Transcript for Halloween Special: Three Strategies for Silence

[Charlie on the MTA plays]

VOICES

This is…

This is…

This is…

Greater Boston

[White noise: a Ford engine idling]

LEON

An hour before sunrise, Marlo breathes gently, asleep in his bed. He has slept well every night since his release from Shawmut, the sleep of a man who has faced crisis and prevailed. All charges were dropped, in assured recognition of his innocence and ignorance of any wrongdoing. He even wears a hint of a smile, as he dreams of pleasant conversation, an old favorite fantasy of Marlo’s: calling into the old radio show Car Talk, sharing his thoughts about power windows live on air, while Click and Clack listen, enraptured by his insights.

[Note: Marlo’s monologue runs indecipherably in the background throughout the scene.]

Marlo is unaware that back in the waking world, he has a visitor in his home. A visitor who sits by Marlo’s bed, watching him sleep.

NARRATOR

The visitor does not breathe so easily as Marlo. He is stricken by a tension of uncertainty, and will not feel peace until that tension is released. He felt this tension as he drove to Marlo’s neighborhood and parked around the corner. He felt this tension as he entered the house through a rear entrance, after picking the lock. He felt this tension as he crept through the house to Marlo’s bedroom, the sound of his footsteps thoroughly masked by Marlo’s white noise machine–even in his sleep, it seems Marlo cannot abide quiet.

And now the visitor sits, still ruminating on this tension. He is making a decision; whether Marlo will awaken to another day, or whether this night’s peaceful repose will be everlasting.

LEON
This has gotten darker than expected.

GUY

There are too many loose ends. Michael Tate has been released, but he does not know me, or of my involvement. Oliver West knows of my involvement, but he is in hiding. Philip West knows of my involvement, but he is protected.

NARRATOR

Philip is the mayor’s lackey now. A risky place to leave a man like Philip, but Guy suspected that the mayor too was complicit in the conspiracy Oliver had orchestrated. Guy was not privy to many details, but knew his business. He could put the pieces together. And so, for now, Guy could count on the mayor’s own culpability to prevent Philip from exposing Guy.

But then there was Marlo. Marlo, who had ferried Guy from point to point, from crime scene to crime scene, from Oliver to Phil to Michael. Marlo, who knew more of Guy’s movements than anyone else. Marlo, whose curiosity could not be squelched.

GUY

Marlo is a man who asks too many questions. Questions that should not be asked. Worse, Marlo is a man who may answer questions. Dangerous questions. Marlo has seen my face. Marlo has seen my work. Marlo knows that I am Guy.

LEON

People had already begun to ask Marlo questions. People who want to find their way to Guy.

NARRATOR

Guy knows this. That is why Guy is here. To ensure that Marlo does not answer such questions. 

GUY

But Marlo likes to talk. It is his nature. He is not a man who keeps secrets or values privacy. He is a man whose thoughts become words from his mouth. A man like this will not willingly choose silence. A man like this must have silence induced by other means.

I have three methods by which I may ensure a man’s silence. 

LEON
I hope one of them is just asking very nicely.

NARRATOR
No, asking nicely is not in Guy’s repertoire of strategies.

GUY

My first method is money. Bribery. This method is very effective for silencing men who are greedy or who are desperate.

I do not think that Marlo can be silenced with money. Marlo is not motivated by greed or by desperation, or even by pragmatism. Marlo does not follow rules when rules have been given to him in exchange for money. I will rule out the strategy of money.

My second method is intimidation. This method is very effective for silencing men who are cowardly or who are vain. Men who value their own existence above all else.

I do not think that Marlo can be intimidated into silence. Marlo is too naive for cowardice or vanity. Marlo does not comprehend when he is being intimidated. Most men do not ask questions once I have made clear that I do not wish to be questioned. But Marlo is oblivious to my threat. I will rule out the strategy of intimidation.

My third method is murder.

LEON
That is definitely the worst option.

NARRATOR

It is the most certain option.

GUY

Murder is a reliable method. Murder always works. Any man may be silenced by murder.

Even Marlo.

I believe that murder is my best option in this circumstance.

NARRATOR
Murder is an option that appeals to Guy. It would be easy. Marlo sleeps heavily upon a bed beset by pillows.

LEON

Why does Marlo have so many pillows? It’s at least two dozen. That is an unreasonable number of pillows.

NARRATOR

And any one of those pillows can easily become a weapon. An instrument of silence. He takes one into his hands now, without even standing from his chair. He chooses one from the foot of the bed, a thick down-filled pillow in a blue pillowcase, decorated all over with the Ford logo. 

He stands and approaches Marlo, whose lips are moving, expounding upon some unknown subject even now, within his dream.

LEON

Power windows. I said that earlier.

NARRATOR

Marlo speaks. A lot. At great length. About nothing. He is a man categorically in need of silencing.

GUY

To murder you is no challenge. You are small and you are helpless. I can simply lean forward and press this pillow against your face. That would be the end of you.

I have murdered such men as you before. Men who ran their mouths without pause. Men who endangered my life and livelihood. I have strangled them. I have wrung silence from them with my hands. Those murders have always been…a relief.

I should find the same relief in your death. I should be glad to end your questions by choking them at their source. I should not hesitate. I should be eager for your death, as I have been eager for such death in the past.

LEON

However…

GUY

This time, I find that I am reluctant. Marlo. I do not wish to murder you.

NARRATOR

This was unexpected. Confusing. And above all…inconvenient.

LEON

And so Guy did the one thing that Guy was always most reluctant to do. Guy…asked a question.

GUY

Why? Why is it that I do not wish to murder Marlo?

I had an unusual experience not very long ago. An experience that has changed my life for the better. An experience that has left me, after all this time, in possession of…a truck.

I acquired this truck from a ghost. But that is not important. What is important is the bond that forms between a man and his truck. A bond of familiarity, and common cause, and shared labor. It is a bond that I have long envied in other men and their trucks. And yet, it is a bond far more powerful than I even imagined. It is a bond upon which a new life may be built. It is…inviolate.

LEON
What?

GUY

And so, I must consider the bond that exists between Marlo and Marlo’s truck. Bertha. I was wrong to say that truck must not have name. Truck has name. Truck’s name is Bertha. Bertha is a good truck. 

NARRATOR

And so Guy is forced to confront an undeniable truth–that to harm a man is to harm all who love that man. [Confused by the words he’s saying.] As Bertha surely loves Marlo. What?!

LEON
You know what? This is weird, but it’s headed in a good direction, so I’m just going to let it go. 

GUY
I cannot cause harm to Bertha. To harm Marlo is to hurt Bertha. Ergo, I cannot murder Marlo.

NARRATOR
[Disappointed] Guy tried his best to set aside his…disappointment.

LEON

To think of what really mattered.

GUY

Gertrude.

NARRATOR
Gertrude is…the name of his truck?

LEON
I think that was clear from context.

GUY

Gertrude is a good truck. We are alike. Gertrude has killed a man, as I have killed men. But Gertrude did not intend to kill. She would not like to kill again. I believe that Gertrude would not like for me to kill again. I must learn to be a better man. For my truck.

Marlo. You would like Gertrude if you met her. You will not meet her. But. You will live.

[The front door opens and closes. White noise and Marlo’s monologue stop.]

NARRATOR
[Disgusted–followed by increasing difficulty accessing Guy’s thoughts.]
Guy stood and left Marlo’s bedside. He exited through the front door, uh… he turned right? And walked, uh…he walked…

[Footsteps.]

LEON

He walked two blocks to where he had parked Gertrude, safely away from the scene of the crime that would not take place.

NARRATOR

Wait…how’d you…

LEON

Guy gave Gertrude a gentle pat on her hood, and thought of how many ways she had changed his life. Changed him. He was a gentler man now, a less selfish man, and Gertrude’s engine purred in contentment.

[Guy gets into his truck and starts the engine.]

NARRATOR

Well, shit.

LEON

Meanwhile, Marlo slept peacefully. When he woke, he felt rested and happy as he went about this day and all of his days.

NARRATOR

Yes, well. Fine. You took Guy. A minor player. Just a pawn in the grand game.

LEON
Nobody is ever just a pawn.

NARRATOR

A character of little importance to our story, however philosophical you may care to be about it.

LEON

But not one you should have lost so easily.

NARRATOR

There are still plenty more in play.

LEON
Yes, you have the mayor and her husband, I’m aware.

NARRATOR

And Nica.

LEON

You don’t have Nica.

NARRATOR

Don’t I?

LEON
She’s…she’s better now.

NARRATOR
Is she? I think her direction remains in doubt. But we’ll see, won’t we? Yes, we’ll see.

[Charlie on the MTA plays.]

CREDITS

ALEXANDER DANNER

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

Content warnings at end of show notes.

This episode featured:

  • Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis (he/him)
  • Mike Linden as Marlo (he/him) and Guy (he/him)
  • and Alexander Danner as The Narrator

Charlie on the MTA is recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede.

COOKIE

ALEXANDER DANNER

That’s a wrap!

MIKE LINDEN (In Marlo voice)

That’s a wrap!

JAMES OLIVA (In Marlo-esque old man voice)
That’s a Wrap!

ALEXANDER
Not a sandwich!

MARLO
You know the difference between a wrap and a sandwich, really?

JAMES

No, Marlo, what’s the difference between a sandwich and a…a wrap?

MARLO
Well, one of ’em’s got bread and the other doesn’t. Like, so…that’s the difference.

JAMES

Huh.

MARLO
It’s funny when you think about it.

JAMES
That’s pretty sweet.

MARLO

Well, only certain types of wraps are sweet, some of ’em are savory.

JAMES (as Michael Tate)

Hey Marlo? It’s me, Michael.

MARLO
I was sleepin’ just there, but that’s okay.

MICHAEL

Yeah. No, no, you are sleeping actually.

MARLO

I was just…

MICHAEL
This is a dream.

MARLO
Ohhhh, wow!

MICHAEL
We’ve never actually met.

MARLO

Yeah, no?

MICHAEL
Um…

MARLO
I was wonderin’ about that! I know a lot of people. And I know there’s Mar….Michael from down the street.

MICHAEL
That’s not me.

MARLO
No?

MICHAEL
No.

MARLO
You’re not Michael with the red car, are ya?

MICHAEL
Well, I…I live in the Red Line, actually.

MARLO
Ohhhh

MICHAEL

Yeah, yeah.

MARLO
Like in the train?

MICHAEL
Yeah!

MARLO
So, you’re train Michael!

MICHAEL
Yeah! I was listening to your conversation the whole time.

MARLO
Well, that’s only a little bit creepy, because I was sleepin’.

MICHAEL
Yeah. But just to let you know, you are also speaking those words out loud in the real world.

MARLO

Oh…

MICHAEL
Ummm…

MARLO
How ’bout that!

MICHAEL

Yeah, yeah. Um, but, just wanted to let you know…there’s someone else here too.

MARLO

Oh, yeah?

MICHAEL

Yeah. You may want to think about waking up soon.

MARLO

It’s a right…right…a party in here!

MICHAEL
Also, could you hold this unicorn for me?

MARLO

I, I would love to. Oh, wait, no…aw, where’d he go? Man, now I’m stuck with a unicorn!

CONTENT WARNINGS

  • Strong language
  • Earnest threat of violence/murder
  • Reference to murders
  • Frank discussion of violence, including suffocation and strangulation

Transcript for Mini Episode: My Name is Lily of the Valley

[The sound of someone metal-working, welding, hammering into iron, bending metal]

[Knock on a large metal door]

FREED FRIEND POLETTI James Capobianco

Lily?

LILY OF THE VALLEYLucille Valentine

EEE! NOOOO PLEASE DON’T, please don’t come a single step closer!

FOX FOSSIL JENKINSCaleb Del Rio

You told us to get you in the morning and it’s the morning so — 

LILY

I know I know I know but I don’t want you to see what I’m working on yet, okay? It’s a surprise. 

FOX FOSSIL

Well don’t tell us it’s a surprise! If it’s a surprise now we know to expect a surprise and that ruins the surprise!

LILY

Yeah well okay fair, but you don’t know what the surprise is so it’s still a surprise!

FREED

Yes, but the tension of the inevitable surprise has been deflated thanks to you forecasting the expectation of some kind of impending revelation. And given that we’ve found you in the midst of your metal artistry, it’s only natural to assume that — is that — is that tin and rebar? 

LILY

You rascal! No peeking! 

[Metal door closes. Silence]

FOX

It was totally tin and rebar. 

FREED

I know. My favorites!

[Pause. Metal door opens and then shuts]

LILY

Ahem. You saw nothing. Say it, please!

FREED & FOX
We saw nothing.

LILY
Good! And warm morning to you, family members! We’ve been asked by the Council to look over the grounds for gardening potential. I have to admit, I don’t have a lot of faith we’ll find fertile growing grounds. The soil’s been treated with something that makes the dirt tough. It feels like that horrid material they use for American football fields. 

[Footsteps on grass]

FREED

We were told there may be some suitable soil somewhere near Fermentation Island. 

LILY

Oh really? Did one of the Red Lineans tell you that? I wouldn’t expect they’d know much about gardening. 

FOX

No, it was Lily of the Small Urban Community Garden. 

LILY

Oh. (giggles) Well. Despite her name, Lily of the Small Community Garden doesn’t know dirt about dirt.

FREED

You’ve never been one to slight another family member. Did someone put a bug on your vegan crumpet this morning?

LILY
Oh, you’re right, but it was all in good fun. By the way, do you know where Lily of the Small Urban Community Garden is working these days, Freed? 

FREED
I confess I do not.

LILY
She’s at the brand new baseball stadium in Braintree. Red Line. 

FREED

I had no idea Lily of the Small Urban Community Garden was an admirer of what many consider to be the national pastime. 

LILY

I don’t think she is. She’s doing it for the same reason you worked at ThirdSight.

FREED
I see. I wish she didn’t need to concern herself with capitalist ventures like that. But —

FOX

But the family needs income to survive, Lily. It would be wonderful if we could get by on our art, on our gardening, on our projects, but you know that’s not practical. The family honors those of us who selflessly set aside their own ambitions in order to — 

LILY

Oh, I know. It’s just — doing it for our family is one thing. But I’m not sure that’s what Lily is doing it for anymore. To be honest, I’m not sure what any of us are doing anymore.

FREED
I admit, living amongst this monstrous carcass of capitalist fantasy is a disgusting idea. But I do find pleasure in repurposing it for our communal needs. 

LILY

Well, you know I’m all about my three R’s. But some things just need to be thrown out.

FOX

Are you that unhappy about the family joining up with the community here?

LILY

It’s not that I’m unhappy. It’s more that I’m just sad. I believe there’s strength in numbers, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have concerns. Before I was welcomed into our family, I never had a supportive network of people who accepted me for who I am, or allowed me to pursue my art. I didn’t have people who really believed in me. And it’s nobody’s fault, but things are changing, so I’m worried about what we all might be giving up. And for what. Plus? Well. Never mind. 

FOX

No, no, no, I can’t never mind, I can never ‘never mind,’ I always mind. Please. Tell us what.

[Footsteps stop]

LILY (sighs)

A few family members. They’re ….they’ve…

FREED

They want to leave. 

LILY

They’re thinking about it. Yeah. 

FREED

Who?

LILY

I swore not to tell. They don’t want to make a big dramatic thing out of it because they’re concerned it may influence some of the family who are happy here. This just isn’t what they signed up for. 

FOX

I know this is different, I know it’s hard, but it’s also exciting. Sitting on the Council, I get the sense that everyone is actually excited to learn from us, from how we govern and manage the family? Think about how we could bring about real change and growth.

[Pause]

LILY

What about here? Does this land have gardening potential? 

FREED

Far too dry. Not fertile in the slightest. 

LILY

Mmm. My thoughts exactly. Let’s keep looking. 

[Pause as footsteps on grass resume]

FOX

Did something happen recently, Lily of the Valley? Do you want to talk about it? We’re here for you, always.

[Music – “Lost Civilization” plays]

LILY (bitter chuckle)

Nothing new. Nothing in particular. I’m sorry, loves. I’m just…tired, and like I said, sad. But I’m not naive. I’ve lived my whole life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whether it’s our family, the commune, whether it’s someone who hates me for who I am – every single moment holds the potential for the unthinkable, so I’m forced to think about the unthinkable on a regular basis. I felt safe and loved with all of you. We were in this together, for each other. And now? Now we’re looking outward and — and it’s hard for me to just embrace it, because I can’t trust everyone we’re supposed to be embracing. I went to discuss this with Particle Physics the other day and on my way to their dwelling, I stopped into that makeshift coffee shop the Red Lineans set up. There were new faces in line, people who have just arrived to Wonderland. These people are my allies. They’re my neighbors. But they’re not my family. I want to work with them, I want to trust them. But there’s that other shoe hanging in the air, making me wonder if I can. I want to walk up to each of them and be comfortable saying, “My Name is Lily of the Valley, how can we work together to ensure a better future for all of us?” I could do that with any member of the commune, even if we don’t always agree. Can I do it with the Red Lineans? Could I do it with all of them? Any of them?  

[Music fades out]

FOX

Are you — thinking of leaving too, Lily of the Valley?

(Pause)

LILY

I don’t think I could ever leave you, loves.

FREED
And yet?

LILY
I — I haven’t decided. 

FREED

This …this is all my fault. 

LILY

This isn’t about you, Freed, this is about me. 

FREED

If I hadn’t been so devoted to the publisher, if I hadn’t decided to try and help Isaiah Powell, if I had done what those monstrous Legion cronies wanted me to do?

LILY

You did most of those things because of the good person you are. You worked hard for the family for years, doing something you hated out of love for us. I’ll never forget that. (Pause) But — while we’re on the subject, there is something I’d like to discuss with you. 

FREED

Of course.

LILY

Your name. 

FREED

My new name? Do you not care for it?

LILY

It’s your name, so of course I love it, because I love you. You know we’ll always respect whatever you chose your name to be. Whatever you want it to be. 

FREED

It sounds like there may be a ‘but’ coming. 

LILY

But…

FOX

But — well, obviously, you change it a lot, Freed.

LILY

Which is your right, of course. 

FOX

Yeah, and it’s fine! I mean, we’ll never tell you not to. 

LILY

We’ve both changed our names too. 

FOX

Hell, I’ve changed mine several times.

LILY

It’s not that you change it a lot. Who cares? Your name is whatever you want it to be. But there were times in the past when you changed it that didn’t feel particularly…well intentioned. I know, for example, why you *said* you changed your name to Panda Bear. 

FOX
Or Extinction Event. Or even Dipshit.

LILY
But a lot of that felt like it was motivated out of issues you were having with coworkers. And when you were talking to us about those relationships, I feel like some other motivations may have slipped out. Like you were changing it… just to spite them.

FOX
Or in the case of Dipshit, because you were feeling a sense of self-loathing from being rejected by them.

LILY
And then you’d complain about people not accepting your name changes at work. And that’s understandable, to a point. But …that’s every day for people like Fox and me, Freed. And our names are wrapped up with so much more than just causes or office politics. Our names are wrapped up with our identity. They’re wrapped up in who we are, as trans people.

FOX
Don’t get us wrong. If you change your name, people should respect your name change. But if you change your just to spite coworkers? And they forget it? That’s one thing. But when people forget our names?  Or refuse to use them?

LILY
It’s like we don’t exist to them. It’s like they’re rejecting us. Rejecting our existence.

FOX
Do you understand what we’re saying?

FREED

I do. I’ve — I’ve been reckless. Selfish. I don’t think I realized how much I was unloading on all of you. And I didn’t even consider how any of that would make you feel. Fox Fossil, Lily of the Valley, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for being so wrapped up in myself that I failed to consider how these types of careless changes would have made you feel. 

LILY

Don’t apologize. Just — if you end up changing it again, think about what’s motivating it. And if people don’t accept it right away? Just remember what we’re dealing with.

FOX
All the time. 

FREED

May I — may I consult you both, if I ever think about changing it again?

LILY

Of course you can. We’re always here for you. 

FREED

Does that mean you’ll stay, Lily of the Valley?

LILY

I will. For now. 

[Pause]

FREED

I don’t mean to be confrontational, but you do realize you mocked Lily of the Small Urban Community Garden’s name earlier in this conversation, correct?

LILY

Heh. You got me, Freed. I apologize. I love Lily and I love her name. I won’t mock it again. 

FOX

What about here? For the garden, I mean?

LILY

Hmm. (pause) Good moisture. Even has some minerals. This feels pretty good to me. Yeah! About as good as we’re going to find, I think.

FREED

I have the seeds. Let’s dig in. 

[Sounds of shoveling dirt and planting as the music fades in for the credits – “Lost Civilization” plays again]

CREDITS:

ALEXANDER DANNER
Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This mini-episode features:

Lucy Valentine as Lily of the Valley

James Capobianco as Freed Friend Poletti

and Caleb Del Rio as Fox Fossil Jenkins. 

Charlie on the MTA is performed by Emily Petersen and Dirk Tiede. 

Sensitivity reading services for this episode were provided by Lucy Valentine. If you’re interested in hiring Lucy as a sensitivity reader on trans issues, you can contact her on twitter @SeverelyTrans.

COOKIE:

CALEB DEL RIO:
Are you good?

LUCY VALENTINE: (laughing)
Yeah, I’m fine.

CALEB
Okay. I’m gonna start this line over. Sorry, Jeff.

LUCY
I’m not. (Laughter)

Transcript for Mini Episode: Passes for the Classes

PASSES FOR THE CLASSES

[Charlie on the MTA]

MULTIPLE VOICES
This is

This is

This is

Greater Boston

[Upbeat Corporate Muzak]

CHEERFULLY POSH BRITISH VOICE (VICKI) — Tanja Milojevic

Hello, and welcome to Red Line! I’m your Vocally Interactive Concierge Kiosk Innovation, but you can call me Vicki! I’d like to show you the new beauty of Red Line as brought to you by The Face of Red Line herself, Mayor Emily Bespin! As you’ll see, the Red Line of today is very different from the one you may remember. Gone are the frustrated masses of hurried commuters, the horrid cacophony of station buskers, the stench of transit workers.

Today’s Red Line is an elite, upscale destination, where commuters of merit ride in style and arrive on time. How did we achieve this remarkable feat? Through our revolutionary inverted sliding scale pricing structure. I’m not just a fully automated ticketing machine–I’m also an impartial arbiter of every commuter’s social and fiscal value!

Each time you purchase Commuter Cash, I will evaluate your potential for subversive or antisocial behavior through careful analysis of your credit rating and financial history, then assign you a level in our tiered pass structure based on the degree of risk you present. By requiring higher risk commuters to pay higher fees, we ensure that only those people who will respect the privilege of access will join us in Red Line. We call our system “Passes for the Classes.” It’s not just a clever rhyme–it’s the law!

[Transition from ad to station environment. Train, crowds, calm muzak.]

MELISSA WEATHERBY — Tanja Milojevic
God I wish I didn’t have to listen to that every single time I come through here.

VICKI 1

Please insert your credit card to begin your personal value evaluation.

[A card is inserted and sucked into the machine.]

MELISSA
That’s redundant. What jerk wrote this?

VICKI 1

Thank you…

A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT VOICE
Melissa Weatherby

VICKI 1
…how may I help you today?

MELISSA
I need to add funds to my Prole Pass.

VICKI 1
I would be happy to add funds to your Prole Pass. How much would you like to add?

MELISSA
Twenty-five dollars.

[Error chime]

VICKI 1
I’m sorry.

DIFFERENT VOICE

Twenty-five

VICKI 1

…dollars is below the minimum threshold for this type of transaction. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

[Footsteps as Wanda approaches.]

WANDA MCINTOSH — Tanja Milojevic
The fuck’s all this? What happened to the Charlie machines?

MELISSA
Fifty dollars, Vicki. [To Wanda.] They put in this new system. 

[Error chime]

VICKI 1

I’m sorry.

DIFFERENT VOICE

Fifty

VICKI 1

…dollars is below the minimum threshold for this type of transaction. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

VICKI 2

Red Line’s automated ticketing kiosks have been upgraded! I will be happy to help you! Please insert your credit card to begin.

MELISSA
The whole thing is a mess. Just completely awful. 

[Error chime]

VICKI 2
That is an unpopular opinion!

MELISSA

Seventy-five dollars.

WANDA
You sayin’ Charlie’s gone? That’s a shame. I liked Charlie. He seemed like a good guy.

[Error chime]

VICKI 1

I’m sorry. 

DIFFERENT VOICE

Seventy-five

VICKI 1

dollars is below the minimum threshold for this type of transaction. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

VICKI 2
Fun Fact: The name “Charles” means “a common man?” Here in Red Line, we are anything but common! Please insert your credit card to begin.

[Wanda inserts card]

MELISSA

Whatever. Put a hundred dollars on my pass, VICKI. 

VICKI

…your line of credit has qualified you for Prole-level service. How may I help you today?

[Another commuter enters to use the kiosk to Melissa’s right and inserts card.]

WANDA
I just wanna get my  monthly Charlie pass.

YELENA SERGEIVICH — Tanja Milojevic

This Red Line, this is joke!

MELISSA

Christ, I’m going to be late for my meeting with Mayor Siddiqui.

YELENA

Look at this! Nobody clean!

MELISSA

[groans]

YELENA

All dirty!

VICKI 1
Fun Fact: Cambridge Mayor

DIFFERENT VOICE

Sambul Siddiqui

VICKI 1

wishes she could be just like Red Line’s Mayor Emily Bespin in every way! It’s true!

YELENA

Everything Dirty! Dirty…no people, dirty still! What? Pigeons shit all over this place? Disgusting! Euch!

VICKI 3

Thank you…

DIFFERENT VOICE
Yelena Sergeivitch

VICKI 3
…how may I help you today?

YELENA
[Scoffs] You can eat poison and die, lousy machine.

MELISSA
I said one hundred dollars, VICKI!

[Error chime]

VICKI 2
I’m sorry, Charlie passes are no longer one of our offerings. Would you like to sign up for a Prole Pass?

[Error chime]

VICKI 3

I’m sorry,

DIFFERENT VOICE

“eat poison and die”

VICKI 3

…is not one of our offerings. How may I help you today?

[Error chime]

VICKI 1

I’m sorry,

DIFFERENT VOICE

one hundred

VICKI 1

…dollars is below the minimum threshold for this transaction. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

WANDA

What the hell’s a prole?

YELENA
Is proletariat! Working class! All us people at bottom of empty well, with none of the money and all of the troubles!

[Error chime]

VICKI 3

That is an unpopular opinion!

[Yelena spits at machine.]

YELENA
*You* unpopular opinion! You should jump in river with snakes in your pockets and see which kills you first!

[Error chime]

VICKI 3

I’m sorry,

DIFFERENT VOICE

“jump in the river with snakes in my pockets and see which kills me first”

VICKI 3

…is not one of our offerings. How may I help you today?

WANDA
Proletariat, huh? Funny word, but that’s me alright. Ass-broke with all the fuckin’ troubles.

VICKI 2

Excellent, I would be happy to sign you up for a Prole Pass.

DIFFERENT VOICE

500

VICKI 2

…dollars in Commuter Cash will be added to your new Prole Pass.

WANDA
Five hundred dollars! I can’t afford that!

YELENA
You should climb high mountain until you find big mountain goat. Then, stand by edge of cliff and throw little rocks at goat until he is very angry. Then learn what happens.

MELISSA
How about you just tell me what the minimum threshold is?

[Error chime]

VICKI 3

I’m sorry,

DIFFERENT VOICE

“climb high mountain until I find big mountain goat, then stand by edge of cliff and throw little rocks at goat until he is very angry then learn what happens”

VICKI 3

…is not one of our offerings.

YELENA

[Laughs menacingly. You will learn!

VICKI 3

How may I help you today?

YELENA

Once and for all!

VICKI 2

With the additional five hundred dollar new card fee, this brings your total for today to

DIFFERENT VOICE

one thousand

VICKI 2

dollars.

VICKI 1
Commuter cash may be added to your Prole Pass in increments of

DIFFERENT VOICE

250

VICKI 1

…dollars

DIFFERENT VOICE

500

VICKI 1

…dollars

DIFFERENT VOICE

1,000

VICKI 1

…dollars, or

DIFFERENT VOICE

10,000.

VICKI 1

…dollars. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

WANDA

Christ, fuck no, I ain’t paying you a thousand fucking dollars!

MELISSA

Those are terrible options!

[Error chime]

VICKI 1

I’m sorry,

DIFFERENT VOICE

“a thousand fucking”

VICKI 1

…dollars is not a recognized quantity. How much would you like to add to your Prole Pass?

MELISSA

You’re listening to the wrong person! Cancel transaction!

[Error chime]

VICKI 1 & 2 SLIGHTLY OUT OF SYNC

I’m sorry, once this transaction has been initiated, it cannot be cancelled.

WANDA

What!

VICKI 2

Thank you…

THE AUTOMATED VOICE
Wanda McIntosh

VICKI 2

…your transaction is complete. Please take your credit card and Prole Pass.

WANDA

I…I ain’t gonna be able to pay my rent now.

YELENA

We should flip ticket machine like car after baseball game.

WANDA

Yeah. Yeah! We should do that!

MELISSA
What? No! No you shouldn’t!

[They both move toward the central machine–Melissa’s.]

WANDA

You get that side…

YELENA
Da, da.

MELISSA

Ladies, please don’t do this.

WANDA
Okay.

MELISSA

I’m meeting with a mayor in an official capacity!

YELENA

From back corner, yes?

MELISSA

I can’t be in the middle of a riot!

WANDA
That’ll do the job.

[They are rocking the machine.]

MELISSA

This is not helping the situation!

WANDA

Hey, lady, you should stand back. This shit’s heavy.

YELENA

You would not like to be crushed under tool of oppressor.

MELISSA

Okay, standing back.

[The machine crashes to the ground.]

YELENA

Ohhhh!

WANDA

Fuckin’ A!

MELISSA
Oh boy.

YELENA
Machine, cancel transaction and give back card.

VICKI 3

Transaction cancelled.

[It ejects Yelena’s card.]

WANDA
Hey, we’d better cheese it.

YELENA

Yes, let us run now.

[They run.]

MELISSA (defeated)

We’re supposed to discuss converting decommissioned bumper cars into self-driving Cambridge to Wonderland taxis.

VICKI 1 (Voice distorted by damage and facing directly down into the concrete)

Excellent! I will be happy to add

DIFFERENT VOICE

10,000

VICKI 1

…dollars in Commuter Cash to your Prole Pass.

MELISSA
WHAT???

VICKI 1

Thank you…

DIFFERENT VOICE
Melissa Weatherby

VICKI 1

…your transaction is complete. Please take your credit card and Prole Pass.

[The machine grinds as it attempts to eject the cards, but it is face down on the ground.]

MELISSA
I can’t.

[Environment fades into corporate muzak.]

CREDITS

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This episodes features:

  • Tanja Milojevic as the Vocally Interactive Commuter Kiosk Innovation (VICKI)
  • Tanja Milojevic as Melissa Weatherby (she/her)
  • Tanja Milojevic as Wand McIntosh (she/her)
  • and Tanja Milojevic as Yelena Sergeivich (she/her)

Charlie on the MTA is recorded by Emily Peteron and Dirk Tiede

[Music fades]

COOKIE

YELENA

[Menacing laughter.] Da, da. People like me, we make no money, but we clean! We know how to garden, we know how to dig! And dig, and dig and…what, these rich people, they don’t know shit! Don’t know shit. Is proletariat. Working class. All us people at bottom of when the empty well…with no cows…and all of the money and all of the trouble. No cows in well. Not fit. They do not fit.

Content Warnings

  • Strong Language
  • Financial insecurity
  • Classism
  • Uncooperative computers
  • Vandalism

Transcript for Mini Episode: Assistant 3

INTRO

[Charlie on the MTA plays.]

VOICES

This is…

This is…

This is…

Greater Boston

[Music fades.]

[A baseball game plays on the radio in the background.]

[Phone rings]

BRUCE

Hello? Yeah, this is Bruce Bosley. Uh huh. Yeah, we’ve got an appointment now, don’t we? Right. Well, why don’t you tell me where you are, and maybe I can… No, I realize you don’t know exactly where you are. Let’s try this–tell me what you see around you. Parking garage. Okay, that’s a good sign. What else? Okay, yeah, I know where you are. Turn left and go up the ramp. There should be an elevator right there. No, not a utility closet, an elevator. You went the wrong way.

[The radio clicks off]

Turn around, go back the exact opposite direction. You see the ramp? Good. Now, how about the elevator? There you go! Go up to the fourth floor, my office is right there, you can’t miss it. No, seriously, you can’t miss it. I’m telling you, there’s nowhere else to go. Fine, I’ll stay on the line with you. As soon as the elevator opens, you’ll see my door. In fact, if I come open the door right now…

[Bruce stands and crosses the room.]

BRUCE

I’ll probably find you standing…

[He opens the door on Vincenzo]

VINCENZO

Whoah!

BRUCE

…right there.

VINCENZO

That was pretty cool!

[A tiny echo of Bruce’s voice is heard through Vincenzo’s phone.]

BRUCE
Can we hang up the phones now? I’m pretty sure you can find your way from here to the chair across the room.

VINCENZO

Yeah, thanks.

[Hangs up phone.]

It’s just, any time someone says “you can’t miss it” I kinda panic a little, because I know that I *can* miss it, and if you tell me that I *can’t* miss it, that pretty much guarantees that I *will* miss it. You know? That’s like…every time.

BRUCE

Why don’t we sit down and talk about the position you’re applying for?

VINCENZO

Sure!

[They take seats.]

BRUCE

So. Vincenzo, right?

VINCENZO

That’s me!

BRUCE

And you’re interested in coming to work for the Red Line Yard Goats as my personal assistant?

VINCENZO

Well, sure.

BRUCE
You a baseball fan?

VINCENZO

Definitely!

BRUCE
Who’s your team?

VINCENZO
Oh, I’m all for the Reds.

BRUCE

The Red Sox, sure.

VINCENZO

Naw, not the Red Sox–the Reds! Cincinnati!

BRUCE
Ohio! Alright. Why the Reds over the Indians?

VINCENZO
Well, I always went to games with my mom. She loves baseball more than almost anything. But she told me how the Indians have got this racist cartoon thing for a mascot, and she always told me how “we don’t support app…appro…

BRUCE

Appropriation?

VINCENZO

That’s it! “We don’t support appropriationative racist caricature in this house.”

BRUCE
Alright, I respect that.

VINCENZO

Oh! You don’t have anything like that with this team, do you? Where like the name sounds cute, but then you see it and it’s actually like…”whoah! Racist!”

BRUCE

Are you asking me if “Yard Goat” is a racial slur?

VINCENZO

I mean…it could be? You never know.

BRUCE
Our mascot is a goat. Just…a literal goat. Eating a baseball bat.

VINCENZO

Oh, okay. Cool. 

BRUCE

Now, you worked in the mayor’s office as an assistant for Charlotte Linzer Coolidge for…this says two months?

VINCENZO

Yeah, it was kind of a temp thing. She was already on her way out when I got hired. Her assistant before me went to work for the other nice lady running for mayor after Ms. Linzer-Coolidge dropped out of the race. I was just there kinda to shut things down.

BRUCE
That’s fair. Can’t hold that against you. What kinds of responsibilities did you have in that position?

VINCENZO

Well, you know. Like, filing, and answering the phone, and making calendars. That kind of thing.

BRUCE

What do you feel you accomplished in that position? If you had to pick one thing, what was your biggest achievement?

VINCENZO

Uh…well, I found my dad!

BRUCE
Okay. Sure. That sounds…well, I guess I should say congratulations…

VINCENZO
Thanks!

BRUCE

…but that’s not exactly work-related.

VINCENZO

Naw, I guess not.

BRUCE

And it sounds like you were probably making use of work resources for personal purposes.

VINCENZO

Yeah, that part worked out real well.

BRUCE
Right. So…I already called your references. I spoke to Ms. Linzer-Coolidge.

VINCENZO
Cool, how’s she doing? Must be weird living out in that amusement park. I guess maybe not as weird as living on a train. She’s sure lived some weird places, huh? I don’t think the rides are even working anymore, but I guess maybe they could fix them up. Free corndogs though!

BRUCE
Yeah. I didn’t really ask about any of that. But she seemed fine. We talked more about you.

VINCENZO

Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.

BRUCE

And when I asked her how you were as a worker, she told me–and I’m quoting here–”Vincenzo…” She paused for a bit there, to think about it. “Vincenzo…always tries his best.”

VINCENZO
Well, that’s true! I absolutely do. I always try my best.

BRUCE
That’s…that’s good. But…Vincenzo, are you familiar with the idiom “damning with faint praise?”

VINCENZO

Naww.

BRUCE
Okay. I’m gonna encourage you to look that up when you get home. It, uh…it’ll probably be relevant to a lot of situations for you, I think.

VINCENZO

Oh. Okay. Hang on, I’d better write that down.

[Takes out pen and paper.]

What was that again?

BRUCE
Damning…

VINCENZO
Damning…

BRUCE

…with faint praise.

VINCENZO

…with faint… is that “faint” like passing out, or “feint” like faking someone out with a sword? 

BRUCE

Uh…the first one, I think. That’s not really a question I expected.

VINCENZO

“Faint praise.” Okay, got it. I’ll google that as soon as I’m home.

BRUCE
Good. Good. Now, Vincenzo, I’m gonna be honest with you. I don’t think this position here with The Yard Goats is gonna work out.

VINCENZO

Awww….

BRUCE

But…you know Pizza Ghost is hiring, right? I think that might be a…better fit for you. I’ve even got a buddy managing the new franchise going in at South Station. I can make a call for you, if you’d like.

VINCENZO

Sure! Thank you.

BRUCE
Okay. I’ll do that. Thanks again for coming in today.

[Vincenzo exits awkwardly.]

Oof. Nice kid, though. Let’s see, who’s next? Lily…of the Small Urban Community Garden? Yeesh. This is gonna be a looong day.

[Charlie on the MTA plays.]

CREDITS

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

You can support us on Patreon at http://www.Patreon.com/greaterboston.

Cast

This episode featured:

  • Kenny Garcia as Bruce Bosley (he/him)
  • and Chad Ellis as Vincenzo Wellington (he/him)

Music

Charlie on the MTA is recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede.

Contact

Find us online at GreaterBostonShow.com.

Follow us on Twitter @InGreater Boston.

Content notes:

  • Damning with faint praise
  • Brief reference to racist caricature.

COOKIE

CHAD

…do not trust myself to get it right the first time. So! Elevator…

[mic bump and clatter of objects falling.]

There goes my water. Okay.

A production of ThirdSight Media LLC.

Transcript for Mini Episode: You’ve Gotta Be Sittin’ Me 2

EMILY PETERSON
Alright. One, two, th–

[Demo version of Charlie on the MTA plays]

 

VOICE 1
This is…

VOICE 2

This is…

VOICE 3
This is…

VOICE 4
Greater Boston. 

[Phone ringing. Blip/beep]

LOUISA ALVAREZ [Voice message] – Julia Propp

Hi, this is Louisa Alvarez. I’m not available at the moment but will return your calls within 24 hours.

[Longer beep]

GEMMA LINZER-COOLIDGELydia Anderson [Phone filter]

Hey. It’s me. Your old pal. Gemma. Gem-dawg. G to the emma. Are you like screening your calls or something? You know I went to fight the good fight against capitalism and fascism and robots and capitalist-fascist-robots, right? This phone call could be an emergency, or the last time you’ve ever heard from me! What, you afraid I’m gonna ask you to break the law again? That was only when we were cops! Now that I’m an actual law breaker there’s no way in hell I’m doing that.

I probably shouldn’t say all this over the phone.

Anyway, I was curious if you could babysit for us. Charlotte and I need to see each other bad. A normal dinner. Out. Away from…trains and hippy city carousels. We don’t even care if you wanna take Monty out on another investigation adventure. Why not, right? He loved it last time, wouldn’t stop farting about it for days. Hey, ask Michael! You guys would be a dynamic duo. Okay, call me back and let me know either way. If you can’t do it, I guess I could just ask him. Thanks!

[Beep]

[Sound of a rocking chair, cooing toddler]

MICHAEL TATEJames Oliva (singing to tune of ‘hush little baby;)

…And if that mayor takes off one day, mama’s gonna run Red Line her way…

…And if that city’s run on trains, mama’s gonna need all of her brains…

…And if she resigns because it’s too much, Red Line’s gonna be run by a …lady who sucks…

LOUISA (whispering, chastising)

Michael!

MICHAEL (whispering)
Sorry.

…And when that city starts to fall apart, people gonna run to an amusement park…

LOUISA (whispering, simultaneously)

Hey…hey!

MICHAEL (whispering)
Hey! 

…And when that lady screws up a lot, she’s …gonna…. install a buncha cheese robots…

LOUISA (whispering)

He’s asleep! You’re good! 

MICHAEL (whispering)

Okay. I don’t – I don’t. I think if I just move right now it’s going to seriously going to undermine everything…

LOUISA (whispering)

Shift…shift him into my arms. 

MICHAEL (whispering)

This is one of those moments in the movies when you need to hand off the package. It’s giong to seem like I’m moving at a very slow pace. 

LOUISA (whispering)

Just just just. Okay. Here. One, two, three…

MICHAEL
…and a half, okay. 

[Delicate moving, lots of whispered commands like, ‘careful, move your arm there, shift your weight, hold on!’ Etc]

[Monty stirs, LOUISA and MICHAEL inhale sharply]

[LOUISA lowers him into bed. It’s like a bomb is about to go off. Slight toddler cooing / whimpering, settling down, sleeping]

[LOUISA and MICHAEL exhale slowly and leave the room].

MICHAEL

Raising kids is hard, I guess. Not sure I’m cut out for this.

LOUISA
You did just fine.

MICHAEL
You know, I was going to sing Rock-a-bye-baby. But then I thought about the lyrics to that thing? Like, they could make a horror movie out of that. They’re gonna adapt it soon. And turn it into its own franchise about children falling from the trees and crashing to the ground. 

LOUISA (laughing)
Totally could.

MICHAEL
It’s frightening actually.

LOUISA (laughing)

You’re – you’re really good with kids, you know?

MICHAEL

Oh. Thanks. I guess. I’ve always gotten along with them.

LOUISA

Do you want them? I mean not now. You know, some day?

MICHAEL

I…think so. Yeah. I don’t know. I guess so. It kinda – go back and forth on that a little bit. What – okay well what about you? What do you — ?

LOUISA

Oh. No no, not for me. 

MICHAEL

Oh, that’s cool.

LOUISA (chuckles)

Hahahaha.

 

MICHAEL

…what?

LOUISA

You don’t usually hear just like, “cool,” after you say you don’t want kids. People, you know, they get weird about it.

MICHAEL
Oh. Yeah. I could see that, sure. I guess. I mean – I’m assuming it’s important in a relationship, you and Wendell talked about it, right?

LOUISA
Eh, a little bit. He’s – what he says is having children doesn’t seem like something you can be wishy-washy about.

MICHAEL
Oh yeah, you – you can’t just be like on the fence about it, you gotta you know, sure.

LOUISA
And and and …truly, he (laughs) he wouldn’t admit this? But he pretty much thinks his songs are his children.

MICHAEL (shocked laughter)
Louisa!

LOUISA
He’s such a goober. He’s such a GOOBER! The funny thing is, I – I don’t know, I kinda love it when he says shit like this. I mean, his sincerity.

MICHAEL
Aww.

LOUISA
Okay, I don’t wanna talk about it. I don’t wanna – changing the subject. Nope no no. Changing subjects!  (Goes to grab a present) Here. I got you something.

MICHAEL
What, no, you didn’t have to do anything – 

LOUISA
Why do people say that? It’s a gift. You never *have* to give anyone a gift. 

MICHAEL
I mean it’s not my birthday or anything. 

LOUISA
Michael — 

LOUISA
Sometimes it’s more about the giver than the person getting gifted. 

MICHAEL

Oh. (thinking) Ohhh.

LOUISA

Okay, look, uhh. I got a letter from you last week. The one you told me you wrote before…before Dimitri — 

MICHAEL

Yes.

LOUISA

I …couldn’t open it. 

MICHAEL

Why?

LOUISA

I …don’t want to know that version of you.

MICHAEL

What version of me?

LOUISA

The person who almost…who I couldn’t have…(pause) Do you know how much it bothers me that I couldn’t find you?

MICHAEL

Louisa, I didn’t want to be found. Not for a while, anyway.

[On Golden Responsibilities plays]

LOUISA

Michael, you almost died. I almost *lost* you. I couldn’t find you and I hate that you were right there, struck in that stupid office the whole fucking time and you seem surprisingly calm about the whole thing And I can’t just check the mail and read a letter from that version of you, the version I not only couldn’t find, but couldn’t save. Like …like if the worst happened, that version of you would be stuffed into my mailbox rubber-banded, mixed in with bills and insurance ads and Market Basket coupons. 

MICHAEL

I’m sorry. I…I wouldn’t have written it if I thought…I mean, if I didn’t think —

LOUISA

I know.

MICHAEL

I wanted to say goodbye. 

LOUISA

But I can’t hear that now. Because you’re here. And I need you to be here a little longer before I even begin to introduce myself to the version who almost wasn’t. 

MICHAEL

I know I might seem like none of what happened bothered me? Part of that is just putting on a brave face, you know? And part of it is just being grateful that I’m still here. Part of it is just not wanting to burden anyone with how I feel about it. Because it’s complicated. As much as I regret what happened at the end, I needed to be alone for a little while. I needed to figure out how to continue without…well, without. Without — 

LOUISA

Leon?

MICHAEL

Yeah. I kinda just need to find my own way, you know?

LOUISA

I understand wanting to find your own way. But as much as it pains me to say it, nobody ever finds much of anything on their own. (Pause) You can let go of him a little while hanging on to parts of him that are important. I did. 

MICHAEL

I’m afraid that — I’m afraid the temptation will be too great. It kills me that he’s still out there in some form but — but if I were to try and interact with him?

LOUISA

I know.

MICHAEL

I’m sure it sounds crazy.

LOUISA

It doesn’t. I believe you. 

MICHAEL

Those letters. They were the last things I wrote. They had a purpose. And ever since what happened? I’ve been having a hard time finding that again. It feels like I got too close to the end, got infected with…not existing. Nothing seems as important as it once did. I mean, the Underground needs me, but I come into the office every day and sit at the computer and poke at the keyboard and eventually play solitaire. I have to keep busy, I have to keep my mind occupied. But …but part of my writing method before was all about channeling Leon. Even if I only keep some elements of that method and expand on it, I need to do that in a way that makes sense for me. On my own. A way I’m going to like. And that’s been hard. 

LOUISA

Well. Open this. Maybe this will help give you a little direction. 

[Michael opens present, pulls out a piece of clothing – Trencoat theme plays]

MICHAEL

Oh…oh my god. A new trench coat. It’s beautiful! 

LOUISA

I know you lost your last one in the Octobacle. And I know you were attached to it. You need to get out there and shake some people down. Get some information. Have some conversations. Start some investigations. Find some stuff out. And then the writing will hopefully come out of that. (Pause). I’ll help if you want.

MICHAEL

You already have. (Sniffs away tears) I love it. I love it so much. Thank you, Louisa. 

LOUISA
Just don’t get yourself lost again, okay? And if you do, give me better clues to help me find you. And nothing in Klingon! Deal?

MICHAEL
Pagh lay’ chenmoH jIH!

LOUISA
Uh, yeah. Speaking of which, there’s a new season of Discovery that came out while you were away. Shall we catch up while the kiddo sleeps?

MICHAEL
Uhh, sure. But I haven’t watched the first season yet. 

LOUISA
Really? Just too busy?

MICHAEL
I’ve uhh — yeah, to be perfectly honest, I was never really into Star Trek.

LOUISA
You’re kidding me.

MICHAEL
No?

LOUISA
So not only did you learn a fake alien language from a TV show, you learned a fake alien language from a TV show you don’t even *watch?*

MICHAEL
There were only so many books in Oliver’s office. I read them all. A lot! I didn’t realize you were a fan?

LOUISA
I wasn’t. But you sent your Klingon tube, and we went to the convention to nab Phil. And I had to do research for intel and figured you were a fan anyway so I watched a bunch of episodes and imagined us checking out the new ones together once you were back so then ended up getting super into it and I even like imagined you reacting to certain surprising twists in the episodes and — and — oh, you’ve gotta be shitting me!

MICHAEL
You’re welcome?

LOUISA
Laughter. 

CREDITSAlexander Danner
GreaterBoston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon. 

This episode episode featured performances by:

  • Julia Propp as Louisa Alvarez
  • Lydia Anderson as Gemma Linzer-Coolidge
  • and James Oliva as Michael Tate

Charlie on the MTA recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede. 

On Questions of Discipline and the Naivete of Flowers (Act 1) by Lloyd Rogers

Trenchcoat Theme by Jeff Van Dreason and Jim Johanson

Space Voyage theme by Eli McIlveen

Transcripts are available online at greaterbostonshow.com

COOKIE

James Oliva (singing to tune of ‘hush little baby in a Tom Waits impression)

…And if that mayor takes off one day, mama’s gonna run Red Line her way…

…And if that city’s run on trains, mama’s gonna need all of her brains…

…And if she resigns because it’s too much, Red Line’s gonna be run by a …lady who sucks…

JULIA PROPP (giggling)

Michael!

JAMES OLIVA (whispering)

…And when that city starts to fall apart, people gonna run to an amusement park…

…And when that lady screws up a lot, she’s …gonna…. install a buncha cheese robots…

JEFF VAN DREASON
The funny thing is, this really sounds like a Tom Waits song.

ALEXANDER DANNER
I know!

ALL
(Laughter)

Transcript for The Stamatis Family News Hour

THE STAMATIS FAMILY NEWS HOUR – Transcript

DANA FARBER PROMO COLD-OPEN

[“Train Jam” plays in the background]

ALEXANDER
Hey Greater Bostonians. A few years ago, cast member Michael Melia was diagnosed with cancer. Michael thankfully beat the disease, but ever since then, he’s been raising money for the Dana-Farber Cancer institute in order to help other people still struggling with their cancer. And this year, he’s running the Boston Marathon on behalf of Dana-Farber, and he’s having a big fundraising party to help the cause.

Join us at BitBar in Salem, Massachusetts on Thursday, March 12, from 4 to 10pm, for food, games, and fundraising. All night long, 10% of all food purchases will go toward Dana-Farber. And that’s not all! Sign up to enter a MarioKart tournament and try your luck in our opportunity drawing for a great North Shore gift basket. All proceeds and donations will also go to Dana-Farber. 

Plenty of us from Greater Boston will be there, so if you ever dreamed of facing down GB creators and cast members in your favorite arcade game, please swing by, and we’ll see you there! And if you’d like to support Michael and Dana-Farber in their efforts to fight cancer, please check the link to donate in the show notes. Thank you!

[Train Jam fades out]

EMILY PETERSON
Alright. One, two, th–

[Demo version of Charlie on the MTA plays]

Continue reading “Transcript for The Stamatis Family News Hour”

Transcript for Mini: The Brief, Bright Teatime of the Heart

EMILY PETERSON
Alright. One, two, th–

[Demo version of Charlie on the MTA plays]

VOICE 1
This is…

VOICE 2
This is…

VOICE 3
This is…

VOICE 4
Greater Boston. 

[Tea shop door opens. Footsteps. Soothing music plays. Tea is stirred. Tea is sipped. A door opens and Gemma and Freed Friend approach.]

GEMMA LINZER-COOLIDGE – [Lydia Anderson]
Tyrell. Hi.

TYRELL FREDERICKS – [Arun Sannuti]

Hi…oh! Dipshit!

FREED FRIEND POLETTI – [James Capobianco]
Hello Tyrell.

GEMMA
It’s Freed now. Freed, uh…Friend. I mentioned I was meeting you, and he asked to come. I hope you don’t mind.

TYRELL
No, it’s…fine? You two talk now?

GEMMA
Not on the regular. But it happens.

FREED
A lot has happened.

Continue reading “Transcript for Mini: The Brief, Bright Teatime of the Heart”

Transcript for Episode 38: The Voice In Your Head

COLD OPEN

CHUCK OCTAGON – JEFF VAN DREASON

Who are you? And Why are you here?

INTERVIEW

Um. So…I personally like to get a degree in mechanical engineering technology. I always liked working on things like robotics. I always liked tinkering with things, since I was very young. I think it started when I was five.

[Charlie on the MTA plays]

CHUCK
I don’t even just mean the college. I mean like…on Earth. In this life.

INTERVIEW

Oh. [laughter.] Oh my god! I haven’t thought about that kind of thing really deeply really, but I just know for a fact that I just like…building things. But um…yeah.

Continue reading “Transcript for Episode 38: The Voice In Your Head”

Transcript for Episode 37: King Nero and the Great George Wombwell

COLD OPEN

INTERVIEW 1

We moved my parents out of my home, my childhood home, because it was so dilapidated that it just wasn’t safe for them to live there anymore. That was gone, and that home meant a lot to me, and created who I am today. And I just went back recently, and the house was torn down, which I knew, but it had turned into a lot filled with trees and bushes and hedges, and it became almost like a jungle or a park. And we just happened to go by when they were tearing down all the trees.

[Charlie on the MTA plays.]

CHUCK

Ohhh.

INTERVIEW 1

So now it’s just a big empty lot. A guy’s gonna build there. I think he’s probably a speculator. That he’s gonna build and sell. And I always thought maybe I could make it back, maybe I could make it into a park dedicated to my parents. But now its…it’s done.

Continue reading “Transcript for Episode 37: King Nero and the Great George Wombwell”