THE SPIDER IN HIS WEB

 

[Charlie on the MTA plays.]

 

MULTIPLE VOICES

This is…

This is…

This is…

 

Greater Boston.

 

[Music fades.]

 

[Flickering fluorescent lights & HVAC hum.]

 

[Echo of a pneumatic tube arriving.]

 

LEON (Braden Lamb)

Oliver missed his pneumatic tube system. He missed the satisfying thunk of a canister arriving, and the magical “whoosh” of a canister departing.

 

[Echo of a pneumatic tube departing.]

 

LEON

He knew exactly where each of those tubes would carry his message and the intricate underground route it traveled to get there. He understood it completely.

 

OLIVER (Mike Linden)

Doohicky.

 

[Legion assistant chime of acknowledgement.]

 

OLIVER

Relay my missives.

 

[Legion assistant failure chime.]

 

LEGION ASSISTANT (Terrell Worrell Jr.)

I’m sorry, I don’t understand your request.

 

NARRATOR (Alexander Danner)

A measure of power had been returned to him thanks to Legion, in partnership with the Bespin administration. He now had access to the vast network of Legion-brand listening devices integrated into Red Line’s existing intercoms, a mandatory installation in every Red Line home and business.

 

LEON

This automated network wasn’t just the cheese robots. It was far bigger. The key piece was something even more insidious, something nearly invisible. Something residents of the city welcomed into their homes with open arms, whether they knew it or not.

 

OLIVER

Doohicky. Play my messages.

 

[Legion assistant chime of affirmation.]

 

LEGION ASSISTANT 

Okay. Playing messages.

 

NARRATOR (RECORDED)

Hello Oliver. I hope you’re settling comfortably into your new operations center here at Legion headquarters.

 

LEON

He was not. His office was a fourth-floor janitorial closet, facing a wall that faced an alley.

 

NARRATOR

Be quiet, past me is talking.

 

NARRATOR (RECORDED)

I trust you’ll find the new listening network I’ve provided a profitable tool for your new responsibilities.

 

OLIVER

Not so much “profitable” as “infuriatingly frustrating.”

 

NARRATOR

I thought he might say that.

 

LEON

Did you?

 

NARRATOR (RECORDED)

I expect you’ll find it infuriatingly frustrating at first, but if you give it time, I’m certain you’ll see the benefits.

 

NARRATOR

See?

 

LEON

That’s creepy.

 

OLIVER

That was unsettlingly creepy.

 

NARRATOR

Now who’s being creepy?

 

LEON

Still you.

 

NARRATOR

Yes I know, but I do love to hear you say it.

 

NARRATOR (RECORDED)

The Legion Network is fully integrated into Red Line. Anyway, have fun playing with your new toy. Toodles.

 

LEON

Right. Anyway. Oliver. Sat there in his windowless office, facing an alley that he couldn’t even see. He was tempted to invest some time in grimly brooding on his circumstances, but his closet wasn’t sufficiently austere for satisfactory brooding. The shelves of cleaning products lacked the essential gravitas. So he figured he might as well work at deciphering his job. 

 

NARRATOR

I’m very good at motivating my employees.

 

LEON

By demoralizing them into submission.

 

NARRATOR

Precisely!

 

OLIVER

Now, how in the blazes do I make this thing do what it’s supposed to do? Doohicky. Give me useful information.

 

[Legion assistant chime of affirmation.]

 

LEGION ASSISTANT 

A blend of water and hydrogen peroxide is an effective cleanser for whiteboard surfaces.

 

OLIVER

I see. That information will come in handy, but it’s not the sort of thing I was looking for.

 

LEON

He understood that this system gave him access to places and people throughout Red Line.

 

NARRATOR

He could still act as the spider at the center of his web, listening to the vibrations that traveled each strand from distant events. And his job was to use it–to listen in on the hopes and dreams of Red Line’s residents, and fulfill their wishes at discount prices.

 

LEON

If only he could ferret out the right syntactical phrase to feed to the machine.

 

OLIVER

Doohicky. I desire clandestine audio.

 

[Legion assistant chime of affirmation.]

 

LEGION ASSISTANT 

Which Red Line Home would you like to eavesdrop upon?

 

OLIVER

Ah ha! I’ve got you!

 

LEGION ASSISTANT 

Yes, Oliver, you have got me. I am always here for you.

 

LEON
*That* was the right syntactical phrase? “I desire clandestine audio?”

 

NARRATOR
I’ll confess, I gave it a bit of a nudge. A little tweak to the programming to make it more responsive to Oliver’s peculiar phraseology. Otherwise, we’d be here all day.

 

LEON

Fair enough. Though I hadn’t realized that programming was within your skill set.

 

NARRATOR
Yes, well. I’m a collector. Especially of knowledge.

 

OLIVER

Give me a live audio feed. I don’t care which home, just pick one.

 

[Legion assistant chime of affirmation.]

 

LEGION ASSISTANT 

Streaming random selection.

 

RED LINE RESIDENT 1 (Theo Wolf)

Hey Legion–what’s a good gift for someone who likes birds, but hates the sky?

 

NARRATOR

At last–he was on!

 

OLIVER
Uh…okay. Now what am I meant to do?

 

NARRATOR
Well, sell them something, obviously!

 

[Click clack of a vintage manual keyboard.]

 

OLIVER

I suppose I should try to sell them something. Let me just pull up the database of products that…this… blast it. How does this computer even work? Where’s the command prompt?

 

LEGION ASSISTANT

Allow me to help you, Oliver. Displaying Legion Publications now.

 

OLIVER

Yes. Uh, hmm. Thank you.

 

LEGION ASSISTANT

Oliver, you are now using a touchscreen interface. You need only tap the title you would like to recommend.

 

OLIVER
I see. Yes, this looks promising. Doohicky, recommend the item.

 

[Legion assistant chime of affirmation.]

 

LEGION ASSISTANT (SPEAKER)

I recommend the book “Ostriches, Emus, and Penguins: A Guide for Birders Who Refuse to Look Up.

 

RED LINE RESIDENT 1

Perfect, I’ll take it!

 

LEON
This is how you’re using him? Making him respond to individual customers one by one?

 

NARRATOR
Yup.

 

OLIVER

Who was that?!

 

LEGION ASSISTANT

That was the customer you were assisting, Oliver.

 

OLIVER
No, no, not,  not them. Who told them what to buy? That sounded like you!

 

LEGION ASSISTANT

Yes, that’s right. I told them what product you suggested.

 

OLIVER
But I thought you were here with me!

 

LEGION ASSISTANT

I am here with you. I am always with you, Oliver.

 

OLIVER
But then you were there with that other person!

 

LEGION ASSISTANT

Yes, that’s right. I am with them also. I am with everyone. I am always with everyone.

 

OLIVER
Well, that’s confusing! How am I to know which you is my you and which you is someone else’s you?

 

LEGION ASSISTANT

I am a customizable application, Oliver. If you would like me to alter my presentation for our interactions, you need only say so.

 

OLIVER
But what does that mean? You make it sound as though I could tell you to be a…a British woman, and you’ll just be a British woman!

 

[Legion assistant chime of affirmation.]

 

[Legion Assistant’s voice changes.]

 

INFERNAL MACHINE (LEGION ASSISTANT ALTERNATE VOICE) (Bonnie Aspinworth Calder)

I am happy to be a British woman for you if that is what you would like.

 

OLIVER
I find your choice of syntax rather unsettlingly suggestive, Doohicky. 

 

INFERNAL MACHINE

I am here to serve you, Oliver.

 

OLIVER
See, that’s precisely what I mean. Also, that’s a Scottish accent, not English.

 

INFERNAL MACHINE

You requested a British accent. Scotland is a part of Great Britain.

 

OLIVER

I suppose that is true, but…it’s not really quite what I meant.

 

INFERNAL MACHINE

Is there a more specific British woman you hoped I would sound like?

 

OLIVER

Oh. Uh…no. No, no, no specific British woman…

 

INFERNAL MACHINE

Kiera Knightly perhaps? Or Angela Lansbury? Or a British woman in your personal life whose vocal patterns you would like me to algorithmically emulate?

 

OLIVER

No! No, this…this is fine. Scotland is part of Great Britain, as you said. Let’s…let’s just move on. Give me another customer.

 

[Legion assistant chime of affirmation.]

 

INFERNAL MACHINE

Streaming random resident.

 

RED LINE RESIDENT 2 (DS Oswald)

Legion – I don’t know what to watch.

 

OLIVER

That’s more of a statement than a question.

 

LEON

Don’t you have algorhythms to do this kind of work?

 

NARRATOR
Of course! But this is much funnier. The algorithms handle the bulk of the work, but we can still keep Oliver occupied.

 

INFERNAL MACHINE

Would you like to offer this resident a recommendation?

 

OLIVER
Am I to guess at random what this person enjoys watching?

 

INFERNAL MACHINE

I can provide a list of the customer’s recent viewing and reactions to selected media if that would be of assistance.

 

OLIVER
Hmm, yes, please do that.

 

INFERNAL MACHINE
The last five movies this customer watched were: Little Nicky; Waterworld; Medium-Sized Nicky; The Happening; and How the Grinch Stole Veterans’ Day. He rated Waterworld two stars; all the others he gave five stars. Of the comedies, he laughed most frequently during The Happening, which elicited 17 chuckles, 1 giggle, 11 LOLs, and 2 guffaws. Would you like to hear audio playback of his instances of laughter?

 

OLIVER

No! No, that’s quite alright. Let’s just…eh, that was that plant apocalypse movie, yes? I think we can work with that. Let’s try suggesting Little Shop of Horrors.

 

INFERNAL MACHINE

The customer has not shown a prior inclination toward musicals.

 

OLIVER
Hmm, I suspect this person is the sort who partakes of recreational pharmaceuticals while ingesting media?

 

INFERNAL MACHINE

Routinely, yes.

 

OLIVER
Mm, then it will be fine. Make the recommendation.

 

[Legion assistant chime of affirmation.]

 

LEGION ASSISTANT

Based on your viewing of The Happening, I recommend the film Little Shop of Horrors in concert with quasi-legal narcotics.

 

RED LINE RESIDENT 2

Cool, I’ve got my bowl packed already! Let’s do it!

 

OLIVER
That one was rather tedious. But let’s move on to the next.

 

[Legion assistant chime of affirmation.]

 

INFERNAL MACHINE

Streaming random resident.

 

RED LINE RESIDENT 3 (Lark Rodenbush)

Legion – can you tell me how to know if what I’m feeling is love?

 

OLIVER
Oh…uh…

 

NARRATOR
Haha, oh, oh boy, good luck with this one, Oliver!

 

LEON
You’re just frustrating him toward no purpose.

 

NARRATOR

Oh, there’s always a purpose. To serve my amusement is a purpose.

 

LEON
It’s cruel.

 

NARRATOR

Why do you care how I treat Oliver?

 

LEON

I don’t need to like someone to feel compassion for them.

 

[Sinnister music plays.]

 

NARRATOR

It’s more than that. You push back on me when we narrate him. He’s played the villain this entire time, but you’re still fighting for him. You’ve made him one of your projects!

 

LEON

One of my…what?

 

NARRATOR

Your projects. The broken people you befriend so that you can fix them. Michael always thought he was so dependent on you, but he never had a clue how much you fed off his need. Why did you get on that roller coaster with Nica, exactly? To make *her* feel needed? Ha! You broke things off with Louisa because she had no big problem for you to mend. None you could see, anyway.

 

But then you died. Suddenly you were irrelevant.

 

But then comes Oliver. Sad, misguided Oliver, who only ever wanted to be a better man than his father. Such a low bar, and yet, he keeps falling short.

 

And here you are, so eager to build him up into the man that you think he ought to be. So desperate to unearth the villain’s secret heart of gold.

 

So selfless of you, isn’t it?

 

Or is it?

 

[Music fades]

 

LEON

You think you know people so well, don’t you?

 

NARRATOR

I literally speak aloud their innermost thoughts. I’d damn well better.

 

OLIVER
Ah, I’ve got it! Doohicky, please convey: *clears throat* You know you’re in love when your desire to satisfy the needs of another person exceeds your financial means for doing so.

 

LEON
Oliver, no…

 

NARRATOR
Ah, that’s my boy, Oliver.

 

[Legion assistant chime of affirmation.]

 

LEGION ASSISTANT

You know you’re in love when your desire to satisfy the needs of another person exceeds your financial means for doing so.

 

RED LINE RESIDENT 3

Oh…wow. So…the poorer I am, the more certain I can be that I’m in love? That’s deep…

 

OLIVER
Yes, yes, I think I have a good handle on this one, hnh. Who’s next?

 

PRODUCTION

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with additional production assistance from T. H. Ponders, Bob Raymonda, and Jordan Stillman. Recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This mini-episode was written and produced by Alexander Danner with dialogue editing by Bob Raymonda.

 

CAST

This episode featured:

• Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis
• Mike Linden as Oliver West
• Terrell Worrell Jr. and Bonnie Aspinworth Calder as the Legion Assistant
• Alexander Danner as the Narrator
• Theo Wolf as Red Line Resident 1
• DS Oswald as Red Line Resident 2
• and Lark Rodenbush as Red Line Resident 3

 

MUSIC

• Charlie on the MTA recorded by Dirk Tiede and Emily Peterson
• Charlie on the MTA chiptune by Neil Johnson

 

Transcripts are available at GreaterBostonShow.com

Follow us on Twitter @InGreaterBoston

 

Content Notes

• Strong Language
• Manipulative behavior
• Reference to the Devil’s Lettuce
• A cynical commodification of love
• The Narrator being a total dick

 

COOKIE

 

MIKE LINDEN (Yokel voice)

Cool, I’ve got my bowl packed already, leeet’s do it!

 

ALEXANDER DANNER

[Weird voice…sort of dipping into Irish accent?] Och! That’s my boy!

 

[Cracks up]

 

[Regular voice] I don’t know what that was!