COLD OPEN CHUCK OCTAGON — Jeff Van Dreason What’s your favorite historical fact or story about Boston history? Male Interview 1 The…Boston Tea Party I think it was? When they dumped the tea in the…in the uhh…ocean? Chuck Octagon Mmhmm.
Male Interview 1 So I like that one. And because why is because they relate it to a game? Assasin’s Creed?
[Charlie on the MTA begins playing]
So I…I they…they like you know kinda made — moderate it, kinda? So I kinda [indistinguishable] I really liked it, so. You know kinda I…I remembered it.
Chuck Octagon Be honest with me. Is the first time you learned about the Boston Tea Party, was it through Assasin’s Creed?
[Ambient noises and jazz drones and play throughout fade up. Someone handwriting a letter. A typewriter. A computer. The typewriter jumps to a new line, producing a ding].
STAY JUICY IN ST JOHN — Ryan Estrada
I have a very strong distaste for raisins, craisins, blaisins, plaisins, cherraisins, banaisins and other such “humiliated fruits,” as they’re called here in Canada. Is it possible that I choked to death on a piece of fruitcake in a former life?
[Music fades out]
[Music: Tosa Waltz]
MALLORY — JOHANNA BODNYK First off, you gotta know about this fucking guy named Leon, the human equivalent of a grandfather clock. If you came up to me and were like “Mallory, you can take a bet on anything in the world and if you win get one million dollars and if you lose we take all your animals away to a puppy mill, what do you wanna bet on,” I’d probably bet that Leon measured the exact number of bran flakes for every breakfast he ever ate. And he sure as shit ate brain flakes because he was sure to know when his shit was sure to hit, if you know what I mean. If nothing else, that motherfucker was regular.