Mark W wants to Die: Greater Boston visits the Amelia Project

 

INTRODUCTION

ALEXANDER

We are very happy to offer you a special treat for today! This is the recording of the special crossover between Greater Boston and The Amelia Project, which we recorded live in London as part of the London Podcast Festival!

 

Now, The Amelia Project is a wonderful and popular show, but just in case you haven’t yet had the pleasure, here’s what you need to know: The Amelia Project is a secret organization that helps people to fake their deaths and reinvent themselves in new lives. In our story, you’ll meet The Interviewer, a quirky immortal who screens and vets all of the Amelia Projects clients, and Kozlowski, the brilliant surgeon who has been honing his craft for over a millennium.

 

The Amelia Project has a charming sense of humor, and a wonderful cast–with both guest and recurring appearances by quite a few of our own series regulars, including Julia Morizawa and Jordan Cobb. (Not to mention, for the most recent season, I have joined their sound design team myself, and have been having an absolute ball playing in their world!)

 

We do hope you’ll check out The Amelia Project. But now, please enjoy: Mark Wahberg Wants to Die.

 

[‘Charlie on the MTA’ plays. Music fades.]

 

NARRATOR [Behind curtain] – Alexander Danner

Oh! Hello there. Pardon me, I get distracted when I’m traveling. So much to see, so many people to keep track of. Allow me to introduce myself. My name …is The Narrator.

(pause)

As for what I do? Oh, all the poor souls I keep track of in order to help tell their stories. And that’s what brings me on this little vacation, From New England to Jolly Old. Oh, I’m from Boston. Greater Boston – that’s my home base. But a few of the rascals I keep an eye on have made the journey to a special place across the sea. Offering a most unique service. The Amelia Project. Have you heard of it? Well, there’s a pain in the caboose reporter who’s gone sniffing around on your side of the pond looking for it. A reporter with the improbable name of…Chuck Octagon. Here he comes right now.

 

[CHUCK emerges from the audience wielding a live microphone.]

 

CHUCK OCTAGON – Jeff Van Dreason

Good evening! I’m Chuck Octagon, reporting LIVE for THE UNDERGROUND from Kings Place, London, where I suspect a secret organization responsible for the disappearances of some of the world’s most elite and mysterious figures has set up their home base. I got a whisper in my ear from a little birdy that the AMELIA PROJECT is somewhere right around this location.

 

NARRATOR

I’m not a birdy, but that may have been my fault. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

(overlapping somewhat)

And I’m here to track them down.

(beat)

Track. Verb. To follow the course or trail of someone or something, typically in order to find them or note their location at various points. And that’s exactly what I plan to do – use my news sniffing nose to pinpoint the next path. 

 

[CHUCK moves further into the audience.]

 

CHUCK (CONT’D)

I have it on good authority that several people nearby have participated in what I hear is called ‘The Amelia Process;’ – that is, having life altering surgery, faking your death, escaping your former life and embracing your new one. 

 

[Pause; CHUCK points to someone in the audience]

 

You there! You look incredibly guilty and horrendously suspicious. Have you been a client at the Amelia Project and if so who did you used to be?

 

[CHUCK rolls with their answer the best he can before moving on]

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

You. Do you happen to know anything about the Amelia Project?

 

AUDIENCE PLANT 1 – Cat Howard

[Requires transcription]

 

CHUCK

What do you know about Boston, by the way? Have you ever heard of Red Line?

 

MARK WAHLBERG – Felix Trench

[Requires transcription]

 

CHUCK

I feel like I’m getting closer. You? No. You don’t know anything. Hmm. How…about…

 

[Ad libs require transcription.]

 

NARRATOR

That one. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

(pointing)

You. You know, don’t you? Can you tell me how to contact them? Do you have their number? This is…strictly for journalistic purposes, of course. I have no personal investment in this whole process. Oh, no. Haha. Now what are the digits?

 

AUDIENCE PLANT 2 – Oliver Morris

[Requires transcription]

[CHUCK leans in and takes out his smart phone and makes a call.]

CHUCK OCTAGON

(thrilled)

It’s ringing! 

The Amelia Project theme plays on the loudspeaker, and the answering machine message picks up. 

 

AMELIA [prerecorded] –  JULIA MORIZAWA

Congratulations. You have come to The Amelia Project. If you’re not serious, please hang up. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

Oh, I am very serious!

 

AMELIA

If you continue, there is no return. Good choice. There is a new life awaiting you. You’ll hear back from us. If you don’t hear back, please consider this a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

This is Chuck Octagon, a reporter from Greater Boston, and I am ready and excited for my new life!

 

[THE INTERVIEWER enters and sits at his desk, carrying a cup of cocoa. He sits and presses a button on the intercom.]

 

THE INTERVIEWER – Alan Burgon

Now how did this one get an appointment? Let him in, Alvina!

CHUCK enters, carrying his own cup of cocoa. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

I’m Chuck Octagon, reporting live from your office with a late breaking news story. This cocoa is the best I have ever tasted in my entire life.

(beat)

Cocoa: noun. A chocolate powder made from roasted and ground cacao seeds. OR: a hot drink made from cocoa powder mixed with sugar and milk or water. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Water? I won’t stand for that sort of blasphemy in my presence. 

[they cheers and sip]

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Ahh. Never gets old. Now, let’s get right down to business. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

Never gets old. That really is it, isn’t it?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Pardon me?

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

I’m a journalist uh — Mr. — ?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

No.

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

Right. Well, I get to the bottom of stories, mysteries, threads left untangled. I’m very good at it, which is how I happened across your number. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Impressive. Most people find us through referrals. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

Yes, well like I always say, I have a news nose and it knows how to blow. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

How charming.

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

That’s right. I dot every I, cross every T, and always make sure to get every last detail. I’m sure you appreciate that, don’t you Mr. — ?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

No.

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

Right. The thing is, I started a new outfit a few years ago. The Underground. It’s a long story, and I won’t bore myself with the details. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

I detest boredom. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

As do I.

 

THE INTERVIEWER

But I do *love* stories. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

Well, this doesn’t have much to do with my need of your services, but long story short, a man was working for a psychic news magazine called ThirdSight Media. The publisher lived in a secret office on the top floor where he had dozens of security cameras, spying on his staff but also several people throughout the greater Boston area. His goal was to manipulate the politics of the new city of Red Line; which was one of the four main subway lines in Boston. Thanks to a state-wide referendum, it seceded from the greater Boston area and became its own independent municipality, with dwellings, businesses, public utilities, all within the trains and stations themselves. The publisher’s plan was to install a puppet mayor, manipulate events in such a fashion that he could report on them through his small psychic publishing empire, thus validating the hare-brained business to national markets. However, an employee named Tate discovered some elements of his evil plan thanks to his relationship with a ghost trapped in a crystal ball that the publisher was blackmailing for information. That man Tate was trapped inside his secret office, left for dead, and nearly starved to death until he was miraculously saved by the dead-ball ghost’s brother who had just come back from discovering Atlantis. While trapped in the office, this man Tate hacked into the publisher’s business expenses and paid himself and his former colleagues handsomely with the leftover funds, which is probably illegal but given everything that happened, no one seemed to notice. With those funds he started a new publishing enterprise with yours truly called: THE UNDERGROUND; a journalistic chronicling of the goings-on in Red Line, the very same train city that the publisher tried to manipulate.

 

[Pause.]

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Well. How do you define boring, exactly?

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

Boring. Adjective. Not interesting. Tedious. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Right. Uh, at some point, I may need to hear the longer version of all that.

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

There are four seasons available now on the podcast app of your choice. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

So let me guess. You’re here because you’ve uncovered a dark secret in one of those train tunnels and you need to escape into a new life before facing the grisly consequences of your brave journalistic integrity. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

No. I’m not here to escape. Why would I? My life is simply fabulous. I have a cracking good news team at my side and a handsome and supportive partner in my beloved husband, Andy Wood. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Then what brings you to Amelia? It can’t just be the cocoa, good as it is. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

I understand most of your clients come to you to disappear. But I require the opposite. I’d like to become even *more* visible. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

I may require more cocoa for this. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

As on-air talent, I’m obsolete. Viewers prefer my younger counterparts. Michael Tate, Nichole Fonzerelli, even Louisa Alvarez rates better than me and she’s our photographer!

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Go on. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

But I have a secret weapon and that secret weapon is you. I want you to make a younger version of me, one that can thrive on camera for years to come, looking fresher and more newsworthy than ever before. I want eyeballs to orgasm when they see me on TV with tears that scream ‘fuck me, now THAT’S a news man!’ 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

My, my. I may never twitch my eyes again. (beat) Mr. Octagon – Chuck if I may? 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

Please.

 

THE INTERVIEWER

There is a terrible price to never growing old. 

 

(laughs hysterically)

 

No, I can’t even lie successfully about that one. It’s wonderful, really, save the need for constantly keeping up with the latest pesky trends, i-pods and talking phones and walking vacuum cleaners and the like.

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

So you see where I’m coming from.

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Oh, yes. And I can see where you’re headed too. 

(beat)

Allow me to tell you two simultaneous stories. One is about a man named Ricardo. He was born in Brazil about a century ago, outside of Rio De Janeiro, surrounded by poverty and steeped in utter destitution. At sixteen years old, he was given a choice to kill or be killed, and like any rational being, he answered accordingly. A hunting rifle in his lap, he found his target in his sights and pulled the trigger, forever silencing the life of a man he did not know. He told a friend he would never kill again. For his efforts, he was paid with his life, but his next projects brought cash. Killing soon became his profession, and although he would lay awake at night, his face numb from cold, dried tears, he adopted the personality of a professional. And like most professionals, he grew in his skills and techniques. He assessed the effectiveness of each assassination, timing himself, finding ways to make murder tidier, faster, more efficient. He strove for continuous improvement in his destructive methods. He took on many personas; some called him the Sandman, a reincarnation of Julio Santana, the REAL Carlos the Jackal, o Fantasma. The Michael Jordan of murder. The GOAT of garroting. The anointed one of assassination. If you were a person of appropriate wealth and means and wanted someone dead, the cold, calculating killer little Ricardo grew to become was who you dreamed of hiring if you could only afford it. No traces left behind. No traces back to you. Just a mystery and a stellar reputation. 

 

(pause)

 

Now, do you hear that sound?

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

Sound? No, I’m afraid I — 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Shh, shh, shh. Listen. Listen carefully.

 

(Silence.)

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

I’m afraid I don’t hear anything. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Little wings, flapping desperately to move a tiny, pathetic body, born of maggots from trash. It’s the sound of a fly. It flew in here when you walked in from the reception area. And it’s been buzzing around ever since. A fitting guest to accompany you. And do you know why that is? 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

I am sensing a metaphor. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Quite right! For coming to Amelia and requesting the great Dr. Kozlowski perform basic plastic surgery on your shoddy little news anchor frame in order to give you a sheen of youthful vigor is as preposterous an idea as requesting Little Ricardo come to my office with a fly swatter and swat that poor little fly.

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

Nonsense. You are the best, are you not? And I want the best. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

We are the best. At making people disappear. 

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

Yes. And your prices are exorbitantly expensive. However, if I only request half of your services, perhaps I can get a half-off discount?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Mr. Octagon. (beat, smile) Chuck. I thank you so much for your story. For it is amusing, especially all that bit about train cities. I really will try to visit sometime. But as I informed you; Amelia is the BEST at making people disappear. 

 

(intentional)

 

I don’t believe you want to disappear. Do you? Chuck?

 

CHUCK OCTAGON

(finally catching on)

 

How well do you know Little Ricardo, exactly?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Oh, he’s a client. And a friend. Do me a favor. Open the window on your way out. That fly needs some air. As do we all, no?

 

NARRATOR

Chuck thought about defining ‘graceful edit’ on his way out, but decided the moment had passed. He whooshed himself away like a frightened little rabbit. And the Interviewer? Oh, he’s VERY excited to meet his next guest. A bit of a celebrity! 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Alvina. Is he here? NO NO don’t tell me! Please give him his cocoa. Top shelf. The Trinatario. Yes. The Trinatario! It is time! And let him in after he’s had a sip. 

(Pause)

Okay. Right. Ahem. 

(Fixes himself, practices)

Good day, sir. How do you find the cocoa?

(to himself)

Too proper? ‘How do you find?’ Too British? Hmm. 

 

NARRATOR

My goodness, you’d think we were Waiting for Godot here. I’m less impressed because this little celebrity crush is under my employment. In fact, I hired him to be a spokesperson for dozens of Legion products. On top of that, he convinced a trial jury to decide an outcome in my favor by bribing them. So he’s a loyal little subordinate, even if his burgers taste as wooden as his acting. And he’s coming to the Amelia Project because Mark WAHLBERG wants to die. 

 

(Mark Whalburg enters carrying cocoa. Sips.)

 

THE INTERVIEWER

And? 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Conjunction. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Excuse me?

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Question. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

I – what? No. The cocoa. 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Noun?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

No, the cocoa. How is the cocoa?

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Oh. It’s hot. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Of course it’s hot. It’s hot cocoa. But how is it? How does it taste?

 

MARK WAHLBERG

It’s fine. It’s just cocoa. Had one, had them all, you know? 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Had one…had — uhh. Yes, quite, well. That cocoa is hand-picked from rare blue-seeded Trinatario in specifically hard-to-reach rainforest areas of South America. The rainfall is so intense people drown nearly instantly from trying to look up in the air to get their bearings. The pulp around the seeds is a specialized combination of sweet and sour, making it extremely rare and exquisitely delicious. Trinitario types were produced by hybridization of Criollo and Forastero type cacao varieties, and combine the quality of Criollo with the productivity and disease resistance of Forastero. Seeds are large and rounded, and typically light purple to purple and available year round. However! This cocoa came from the rare blue seeds. The extra rainfall sweetens the flavor and creates a more robust, rich texture. 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Look, Willy Wonka. I’m here to die, not talk chocolate. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

(crushed)

Why, of course. Why. Why, yes. Why why why…why are you speaking in a British accent? 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Because I’m British. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

No you’re not. You were born in Boston, Massachusetts; troubled childhood, underwear model, musician, Father of the Funky Bunch.

 

MARK WAHLBERG

That name no longer has any meaning to me. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Funky…bunch?

 

MARK WAHLBERG

A pack of back-stabbing rats, they are. Do you know what they said about my role as Bobby Shatford?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

(proud of himself)

The Perfect Storm!

 

MARK WAHLBERG

They said my performance was inauthentic. They said my accent wasn’t working-class New England. They said I didn’t look like I could catch fish if I was hanging out with Christ and the disciples! They said the only boat I’ve been on is my private yacht Fuck Peach 69. Well that part is true, I guess…

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Why…did they say this?

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Some trash-mag article thought it would be amusing to have my filmography reviewed by the former Funkybunch. I won’t repeat what they had to say about I Heart Huckabees. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

I take it they did not heart it. But still. The accent. Why the accent? Is it for a role?

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Isn’t everything for a role? Why the cocoa?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

We give all our guests cocoa. But for you, we picked our rarest blend. I’ve never even tried it myself. It’s not often we have a celebrity of your caliber at Amelia. Only the best for Captain Leo Davidson! 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

…who?…

 

THE INTERVIEWER

You know. Planet of the Apes?

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Oh. Right. I was in that.

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Superior remake to the original, if I do say.

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Even I don’t even think that’s true. But in any event. The accent. I suppose a part of it is just trying to break down the idea of who Mark WAHLBERG is. You know? Shake up the image. People think Mark WAHLBERG, they think tough guy, Bostonian, Dorchester, musician, tremendous actor, handsome leading man, action star, sex appeal, Patriot, terrorism preventer, legal expert, PhD, surgeon.

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Are these all roles you’ve played?

 

MARK WAHLBERG

No. This is me. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Ah.

 

MARK WAHLBERG

But there’s one thing they don’t think of. Which is British. But I’m going to change that. Word by word, Interview by interview. And just when the world adds British to the long list of adjectives associated with a Mr. Mark WAHLBERG, I’ll die. And much like your empire conquered the known world, so it will be with Mark WAHLBERG conquering accents. By dominating the most difficult accent of them all.

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Well…there’s a lot there to unpack, but suffice it to say you’ve come to Amelia to help with the dying part. 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Yeah. You will help me fake my own death. And the world will mourn Mark WAHLBERG. Just like they’re mourning —  

 

(Pause)

THE INTERVIEWER

Go on. 

 

VOICE OF MATT DAMON

Go on, Mark WAHLBERG. Tell him. Tell him why you’re really doing this. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Are you alright? 

 

VOICE OF MATT DAMON

Do you remember when we were on the set of The Departed, Mark WAHLBERG? You had bullied me for years before that. Sending rattlesnakes to my front door concealed in a Dunkin’ Donuts bag, prank calling my girlfriend and telling her that if her fridge was running she better dump Matt Damon and then go catch it, writing fraudulent checks for millions to my favorite water charities just so they could bounce? 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Hello there. Where …where did you go?

 

VOICE OF MATT DAMON

But all of that was nothing compared to what you did on the set of the Departed, Mark WAHLBERG. You openly mocked my best friend Ben Affleck. Every. Single. Day. Oh, if he was such a good actor, he would be in this movie. Where is he, huh? Making Gigli 2? You got the entire cast and crew to laugh at Ben Affleck. You got Alec Baldwin to laugh at Ben Affleck. You even got Martin Scorsese himself – the great master – to crack a smile when you said that Ben Affleck couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag if he were using the oil rigging gear he had with him in Armageddon. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Mr…British…WAHLBERG?

 

VOICE OF MATT DAMON – Zach Valenti

And then it came time for you to kill me. Kill my character, Staff Sergeant Colin Sullivan, at the end of the Departed. You claimed to have been looking forward to it ever since you read the script, boasting about it to Kraft Services. And just before Marty yelled action, I came up to you and told you one thing. ‘Look me right in the eyes when you pull the fake trigger.’ But you, Mark WAHLBERG, could not do it. You could not fire the gun. You could not allow Staff Sergeant Sean Dignam to kill Staff Sergeant Colin Sullivan out of revenge for Staff Sergeant Colin Sullivan murdering State Trooper William “Billy” Costigan Jr. You couldn’t look me in the eyes. You asked Marty for a stunt double. Not for you. For me. But Marty refused. Marty wanted us both in the shot. So you begged. You got on your knees and begged him to send in…your STUNT DOUBLE! 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Enough!

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Oh. And you’re back. Hi there. You were about to tell me who they’re all mourning?

 

MARK WAHLBERG

(said with complete derision)

Matt. Damon. 

 

THE NARRATOR

Right. For the uninitiated, poor departed Matt Damon sacrificed his life to save several lives, including his best friend Ben Affleck, when an out-of-control Red Line car malfunctioned due to a Cheese Robot driver programmed with the memories of a ghost. I promise this “makes sense.”

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Oh, yes. So sad. I understand you ran into him shortly before his tragic accident? 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

We fought on the very train he eventually sacrificed himself to save. Coward. If it were me I would have found a way to save the train AND live. But now everyone loves him. Just because he died. And now it’s MY turn. *I* will die and the world will mourn ME. There will be a movie made about MY heroic sacrifice, and it will be far better. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Ah. I see. And have you thought about who you’d like to come back as? Someone anonymous who can sit back and appreciate the accolades from afar?

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Matt. Damon. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Come again?

 

MARK WAHLBERG

I will come again. As Matt. Damon. And then I, as Matt Damon, will tell the world the TRUTH about Mark WAHLBERG. Mark WAHLBERG is the one who REALLY sacrificed himself, is the REAL transit hero, deserves the REAL movie about being a brave transit hero, and would never ever send in his stunt double to kill Matt Damon in the Departed – that was all made up lies and the only reason Mark WAHLBERG didn’t sue Matt Damon for libel was because Mark WAHLBERG is better than that, Mark WAHLBERG was a true gentleman, a scholar, a PhD, a surgeon, a working class Bostonian, a Brit, an EVERYTHING! MARK! WAHLBERG! WAS! LIIIIFE!

(pause as he calms down)

So when can we get started?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Mr. WAHLBERG. Can I tell you why I prefer your version of Planet of the Apes to the original? The original film ends with a discovery that the planet they have been on is Earth after all. There’s no release, no apparent victory, just the discovery of an ancient civilization of humans quickly followed by the discovery that the ancient civilization is the same as the human species on George Taylor’s version of earth. The Statue of Liberty is destroyed. There’s nowhere to go.

(pause)

Your version ends with the hero winning a major victory against the apes. Captain Leo Davidson returns home to earth. See, in this version, the Planet of the Apes he has crashed landed on is indeed a different planet entirely. And yet, after returning home, he is doomed to discover the same fate. Apes have taken over the earth. He crash lands in Washington DC to find a ghastly visage has replaced the Lincoln memorial. Ape Lincoln. A former ape adversary is now seated on the throne of the great emancipator.

 

MARK WAHLBERG

It doesn’t even make sense. I asked Timmy B to explain it and he couldn’t. He just felt like we needed to monkey around with some wacky twist.

 

THE INTERVIEWER

It doesn’t have to make sense. The fact that it’s nonsensical hammers my point home even more. You can cheat death, battle an army of apes, fly back home in a spaceship, and still, there you are, in the same situation, or worse. Changing the circumstances does not allow you to escape what you’re dealing with. Not really. 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Is…is this one of those ‘metaphors’ I’ve been hearing about?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

It is. We specialize in people escaping here at Amelia. But from what you’ve told me? I’m not sure there’s any escape for you. 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Wherever I go. Damn dirty apes.

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Damn, dirty, Matt Damon. If you come back as a man who is dead and specifically praise yourself? People will scrutinize. People are going to ask questions. There’ll be an investigation. Why was Mark WAHLBERG around for months between when supposedly Matt Damon died and discovering the truth that it was actually not Matt Damon, but Mark WAHLBERG who died? 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

But that’s not the truth.

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Precisely. If you think the people lionize Matt Damon, Transit Hero now? If you think you’re toiling in his…dare I say it…Departed shadow now? Imagine what that will be like if people find out that not only is Matt Damon dead, but that Mark WAHLBERG stole his identity, stole his heroics, and is attempting to change the narrative around his death to improve his own self image? You won’t be in the shadow anymore, Mark WAHLBERG. You will be the Shadow. 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

That does sound kind of cool, though.

 

THE INTERVIEWER

No.

 

MARK WAHLBERG

But…but I have money.

 

THE INTERVIEWER

No.

 

MARK WAHLBERG

LOTS of money. 

 

THE INTERVIEWER

No.

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Is this because I didn’t like your cocoa?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

No. I am a huge fan. I respect you so much. We’d love to work with you here at Amelia, but we can not allow you to come back as Matt Damon. Someone with less profile? Perhaps. But not him. Not now.

 

(Pause)

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Did I mention I have LOTS of money?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

You did.

 

MARK WAHLBERG

Did I mention I’m Mark WAHLBERG?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

Indeed.

 

MARK WAHLBERG

And you’re saying…no?

 

THE INTERVIEWER

We are. I’m afraid. Let me show you to the door. Aha, I can take that cocoa off your hands now if you’re all set with it. 

 

MARK WAHLBERG

No.

(chugs cocoa mug vehemently. Sighs). 

No-coa. 

 

[Interviewer and Wahlberg exit.]

 

NARRATOR

And just like that, Mark WAHLBERG’s dream performance is destroyed. Which is where I come in. You see it’s my job to keep Mark WAHLBERG happy after all. And when he came crying to me, my ears perked up about all the possibilities. “The Amelia Project.” Such a potent mix of professional pride and moral ambiguity! So many possibilities in how their talents might be put to use. And they really are very good at what they do.

 

[The Narrator steps from the shadows, taking over the microphone previously occupied by The Interviewer. The Interviewer returns, taking over the microphone previously used by Chuck and Mark.]

 

INTERVIEWER

Oh. Um. Hello.

 

NARRATOR

Ah, right on time, wonderful! I do appreciate punctuality.

 

INTERVIEWER

On time, yes, quite. Um. On time for what, exactly?

 

NARRATOR

Well, for our interview, of course! Isn’t that what you do here?

 

INTERVIEWER

It is. But I don’t recall having an interview on my schedule for this afternoon.

 

NARRATOR

Oh, I took the liberty of scheduling it myself.

 

INTERVIEWER

You’ve taken the liberty of occupying my desk as well.

 

NARRATOR

Yes, that’s true. I find there’s power that comes with the orientation of a desk. Faced toward a wall, it implies low status. A worker’s arrangement, allowing one’s superiors to peep in at any moment they like. Turn it around so the occupant has full view of the office and its entrances, and suddenly you are in the seat of power. 

 

INTERVIEWER

Given that particular way of seeing things…why have you not taken the seat itself? 

 

NARRATOR

Oh, I don’t care for sitting.

 

INTERVIEWER

What…at all?

 

NARRATOR

Let’s just say I’m not properly jointed for it.

 

INTERVIEWER

Oh, I apologize. Had I realized we were discussing a disability, I wouldn’t have pried so rudely.

 

NARRATOR

I didn’t say it was a disability. But I do appreciate your honesty: “I wouldn’t have pried…*so rudely*.” We both know you still would have pried, if marginally more delicately. That’s the whole of what you’re about.

 

INTERVIEWER

Well, I wouldn’t say it’s the *whole* of what I’m about. There’s also my passion for the stage, my sparkling wit, and of course my deep and abiding love of cocoa…

 

NARRATOR

Yes, yes, every character needs some color to round him out. A few quirks and details to serve as signature and shorthand.

 

Incidentally, I brought you a gift.

 

[He hands The Interviewer a box of candy.]

 

INTERVIEWER

Oh, an American candy, this should be a treat. “Whoppers!” Well that sounds fun, doesn’t it? A nice round sound to it. They look rather similar to Malteasers, don’t they? [Eats one. It makes a loud “CRACK.”] Hm, oh yes, that’s a chocolate shell, a malty center. Very reminiscent of Malteasers. Hm. Yes, they taste rather exactly like what Malteasers would taste like if Malteasers tasted substantially less…good?

 

NARRATOR

Don’t they just?

 

INTERVIEWER

Why did you want me to have these?

 

NARRATOR

For my amusement. After a few minutes, the disappointment will slip your mind. Later, without even thinking about it, you’ll pop another into your mouth, only to feel that wave of disappointment once more. You won’t be able to help yourself. You’ll keep doing this over and over, until the whole box is empty. And it’ll make me smile every time.

 

[Awkward beat.]

 

INTERVIEWER

I fear our conversation has derailed somewhat.

 

NARRATOR

Ha! Yes, derailed. Very appropriate.

 

INTERVIEWER

Appropriate? What? The conversation getting derail…oh, no, you’re one of those Red Line people, aren’t you?

 

NARRATOR

In a manner of speaking, yes.

 

INTERVIEWER

Now look here! The Amelia Project is not some run-of-the-mill rhinoplasty, and we do not take on clients looking to stoke their vanity!

 

NARRATOR

I am quite well aware of what you do here, Arthur.

 

INTERVIEWER

I…what? I’m sorry…did you just call me “Arthur?”

 

NARRATOR

Of course. That’s your name. Well…one of them, anyway.

 

INTERVIEWER

How do you know my name?

 

NARRATOR

*I* know it because *you* know it.

 

INTERVIEWER

Well, pump me full of custard, dip me in chocolate, and call me a Boston creme donut! Who *are* you?

 

NARRATOR

Did I forget to introduce myself? Shame on me! It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Arthur. I’m …The Narrator.

 

INTERVIEWER

The —- That’s not a name!

 

NARRATOR

Oh, that’s rich, coming from a protagonist consistently credited only as “The Interviewer.”

 

INTERVIEWER

My line of work offers precious little opportunity to take credit at all, let alone to put a name to my accomplishments. Wait…”protagonist?”

 

NARRATOR

We’re in similar positions. A job title in place of a name. A role in life defined by an appellation. In both our cases, an innate compulsion to collect stories. And to tell them. And most crucially…to hear them.

 

INTERVIEWER

I rather suspect that we have very different motivations for doing so.

 

NARRATOR

Oh? Is The Amelia Project not in the business of making a profit? Did The Brotherhood of the Phoenix not charge for its services? Have you pivoted to charitable death-faking at some point in the recent past?

 

INTERVIEWER

Well, of course we need to make a profit, but that’s hardly our primary purpose. And yes, as it happens, we *do* take the occasional charitable case.

 

NARRATOR

When you’re not accepting diamond necklaces from the queen of France. You’ve worked for dictators, criminals, and scoundrels of all sorts, when the price is right.

 

INTERVIEWER

Yes, yes, we take payment in exchange for our services. But if you’re aware of our participation in The French Revolution, then you must also know that Marie Antoinette’s own role was quite different from what history would have you believe. I should know–I wrote that history!

 

[Koslowski enters.]

 

KOSLOWSKI

Oh, you are with a client! I hope I am not interrupting, but the message you sent by pneumatic tube said you needed to speak with me right away. That was a delightful surprise! I did not know this office even had a pneumatic tube system!

 

INTERVIEWER

I don’t believe I sent a message.

 

NARRATOR

Yes, that was me. Mr. Koslowski has a significant role to play in the arrangement I’m proposing, so I thought it best that he join us.

 

INTERVIEWER

This is “The Narrator.” He knows things because I know things, apparently.

 

NARRATOR

Not exclusively you, of course.

 

KOSLOWSKI

How fascinating! What sort of arrangement are we discussing?

 

NARRATOR

A real win-win. For all of us.

 

INTERVIEWER

The last person to say “win-win” and actually mean it was Mary Parker Follett herself when she coined the term in her foundational works on reciprocal relationship management theory.

 

NARRATOR

Mm, yes, that one. A local to my neck of the woods, actually. Born in Quincy, Massachusetts. Not a client of yours, I don’t think?

 

INTERVIEWER

No, sadly her death was quite genuine. I met her by way of one of your American presidents who consulted with her.

 

NARRATOR

Yes, of course. And how many of those have you done?

 

INTERVIEWER

American presidents? Three.

 

KOSLOWSKI

Well…I would say three and a half.

 

INTERVIEWER

True. But that’s much too complicated a story for just now. My point is, I suspect you’re more of a “power over,” than a “power with,” sort of thinker.

 

NARRATOR

I’ll admit, her ideas had a bit too much socialist flavor for my approach to business. But you might be surprised. Deep down in the substrata of my being, I’m as communist as it gets.

 

INTERVIEWER

Do tell.

 

NARRATOR

No.

 

INTERVIEWER

Well, it’s quite clear that you enjoy a certain parfum de mystère, but if you hope to have your death faked, I’m afraid you’ll simply have to cough up the goods.

 

NARRATOR

Oh, we won’t be faking my death. Should I ever feel a need to disappear…well, I would do that quite easily on my own.

 

KOSLOWSKI

Yes, I can see that you would.

 

NARRATOR

You can?

 

KOSLOWSKI

Yes! But do not worry–your secret is safe with me.

 

INTERVIEWER

Ooo, I do love a good secret!

 

KOSLOWSKI

Now do not pry. We must respect our new friend’s confidence as much as we hope he will respect our own.

 

[The Narrator attempts to access Koslowski’s thoughts.]

 

KOSLOWSKI

[giggles]

 

INTERVIEWER

Um. What are you doing?

 

KOSLOWSKI

[still giggling]

He is attempting to read my thoughts!

 

NARRATOR

You could tell?

 

KOSLOWSKI

I have encountered such powers before. You will find that my brain functions quite differently from most people’s. You will not be able to access my mind, I am afraid.

 

NARRATOR

Very well, let’s get to the crux of it, then. Surveillance. That’s what I’m offering. Legion, the corporation I representent, can give you access to the most invasive surveillance network the world has ever seen. A fully-integrated system of AI-driven personal assistant devices installed throughout the city of Red Line and the Greater Boston area. A microphone in every home throughout the state of Massachusetts, and more than a little of Rhode Island.

 

Every time someone so much as mutters “I wish I could just disappear,” their Legion assistant will run an ad for The Amelia Project and even offer to dial the phone.

 

KOSLOWSKI

Oh my. With marketing like that, we would never miss a potential client. But I should think your other abilities could lead us to even more interesting clients.

 

NARRATOR

Oh my, yes. All the clients you could want. And all their stories.

 

INTERVIEWER

Stories?

 

NARRATOR

Well, I *am* the narrator, after all. That’s not a mere sobriquet. Choose anyone you like, and I’ll tell you their story as best they know it themselves.

 

INTERVIEWER

And what do you get out of this arrangement? What is the “win-win?”

 

NARRATOR

To begin with…we want Koslowski working for us. Directly.

 

INTERVIEWER

Now see here! You can’t just come into my office expecting to poach my partner right in front of me!

 

NARRATOR

Consider the possibilities, Mr. Koslowski. You are already the best there has ever been at what you do. But Legion can give you resources, information, and facilities like you have never dared imagine. Combining your skills with our technology could advance your craft light years beyond what anyone else on Earth is capable of conceiving.

 

KOSLOWSKI

That is…tempting.

 

INTERVIEWER

No! You wouldn’t!

 

NARRATOR

Second…we want the product of your services.

 

KOSLOWSKI

But our service is just that…a service! I do not know what product you could mean.

 

NARRATOR

Why…all those freshly laundered *people*, of course. I don’t need The Amelia Project to make Legion employees disappear. I need your clients to *re*appear…as Legion employees.

 

So much talent is wasted when you resurface a brilliant inventor as an amusement park mechanic or whatever. Instead of sending these great minds off into meaningless lives…send them to us. Turn your inventors into Legion engineers. Turn your genius chemists into Legion pharmaceutical researchers. Keep doing what you do best–give the client their death. Then leave it to us to give them their new life. As part of Legion.

 

KOSLOWSKI

That would not interest very many of our clients. People fleeing their old lives do not often wish to continue the work that led them into trouble in the first place.

 

NARRATOR

That won’t be an issue. I’m certain we can change their minds.

 

INTERVIEWER

How so?

 

NARRATOR

Well, by, ah…literally changing their minds. That’s something we can do. Our work in phantasmimetic robotics has produced remarkable discoveries in the field of reprogramming people. This is where you come in, Mr. Koslowski. You’re the best candidate to perform the neuro-adjustment procedure. And you could do it at the same time as you install the client’s new face! One-stop chopping! What could be better?

 

KOSLOWSKI

Reprogramming people!? But that is monstrous!

 

NARRATOR

You already rewrite a person’s entire identity, their role in history, the face they show to the world. Isn’t this just the next logical step in your process?

 

INTERVIEWER

You don’t understand what we do here at all, do you?

 

KOSLOWSKI

When I change a person’s face, it is because they *want* a new face.

 

INTERVIEWER

You said yourself, I am dedicated to hearing our clients’ stories. Why do you think that is? It’s not merely for my amusement, it’s vital to the process! I plan a death–and a new life–that suits *the person they are,* not some other person whom I’m rewriting them to be.

 

KOSLOWSKI

Yes! What we do gives people choices. We offer them options, but they choose whether or not to take them. What you are proposing…that gives them no choice at all!

 

NARRATOR

You have spent all day saying “no” to clients. How many can you truly afford to turn down? And as affronted as you like to look, Arthur, I know that my offer of the secret stories of anyone you choose appeals to you. Ever since I first said it, the brightest thought running through your mind has been “I could know *all* the stories. All of them!”

 

INTERVIEWER

Well of course that’s tempting, but that doesn’t mean I want it. Would it even mean as much to hear someone’s story second-hand, rather than in their own voice and words?

 

NARRATOR

But Arthur…I can give it to you in their own words. I’m that good.

 

INTERVIEWER

But…but you would take Koslowski…

 

KOSLOWSKI

Arthur! Do you truly think this Narrator can tempt me away from the work I have given many lifetimes to?  

 

NARRATOR

There must be something you want…

 

KOSLOWSKI

[Giggles] I told you, that will not work on me!

 

INTERVIEWER

If it’s true that you can read my mind, Mr. The Narrator, then I think you had best read what I’m thinking at you right now.

 

NARRATOR

Hm.

 

“The Interviewer stared daggers at this Narrator person, whose offer would render the work of The Amelia Project as tedious as it would contemptible. For The Interviewer, the most important thing about any client was whether their story was *interesting*. “No story will ever be interesting again if every story ends in a Legion laboratory,” The Interviewer thought. Why, if this Narrator has any decency at all, he would just go and…”

 

Oh my. It gets rather rude after that.

 

INTERVIEWER

It does indeed!

 

KOSLOWSKI

I think it is time that you should leave, Mr. Narrator?

 

NARRATOR

[Big sigh.]

 

Fiiine! I suppose that’s that, then. I hope you’ll enjoy your continued financial struggles. I can show myself out.

[Narrator exits.]

 

INTERVIEWER

Well, what a repugnant fellow that was. So. Now that he’s gone…what *is* his secret?

 

KOSLOWSKI

Arthur, shame on you! You know I gave my word not to tell.

 

INTERVIEWER

Just a little hint.

 

KOSLOWSKI

Absolutely not!

 

INTERVIEWER

Well, this has certainly been a day of disappointments, hasn’t it?

 

[The Interviewer absent-mindedly eats one of the Whoppers.]

 

INTERVIEWER

Oh, oh, that was still not a Malteaser!

 

NARRATOR [off]

YESSSSS!