COLD OPEN

Casey Callaghan
(Boston accent)

Any particular…particular…

[Forgive Red Line theme kicks in]

 

CASEY
Dude I’ve only been here two days. The accent’s already got me wicked hard. 

 

VOICES
FORGIVE

FORGIVE
FORGIVE

Red Line…

 

CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTORS

[St. Ethan’s continues to ride through Red Line. A crowd chatters as they await their confessions with Father Ben.UNDERGROUND NEWS intro]

 

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason

Welcome back to St. Ethan’s Cathedral where, if you’re just joining us, my co-host and I are live-interviewing the eager confessors here to unburden their souls on their afternoon commute.

 

Nichole Fonzarelli—Kristen DiMercurio

And here we are with our very own Isabelle Powell, ex-Red-Line-mayoral-candidate-turned-Wonderland-community-leader. Could you tell us, Izzy, what made you brave the Red Line mandate currently barring all participants in your political demonstrations from entering the city?

 

Isabelle Powell—Jessica Washington [chuckling]

 

I’m certainly not here to give up my hard-earned secrets to one of Legion’s patented home listening devices. That’s for sure.

 

Chuck

Don’t you mean home assistants?

 

Isabelle
I know what I said.

 

Nichole [amused]

 

I won’t deny being a smidge skeptical when I first heard Mayor Bespin’s pitch for the priest being a robot, nor was I surprised at all when it broke down after only two confessions.

 

Isabelle

Those Bespins sure do love their shiny new toys, don’t they? Let’s just say the only reason I’m still here is to share a kind word with the fellow who ensured my friends and I entry into this church despite the Mayor’s protests.

 

Chuck

I must admit, I’m not surprised that you’re a woman of faith, but I’d never have taken you for a Catholic. What’s weighing on you on this fine Sunday afternoon?

 

Nichole [clearing her throat, concerned]

Chuck-o—

 

Isabelle [still amused]

 

As far as I understand it, Mr. Octagon, any of the things I may or may not have to share with that man come from a private place that will remain between me, him, and God themself. But I admire your commitment to the pursuit of truth, wherever you can find it.

 

Chuck [proud]

 

Thank you, Ms. Powell. That sure means a lot, coming from you—

 

Nichole [interrupting]

And there you have it, folks! Red Lineans and Greater Bostonians alike continue to gather in this rather modest cathedral, awaiting their chance to confess their sins, their hopes, and their dreams in the name of their own private bond with God and faith, in spite of unfettered capitalism.

 

[The perspective shifts from the busy line back into the small, cramped train-confessional booth.]

 

FORGIVE MELISSA

 

Melissa Weatherby—Tanja Milojevich
Oh, uh, hi. 

 

Father Ben—Casey Callaghan

Hello. How long has it been since your last confession?

 

Melissa

Confess—Oh, I don’t… I’m not… I’m just trying to—

 

Father Ben

Commute, sure, sure. Getting a lot of that today. 

 

Melissa

Actually, I really shouldn’t be here. I’m definitely not welcome in the city. I sort of ran in here after things broke up.

 

Father Ben

You were part of the demonstration?

 

Melissa
Yeah.

 

Father Ben

Well, everyone is welcome when it comes to the Church.

 

Melissa
I am fairly sure Emily Bespin would have some choice disagreements on that front.

 

Father Ben

Well, the mayor is not a priest. And the church has a long history of providing sanctuary to those doing the right thing.

 

Melissa

Sanctuary is exactly what I need right now.

 

Father Ben

As far as I’m able, I’ll make sure you get where you’re going safely as long as it’s in this Church… Car. 

 

Melissa

Thank you. It’s been a long day. And it’s only just starting!

 

Father Ben

Do you want to talk about it?

 

Melissa
I don’t know… I’m not exactly Catholic.

 

Father Ben

I’m here to listen to whoever needs it. It sounds like you might. 

 

Melissa
Um. Well. [Beat.] I’m… tired, Father. Really, really tired. An aching, burning exhaustion I feel in the marrow of my bones, in the depths of my soul, that I don’t know how to shake. God, that sounds dramatic, but it is how I’ve been feeling lately. 

 

Father Ben

That sounds hard.

 

Melissa
It isn’t great. But that’s the problem: it shouldn’t be this hard. I’m in politics, well, I guess, community engagement by way of politics at this point. And I know the grind. That’s what this job is all about. And I’m not the kind of person who can waste time feeling like this.

 

Father Ben

Hmmm. Can you unpack that a little for me?

 

Melissa

There’s just… so much to do. Like, it’s insane how much needs to be done, all the time! And I’m really one of only a handful of people who can do these really particular things. And I like what I do. I love it. It’s why I get up in the morning. It fills me up. This work gives me a depth of joy I never even knew was possible, even with all the varying shades of complexity.

 

Father Ben

You really seem to have a calling. 

 

Melissa

In a way, yeah, I guess, I guess I do. But that’s what makes me so… angry at myself!

 

Father Ben

Angry?

 

MELISSA
I mean, yeah! This stupid human body with all its physical needs and narrow emotional bandwidth. I just want to keep powering through. I have to keep powering through. My community needs me, but I don’t know if I can keep it up. The dread sort of creeps into everything, you know? I’ve even started having utility-based nightmares. They’re—they’re terrible. I can’t get out of them. I can’t wake up. I… I…

 

Father Ben
That sounds distressing… and oddly specific.

 

Melissa
You don’t even know the half of it. I just don’t want to let everyone down. I don’t want to let myself down. I don’t want—I don’t want everything we’ve been working toward to fall apart because I didn’t have the will to push a little bit farther.

 

Father Ben

It sounds like you’re being very hard on yourself.

 

Melissa
I don’t know any other way to be.

 

Father Ben

Have you ever considered that if you take care of yourself now it will do a world of good later? The whole putting-on-your-oxygen-mask-before-helping-others thing?

 

Melissa
Like on a plane?

 

Father Ben

Like on a plane. As much as you berate your “stupid human body,” we’re all human. And there’s only so much we can do, so much we can take. 

 

Melissa
I mean, I know that.

 

Father Ben
You may know that intellectually, but I’m not sure you feel it. Why are you so special that you don’t have to rest?

 

Melissa
I—I, I mean—I’m not, I—

 

Father Ben

I’m not trying to back you into a corner here. I’m just saying you, too, deserve the chance for a little grace, to take care and come back into whatever you need to do stronger than before. You get to have that too. 

 

Melissa
Well, I…. Hmm. That’s, uh, certainly something to think about. That’s… kind of you to say. 

 

Father Ben

It’s the truth. I hope you take it to heart.

 

Melissa
I… I’ll try. 

 

Father Ben
That’s all we can do.

 

FORGIVE ISABELLE 

Father Ben—Casey CallaghanGood afternoon. How long has it been since your last confession?

Isabelle Powell—Jessica Washington
Oohh, dear. Long enough for me to be embarrassed, and too long to remember.

Father Ben
Best guess?

Isabelle
Twenty-one years. 

Father Ben
That seems awfully specific for someone who doesn’t remember.

Isabelle
I can’t be certain I went to confession, but I was attending church a lot back then.

Father Ben
Any particular reason?

 

[Battle Hymn of the Republic blues version begins playing and builds as Isabelle continues speaking, louder as she gets angry]

Isabelle
I was facing some pretty serious losses. So… funerals. And then… looking for direction.

Father Ben
Did you find it?

Isabelle
I found a direction in church, but not one I particularly liked. I should also warn you I’m not Catholic.

Father Ben
That’s okay. All are welcome here.

Isabelle
Hmm. Yes. So I hear. A surprising development in Red Line.

Father Ben
Hopefully a positive one.

Isabelle
In some ways.

Father Ben
Why don’t you tell me what you’re here to confess?

Isabelle
Tell me, Father. Do you think partaking in a smaller sin to expose a much larger one is a worthy pursuit?

Father Ben
It depends on how you look at it. I think it’s dangerous to view sin as something on a spectrum.

Isabelle
But surely there are worse sins than others.

Father Ben
Unquestionably. But once you start judging them—especially in other people—you open yourself up to judgment, which is one of the worst sins imaginable.

Isabelle
So I…I am not to judge. I am meant to just… ignore the large sins all around me and stick to fixing my own. Right?

Father Ben
Mmm, no, there are times to act out against sin.

Isabelle
Hm. “And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the money changers, and the seats of them that sold doves, And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but you have made it a den of thieves.”

Father Ben
Matthew 21.

Isabelle
Is it strange that this was my favorite part of the Gospel growing up? Finally. Some real human emotion. Anger. Something that flirts with sin itself, even. Something humanizing. Jesus snaps. Growing up, I felt like snapping like that all the time.

Father Ben
It is very relatable.

Isabelle
In some ways. I always had a problem with why he was angry. There was so much injustice all around Christ that he seemingly accepted peacefully. And the temple being used is what sets him off? Now why do you think that is?

Father Ben
I’m not sure I’d say he accepted anything. He ended up changing the entire world, after all.

Isabelle
By giving up.

Father Ben
No. Through forgiveness.

Isabelle
And what am I supposed to do with that? Let the Romans walk all over me, leave me with lashes until I’m broken and bloodied while I plead with God and say they know not what they do? I don’t believe that. They know exactly what they’re doing. And part of my anger is rooted in feeling like this whole thing is designed to keep my righteousness in check. Turn the other cheek, forgive, while the den of thieves goes on dancin’ on my back. Now I ask you. What did Christ change? The Romans are still in power, more powerful than ever. But their great trick is that they learned to use your book to teach forgiveness to those they continually mistreat while making the whole world—not just the temple—everywhere—into their personal little sacrilegious marketplace, and everyone in it are nothing but items, commodities, things, which can be bought and sold. What about that can I forgive, Father? How can I forgive myself if I do?

 

[Blues version ends]

Father Ben
[Sighs.] No. You’re not wrong to feel anger. You’re human. But if you act on that anger, in a negative way, in a malicious way, would you be able to forgive yourself then?

Isabelle
What’s my malice compared to the maliciousness pulling the strings to hurt the world? And if I can use my malice to cut those strings, shouldn’t I? You tell me, how did you react this morning when you saw the Bespins forcing people out of the sanctuary of a church?

Father Ben
It did make me angry.

Isabelle
Did you act on that anger?

Father Ben
I think you know the answer to that.

Isabelle
And yet still you sit and serve this city. A stranger who recognizes all that’s wrong with it.

Father Ben

I serve the Church. I serve people. I serve you. All are welcome here, remember? The pursuit of goodness and peace through faith.

Isabelle
A sanctuary inside a prohibitive fortress. All are welcome. Sure.

Father Ben
Let me ask you something. Would you have me be dedicated to something other than what I am?

Isabelle
I’d have you dedicate yourself to justice.

Father Ben
And I feel I am. Those people you sent this morning—would you rather I not help them?

Isabelle

Heh. There was press there this morning. If you not being there, you not helping them, brings attention to those rotten Red Line Romans? Yes! I’d rather you not. Don’t get me wrong, it’s admirable, what you did. I’m glad they were able to get inside. But what happens when you leave? What happens when you use your version of justice as a guest, in the service of all that’s wrong?

Father Ben
You can’t ask me to be something I’m not.

Isabelle
Yes I can. Because the book you use asks me that every day.

Father Ben
It asks with the understanding of who its audience is. Humans. Imperfect people. Trying their best.

Isabelle
Father? You try very hard. And you’ve made a good impression on me. But some people try harder than others. And a whole bunch of people don’t try at all. And I’m tired, so damn tired, of waiting on them to try while they use my back for nothing but to step into their overpriced rail-homes. 

Father Ben
You still haven’t confessed to anything.

Isabelle
Yes I did. And you called me out. I organized that demonstration this morning. And I’m sorry it wasn’t the truth.

Father Ben
I’m sorry I prevented it from being a bigger story.

Isabelle
We still got some coverage, thankfully. And I pray it does some good. Beyond that, I wanted to come and ask you—how do you do it? Wake up everyday and find that hope? Find that faith?

Father Ben
I said it before. You can’t ask me to be something I’m not.

Isabelle
And yet you work every day with the belief that people can change.

Father Ben
Because I know they can. Because I have. Change is a part of being human too.

Isabelle
On that, we agree. I’m just not sure of the direction. Are we headed inbound or outbound? Or is the train broken down, stuck in the middle?

 

FORGIVE KAVLYN

 

[Kavlyn exhales deeply and flops into a pew.]

 

Father Ben—Casey Callaghan
Hey there. 

 

Kavlyn—Daisy Guevara
Oh! Hi. Is it okay that I’m sitting here? I just wanted to chill for a second.

 

Father Ben

Everyone is welcome in the house of the lord. Even to just “chill”.

 

Kavlyn
Cool, cool, cool. I’ve just been having a bit of a day, and my toesies could use a rest.

 

Father Ben
You work for the mayor, right?

 

Kavlyn

Yeah. She’s totally my boss.

 

Father Ben

That must be a difficult job.

 

Kavlyn

Why?

 

Father Ben

Well, the mayor seems a bit… prickly?

 

Kavlyn

She’s actually really smooth. I’ve been meaning to ask what conditioner she uses. 

 

Father Ben

No, I, that’s not—I just mean she seems like a tough person to work with.

 

Kavlyn

I just mostly answer phones and go places. And emails. So much emails. And, like, Twitter-ing. It’s cool because sometimes I get to, like, pretend to be the mayor online. You have to, like, get her voice down. It’s like… being a ventriloquist or something. But on the Internet! And no dolls. Just, like, typing. I do get tired sometimes. But the coffee is free, which is cool. We have an espresso machine thing. Though I might have broke it? I don’t know. I need to figure that out. 

 

Father Ben

Not much bothers you, does it?

 

Kavlyn

What’s there to be bothered about?

 

Father Ben
That’s an intriguing way to look at life. 

 

Kavlyn

I’m just vibing, you know?

 

Father Ben

Uhhhhh…

 

Kavlyn

I am starving. Do you have any of those wine and wafers? That’s a Catholic thing, right?

 

Father Ben
I mean, that’s for communion…

 

Kavlyn
Can I have some?

 

Father Ben

Uh, well, that’s not really what’s—

 

Kavlyn

Ehhh, I’ll just get some ice cream instead. I think there’s a parlor in the next car.

 

[Train starts slowing and screeching to a halt.]

 

Father Ben

You… you have a good day.

 

Kavlyn
You too! Thanks for letting me hang out. Bye!

 

[Train doors open and close.] 

 

FORGIVE YELENA

 

Yelena—Tanja Milojevich

Hello, Father. I am called Yelena.

 

Father Ben—Casey Callaghan

It’s nice to meet you, Yelena. How long has it been since your last confession?

 

Yelena

Seven days.

 

Father Ben

Oh, a regular, great. And what would you like to confess?

 

Yelena
I am work with secret radical movement to overthrow oppressive train city regime and uplift working class.

 

Father Ben

And you feel what you’ve been doing with this group is sinful?

 

[Russian Folk Song plays]

 

Yelena

No, this is not sinful. You ask what I will like to confess. I will like to confess this because I am proud. But I cannot confess to world because work is secret and secret must be kept. And so I may only confess to you, because you must keep secret or God will punish you.

 

Father Ben

Right. I should tell you, that only holds so long as you’re not hurting anyone. If you’re hurting someone, that I do have to report.

 

Yelena

I have hurt no one.

 

Father Ben

Okay, good.

 

Yelena

Yet.

 

Father Ben

Are you planning to hurt someone?

 

Yelena

I have no plan. But if is necessary, then is necessary.

 

Father Ben
Hurting people is never necessary.

 

Yelena

ту так думаешь?

 

Father Ben

I don’t understand.

 

Yelena

You have never hurt someone?

 

Father Ben

Not physically. And not on purpose.

 

Yelena
If you know it will hurt before is done, then is on purpose.

 

Father Ben
Okay. Well, when you put it like that, yes…

 

Yelena

Sometimes you have choice of things, and first thing will cause hurt, but second thing will also cause hurt. Which do you choose?

 

Father Ben

Uh… I guess in a situation like that, I’d try to choose whichever one causes less hurt.

 

Yelena

Sometimes you choose thing that causes less hurt. Sometimes you choose thing that causes hurt to people who can stand to be hurt. But however you choose, you cause hurt. And is on purpose. Still, choice must be made.

 

Father Ben

That’s a lot more fatalistic than I’m comfortable with.

 

Yelena

Is not fatalistic. Is optimistic. Is how you make world better.

 

Father Ben

I feel like we’ve gotten off-track here. Did you have an actual sin you need to confess?

 

Yelena

Да. I am dishonest with friend. I do not tell her that I am work with secret radical movement. I tell her am doing one thing, when really, am doing something else. Police ask her about me, she tell them lie, not knowing is lie.

 

Father Ben
That sounds like a serious breach of trust. And one that could get your friend in real trouble.

 

Yelena
If friend is in trouble, then I tell truth. But friend is safer is not knowing truth.

 

Father Ben

That’s rarely true. Most of the time, when we think we’re protecting someone else from the truth, we’re really just protecting ourselves from their reaction to the truth.

 

Yelena

Да. But most time, truth is not radical conspiracy for revolution.

 

Father Ben
You got me there… but it’s unfair to use them for an alibi without their knowledge. Keeping them ignorant may be safer for them, but it would be safer still to not use them at all. But I think you already know that. Which makes me wonder if what you really want is to unburden yourself to them. Carrying a secret—even if it’s a secret you’re proud of—is difficult. It’s natural to want to tell someone. Especially someone you care about and trust.

 

Yelena

But truth puts her in danger. Sometimes lie is good. Sometimes is sin to tell truth.

 

Father Ben

I’m not really comfortable with the idea that telling the truth can be sinful? But I will say, if you’re setting her up to figure it out herself, that’s morally no different from just telling her. And I think maybe that’s what you’re doing.

 

Yelena

Mm. You are maybe correct. I must think on this. Thank you, Father. This is helpful. Now I will go. До свидания.

 

Father Ben

[Trying to repeat] Doh sve… sved… um, goodbye!

 

FORGIVE ABDUL

Father Ben—Casey Callaghan
Are you here for confession?

 

Abdul—Tau Zaman
What? Why… why would I be looking for confession in a Red Line car? Isn’t that supposed to happen in a church or something?

 

Father Ben
Oh, this train car is now a church and… you know what, it’s a long story. 

 

Abdul
Yeah, it’s usually a long story around these parts. But no, thank you. I’m just heading home from work. Besides, I’m sure almost nothing about my lifestyle is kosher with your holy book. You probably don’t want to hear about my [in a Dracula voice] homosexual urges!

 

Father Ben
Oh don’t worry. I’m not really a “by the book” kind of priest. I’m also not gonna try and convert you or change you or anything. I’m really just here to help people find forgiveness and peace.

 

Abdul
Ah, see, I don’t believe in forgiveness. 

 

Father Ben
Don’t… believe in forgiveness?

 

Abdul
Okay, maybe that’s a little hyperbolic. The little stuff—white lies, careless insults—sure. Say you’re sorry, move on. But the big stuff—turning your back on a loved one, leaving them behind without a trace—the stuff that really hurts—no one ever forgets that. You might make up. You might try to make it right. But it never really goes away.

 

Father Ben [drifting]

Yeah… yeah… 

 

Abdul
You… ok? 

 

Father Ben [fumbling]

Yeah, yes, sorry. But alright—so, you don’t believe in people forgiving each other. What about… what about when you’ve hurt someone? How do you deal with feelings of guilt? Do you believe in forgiving yourself?

 

Abdul
I feel it. I live in it. I reflect on it. I do what I can to better myself. I do what I can to restore the relationship, to make it right. But eventually you have to find a way to move on. To that end, I’m regularly my own worst critic. I usually ask myself—if I saw someone else tormenting themselves over these feelings, would I say that they were being overly harsh on themselves? Sometimes it just helps to try talking to someone else about it. Which, I guess brings us full circle, cause that’s kind of what you’re here for.

 

Father Ben
Yeah, [chuckles] in a manner of speaking. 

 

Abdul
Well, I hope this has helped!

 

Father Ben
What? Helped? Me?

Abdul

It’s right there on your sleeve. But you seem like a smart guy, even for a Catholic priest. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

 

[Ding.]

 

Abdul
That’s my stop. Good luck with the evening crowd. There’s a Sox game, and there’s bound to be some wacky confessions coming your way.

 

Father Ben
Can’t be any wackier than what I’ve already seen today. And… thanks… what’s your name?

 

Abdul
Abdul.

 

Father Ben
Father Ben. Thank you, Abdul. Goodnight.

 

Abdul
Goodnight, Father.

 

FORGIVE GUY

 

Father Ben—Casey Callaghan
May the Lord bless you; what would you like to confess today?

Guy—Mike Linden
Truck. 

 

[Pause.]

Father Ben
Did—did you say “truck”?

Guy
No questions!

Father Ben
That’s not really how this works.

Guy

TRUCK!

Father Ben
Yes, I—I heard you, but I’m not sure if shouting “truck” counts as a confession, sir! You can’t just yell truck at me and expect me to absolve you of whatever truck-related sins you’ve got going on!

Guy
Truck… damaged.

Father Ben
You… you damaged your truck?

Guy [disgusted]

Never!

Father Ben
Okay? So. Someone else damaged your truck?

Guy
Yes.

Father Ben
Did you get their insurance?

Guy
No insurance.

Father Ben
They didn’t have insurance?

Guy
NO. INSURANCE.

Father Ben
You don’t have insurance. Got it. I think. I’m not sure what this has to do with a confession, though.

Guy
Truck was hit. Sideswiped while parked. Hit and run. Tested paint. Investigated. Found driver. Found driver… responsible.

Father Ben
You… found the driver?

Guy
Responsible.

Father Ben
But if you don’t have insurance, then…

 

Guy
[ Hits fist into palm.]  RESPONSIBLE!

Father Ben
O—kay. Tell me… tell me you haven’t made him… fully responsible… yet. Please?

[Pause.]

Guy
Truck. Is hurt.

Father Ben
I understand. But violence is not the answer.

Guy
Violence is an answer.

 

Father Ben
Not a good answer.

Guy
Who will answer for truck?

Father Ben
If you found the person responsible, maybe you could just ask him to pay for the damage?

Guy
No. Insurance.

Father Ben
I realize you don’t have insurance, but this might be a good time to get some, don’t you think? And if the other driver—

Guy
Driver responsible.

Father Ben
If the driver responsible approaches you with the same understanding as you could approach them, perhaps you could work something out?

Guy
No violence?

Father Ben
I mean, besides sparing them from violence. What can you offer them to make up for the fact that you’re asking to settle this in a way that’s not legal? 

 

[Pause.]

Guy
Recipes. 

 

Father Ben
Uhh… sure.

Guy
Fix truck. Get good recipes.

Father Ben
You know what? It’s worth a shot!

 

FORGIVE MALLORY 2

Mallory—Johanna Bodnyk
You’re leaving.

Father Ben—Casey Callaghan
You’re back.

Mallory
Yeah, you know. [Pause.]Sorry.

Father Ben
I am too.

Mallory
So, what’s the rush?

Father Ben
They fixed the confessional machine, and I’m getting the feeling my presence isn’t wanted. The Mayor sent one of those cheese-wedge-headed robots to follow me around. It’s supposed to be assisting me. And it is, in a sense. Assisting me out the door. Plus… I should probably head back to my parish.

Mallory
Cool. So you leave and we get stuck with a machine.

Father Ben
We?

Mallory
They. Red Line.

Father Ben
Where you don’t hang ever since it went to hell.

Mallory

Not in the trains, anyway. I’m more rocking the secret underground tunnels and shit. 

 

Father Ben
Well. Maybe I’ll be back. And in the meantime, there are plenty of churches to visit that aren’t in trains and that thankfully do not have a corporate-approved automated confessional booth. You know. Should you feel the need.

Mallory
Right. I know. [Pause.]How you getting back?

Father Ben
Gonna take the commuter rail back out to where my car is parked. Hitting the Brattle before I leave. I’ve always heard good things about that theater, and they’re doing a special screening of Father Stu with Mark Wahlberg doing a Q-and-A after!

Mallory [laughing]

Father-fucking-Stu? Are you kidding me?

Father Ben
Yeah! Wanna join me? Popcorn’s on me!

Mallory
Hell no. Fuck Mark Wahlberg!

Father Ben
What? I thought he was a favorite around here.

Mallory
Nah, that dude is racist and can’t act. He sucks. Plus, he coasts on this tough-guy image that’s only associated with the fact that he’s from here and is a racist piece of shit. Real ones hate his goon ass. And he’s working for Legion now. Kinda like you are.

Father Ben
You know who I work for.

Mallory
Yeah. Anyway, they distributed his new movie, and he’s all over town promoting them and it and being his annoying clown-ass self.

Father Ben
Interesting. Kinda makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Mallory

What?

Father Ben
Can Boston forgive Mark Wahlberg?

Mallory

Give me a break, Padre Prude. Boston has forgiven him! The whole world has! Nobody gives a shit that he was this giant piece of shit, and they’ve rewarded him with money and fame. But not me, not Mallory, not ever.

Father Ben
And why not?

Mallory [increasingly getting emotional]

He doesn’t deserve it! What has he done to make amends? He’s just… he just keeps disappointing everyone with his choices and–and– [Pause.]I’m sorry, I–I wasn’t—

Father Ben
It’s okay. We can talk about it.

Mallory
N–no. No, I’m good, I just. You—you’ve got your goofy-ass movie you’re all excited about. Tough-guy goon Mark Wahlberg becomes a priest like you. You gotta go. It’s cool.

Father Ben
Hey. [With some difficulty] F-fffffuck Mark Whalberg.

Mallory
Wow. [Laughs.]Swearing—in church, no less. And about your boy. Father Marky-Mark-Stan.

Father Ben
Maybe I’m a bigger Mallory stan. 

 

[Pause.]

Mallory
I can’t. I can’t get into it. I’m not ready.

Father Ben
Okay. 

 

[Pause.]

Mallory
Why does all this stuff you try to leave behind stay with you? Why can’t you shake it? Why can’t you just leave it behind and feel fine with it? 

 

Father Ben
Sometimes I wish it could be that easy. But imagine who you’d be if that was the case. You wouldn’t be you. You wouldn’t be made of all the experiences that shaped you, that still live within you. Good and bad. And all those people affected by you, shaped by those same experiences, ripples in a pond, waves in an ocean. Me meeting you is me meeting all the people who shaped who you are. And that’s worth something. 

 

Mallory
Thank you. For not pushing me.

Father Ben
I’m not the pushing kind, generally. But I don’t want you to give up on that impulse. I think you need to talk to someone. I think there’s someone you need to—

Mallory
Not yet. [pause.]I’m not ready yet.

Father Ben
Here. Whenever you’re ready. You can call me.[Singing]“Your own… personal… Jesus…”

Mallory
Dude, what.

Father Ben
Depeche… Mode? No?

Mallory
This was a moment, and you made it weird.

Father Ben
Yeah. I do that sometimes. Take care of yourself, Mallory.

Mallory
I hope you enjoy Father Stu, Padre Prude.

[Red Line doors open and Father Benexits.]

 

Mallory
Talk to you soon. 

 

RETURNING HOME

[Ben enters the house and drops his keys into a bowl. A TV is playing, but is turned off as Klem calls to him from the living room.]

 

Father Klem—Josh RubinoBenji! Home at last.

 

Father Ben—Casey Callaghan [tired]

Home at last indeed.

 

Father Klem [genuinely curious]

 

Sooo, how was the trip? Did it do wonders for your soul?

 

Father Ben

When you told me there were relics at the St. Francis Chapel in the Prudential Center, I thought a mall chapel housing the preserved bones of saints would be the weirdest thing I saw on my trip. But have you heard of Red Line?

 

Father Klem

…the subway? Yes, I have traversed its majestic wonders. I knew you were a small town boy, but I didn’t think you were that sheltered.

 

Father Ben [annoyed]
(annoyed)
I’ve been on a subway before, Klem. But Red Line? That’s a whole different ball game. They’ve seceded from the larger city and built their own functioning government down there. People live in the stations. They live in the cars. Sometimes, while traveling to work in the morning, unsuspecting commuters might walk in on someone who’s in the middle of taking a shower in their own home. It’s all rather… bohemian for my tastes.

 

Father Klem

Sounds pretty kinky to me.

 

Father Ben [ignoring that]

 

It is quite the experience, yes. I had my work cut out for me at the ribbon cutting for St. Ethan’s. 

 

Father Klem

So, I take it you didn’t take my advice and use your vacation as an actual vacation, as God intended?

 

Father Ben

How would you know what God intended?

 

Father Kelm

The big man and I may not see eye to eye anymore, but I know we both strongly believe in the value of rest and relaxation.

 

Father Ben [breathing in through his teeth]

 

Let’s just say… I’m happy to be home and leave it at that, alright?

Father Klem

If you say so, Benji, but one of these days all that relentless work is liable to catch up to you. And the Lord knows I’m not really begging to step in and play second string again.

 

Father Ben

Whatever you say, Klem.

 

Father Klem

I’m serious; you know I’ve had just about enough of my time in this collar. Having to strap it back on every time you need to go on a dang vision quest just ain’t gonna cut it for too much longer. Plus, you’ve got all these folks wanting to actually talk now!

 

Father Ben [amused]

And that’s a bad thing?

 

Father Klem
I think an efficient Church is a good church. Sue me.

 

Father Ben

Then you would’ve just loved the priest at St. Ethan’s.

 

Father Klem

Oh? What was he like?

Father Ben
It could get the people of Red Line in and out of the booth in two minutes flat.

 

Father Klem
Now that’s efficient. But seriously, tell me, did you do anything relaxing on this trip of yours?

Father Ben
Well, I did go see a showing of Father Stu on my way home, which I’d been pretty excited about. But I’ve gotta admit that Mark Wahlberg’s a lot less talented than I remember. Ended up leaving the theater feeling pretty hollow.

 

Father Klem

I’ve been telling you he was a talentless hack ever since we saw the trailer for the first time!

 

Father Ben
[Sighs.]Next time, I promise, I’ll listen to you.

 

[The ending credits music begins to play.]

 

THE MAYOR’S HAD ENOUGH

[The train car continues to move, but it’s much quieter than before now that it has mostly cleared out. With Chuck and Nichole, the cameras still roll.]

 

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason

Any final word on the grand opening of St. Ethan’s for our viewers, Mayor Bespin?

 

Emily Bespin—Sam Musher

Oh. I didn’t know the two of you were still here.

 

Nichole Fonzarelli—Kristin DiMercurio

The Underground goes where the story goes. And in the case of Red Line, the story’s always going.

 

Emily

Hnh. Cute.

 

Chuck [pressing her]

 

How are you feeling about today’s events? The strong turnout must have been a relief, despite your technical difficulties.

 

Emily

Hmmm, yes. That’s one way you could say it—although, it was maybe a bit bigger than I’d have liked it to be, if I’m being honest. 

 

Nichole

Yes, we all know you love when Red Line remains as exclusive as humanly possible, but that doesn’t really jive with the stated credo of the Catholic Church, now, does it?

 

Emily [ignoring her]

 

AND, what you call technical difficulties, I call an understandable first-day hiccup. My chocolate-covered-praline-pretzel Ethan, whom this very cathedral is named for, by the way, has assured me that our ordained Legion Assistant has been restored to factory settings and is quite ready to take back over its principal duties of presiding over this here place of worship. 

 

Chuck

It’s too bad that our new friend Father Ben already took care of all your first day parishioners, then, isn’t it?

 

Emily

They’ll be back. All of them! Red Line, as with every other city on God’s Green Earth, is full of dirty little sinners just desperate to hope, pray, and [under her breath] sometimes even pay their guilt away. And St. Ethan’s will be here waiting for them, so long as they’ve got the time to catch the right train.

 

Nichole

Let’s hope so, because otherwise, this whole venture would just prove to be another failed attempt at preserving your vanity in perpetuity, wouldn’t it?

 

Emily [pointedly]

I think that’s enough out of you two for one day, isn’t it?

 

[Emily claps her hands together, and we hear the sound of approaching Cheese Bots.]

 

Chuck [startled]

 

I suppose it is, Mayor Bespin, I suppose it is! 

 

Nichole

Don’t forget to tune back in next week, friends, where Mr. Geometry and I over here will be able to finally tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, if St. Ethan’s is a legitimate place of worship or just another ploy for Legion to line their pockets with your hard-earned dollars!

 

Chuck

Nichole, that’s enough, we’ve gotta go! Bye!

 

[The Cheese Bots approach faster now, but the train pulls into the station, and Chuck, Nichole, and their cameraman scramble away.]

 

CREDITS

 

COOKIE

JOSH RUBINO
Sorry, give me one second, I scrolled too far.
(singing to the tune of I RAN)
I SCROLLED TOO FAR
I SCROLLED TOO FAR AWAY…

Okay.

(as Fr. Clem)

I think an efficient church is a good church!