sucks…

LOUISA (whispering, chastising)

Michael!

MICHAEL (whispering)
Sorry.

…And when that city starts to fall apart, people gonna run to an amusement park…

LOUISA (whispering, simultaneously)

Hey…hey!

MICHAEL (whispering)
Hey! 

…And when that lady screws up a lot, she’s …gonna…. install a buncha cheese robots…

LOUISA (whispering)

He’s asleep! You’re good! 

MICHAEL (whispering)

Okay. I don’t – I don’t. I think if I just move right now it’s going to seriously going to undermine everything…

LOUISA (whispering)

Shift…shift him into my arms. 

MICHAEL (whispering)

This is one of those moments in the movies when you need to hand off the package. It’s giong to seem like I’m moving at a very slow pace. 

LOUISA (whispering)

Just just just. Okay. Here. One, two, three…

MICHAEL
…and a half, okay. 

[Delicate moving, lots of whispered commands like, ‘careful, move your arm there, shift your weight, hold on!’ Etc]

[Monty stirs, LOUISA and MICHAEL inhale sharply]

[LOUISA lowers him into bed. It’s like a bomb is about to go off. Slight toddler cooing / whimpering, settling down, sleeping]

[LOUISA and MICHAEL exhale slowly and leave the room].

MICHAEL

Raising kids is hard, I guess. Not sure I’m cut out for this.

LOUISA
You did just fine.

MICHAEL
You know, I was going to sing Rock-a-bye-baby. But then I thought about the lyrics to that thing? Like, they could make a horror movie out of that. They’re gonna adapt it soon. And turn it into its own franchise about children falling from the trees and crashing to the ground. 

LOUISA (laughing)
Totally could.

MICHAEL
It’s frightening actually.

LOUISA (laughing)

You’re – you’re really good with kids, you know?

MICHAEL

Oh. Thanks. I guess. I’ve always gotten along with them.

LOUISA

Do you want them? I mean not now. You know, some day?

MICHAEL

I…think so. Yeah. I don’t know. I guess so. It kinda – go back and forth on that a little bit. What – okay well what about you? What do you — ?

LOUISA

Oh. No no, not for me. 

MICHAEL

Oh, that’s cool.

LOUISA (chuckles)

Hahahaha.

 

MICHAEL

…what?

LOUISA

You don’t usually hear just like, “cool,” after you say you don’t want kids. People, you know, they get weird about it.

MICHAEL
Oh. Yeah. I could see that, sure. I guess. I mean – I’m assuming it’s important in a relationship, you and Wendell talked about it, right?

LOUISA
Eh, a little bit. He’s – what he says is having children doesn’t seem like something you can be wishy-washy about.

MICHAEL
Oh yeah, you – you can’t just be like on the fence about it, you gotta you know, sure.

LOUISA
And and and …truly, he (laughs) he wouldn’t admit this? But he pretty much thinks his songs are his children.

MICHAEL (shocked laughter)
Louisa!

LOUISA
He’s such a goober. He’s such a GOOBER! The funny thing is, I – I don’t know, I kinda love it when he says shit like this. I mean, his sincerity.

MICHAEL
Aww.

LOUISA
Okay, I don’t wanna talk about it. I don’t wanna – changing the subject. Nope no no. Changing subjects!  (Goes to grab a present) Here. I got you something.

MICHAEL
What, no, you didn’t have to do anything – 

LOUISA
Why do people say that? It’s a gift. You never *have* to give anyone a gift. 

MICHAEL
I mean it’s not my birthday or anything. 

LOUISA
Michael — 

LOUISA
Sometimes it’s more about the giver than the person getting gifted. 

MICHAEL

Oh. (thinking) Ohhh.

LOUISA

Okay, look, uhh. I got a letter from you last week. The one you told me you wrote before…before Dimitri — 

MICHAEL

Yes.

LOUISA

I …couldn’t open it. 

MICHAEL

Why?

LOUISA

I …don’t want to know that version of you.

MICHAEL

What version of me?

LOUISA

The person who almost…who I couldn’t have…(pause) Do you know how much it bothers me that I couldn’t find you?

MICHAEL

Louisa, I didn’t want to be found. Not for a while, anyway.

[On Golden Responsibilities plays]

LOUISA

Michael, you almost died. I almost *lost* you. I couldn’t find you and I hate that you were right there, struck in that stupid office the whole fucking time and you seem surprisingly calm about the whole thing And I can’t just check the mail and read a letter from that version of you, the version I not only couldn’t find, but couldn’t save. Like …like if the worst happened, that version of you would be stuffed into my mailbox rubber-banded, mixed in with bills and insurance ads and Market Basket coupons. 

MICHAEL

I’m sorry. I…I wouldn’t have written it if I thought…I mean, if I didn’t think —

LOUISA

I know.

MICHAEL

I wanted to say goodbye. 

LOUISA

But I can’t hear that now. Because you’re here. And I need you to be here a little longer before I even begin to introduce myself to the version who almost wasn’t. 

MICHAEL

I know I might seem like none of what happened bothered me? Part of that is just putting on a brave face, you know? And part of it is just being grateful that I’m still here. Part of it is just not wanting to burden anyone with how I feel about it. Because it’s complicated. As much as I regret what happened at the end, I needed to be alone for a little while. I needed to figure out how to continue without…well, without. Without — 

LOUISA

Leon?

MICHAEL

Yeah. I kinda just need to find my own way, you know?

LOUISA

I understand wanting to find your own way. But as much as it pains me to say it, nobody ever finds much of anything on their own. (Pause) You can let go of him a little while hanging on to parts of him that are important. I did. 

MICHAEL

I’m afraid that — I’m afraid the temptation will be too great. It kills me that he’s still out there in some form but — but if I were to try and interact with him?

LOUISA

I know.

MICHAEL

I’m sure it sounds crazy.

LOUISA

It doesn’t. I believe you. 

MICHAEL

Those letters. They were the last things I wrote. They had a purpose. And ever since what happened? I’ve been having a hard time finding that again. It feels like I got too close to the end, got infected with…not existing. Nothing seems as important as it once did. I mean, the Underground needs me, but I come into the office every day and sit at the computer and poke at the keyboard and eventually play solitaire. I have to keep busy, I have to keep my mind occupied. But …but part of my writing method before was all about channeling Leon. Even if I only keep some elements of that method and expand on it, I need to do that in a way that makes sense for me. On my own. A way I’m going to like. And that’s been hard. 

LOUISA

Well. Open this. Maybe this will help give you a little direction. 

[Michael opens present, pulls out a piece of clothing – Trencoat theme plays]

MICHAEL

Oh…oh my god. A new trench coat. It’s beautiful! 

LOUISA

I know you lost your last one in the Octobacle. And I know you were attached to it. You need to get out there and shake some people down. Get some information. Have some conversations. Start some investigations. Find some stuff out. And then the writing will hopefully come out of that. (Pause). I’ll help if you want.

MICHAEL

You already have. (Sniffs away tears) I love it. I love it so much. Thank you, Louisa. 

LOUISA
Just don’t get yourself lost again, okay? And if you do, give me better clues to help me find you. And nothing in Klingon! Deal?

MICHAEL
Pagh lay’ chenmoH jIH!

LOUISA
Uh, yeah. Speaking of which, there’s a new season of Discovery that came out while you were away. Shall we catch up while the kiddo sleeps?

MICHAEL
Uhh, sure. But I haven’t watched the first season yet. 

LOUISA
Really? Just too busy?

MICHAEL
I’ve uhh — yeah, to be perfectly honest, I was never really into Star Trek.

LOUISA
You’re kidding me.

MICHAEL
No?

LOUISA
So not only did you learn a fake alien language from a TV show, you learned a fake alien language from a TV show you don’t even *watch?*

MICHAEL
There were only so many books in Oliver’s office. I read them all. A lot! I didn’t realize you were a fan?

LOUISA
I wasn’t. But you sent your Klingon tube, and we went to the convention to nab Phil. And I had to do research for intel and figured you were a fan anyway so I watched a bunch of episodes and imagined us checking out the new ones together once you were back so then ended up getting super into it and I even like imagined you reacting to certain surprising twists in the episodes and — and — oh, you’ve gotta be shitting me!

MICHAEL
You’re welcome?

LOUISA
Laughter. 

CREDITSAlexander Danner
GreaterBoston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon. 

This episode episode featured performances by:

  • Julia Propp as Louisa Alvarez
  • Lydia Anderson as Gemma Linzer-Coolidge
  • and James Oliva as Michael Tate

Charlie on the MTA recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede. 

On Questions of Discipline and the Naivete of Flowers (Act 1) by Lloyd Rogers

Trenchcoat Theme by Jeff Van Dreason and Jim Johanson

Space Voyage theme by Eli McIlveen

Transcripts are available online at greaterbostonshow.com

COOKIE

James Oliva (singing to tune of ‘hush little baby in a Tom Waits impression)

…And if that mayor takes off one day, mama’s gonna run Red Line her way…

…And if that city’s run on trains, mama’s gonna need all of her brains…

…And if she resigns because it’s too much, Red Line’s gonna be run by a …lady who sucks…

JULIA PROPP (giggling)

Michael!

JAMES OLIVA (whispering)

…And when that city starts to fall apart, people gonna run to an amusement park…

…And when that lady screws up a lot, she’s …gonna…. install a buncha cheese robots…

JEFF VAN DREASON
The funny thing is, this really sounds like a Tom Waits song.

ALEXANDER DANNER
I know!

ALL
(Laughter)

Transcript for The Stamatis Family News Hour

THE STAMATIS FAMILY NEWS HOUR – Transcript

DANA FARBER PROMO COLD-OPEN

[“Train Jam” plays in the background]

ALEXANDER
Hey Greater Bostonians. A few years ago, cast member Michael Melia was diagnosed with cancer. Michael thankfully beat the disease, but ever since then, he’s been raising money for the Dana-Farber Cancer institute in order to help other people still struggling with their cancer. And this year, he’s running the Boston Marathon on behalf of Dana-Farber, and he’s having a big fundraising party to help the cause.

Join us at BitBar in Salem, Massachusetts on Thursday, March 12, from 4 to 10pm, for food, games, and fundraising. All night long, 10% of all food purchases will go toward Dana-Farber. And that’s not all! Sign up to enter a MarioKart tournament and try your luck in our opportunity drawing for a great North Shore gift basket. All proceeds and donations will also go to Dana-Farber. 

Plenty of us from Greater Boston will be there, so if you ever dreamed of facing down GB creators and cast members in your favorite arcade game, please swing by, and we’ll see you there! And if you’d like to support Michael and Dana-Farber in their efforts to fight cancer, please check the link to donate in the show notes. Thank you!

[Train Jam fades out]

EMILY PETERSON
Alright. One, two, th–

[Demo version of Charlie on the MTA plays]

Continue reading “Transcript for The Stamatis Family News Hour”

Transcript for Mini: The Brief, Bright Teatime of the Heart

EMILY PETERSON
Alright. One, two, th–

[Demo version of Charlie on the MTA plays]

VOICE 1
This is…

VOICE 2
This is…

VOICE 3
This is…

VOICE 4
Greater Boston. 

[Tea shop door opens. Footsteps. Soothing music plays. Tea is stirred. Tea is sipped. A door opens and Gemma and Freed Friend approach.]

GEMMA LINZER-COOLIDGE – [Lydia Anderson]
Tyrell. Hi.

TYRELL FREDERICKS – [Arun Sannuti]

Hi…oh! Dipshit!

FREED FRIEND POLETTI – [James Capobianco]
Hello Tyrell.

GEMMA
It’s Freed now. Freed, uh…Friend. I mentioned I was meeting you, and he asked to come. I hope you don’t mind.

TYRELL
No, it’s…fine? You two talk now?

GEMMA
Not on the regular. But it happens.

FREED
A lot has happened.

Continue reading “Transcript for Mini: The Brief, Bright Teatime of the Heart”

Transcript for Episode 38: The Voice In Your Head

COLD OPEN

CHUCK OCTAGON – JEFF VAN DREASON

Who are you? And Why are you here?

INTERVIEW

Um. So…I personally like to get a degree in mechanical engineering technology. I always liked working on things like robotics. I always liked tinkering with things, since I was very young. I think it started when I was five.

[Charlie on the MTA plays]

CHUCK
I don’t even just mean the college. I mean like…on Earth. In this life.

INTERVIEW

Oh. [laughter.] Oh my god! I haven’t thought about that kind of thing really deeply really, but I just know for a fact that I just like…building things. But um…yeah.

Continue reading “Transcript for Episode 38: The Voice In Your Head”

Transcript for Episode 37: King Nero and the Great George Wombwell

COLD OPEN

INTERVIEW 1

We moved my parents out of my home, my childhood home, because it was so dilapidated that it just wasn’t safe for them to live there anymore. That was gone, and that home meant a lot to me, and created who I am today. And I just went back recently, and the house was torn down, which I knew, but it had turned into a lot filled with trees and bushes and hedges, and it became almost like a jungle or a park. And we just happened to go by when they were tearing down all the trees.

[Charlie on the MTA plays.]

CHUCK

Ohhh.

INTERVIEW 1

So now it’s just a big empty lot. A guy’s gonna build there. I think he’s probably a speculator. That he’s gonna build and sell. And I always thought maybe I could make it back, maybe I could make it into a park dedicated to my parents. But now its…it’s done.

Continue reading “Transcript for Episode 37: King Nero and the Great George Wombwell”

Transcript for Episode 36: Division Signs

DANA FARBER BENEFIT

GEMMA LINZER-COOLIDGELydia Anderson

Hey, Greater Bostonians. It’s me, Gemma-Linzer Coolidge. And you know one thing I fluffing hate? (beat) Yeah, okay, that’s an impossible question for you to answer. Throw a rock and if you hit something, I probably hate it. Most of you probably thought “writing crap advice columns” or “tuna subs” or “Dipshit” and you’d be right. But no, the thing I hate the most is something I’m pretty sure we all hate. And that thing is cancer.

Fuck cancer. (Monty cries). Sorry Monty, no, I can’t downplay that one. Fuck Cancer.

That’s why I’m asking you to support my run to benefit the Dana-Farber Institute. Since its founding in 1947, Dana-Farber has been committed to providing adults and children with cancer the best treatment available today, while developing tomorrow’s cures through cutting-edge research. if you’re able to give anything to help us cancel cancer, please check the link in the show notes, or visit the Greater Boston twitter page.

Thanks. Now enjoy the episode. It’s a good one. I’m in it a lot.


COLD OPEN

CHUCK OCTAGON – Jeff Van Dreason
Have you ever had to leave something behind that you really loved?

INTERVIEW 1
Yeah, umm. My grandparents used to have a lakehouse. And so that was like the thing to do around 4th of July. And that came with a whole set of traditions, you know. Going on my grandfather’s boat, and like, having, you know, barbeque, and the fireworks from the neighbors and stuff? And like..there potentially a little dangerous because the house was so…old?

CHUCK OCTAGON
Mmm.

INTERVIEW 1
LIke, it would go up like a…like a pine needle. And just after he died, you know, I mean the house is together because he was maintaining it? So like, with bubblegum and like duct tape. Obviously it was very hard when he died in general, but then it was like that summer we said goodbye to the…the house. And that was really hard, and I also had to…give up traditions. Continue reading “Transcript for Episode 36: Division Signs”

Transcript for Episode 35: I am Who I am, We are Who We Are

COLD OPEN

CHUCK OCTAGON – Jeff Van Dreason
Have you ever refused to forgive someone for something?

INTERVIEW 1
Mmm. Yes. One time when my dad called, uhh, the cops on me. Um, uhh, I was…uhh, at that point, uhh, I told him, uhh, you know, for a long time I’m – I’m — uhh — this was back when I was younger, I told him for a long time, I’m not I’m never gonna talk to you or anything like that and. Uhh. It took a while, but then I was, you know, I was able to get over it. ‘Cause, you know, it’s a long time ago, and I thought I’d never get over it, but you know, uhh, in life you just have to let go of things.

[Charlie on the MTA plays]

Continue reading “Transcript for Episode 35: I am Who I am, We are Who We Are”