Episode 20: Criminals

COLD OPEN

CHUCK OCTAGON – Jeff Van Dreason
Which criminal figure from Boston history fascinates you the most and why?

MALE INTERVIEW 1
Boston…criminals?

CHUCK OCTAGON
Yeah. Can you …think of any?

MALE INTERVIEW 1
No.

CHUCK
No, none?

MALE INTERVIEW 1
No.

CHUCK
Okay.

MALE INTERVIEW 1
I mean, well, I went to prison and he…uhh, in my high school, he was, I guess, a criminal.

 

 

 

[Charlie on the MTA begins playing]

 

And he learned his mistake. And, umm. Yeah he like basically like taught us like, don’t you know, do this stuff, like. This what happened. So he basically like teach us like, bad over good. And that’s pretty nice of him. Like, he learned what he did wrong and he brings that to other teens, or like, don’t do that. Like…he shared his stories, like…stuff…that was pretty, like, cool.

 

 

 

PREVIOUSLY IN GREATER BOSTON

 

Arun Sannuti

 

Previously…in Greater Boston.

GEMMA LINZER-COOLIDGE — Lydia Anderson
If the Bespin’s report some kind of crime, we’d need to investigate it, right?

CHARLOTTE LINZER-COOLIDGE — Summer Unsinn
Are you listening to yourself right now?

DIPSHIT POLETTI — James Capobianco
I’m afraid we’ve decided to take a firm hand. We’re cutting squeezy stress balls from our budget entirely.

MICHAEL TATE — James Oliva
Ohhh, man.

TYRELL FREDERICKS— Arun Sannuti
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you want to help someone who is clearly struggling or in pain, but helping them would force you into an unethical position?

TITLE SEQUENCE

 

Multiple Voices

 

Red Line

 

Arlington
Cambridge
I’m from Dorchester.
Jamaica Plain
Revere
Uhh…I’ve lived in Leominster my whole life.
Hanson
Wellesley
(hate that town)
Lowell
Lexington
Red Line
Worcester
Uhh…I’m from Somerville
Peabody
Tewksbury
Hyde Park
Roslindale
Andover
Dorchester
Newton
Framingham
Medford, Massachusetts
This Is
Lowell
Fenway Park
Red Line!
This Is

 

Revere
Metheuen
This Is
This Is
This Is
Greater Boston

 

 

 

EPISODE CONTENTS

 

Alexander Danner

 

This week in Greater Boston, Episode 20, Criminals.

 

[Charlie on the MTA fades out]

 

[Oliver’s Theme plays]

 

[Pneumatic Tube noise]

 

 

 

TOTALLY TUBULAR

 

LEON — Braden Lamb
Bishop to C4.

OLIVER WEST — Mike Linden

 

Bishop to C4.

 

[Piece moved on the board]

 

Interesting. A touch more aggressive than last time, Mr. Stamatis. I think I may be getting under your skin with this game, hmm? Oh I suppose that’s insensitive given your condition. What’s it like, not having any skin? I imagine it would feel a great deal more liberating than having it. Skin, bodies, such cumbersome things. One of the many reasons I prefer not to move around. All those people down there, buzzing and bustling and bumping into one another. There’s no order in that, no matter how fast they buzz or how hard they bump. They’re all just convincing themselves that the faster they move the more they’re doing. But we know better, don’t we Mr. Stamatis? We know that true order, true control, happens not with motion but with stasis.

 

Moves need to be measured out slowly. Calculated with care, not forced forward all frenzied and frantic like decapitated poultry. For every action there is a reaction. So what kinds of countermoves must I plan for you, Mr. Stamatis? What are you up to?

 

(Tube arrives).

 

Let’s see what my most annoying and loyal subordinate has to say today.

 

[Oliver’s theme cuts, Dipshit’s theme plays].

 

DIPSHIT — James Capobianco

 

Dear Mightiest Promulgator:

 

Forgive me for delaying your lunch, but I thought it would be wise to inform you that our mutual friend at the Garden of Death has requested yet again to meet you face to face. She was quite insistent on it, to the point where I worried she may have slipped something inside the minced tuna cancer-carcass tubed in complex carbohydrates you’re primed to consume. I suspect it may be something even more repulsive than that which you regularly draw your formidable energy from. I’d offer to taste test it for you, but as I’m sure you’re aware by now, I am vegan and my spiritual commitments prevent me from actively participating in the degradation of any animal, living or dead. Forgive my failings in this regard, but I thought it would be wise to pass on how aggressive this particular contact is becoming. She became quite hostile at the very sight of me and told me to pass on the following message.

 

“Hold the beans.”

 

Your loyal subordinate,

 

Dipshit Poletti.

 

[Dipshit’s theme cuts, Oliver’s theme continues].

 

OLIVER

 

It seems your sibling requires another reminder about her position on the board, Mr. Stamatis.

 

Speaking of position: Queen to F3.

 

[Piece moves on the board]

 

I wonder if you think of your sister as a piece I’ve claimed from you. A captured pawn, perhaps?

 

You should know I don’t view her as such. If you’ll allow me to continue the allegory, I saw her more as a trapped king, ready to surrender to the chaos of being boxed in by countless aggressive opponents surrounding her position.

 

She needed someone to show her all the various strategies and moves that were at her disposal, if she were willing to simply embrace her position and try them. I gave that to her. I gave her the comfort of control. Action. Reaction.

 

Granted, she was in an extremely delicate position. She’d lost you, after all. Your younger brother abandoned her. She was alienated from her city, its citizens. She was disappointed in her own actions, or lack thereof.

 

And there I was, reaching out and promising Nica the gift of knowledge when she was at her lowest, when no-one else was willing to see the potential she carried. Perhaps nobody understood what she needed. There’s no better cure for one suffering chaos than the opportunity to become the chaos. The answer to chaos is order, as you know. But chaos isn’t something you can truly control, not really. So the real secret to maintaining order lies within creating controlled chaos.

 

(Tube arrives).

 

Ahh. My lunch.

 

(Tube arrives).

 

Have you made your next move so soon? That seems unlikely.

 

[Oliver’s theme cuts, Isolation begins to play]

 

AUTUMN WEST — Beth Eyre

 

Dear Ollie,

 

[Isolation cuts off abruptly back to Oliver’s theme. Oliver sighs].

 

OLIVER

 

How many times have I told her I despise that juvenile moniker?

 

[Back to Isolation].

 

AUTUMN

 

I wanted to remind you about Ada’s krunk dancing practice tomorrow evening. You said you’d bring him to the last one. You said you’d make it to the last three, in fact. I know you’re busy with work. And I’m trying, Ollie. I want to believe there’s hope. But if you honestly want to remain a part of my future, you need to be less busy with work and much busier with us. Help Ada with his krunking. Or at least watch him krunk. He needs to see that. I need to see it too. We need more of you, less of these damn tubes.

 

Sincerely,

 

Autumn

 

[Music transition back to Oliver’s theme]

 

OLIVER

 

Hmmm….Krunking. It takes all of my power to force my mouth to form the syllables required to spit out the word. I’d understand if it was some other form of dance. Dancing takes considerable control and study mixed with natural grace. But this krunking claptrap? I don’t understand what he sees in it. Human beings forcing their bodies into mechanical, apparently painful positions at extremely varying speeds, making them look like short-circuiting androids who’ve had buckets of cold water dumped over their heads?

 

Oh, I suppose there is a competitive element to it. Frequently the dancers face off and direct their krunk-moves at each other in some kind of showdown that resembles the end of a Godzilla feature, if Godzilla and Mothra were replaced by two monster-sized classically-trained ballet-dancing epileptics in the midst of dual seizures. But how can I help Ada overcome his opponent when I don’t even understand what it means to out-krunk someone?

 

It was so much easier when he played T-Ball. Oh, Ada was terrible, but I understood the game then. I could advise him. And when his T-Ball team’s opponents regularly outscored his, I simply bought the companies that sponsored their teams and liquified their resources. It ended the league, but in the end, Ada and the rest of of the Brookline Bombers Sponsored by the Regal Beagle stood alone in the t-ball battlefield. Alone and victorious.

 

Perhaps I will force myself to make an appearance at this krunk recital. For I know my place on the board. You must think I’m some raging egomaniac, Mr. Stamatis. You must think I have a much higher opinion of myself than I do. All of this planning, this strategy, the controlled chaos I’m manipulating for my ends? It’s a long con indeed. But it will do more than save my publishing empire, it’ll allow everyone to see that it is vital. Influential even. And then, even Autumn will understand my ambitions. Third Sight won’t only have a future, Third Sight will be the future. Journalism before the story. Publishing before the prose. The internet nearly made us obsolete because the internet moves at the speed of thought. Third Sight will soon be faster than that. Third Sight will move beyond the limits of time. And so, by extension, will I. And so will Ada. And Autumn. I will be a part of their future because I will be the future.

 

Oh, how can I make time to watch Ada krunk when I have an entire future to mold for him like a great renaissance sculptor. Sculptor of the gods.

 

(Tube arrives)

 

Black King concedes. Player surrenders.

 

[Piece is knocked over]

 

Why — why would you do that? You have — you have more pieces than I do. Superior positioning. I — I don’t —

 

(Tube arrives)

 

Urrrrgh, what now?

 

[Oliver’s theme cuts, distorted version of Dipshit’s theme plays]

 

DIPSHIT

 

There have been quite a few incidents regarding employees sneaking extra squeezy stress balls for personal use. We have a limited supply left and I’d like to relocate them to the charm-protected secure supply closet. Would you kindly remind me of the security parameters needed for entrance?

 

OLIVER

 

Hmm, Mr. Poletti isn’t sounding nearly his typical, reverent self. Perhaps an overtly cruel reminder of my power is in order. I hardly have time to be his subordinate. I have a future to sculpt and your abrupt surrender to contemplate.

 

But those expensive stress releasers aren’t going to suppress themselves, I suppose.

 

Dearest Mr. Poletti —

 

[Oliver’s theme fades out]

 

 

 

INTERVIEW MONTAGE – FAVORITE BOSTON CRIMINAL?

 

CHUCK OCTAGON – Jeff Van Dreason
Which criminal figure from Boston’s history fascinates you the most, and why?

 

FEMALE INTERVIEW 1
Is Whitey Bulger one?

FEMALE INTERVIEW 2
I think the only one I know is Whitey Bulger, WHO, I think I saw…in UMASS Boston parking lot in the…early 90’s.

MALE INTERVIEW 2
Oh, it has to be Whitey Bulger. Um, Whitey Bulger definitely…he was an Irish…you know, he…he ruled Southie back in, what, the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s? ‘Round then?

MALE INTERVIEW 3
The only…the only one I can think of is Whitey Bulger.

MALE INTERVIEW 4
Yeah, and —

MALE INTERVIEW 3
And like, half the people I know kinda look at him as like a hero.

 

MALE INTERVIEW 4 / FEMALE INTERVIEW 3
Oh, no. Oh, yeah. / Well, that’s disturbing.

MALE INTERVIEW 3
It’s like — !

MALE INTERVIEW 5
Whitey Bulger because he got away with what he got away with for so long.

MALE INTERVIEW 6
It would probably have to be Whitey Bulger.

FEMALE INTERVIEW 3
I’d say Whitey Bulger because I have relatives who knew him, who …lived in the neighborhood and ultimately moved because the, you know…

FEMALE INTERVIEW 4
Actually, I like criminals a lot.

 

CHUCK
(laughter)

FEMALE INTERVIEW 4
(laughing) That’s…something bad to say, but. Mrr…uhh, umm. What’s his name? Jeffrey Dahmer was one of my favorites…so. One murder that did happen fascinates me the most so the murderer must fascinate me. He like, burned the body near English High School? And left it there? I think that fascinates me the most.

CHUCK
Why is that?

FEMALE INTERVIEW 4
Because every time I drive past there I’m like, ‘there was a burning body back there.”

CHUCK
Hmm. That’s prety creepy.

 

 

 

MISSING PERSON

 

(Phone ringing then beep. Atmosphere apartment noises throughout)

 

MICHAEL — James Oliva

 

Hello?

 

LOUISA — Julia Propp

 

Hey! Are you okay? I haven’t heard from you in a while.

 

MICHAEL

 

Man, I am swamped. The tubes. They won’t stop coming.

 

LOUISA

 

The tubes?

 

MICHAEL

 

Article requests from the man upstairs, mostly. Musta pissed him off. Maybe crossed astrological style-guides again? I don’t know. Want to Netflix-in-the-Net binge-watch tonight? Second season of The Bright Sessions came out a couple days ago.

 

LOUISA

 

Oh, it’s SO good. I like mainlined it the day it came out.

 

MICHAEL

 

Oh. Already?

 

LOUISA

 

Yeah, I’m sorry. Phil is like a really big fan and he got us all excited about it so we just ordered up some sausage and eggplant Armando’s and went to town.

 

MICHAEL

 

Ahhh, no big deal, I probably won’t have time to watch it at this rate anyway.

 

LOUISA

 

We should hang out soon, though! Maybe Thursday? It looks like you’re free for lunch.

 

MICHAEL

 

To be honest, I – I’ve been so busy I haven’t been updating the calendar. But I’ll do that when I get home tonight and then we can see what’s available.

 

LOUISA

 

Sounds like a plan. Don’t let them overwork you too much, okay? Don’t you guys have HR?

 

MICHAEL

 

Yeah. Honestly, he’s been really great to me. Keeps sneaking me these stress balls that help calm me down, even though he’s not supposed to.

 

(Pause)

 

Hey. I am really happy about Phil.

 

LOUISA

 

Oh, god, it’s nothing at this point.

 

MICHAEL

 

I hope it’s something. I hope it’s a good something. You deserve it. Especially after everything with Leon. I know he was a good friend. But I know he could also be — mm…difficult?

 

LOUISA

 

He couldn’t have been that bad. He had you, after all.

 

(Pause)

 

Michael?

 

MICHAEL

 

Sorry. It just — it just dawned on me that…uhh. I mean, so much of how I see Leon is what he did for me. How he helped me. I never really considered — I never uhh — I hadn’t thought uhh —

 

LOUISA

 

You never considered what he was getting out of the deal? Based on where I’m standing? He got a fuck-ton of quality friendship.

 

MICHAEL

 

Thanks.

 

LOUISA

 

Now get to work so we can schedule some time to hang out.

 

MICHAEL

 

You got it, boss lady.

 

LOUISA

 

Never say that again.

 

MICHAEL

 

You got it, Lou.

 

LOUISA

 

Or that.

 

MICHAEL

 

Alright. You got it, L.A.

 

LOUISA

 

Ugh, goodbye M.T.

 

(Louisa hangs up. Her phone instantly rings).

 

LOUISA

 

(Picking up). Hello?

 

GEMMA — Lydia Anderson

 

We got a job. Big Red vandalism and break-in.

 

LOUISA

 

Ughh. You guys really need to get another crime photographer.

 

GEMMA

 

We’ll add it to the list.

 

LOUISA

 

I was just about to check out Little Donkey with Phil!

 

GEMMA

 

I don’t even wanna know what kind of euphemism that is for you weirdo breeders.

 

LOUISA

 

No, no, no — oh, god.

 

GEMMA

 

I need you on this, okay? It’s important.

 

LOUISA

 

That sounds…ominous.

 

GEMMA

 

More than something called Little Donkey?

 

LOUISA

 

It’s a restaurant!

 

GEMMA

 

Just meet me in 45. Ashmont line, headed inbound now. If it keeps its schedule we should hit it at Fields Corner.

 

GEMMA

 

Fine.

 

(Hangs up)

 

(Sound of Red Line train to signal time passing).

 

RUSTY – Jim Johanson

 

(over intercom)

 

Hey there, folks. Thanks to a little untimely police activity, we’re gonna be hanging tight at Field’s Corner for a few. I know times like this can be frustrating and some of you have jobs to get to, even if this doesn’t fall within the typical 9 to 5. If you’re a citizen and need to transition to other forms of transportation just remember to submit your travel reimbursement to the head car by the end of the month.

 

Non-citizens headed to work? Sorry about that. Maybe consider Red Line residence. Ask your rail-hosts for more info.

 

Shouldn’t take long. Just need to give city investigators time to document what happened. They’re gonna scope out outside. Once they head inside, we should get moving again.

 

(train slows and stops, sound of station atmosphere)

 

GEMMA

 

Took you long enough. More of that little donkey business?

 

LOUISA

 

Shut-up. What do we got? (Seeing something). Whoa.

 

GEMMA

 

Yeah.

 

(camera noises)

 

LOUISA

 

“Missing person.”

 

GEMMA

 

Spray-Painted over the whole Big Red.

 

LOUISA

 

Who’s the resident, what do we know?

 

GEMMA

 

That’s the thing—

 

LOUISA

 

Yeeeees?

 

GEMMA

 

It’s the Bespins’ place. They own both of these Big Reds.

 

LOUISA

 

Gemma.

 

GEMMA

 

I know what you’re thinking, but I had nothing to do with this graffiti, I swear!

 

LOUISA

 

That’s awfully convenient.

 

GEMMA

 

Look, if I was going to spray paint all over this she-beast’s house, it’d be something along the lines of, uhh, QUEEN McCOLOSSAL ASSHOLE.

 

LOUISA

 

Nobody dislikes them more than me. I’ve actually worked for them before, remember that.

 

(Snapping photographs)

 

GEMMA

 

And you’ll be working for them again if she ends up as Mayor. So remember that too.

 

(Pause)

 

Look, um. When we get inside, be liberal with your film if you know what I mean.

 

LOUISA

 

You’re really not putting me at ease about having nothing to do with this.

 

GEMMA

 

Look at me. I swear to you. On the curve of that crystal ball. I had nothing to do with this graffiti.

 

LOUISA

 

Fair enough. Is she home? How are we going to get inside?

 

GEMMA

 

I have access. We can go in whenever you’re ready.

 

LOUISA

 

Without them or a warrant?

 

GEMMA

 

It’s a crime scene. It’s been reported. And we can’t have the trains delayed for hours every time we need to wait for someone to come home.

 

LOUISA

 

Doesn’t that violate her constitutional rights?

 

GEMMA

 

That’s what’s written into their rail home contract. Every resident who has a lawyer worth his salt knows this is the price of admission.

 

LOUISA

 

This is the price of admission?

 

GEMMA

 

Yes, this and the constant motion, noise, smell of piss, rats — when you sign something, your rights go down the toilet, okay?

 

LOUISA

 

(Snaps photo)

 

Weird.

 

GEMMA

 

What?

 

LOUISA

 

It kinda looks like the window was broken from the inside.

 

GEMMA

 

But there’s glass on the inside though.

 

LOUISA

 

Yeah, but the pattern is all wrong and if you look at the impact of the glass? The stress marks imply someone hit it on the inside rather than the other way around. Glass must have been moved after the fact

 

GEMMA

 

You can tell all that from taking its picture?

 

LOUISA

 

(Snaps pictures)

 

What can I say? Got a good eye.

 

GEMMA

 

You ready to go in?

 

LOUISA

 

Sure.

 

(Red Line Doors)

 

RUSTY (Loudspeaker)

 

Okay folks, looks like we’re ready to get under way again. Watch the doors, hang on tight and if you’re a visitor to our fair city, try to be extra courteous to your rail hosts.

 

(hangs up)

 

LOUISA

 

Doesn’t look like much was taken. A few things knocked over, but this place is filled with expensive junk. None of this makes sense.

 

(GEMMA pulling open drawers, rifling papers)

 

LOUISA

 

What are you doing?

 

GEMMA

 

Hey, if we’re here we might as well take advantage.

 

LOUISA

 

Charlotte asked you explicitly not to —

 

GEMMA

 

Charlotte asked me to do my job and right now that’s all I’m doing. I’m some weird kind of city-crime overseer person, right? I’m investigating a crime. If I stumble upon another crime in the process? Whoppty shit, I guess I’m having a busy day.

 

(train takes off in the background0

 

LOUISA

 

You said you didn’t do this.

 

GEMMA

 

I said the spray paint wasn’t me and it wasn’t.

 

LOUISA

 

So you broke in then.

 

GEMMA

 

No. I broke out. You’re very good at this detective business, by the way.

 

LOUISA

 

I’m not having any part of this.

 

GEMMA

 

Look, I broke a window, okay? I snuck in…but didn’t want to look around until I could be protected under the guise of the law. So I broke a window and here we are. And this spray paint shit? That happened anyway, it’s the reason I came out here in the first place, so the way I see it, this is divine goddamn intervention.

 

(Monty whimpers)

 

Sorry, Monty. Hey. Hey – hey – hey, look at this.

 

LOUISA

 

No.

 

OLIVER WEST

 

Dear Ms. Bespin,

 

I have been following with great interest your efforts to file legal proceedings against the city of Red Line, pursuant to the appropriation of your wedding photos and matrimonial service concept.

 

(paper shuffling noise)

 

GEMMA

 

This is it. This is everything right here. Come get a picture of this.

 

LOUISA

 

No.

 

GEMMA

 

Fine, I’ll do it.

 

(Snaps pictures with iPhone)

 

LOUISA

 

You could have done that without dragging me into this, you know.

 

GEMMA

 

I know.

 

LOUISA

 

Well, thanks so much for thinking of me.

 

GEMMA

 

I —

 

(Sighs)

 

I didn’t want to do it alone. I mean, Monty’s here but — but no offense Monty, you’re too young to be a partner in crime. I was scared.

 

LOUISA

 

Gemma, I don’t want to be your — (gasps) What’s — who’s that?

 

GEMMA

 

Jesus Mary and motherfucking Joseph!

 

LOUISA

 

Sir? Are — are you okay?

 

GEMMA

 

Is he knocked out?

 

LOUISA

 

Sir?

 

GEMMA

 

Hello? Anyone home, big fella?

 

LOUISA

 

Oh my god. Oh my god, it’s Ethan. It’s it’s her husband.

 

GEMMA

 

He’s dead.

 

ETHAN ROBOT

 

(Whirring to life)

 

—ruuuuuhhhh and some cheeses may be deliberately left to ferment from natural airborne spores and bacteria.

 

GEMMA

 

He’s a cheese robot.

 

LOUISA

 

I gotta get a new job.

 

(red line door noise)

 

DEAR DIARY

 

(Unseen Green plays, handwriting noise throughout)

 

TYRELL — Arun Sannuti

 

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written you and much has changed. Change is a funny thing. It implies a sudden shift of rapid action. I experienced such a sudden shift the last time I wrote to you, standing on the Longfellow bridge, watching that woman throw her bottle into the Charles.

 

But I now believe most change happens slowly, the long, low rumble of thunder as opposed to the fast flash of lightning.

 

I find myself in a unique position. I want to help someone at work who is under considerable duress, as I once was. But to help him would place myself and my job at considerable risk.

 

Surprisingly, I am unconcerned about these risks. My job was the reason for my original sorrow, and now that I’ve embraced new hope and purpose, it’s time to stop reflecting and start acting.

 

(Unseen Green ends, intense Heist-Prep music plays)

It’s time for me to do something bold, to throw my bottle into the Charles, so to speak. To inspire someone else as someone once inspired me.

 

And so I’m about to embark on a secret, dangerous mission, a mission that many would agree betrays my position in human resources at Third Sight. Not I. All too often, people responsible for human resources fail to live up to that very name, playing the part of employee advocate, but acting as nothing more than a company stooge.

 

But today, I will be a resource. A human resource. As will the many, many balls I plan to steal and secure for a friend.

 

—Tyrell

 

 

 

THE GREAT THIRD-SIGHT SQUEEZY STRESS BALL HEIST

 

NARRATOR — Alexander Danner

 

Okay, thought Tyrell as he walked into Third Sight carrying two boxes of Union Square donuts. Okay. I can do this. I’ve got this.

 

He realized as long as he’d been alive, he’d never self-referenced the words “I’ve got this.” Hearing them in his head was yet another surprising change and perhaps even more surprising? He believed the words. He had his plan and knew he could pull it off. Tyrell would secure those balls if it was the last thing he did.

 

TYRELL

 

Hey Natalie, Hey Allison. I ran out for lunch and got donuts!

 

NATALIE — MJ Cogburn

 

Oooh, nice!

 

ALLISON — Hari Rai Khalsa

 

Sea-salted bourbon caramel?

 

TYRELL

 

You know it.

 

NATALIE

 

(Mouth full of donut)

 

You so rock, Tyrell. Mmmhmm.

 

(High fives)

 

NARRATOR

 

Stage one: distraction.

 

LEON

 

Bishop to C4.

 

NARRATOR

 

Nothing distracted like sweets in the break room. And the break room was on the other side of the super secure supply closet, which only two Third Sight employees had access to.

 

TYRELL

 

Hey Wanda, hey Abdulaziz. Donut?

MAX– Maxximillian Dafoe
Fuck yes! Maple bacon?

 

WANDA

 

Ahah, that’s what’s up!

 

ROGER — Ben Flaumenhaft

 

You’re a lifesaver, Tyrell.

 

TYRELL

 

Plenty more. I’m going to make the rounds and drop the rest in the break room.

 

NARRATOR

 

Stage two: gain the security clearance for the supply closet. He wouldn’t likely get the clearance from Extiniton — uhh. Dipshit. So instead, he needed to distract Dipshit too. Distract Dipshit and then pretend to be Dipshit.

 

LEON

 

Manipulating Dip — uhh, Mr. Poletti. An interesting move.

 

TYRELL

 

Hey Tom, hey Jonas. Have you guys seen the boss?

 

JONAS — Jim Johanson

 

You mean Dipshit?

 

TOM — Rick Coste

 

Haven’t seen him Tyrell, but I’d be happy to look for him. (Calling). Dipshit!

 

JONAS

 

DIPSHIT! C’mere DIPSHIT! TYRELL NEEDS YOU DIPSHIT! Hey, are those donuts?

 

TOM

 

Are they Dipshit’s donuts?

 

TYRELL

 

They’re for everyone. Here, Jonas, that’s a vegan one.

 

JONAS

 

Sweet.

TYRELL
I’ll have a few more in the break room.

TOM
Gonna grab a coffee, come on.

 

DIPSHIT

 

I see you purchased more office donuts. I hope you didn’t waste company money on such fattening frivolity.

 

TYRELL

 

I paid for them. They’re for the office.

 

DIPSHIT

 

I don’t suppose there are any vegan ones left in there.

 

TYRELL

 

I bought you a half-dozen.

 

DIPSHIT

 

For the office?

 

TYRELL

 

For you. A half a dozen vegan donuts. Just for you.

 

DIPSHIT

 

I — that’s — that’s incredibly wasteful, Tyrell. Shame on you. Do you know how much environmental damage is caused just by the creation of one of your precious rotund pastries? Not to mention the glutinous act of assuming one human being could and should consume more than one. There’s world hunger and crippling poverty to concern yourself with before you go overboard with your insane desire to kill our colleagues with calories.

 

TYRELL

 

You can take them home. Or give them to Jonas. Or let someone else have them.

 

DIPSHIT

 

Which flavor are the vegan ones?

 

TYRELL

 

Vanilla bean.

 

DIPSHIT

 

I’ll try one. Th—thank you, Tyrell.

 

TYRELL

 

You’re welcome. The rest will be in Michael’s office if you want more.

 

DIPSHIT

 

Why there?

 

TYRELL

 

I think he has a question for you.

 

NARRATOR

 

Stage three was to secure Michael an alibi. When word got out the balls were gone, Michael would be a prime suspect and that just wouldn’t do.

 

LEON

 

Michael is working on a Dear Leon letter. Perhaps I should help him finish it.

 

TYRELL

 

Hey Michael. Donut?

 

MICHAEL

 

Hey, Tyrell. Thanks, I — I barely have time for any today.

 

TYRELL

 

I’ll leave one here just in case. More in the break room if you get hungry.

 

MICHAEL

 

Thanks!

 

TYRELL

 

Hey, umm. Dipshit should pop in your office in about a minute. He’s going to ask you what your question is. Could you hand him something for me when he asks that?

 

MICHAEL

 

Uhh, sure, I guess.

 

TYRELL

 

Just give him this envelope.

 

MICHAEL

 

You got it.

 

NARRATOR

 

Tyrell dropped the rest of the donuts off in the break room, where all the employees were already savoring all the flavors.

ALLISON
Ah, yes! Baked funtime donut cones! These are my favorite!

 

TYRELL

 

Enjoy, everyone!

[Door shuts and locks]

 

NARRATOR

 

He locked the door behind him. Only for a few minutes. Now the time crunch began. He needed to work fast.

 

MAX

 

Did Tyrell just lock the door?

 

RODGER

 

There’s donuts. Who gives a shit?

 

NARRATOR

 

Back towards Dipshit’s office, far enough away not to be noticed. Dipshit was in the process of sending the daily tuna up the tube. Tyrell hid behind a large banner outlining several psychic symbols. Harmony: an eight sprocketed gear under a horizontal crescent moon. Adaptability: some kind of turtle-lizard hybrid. Freedom and emancipation: two childlike drawings of pants combined and facing away from each other at the seam.

 

Finally, Dipshit headed towards Michael’s office.

 

LEON

 

Fascinating planning. Black king concedes. Player surrenders.

 

(piece knocked over)

 

NARRATOR

 

The timing was crucial. Tyrell needed every second he could spare. He rushed into Dipshit’s office and sent his forged message up the tube.

(Tube sound)

 

And he waited.

 

And waited.

 

And waited.

(Knock in the distance)

 

He heard a faint knock on the break room door.

 

And finally —

 

(Tube arrives, heist music cuts, Oliver’s Theme plays)

 

OLIVER

 

Dearest Mr. Poletti —

 

The code for the secure supply closet is 2914. Say “campfire death duty” three times before crossing the threshold to disarm the charm. Reset the charm before leaving via the Stanton-Manning method, drawing a Nazar symbol clearly inside a solid representation of an Ankh on the floor in front of you. Repeat the charm code above three times and then swiftly exit the door. Make sure the door is locked, but do not attempt to open it without disarming the charm. That would be a serious waste of printer ink.

 

And remember who you’re addressing the next time you submit such a request. Show me more of your typical humility.

 

(Oliver’s theme cuts, back to tense heist music)

 

NARRATOR

 

Tyrell rushed to the regular supply closet where the abundance of spare stress balls were already stowed in mail carts.

 

TYRELL

 

And off we go.

(More determined heist music plays, along with pushcart noise)

 

NARRATOR

 

He pushed the balls down the hall, to the left, past Dipshit’s office.

 

(Loud, distant knocking from break room)

MAX
Tyrell!

 

NARRATOR

 

To the secret secure supply closet.

 

(Unlocking noise)

 

TYRELL

 

Campfire death duty, campfire death duty, campfire death duty.

(Door opens and shuts)

 

NARRATOR

 

Being in HR had its privileges. No, he wasn’t allowed access into the super secret supply closet. But he did know its contents, including a special pneumatic tube. The only one used to transport messages outside of the office.

 

LEON

 

The only one Tyrell knew about, of course.

 

NARRATOR

 

It was an express message system to an executive parking spot, where Tyrell’s car was presently pre-parked, windows rolled down.

 

TYRELL

 

Balls away.

 

(Several balls being sent via the tubes)

 

NARRATOR

 

As fast as he could manage, Tyrell placed ball after ball into the tube. And when his cart was empty?

 

(Drawing on the floor)

 

TYRELL

 

I think that’s an ankh. I hope it is. We’ll find out, I guess.

 

Campfire death duty, campfire death duty, campfire death duty!

 

(Unlocking door)

 

Phew!

 

NARRATOR

 

Back to the previous closet, where another box of donuts was stored. Tyrell dropped off the cart, grabbed the box and rushed to the break room.

(Pushcart, intense door knocking, then unlocking / opening door noise).

 

WANDA

 

What the hell, Tyrell?

 

TYRELL

 

What? Oh, the door. Sorry about that. Anyway. More donuts?

 

(Cacophony of celebratory donut chants and songs, high five)

 

NARRATOR

 

Out the front door, down the elevator, out to the parking lot, racing to his car. There it was! It worked! His Mazda was loaded full of squeezy stress balls to the point where they were ready to roll out. One did, in fact. It bounced against the cement and rolled over until it stopped at someone’s foot.

(traffic noise, ball bouncing)

 

Someone —

 

Someone he — knew.

(Music abruptly cuts)

 

TYRELL

 

You!

(Childgrove plays)

 

NICA

 

You work here, right? Is your boss around?

 

TYRELL

 

Dipshit?

 

NICA

 

(Laughs)

 

Yeah, I guess you could say that. (Pause) I just really need to speak to him. I don’t — (Pause) I’m not sure I can do this anymore.

 

NARRATOR

 

He wanted to tell her everything. He wanted to explain to her just what she’d done for him. But he didn’t have the words and he needed to complete his crime. So instead?

 

Instead he bent down, picked up the squeezy stress ball and hurled it at Third Sight. She looked at him quizzically for a moment. Then she nodded with near comprehension.

 

Tyrell raced to his car and almost got in. But first, he plucked one ball from the small mountain in his car, raced back to the woman and handed it to her.

 

TYRELL

 

Here.

 

NICA

 

Thanks.

 

NARRATOR

 

And then —

(abrupt cut back to HEIST music).

–he was gone.

 

THUNDER RULER

(heist music continues to play)

 

DIPSHIT

 

Michael.

 

MICHAEL

 

Oh, hey, sorry.

 

DIPSHIT

 

You’re staring at that letter awfully hard.

 

MICHAEL

 

Yeah, it’s this Dear Leon letter I’m having a hard time responding to. This is the third, actually and I just —

 

DIPSHIT

 

You have my vegan donuts and also expressed a desire to speak with me?

 

MICHAEL

 

Uhh, oh. Here, I guess these are for you. Tyrell told me to give this to you, too.

 

(Heist music ends, Childgrove returns).

 

TYRELL

 

Dear Dipshit,

 

I understand that in our business, names can hold very important meanings. Tyrell means one who rules with Thunder. That doesn’t really sound like me. Dipshit doesn’t sound like you. Gerald sounds like you. You used to sound like Gerald. Perhaps it’s time to find that sound again.

 

I wish you luck. When I first met you, you were so passionate about the world, about nature, about human rights and about people’s well being. I hope you remember — you were once a good person and can be again. But you’ve let Third Sight turn your good qualities sour. You look at everyone and judge them, holding them to too high a standard.

 

Remember: everyone is only trying to do their best. How can you try your best? How can you try your best to help everyone else try their best?

 

With this letter, I hereby resign as human resources director of Third Sight Media.

 

—Tyrell

 

CREDITS

 

Alexander Danner

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with recording and technical assistance from Marc Harmon.

In order of appearance, this episode featured:

 

• Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis (he/him)
• Mike Linden as Oliver West (he/him)
• James Capobianco as Dipshit Poletti (he/him)
• Beth Eyre as Autumn West (she/her)
• James Oliva as Michael Tate (he/him)
• Julia Propp as Louisa Alvarez (she/her)
• Lydia Anderson as Gemma Linzer-Coolidge (she/her)
• Jim Johanson as Rusty the MBTA driver (he/him), the cheese robot, and Jonas (he/him)
• Kelly McCabe as Nica Stamatis (she/her)
• and Arun Sannuti as Tyrell Fredericks (he/him)

Also featuring MJ Cogburn, Hari Rai Khalsa, Maxximillian Dafoe, Tanja Milojevic, Ben Flaumenhaft, Rick Coste, Iri Alexander, Shane Harris, Zoe Embler and Sarah Golding as Third Sight Employees.

Interviews recorded with Greater Boston residents.

Charlie on the MTA is performed by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede. Isolation by Kevin MacLeod. Unseen Green by David Lewis. Childgrove by Dirk Tiede. Drums by Jim Johanson. Some sound effects and music used from public domain and creative commons sources.

Check out the shows from several of our special guests, including Radiation World, Mollyville, Jim Robbie and the Wanderers, the Audio Drama Production Podcast, Rick Coste Productions and Darker Projects productions.

Episode transcripts will be posted online at GreaterBostonShow.com.

 

 

 

COOKIE

 

Julia Propp
So I should be a sincere friend.

Alexander Danner
Yeah.

Julia Propp
Okay.

Jeff Van Dreason
In that moment, at least.

Julia Propp
Not a snarky friend. Okay.

Jeff Van Dreason
You can be snarky in other parts.

Alexander Danner
Yeah.

Julia Propp
Great.

Alexander Danner
But like, snarky born of actual affection.

 

(laughter)

Jeff Van Dreason (sarcastic)
Be affectionate, and snarky at the exact same time!

Julia Propp
Jeff, it’ll be like I’m talking to you, it’ll be great.

(laughter)

 

Jeff Van Dreason
Oh, yeah! I have to say that this was…that may have been a little part of it…in there.

 

(laughter)

Just kidding…