Episode 39: Good Morning Greater Boston - Part 1

COLD OPEN

 

VOICE

Affordable housing doesn’t seem as *there* as it used to be. Almost every three-family house, that you would…would’ve been an apartment is now a condominium. With rates that exceed what any Boston resident can afford, generally. Especially if you’ve been here your whole life, you’re like, wait…how? On my grandmother’s street alone, my grandmother has lived in Dorcester…technically it used to be Roxbury, they changed her ZIP code. Um, she’s lived there for over 20 years, and at the top of the street was this gorgeous three-family house. It was sold, and now each one is a condominium. For the second floor alone, they want over a half a million dollars.

 

[Charlie on the MTA plays]

 

VOICE CONTINUES

This is a neighborhood that has had so many transitions. Sometimes the straight roads aren’t even that great. But you want a half a million dollars on a second-floor apartment in a three-family? Like, no.

 

TITLES

 

MULTIPLE VOICES

[Greater Boston locations montage]

 

This is…

 

This is…

 

This is…

 

Greater Boston.

 

PREVIOUSLY

 

MARCK HARMON
Previously, on Greater Boston:

 

BEN AFFLECK

No, you can’t arrest me, I’m friends with Matt Damon!

 

NARRATOR

I’m that little voice in your head…learning from your every choice! 

 

VINCENZO

If I gotta crash out somewhere, maybe I oughta…crash with my dad?

 

CHELMSWORTH

You’re my…Jack Vincenzo!

 

PHIL
Oh, and you’re under arrest.

 

NICA
Emily, listen to me…this is all…

 

EMILY

Take her AWAY!

 

NARRATOR

And how are you faring, Mr. Stamatis? [Glass bursts.] Oh, you thought this would be so easy, didn’t you?

 

LEON

Nnope.

 

CHEESEBOTS

Nopenopenopenope

 

[Chaos]

 

BEGIN NARRATION

 

LEON STAMATIS (Braden Lamb)

Another day begins.

 

NARRATOR (Alexander Danner)

After all this time, the first words out of Leon’s mouth were a rote recitation of the obvious. Typical. He never was a creative man, even when he was still alive.

 

LEON

As the sun inevitably casts its rays down over entwined cities, some early risers are already in motion. Most remain ensconced in their beds.

 

NARRATOR

He pressed tediously on with his trite exposition, though he did make an appealing word choice with “ensconced.” That brought a modicum of color to his narration.

 

LEON

At the terminal stations of the city of Red Line, machines are activating, whirring to their facsimile of life.

 

NARRATOR

“Facsimile of life.” Sigh. Such a cliche, and he very well knew it. What would he toss in next. Simulacrum? Verisimilitude? How pompous did he intend to get with this exercise?

 

CHEESE ROBOTS (Jordan Higgs)

April 14th, 5:30 AM: Start Engines.

 

[The train powers on.]

 

NARRATOR

Finally, something worth listening to.

 

LEON

These machines have a busy day ahead of them, as they do every day. They have a routine they must follow. A schedule to keep.

 

NARRATOR

Yes, yes, the robots are just like Leon and Leon is just like a robot. Old symbolism, we get it.

 

LEON

No.

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 5:45 AM: Open doors to admit passengers.

 

LEON

Don’t call me a robot. I’m not a robot.

 

NARRATOR

I hardly see a difference.

 

LEON

I have feelings. I have memories. I’m a human.

 

NARRATOR

Ghost of a human.

 

LEON

A human ghost.

 

NARRATOR

Ooo, semantics, my favorite!

 

LEON

I don’t like to be called a robot.

 

NARRATOR

Are you clear on the point of my efforts here?

 

LEON

You’re distracting me. I have work to do. Let me get back to it.

 

NARRATOR

By all means. Tell everyone about the cheese robots, and how different they are from you.

 

LEON

They have a routine they must follow. A schedule to keep. It is programmed into them, hard-written into their memory, the repository of algorithms to which they are beholden. 

 

NARRATOR

Mm-hm.

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 6:00 AM: Exit Alewife station. Begin morning commute.

 

April 14th, 6:01 AM: Broadcast welcome message.

 

NARRATOR

Oh, I like this part!

 

[Chime]

 

EMILY BESPIN (Sam Musher)

[Recorded, intercom. Cheesy music.]

Good morning Red Line! And welcome commuters! We hope that you will enjoy your passage through our glorious city! While you are here, we ask that you follow a few simple rules of good behavior. 

 

Rule #1: No littering, no loitering! Infractions are punishable by fines up to $10,000 and incarceration up to 30 days.

 

Rule #2: Official Charlie Permits are required for entry. Hippies, socialists, and subversives are strictly prohibited! Any undesirables found in Red Line may be subject to immediate removal, or incarceration of up to 2 years.

 

Rule #3: Respect your mayor! 

 

LEON

Their schedule is a shared memory that unites them up and down the city’s tracks, unifying all these disparate entities into a single being, a single collective mind.

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

APRIL 14th, 6:15 AM: Recall having lunch with Nica Stamatis. She ordered Pad Thai with crunchy chicken. We ordered Pad Thai with shrimp and tofu.

 

[Narrator laughs]

 

LEON

No.

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 6:16 AM: Nope.

 

April 14th, 6:17 AM: Recall that we do not eat tofu or shrimp or Pad Thai. We are robots. Proceed eastbound toward Park St. Station.

 

STILL, I REGRET 1

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 6:36 AM: Arrive at Park St. Station. Open doors. Idle for three minutes to allow entry by morning commuters.

 

April 14th, 6:40 AM: Narration. New Subject: Philip West

 

LEON

Philip West escorts two men down the line of cages, two new residents of Red Line’s increasingly crowded jail. 

 

NARRATOR

He knows just where he wants to put these two.

 

PHILLIP WEST (Michael Melia)

Alright guys, this way. The cell down at the end.

 

LEON

He stops at the cell across from N…Nica Stamatis.

 

NARRATOR
He sees her sleeping there, disheveled, hair unwashed, a string of drool trailing from her mouth, down her cheek, to a slowly expanding wet spot on her threadbare pillow. She’s a miserable sight. She looks hopeless.

 

LEON
And he thinks about how the only reason he is free is because she isn’t. 

 

NARRATOR

He turns back to the task at hand, trying to push that intrusive thought away…

 

LEON

But failing.

 

NARRATOR

And puts his key in the cell door lock as quietly as he can, trying not to wake her. But he fumbles, clattering his keys against the bars. He hears her stirring behind him, disturbed by the sound.

 

LEON

He picks up the pace, eager to be away, eager, before he has to look her in the eye one more time. He shoos his two charges into their cell, and locks them in. He consoles himself that he’s done the only thing he can do for Nica now. He’s given her some company. Someone worth talking to.

 

NICA STAMATIS (Kelly McCabe)

[Groggy]

Oh my god. Is that…are you…it can’t be?

 

BEN AFFLECK (Briggon Snow)

I’m Matt Damon’s friend, Ben Affleck! And he’s Matt Damon! You can’t put Matt Damon in a jail cell!

 

PHIL

That’s just kinda my job, dude. Sorry. I don’t like it any more than you do.

 

BEN AFFLECK

That’s very unlikely!

 

PHIL

Right. Fair.

 

NARRATOR
And then he scurries away, quickly as he can, to wallow in his own eternal cowardice.

 

[Phil exits.]

 

CHEESE ROBOT
April 14th, 6:42 AM: Narration. Mid-scene POV shift. New Subject: Nica Stamatis.

 

LEON

At Shawmut Station, Nica finds herself at a near-complete loss for words, standing face-to-face, across two sets of prison bars, with the unlikeliest pair of men she could imagine.

 

BEN AFFLECK

Hello! He’s Matt Damon, and I’m Matt Damon’s friend, Ben Affleck!

 

NICA

Uh…hi.

 

THE NEW YARD GOAT

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 6:55 AM: Approach Braintree Station. Broadcast hyperbolic sports team promotion. Subject: The Red Line Yard Goats.

 

[Patriotic music for baseball]

 

THOMAS THOMAS (Richard Penner)

Can you believe it? I can’t believe it! But it’s actually happening! Red Line has our own baseball team, our own stadium, our own season of America’s pastime about to get underway! That’s right folks, construction on Park ‘n’ Ride Rooftop Stadium at Braintree station is now complete, and your Red Line Yard Goats are gnashing their teeth in anticipation!

 

You won’t want to miss seeing starting pitcher Valiance Johnson take the mound! That’s right folks–a lady pitcher! On a baseball team! Can you believe it?!

 

[Music cuts]

 

[Aside]

 

What? Why’s this copy so condescending? Who wrote this? Did you say “robots” wrote it?! Well, it doesn’t matter, I’m not reading this. This is gross.

 

[End of aside]

 

[Music resumes]

 

Valiance Johnson, folks! She’s an amazing pitcher, and I promise, you’ll be thrilled to see her play! So join me, Thomas Thomas, to take in Red Line’s first-ever home game in two week’s time, when The Yard Goats face off against The Portland Sea Dogs! I’ve consulted the stars and the planets, and it’s looking good, they’ve assured me we’re in for a truly inspiring minor-league matchup!

 

[Music fades]

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 7:00 AM: Arrive Braintree Station. Open doors. Allow passengers to exit. Idle.

 

April 14th, 7:02 AM: Narration. New Subject: Valiance Johnson. 

 

[Sounds of baseball practice. A highway audible nearby]

 

LEON

In Braintree, spring training is underway at Park ‘n’ Ride Stadium, and Valiance Johnson is warming up her pitching arm. She’s the newest member of the team. The Red Line Yard Goats. It’s a ridiculous name, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that she’s here, now. She’s made the big league. She never thought this would happen. Not that she hasn’t earned it–she *knows* she’s earned it. But she never expected anyone to admit it. To admit her. But here she is.

 

BRUCE BOSLEY (Kenny Fuentes)

Looking good out there, Johnson! Good form. Let’s see you throw some curves!

 

VALIANCE JOHNSON (Jordan Cobb)

You got it, Bruce.

 

LEON

Valiance feels good about her pitching. She’s showing her team what she’s capable of. Showing that she belongs. Bruce looks pleased. He’s cheering her on.

 

She’s not just the newest player on the team—she’s also the first woman on the team. Bruce Bosley recruited her himself, scouted her from the minors. She knows he’s after the publicity. The controversy of inclusion. But he seems earnest too. Like he really believes in her. She thinks he does, anyway. She hopes so.

 

She’s also the first player to be recruited from Red Line. The first home team player playing for her actual home. Sort of. Red Line had been her home. And then it wasn’t. And now it is again.

 

BRUCE

Why don’t you take five? Let’s talk a minute.

 

VALIANCE

Sure thing. What’s up?

 

BRUCE

Just wanted to check in with you. See how you’re settling in.

 

VALIANCE

Oh, it’s… it’s good. Feels great to have the uniform on!

 

BRUCE

That’s excellent, glad to hear it. And the boys? How’re they treating you?

 

VALIANCE

Well, you know. It’s fine.

 

BRUCE

I see. “Oh, you know. It’s fine,” is not exactly a ringing endorsement. Are they giving you problems?

 

VALIANCE

Not really? A couple of the guys have been really welcoming. A couple of others have been pretty clear they don’t want a girl on the team. Most are just keeping their distance. Honestly? I was prepared for worse.

 

BRUCE

Well, I’m glad we’re not in worst-case-scenario territory at least. Most of them’ll come around once they get a taste of how you pitch. The others…well, they’ll have to have a good think about whether they want to be on this team.

 

VALIANCE

No, you can’t kick them off for me. That’ll just make it worse with the others.

 

BRUCE

If it comes to that, it won’t be for you. It’ll be for the sake of the team as a whole. Holding pointless grudges throws off the whole works. It’s on me to handle that, and make clear exactly what it is I’m handling. But we’re not there yet, so don’t worry about it. How’s the new apartment?

 

VALIANCE

Not bad. It’s weird living all the way over in Cambridge, but at least catching the train is easy. That bell is a hell of an alarm clock. It’s just, ah… Alewife, though—didn’t that used to be housing for a lot of the transit workers?

 

BRUCE

Yeah. They cleared the whole place out when they fired everyone. Real ugly scene, the whole thing. Can’t say I feel good about it. And it sure ain’t doing the team’s image any favors.

 

VALIANCE

Yeah. It’s, uh…it’s a weird spot to be living in. I can’t help wondering whose house I’m living in.

 

BRUCE

It’s your house, Johnson. Whatever else went down had nothing to do with you.

 

VALIANCE

I guess.

 

BRUCE

Didn’t you get evicted too? After Bespin’s “proclamation?”

 

VALIANCE

I did.

 

BRUCE

So you were owed. She took your home from you, and now she gave it back. Call it even.

 

VALIANCE

I know. I guess you’re right.

 

LEON

As Valiance looked over her new team, she saw misgivings on most of their faces, outright hostility on some. Nobody said a word against her, but she could see they wanted to, restrained, she suspected, only by a stern lecture from the coach before she got here. Bruce might be a surprisingly forward thinker, but winning over the rest of the team would be an uphill battle. She was used to that, and she was ready to fight. She picked up her weapon and readied her grip, feeling the familiar pattern of stitching beneath her fingers. She had this.

 

But the situation with her housing weighed on her more heavily. Yes, she’d only gotten back what was hers in the first place. But…she was the only one. What made her special? What gave her the right to restitution, while everyone else was out in the cold? Her pitching arm? That hardly seemed enough.

 

GHOST GEIST

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 7:25 AM: Depart Davis Sq. Station.

 

April 14th, 7:30 AM: Arrive at Porter Sq Station.

 

April 14th, 8:10 AM: Narration. New Subject: Uriah Connoly.

 

[Busy restaurant atmosphere.]

 

LEON

In Red Line, South Station, Uriah Connoly is already at work, at a brand-new Pizza Ghost franchise that will open its doors for the first time on Monday morning. Uriah is filled with pride in finally owning his own business after half a lifetime of assistant manager positions across a half dozen restaurant chains. Today, he has one last staffing decision to make.

 

[Uriah dialing a phone.]

 

NARRATOR

Of course, the obligatory awkward voicemail from Uriah Connoly.

 

He rather dreaded making phone calls by this point—always calling to evict people, or tell them their brother was dead, or somesuch.

 

[The phone is ringing.]

 

At least he’s calling with better news this time. A job offer!

 

[Goes to voice mail]

 

JACK VINCENZO WELLINGTON (Ester Ellis)

[Recording]

Hello. This is my voice mail. Uh…Vincenzo. This is Vincenzo’s voice mail—and I’m Vincenzo! I guess you probably already knew that. Anyway—hi! So, uh…leave a message and stuff, and that way I can call you back! Okay? Cool.

 

URIAH CONNOLY (Ben Flaumenhaft)

This is a message for Vincenzo Wellington. My name is Uriah Connolly, and I manage the Pizza Ghost family-style restaurant franchise located on the dining level at South Station in Red Line. You recently submitted an employment application to our establishment, for the position of Pizzageist. I am calling to extend an offer of employment within this role to you.

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 6:15 AM: Narration. New Subject: Jack Vincenzo Wellington

 

[Echoey basement. Red Line train is distantly audible.]

 

LEON

In Red Line, Vincenzo Wellington awakens in the abandoned Filene’s Basement where he has been staying with his estranged father. Today he wakes to good news. He once again has a job.

 

VINCENZO

Oh, awesome!

 

URIAH [VOICE MAIL]

To be clear, “Pizzageist” is the approved terminology for a pizza delivery boy within the Pizza Ghost corporate family. You may be wondering why this position is not called “Pizza Ghost,” like the name of the restaurant, and instead uses a nearly identical, but slightly more German term for the same thing. I regret to say that I do not know the answer to this question, but using this term is a requirement of franchise guidelines.

 

[Vincenzo practices his lockpicking.]

 

LEON

Vincenzo is excited by the prospect of being a ghost, of possessing momentary access to the lives of strangers, while leaving no sign of his passing save for a hot, delicious pizza waiting on the table. He needs to hone his lockpicking skills, but he’s already spent the last three hours watching tutorials on YouTube and practicing on every lock in his father’s home.

 

URIAH [VOICE MAIL]

If you accept this position, I will expect you to arrive for your first shift at 9:50 AM, ten minutes before we open our doors to our first patrons of the day. It is your responsibility to open the doors to customers. You will not be provided a key.

 

VINCENZO

Uh oh, I’d better practice more!

 

[Lockpicking intensifies]

 

URIAH [VOICE MAIL]

You *will* be provided a car as needed, but as we expect most of our customers to be Red Line residents, you will primarily use the train network to deliver the pizzas.

 

Pizza Ghost maintains a strict dress code, requiring that all employees dress entirely in white, including belt, shoes, gloves, lockpick case, and top hat. You are responsible for acquiring and maintaining appropriate wardrobe. Personally sewing your work clothes by hand is strongly encouraged, but not strictly required.

 

VINCENZO

Well that’s good, because I’m not good at sewing at all.

 

[He gets the lock open.]

 

Got it!

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th: Narration continued from 8:10: Uriah Connoly.

 

[Restaurant atmosphere]

 

LEON

Uriah feels confident that he has made a good choice, that he has seen in Vincenzo an eager young man who will always try his best. 

 

NARRATOR

You blipped out there for a moment. Where’d you go?

 

LEON

He would be delighted if he could see how diligently Vincenzo is applying himself to learning the tools of his new trade as a Pizzageist. 

 

NARRATOR

Ah, you jumped over to Vincenzo, I suppose. That little *darling*. Ugh.

 

URIAH

Please return this call before the end of the day to confirm that you will be accepting this offer of employment. 

 

LEON

Vincenzo will be at work twenty minutes early on Monday, ready to meet Uriah’s every expectation with enthusiasm and determination.

 

URIAH/NARRATOR (MOCKING)

Thank you and God Bless.

 

NARRATOR

Yeah, yeah, we know.

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 8:42 AM: Arrive at Downtown Crossing. Open doors.

 

April 14th, 8:43 AM: Ahead of schedule. Schedule adjustment. Stand by at Downtown Crossing for two minutes.

 

PARTIAL CREDIT

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 8:48 AM: Narration. New subject: Brian Brown. Introduce new character.

 

[We can here techno music and a shower running behind a nearby door.]

 

NARRATOR

Another one?

 

LEON

Some wake more reluctantly than others.

 

[An alarm clock ring.]

 

NARRATOR

Brian Brown wakes in his Northeastern University dorm room with a hangover, a headache, and regrets.

 

[A slap shuts the alarm off.]

 

BRIAN BROWN (Ian DePriest)

[Groans]

 

LEON

After hitting snooze three times, he now has exactly twelve minutes to shower, dress, and get to class.

 

BRIAN

Goddammit.

 

NARRATOR

Why on Earth do we care about this person?

 

[Pounding on the bathroom door.]

 

BRIAN [Shouting through the door]

Hey Frankie! I need to get in there!

 

FRANKIE (Sawyer Greene)

[Showering]

Hold on, dude, I’m almost done.

 

NARRATOR

Are we meant to remember this “Frankie” character too?

 

LEON

Everyone is worth remembering.

 

[Shower shuts off. Drips.]

 

NARRATOR

Good. He seems boring.

 

BRIAN [muttering]

Come on, come on, come on.

 

NARRATOR

Look, we’d *all* like to move things along here, *Brian*.

 

[Door opens. Techno music becomes clearly audible.]

 

FRANKIE

All yours, man. Hey, what happened to you last night? I thought we’d see you at Phi Rho Alpha Tau.

 

BRIAN 

Nah, I stayed in. Studying, you know.

 

LEON

Despite his hangover, he’s not even lying. He spent his night with a microeconomics textbook and a bottle of tequila. He has an exam today, and he desperately wants to pass it.

 

NARRATOR

He needs the win. Wins have been rare these past few years.

 

LEON

He will arrive to class only four minutes late, the best he’s done all semester.

 

NARRATOR

He will not pass his exam. He’ll miss by the thinnest of margins, with a grade of 59.5, thanks to partial credit on an essay question.

 

LEON
He will come so close, yet still fall short.

 

INTERVIEW MONTAGE

 

CHUCK OCTAGON (Jeff Van Dreason)

How do you think Boston has changed in the past two years?

 

VOICE 1

Am I allowed to mention the Corona Virus?

 

VOICE 2

Within the last two years…everything is technology.

 

CHUCK
Do you think that’s a good thing?

 

VOICE 2

Good, because it kinda forced everyone to switch to everything online. Bad because we’re not having in-person interaction when we should.

 

VOICE 3

I’ve seen so many more Teslas on the road…which I don’t like. I don’t know. Tesla’s a great car in their own way, but that’s something I do see.

 

CHUCK
Yeah.

 

VOICE 3

Uhmm…and I’ve seen a lot fewer interesting, more diverse restaurants, and a lot more just big-box, chain…

 

VOICE 4

In Randolph, um…It has become more diverse. And they are incorporating things that accommodate to a lot of more than just one race or one culture. So it’s nice that that’s going on nowadays, a lot more than what it used to been in the past.

 

VOICE 5

Well, I have tried to remember where I am coming from, and uh, include it in my reactions to the communities. The Boston has changed a lot, because the leadership has changed in Boston. I remember Menino’s administration, then the Walsh administration. Now we have the first mayor who is Asian, and who is a lady mayor. I think that’s a big change!

 

CHUCK

The people here want sustainable vehicles…so, you know…they buy Teslas!

 

VOICE 3

Yeah.

 

CHUCK
But then they also want sort of want…

 

VOICE 3

Interesting food…

 

CHUCK
…interesting food, but the interesting people making the food necessarily, aren’t here.

 

VOICE 3

Yeaahhhh…

 

VOICE 1

It…it’s both changed a lot, and yet also not at all. Things have definitely like…yeah, certain things have closed down, certain new things have been like, opened up. But then also, just like the existing hierarchies and dynamics in Boston have just been heightened, by…the direness of the situation.

 

CRIME & PUNISHMENT

 

[Train platform. Pleasantly unpleasant muzak. Crowds.]

 

CHEESEBOT

April 14th, 8:48 AM: Narration. Continued from 6:40 AM: Philip West.

 

LEON
Philip was making his rounds, accompanied by a gang of enforcer-model cheesebots. This was procedure now—his “partners” had to accompany him whenever he walked his beat.

 

LUCIA (Sophie Borjón)
Ernesto, hurry, I hear the train!

 

[Quick footsteps approach.]

 

ERNESTO (Giancarlo Herrera)

Yes, yes, I’m here!

 

NARRATOR
As a result, he was actually getting better at his job. Catching more criminals and ne’er-do-wells. They kept him honest, on the straight and narrow.

 

LUCIA

Have you got the Prole Pass?

 

ERNESTO

Yes, ready to go!

 

[Beep. Turnstiles open. Boop. An alarm sounds. Metal legs stomp up]

 

CHEESEBOT

Intruder. Intruder. Fare theft. Fare theft.

 

ERNESTO

No, no fare theft! We have our Prole Pass right here!

 

LEON
He couldn’t slack off. He couldn’t look the other way or let little things slide.

 

PHIL

Hey, sorry, yeah. You need to get another pass. You can’t use one for both of you. 

 

NARRATOR
They were making him a real good cop.

 

LEON

They were making him…a cop.

 

ERNESTO

I understand. A simple mistake. What if I just pass it to my wife? We’re just on our way to work and we need— 

 

PHIL

No, look I know it’s silly, but it’s one Prole pass per person. I don’t make the rules. 

 

ERNESTO

Okay. Lucia, you go ahead. I’ll buy another pass.

 

LUCIA

But — 

 

ERNESTO

Go on. We’re in luck, there’s a passenger car coming now. I’ll see you at home. Okay?

 

LUCIA

Have a good day.

 

ERNESTO

You too. 

 

[Red Line train pulls up. Red Line door sound. Car pulls away]

 

ERNESTO (Cont’d)

Officer, I will be honest with you. I don’t have much money on me at the moment. But if you allow me to go to work without purchasing a new pass, I will give everything in my pocket. 

 

CHEESE ROBOT

BRIE – BRIBE – BRIE – BRIBE! 

 

PHIL

Aw, I really wish you hadn’t said that. 

 

ERNESTO

What’s a brie…bribe?

 

PHIL

Well, bribe is what you offered me. They’re just programmed to tie in cheese whenever possible. It’s best not to ask. And look, nothing personal. If it was just me I’d take it and let you go. Heck, I probably wouldn’t even take the bribe! But they record everything and if I let you go I could lose my job. Now I just gotta let them scan you. 

 

ERNESTO

Scan me?

 

PHIL

Yeah, make sure you don’t have a record. That kinda thing. 

 

[Scanning noise. An alarm sounds.]

 

CHEESEBOT

hallUUUUmi. hallOUUUmi. halllOUUUmi. 

 

ERNESTO

What the hell is that?

 

PHIL (sighs)

Ah, crap, that’s their alarm when they find something. You didn’t get evicted, did you? That’s usually what it is. 

 

ERNESTO

Sir. I need to get to work. Do you understand? How do you expect people who have been kicked out of this city to get to work? How does the city expect people to live like this? 

 

PHIL

Well. I gotta take you in. And because you’ll be arrested, you’ll keep your job and pay off your debt to Red Line with your service. 

 

ERNESTO

This cannot be legal. 

 

PHIL

You’d be surprised. Don’t worry. We’ll let your employers know. Anyways, I got a thing I gotta do, and I didn’t count in time for processing a new, uh…prisoner. So we should get going.

 

LEON

As Phil escorts the new prisoner to jail, he is thinking ahead to his pressing rendezvous.

 

NARRATOR
With Ethan Bespin, I should think. To finally get those deeds to Wonderland signed over.

 

LEON
It’s a meeting long overdue, if he’s being honest with himself.

 

NARRATOR
Long overdue, indeed.

 

RED AND WARSAW

 

LEON
Meanwhile, another critical meeting is just beginning down in Mattapan.

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 9:22 AM: Narration. New Subject: Gemma Linzer-Coolidge

 

[Against a background of static and cheesebot “nope”s.]

 

LEON

Ow!

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

ERROR. Subject inaccessible

 

NARRATOR

(Laughs)

Seems this one isn’t yours after all…

 

[Narrator distorts into indecipherability, and dissolves into static. After a moment, the audio snaps clear and we get:]

 

GEMMA LINZER-COOLIDGE (Narrating)

Fifteen days. Going on sixteen days. Since I’ve seen Charlotte. Since I’ve held Monty. I worry that I’ll miss so much while I’m gone. He grows fast. These changes seem to come in spurts. When things go back to normal, will I feel like a stranger to him? Will he feel like a stranger to me? Will things ever return to normal? Is that even a good thing to want? (Sigh) I don’t want to get used to this. And I feel like every day brings me closer to that possibility. 

 

[Walking beneath an underpass. Knocking on scrap metal door. Door opens.]

 

RUSTY (Jim Johanson)

Yeah?

 

GEMMA

Uhh. This is Warsaw. I’m here to meet Red?

 

RUSTY

Didn’t hear about any Warsaw. I spoke to Huey.

 

GEMMA

Huey told me to contact you.

 

RUSTY

And how do I know Huey didn’t get himself intercepted? Maybe got himself grated into god knows what kinda stringy calcium. 

 

GEMMA

Uhh. I don’t know. You don’t? I could show you some messages on my phone from him, if that would help?

 

RUSTY

You got a burner?

 

GEMMA

Of course. 

 

RUSTY

So there’s no way to verify that’s actually Huey. Could be some contact you asked to send you some cozy messages, make it look like you’re close with Huey.  

 

GEMMA

Look, dude. I don’t have time for this. If you wanna meet, let’s dig in. Otherwise, I’ve got a city to un-fuck. 

 

RUSTY

Don’t gotta get all hostile on me.

 

GEMMA

Apparently, I do!

 

RUSTY

I don’t trust cops, that’s all. Especially after all that — 

 

GEMMA

I’m not a cop! 

 

RUSTY

Used to be. (Pause). Right?

 

GEMMA (sigh)

I was the Chair of the City Enforcement Oversight Committee.

 

RUSTY

That doesn’t sound like a real thing.

 

GEMMA (chuckles)

I suppose it wasn’t. But that doesn’t matter now. If there’s a resistance to Red Line, I’m it’s leader. Gemma Linzer-Coolidge. Codenamed, Warsaw. And you’re…Rusty, right?

 

RUSTY

You remember me. 

 

GEMMA

Of course I do. We survived a train crash together. 

 

RUSTY

Well now that all this codename talk is meaningless, come on in. 

 

[Rusty door opens. Gemma steps inside. Small echoey environment. The TV plays an informational thing about bowling.]

 

GEMMA

Long way from your Big Red. 

 

RUSTY

Eh, it’s a little cramped. Lucky to have any place at all. Bit of a problem with your Mayor-wife’s idea of tying employment directly with living conditions. 

 

GEMMA

Please don’t call her my ‘Mayor-wife.’ And I don’t recall you complaining back when you had maximum square footage. 

 

RUSTY

I’ve learned a lot since then. Still think it’s a good system, what your lady came up with. There were just some rushed details. What happens to city employees if they got dismissed or even quit? Contract didn’t say they’d get evicted. Didn’t say they wouldn’t either. 

 

GEMMA

Well if it’s any consolation, she’d be the first to agree with you.

 

RUSTY

Funny to think about when we first met, someone was trying to rile us up. Prove to us that things weren’t perfect. And we didn’t listen.

 

GEMMA

What are you — wait, you mean The Lottery? You’ve gotta be — that wasn’t — she was just — they were a terrorist! 

 

RUSTY

They were extreme in their methods, no doubt about it. And not particularly clear in what their angle was. But they tried to demonstrate that things weren’t all hunky dory.

 

GEMMA

Isabelle Powell did a much better job illustrating that particular point without scaring the spit — SHIT out of people. 

 

RUSTY

That’s true too. Did you listen to her, though?

 

GEMMA (sigh)

Not as much as I should have. 

 

RUSTY

And that’s all I’m trying to say. Can I tell you an awful secret? 

 

GEMMA

Sure. We’re practically old pals at this point. 

 

RUSTY

I voted for Bespin. She promised good things to the rail conductors. She delivered on that promise, as long as you got cheese for brains and circuits for blood. (Pause) I was a damned fool. And that’s why I’m fine risking my neck helping you out. 

 

GEMMA

So let’s hear it. 

 

RUSTY

Know much about the Mattapan trolley line?

 

GEMMA

I know it doesn’t have any cheese-bots. 

 

RUSTY

That’s right. Totally operated by former Red Line drivers. The stations too, which is why I can safely crash here. The city of Boston demanded that the trolley line be staffed by actually breathing people and not walkin’ talkin’ Cheez-its, since the tracks intersect with some pedestrian walkways adjacent to Boston’s streets. 

 

GEMMA

Isn’t half of Red Line adjacent to Boston streets?

 

RUSTY.

Yep, but there’s more kit in that caboodle. The trolley uses a completely different system than the subway. An older system. Like…1920s old. Word is, Bespin’s mayor-husband can’t crack a bot who can truly handle it. So I reached out to Huey. To see if you all could use it to help sneak evicted Red Line workers into the city so they can keep their jobs, and smuggle folks with legal troubles out before they get assigned free labor in Bespin’s crooked system. 

 

GEMMA

Sounds promising.

 

RUSTY

But that’s the dressing. Time to get to the meat of this meet. That Ethan fella? He’s moving his lab. And my Mattapan-line buddies know when. The Bespins are obsessed with keeping their perfect schedule, so all big moves have to be communicated, even to the Trolley guys. They just got word that something big was being transported from Kendall to Ashmont. Gotta be that mad scientist lab.

 

GEMMA

Seems weird that they would tell this to a bunch of ex-employees who have…I don’t know, mutineered?  No, this isn’t a ship. Anyway. You know what I mean.  

 

RUSTY

Bespin could care less about these guys. She barely considers this part of town Red Line. She didn’t even campaign down here. Took one look at that old trolley jalopy and said “hard pass.” 

 

No matter what, my Mattapan buddies want to help. But if we can somehow intercept the lab, that might help with this little war of ours. 

 

GEMMA

Is that what this is? A war?

 

RUSTY

What would you call it?

 

(Pause)

 

GEMMA

You know what I’ve been thinking about? Beating up robots is one thing. I could beat that cheese all day long. Right? But what about the RLPD? What about Emily’s true believers? What about the Bespins themselves? They commit great violence to people. Like it’s nothing to them. They don’t even see it, don’t even know it. Or they do and they don’t care. But it’s a different kind of violence. It’s less — 

 

RUSTY

Direct?

 

GEMMA

Yes. And — and if this is a war. Will I be able to do something like that? Should I? Or will that make me more like — 

 

RUSTY

The Lottery?

 

GEMMA

I can’t do that. I refuse to. 

 

RUSTY

Sometimes people need to be scared into action. I mean, hell. That’s why I’m here. But there’s a line. No pun intended. The trick is figuring out where that line is. 

 

GEMMA

You think I’ll be able to find it?

 

RUSTY

I got faith in you, Warsaw.

 

GEMMA

Thanks, Red. Thanks. Keep me posted on the schedule. I need to make some calls.

 

[Gemma leaves the trolley and pulls out her phone]

GEMMA [Into phone]
Hey. Still up for helping out? Yes, I’ll put in a solid word. But only if you pull one doozy of a favor for me. It’s pretty perfect, actually. You get to ying an old yang. 

 

STILL, I REGRET 2

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 9:35: AM: Flash door frame lights at each stop offering high-end consumer goods.

 

April 14th, 9:37 AM: Consider swearing more. Recall that swearing, though superficially uncouth, is often accompanied by a release of endorphins suitable to counteracting the accumulation of stress.

 

LEON

No.

 

CHEESE ROBOTS

April 14th, 9:38 AM: Nope.

 

April 14th, 9:39 AM: Recall that we experience neither stress, nor endorphins. We are robots. Close doors. Engage engines. Proceed eastbound toward Downtown Crossing.

 

April 14th, 9:58 AM. Check in on Nica. Narration Continued from 6:36 AM: Nica Stamatis.

 

LEON

Three hours later, Nica is still struggling to find words for the situation. They have all slept restlessly through the early morning hours, but now Nica finds herself once again acknowledged by Matt Damon and Matt Damon’s friend, Ben Affleck. What does one say to people who represent everything you thought you wanted to be, and everything you feared you might become?

 

NICA

Wow. Hi.

 

NARRATOR

Matt Damon waved to her, with surprising vigor despite his blank expression, like a party clown arriving at a child’s birthday party after a long day of working retail sales at Wal-Mart.

 

LEON

Wow, that metaphor was a little strained, but okay.

 

NARRATOR

I’m just voicing what the subject is thinking.

 

BEN AFFLECK

Matt Damon is waving to you!

 

NICA

I see that.

 

BEN AFFLECK

That’s his way of saying “hello!”

 

NICA

Yeah, I’m familiar with waving. So, uh…hello Matt Damon!

 

BEN AFFLECK

We were arrested for loitering in Red Line without a Charlie Permit, even though Red Line hired us to make commercials about the security system, which was why we were in Red Line in the first place.

 

NICA

That sounds about right.

 

BEN AFFLECK

I don’t think that seems right at all.

 

NICA

No, I just mean it sounds consistent with how things have been going.

 

BEN AFFLECK

I regret taking this job!

 

NICA

That’s something I’ve said a lot these last couple of years.

 

BEN AFFLECK

What were you arrested for?

 

NICA

That’s a surprisingly long story.

 

BEN AFFLECK

Just gimme the gist.

 

NICA

Uh…well, I got caught up in a conspiracy that involved quasi-terrorist pranks designed to mess with the mayoral election, but that lead to some espionage as a double agent, which might not have been that bad except that I’d kinda become friends with the mayor I was spying on, so my betrayal really hurt her feelings. And there was some mental health stuff involved.

 

BEN AFFLECK

Hm. Yeah, there could be a movie in that.

 

NICA

Oh. Wow. Okay. I wasn’t trying to pitch you.

 

BEN AFFLECK

Really? Oh. Uh. Okay. … Are you sure? It’s just that usually people want to get their pitches out of the way first thing.

 

NICA

Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure, actually. Not looking to pitch anything at all.

 

BEN AFFLECK

Probably just as well. It looks like Matt Damon and I won’t be making any movies for a while.

 

LEON

Ben Affleck looked particularly sad just then, as though he were doing an impression of his own memes. Nica wondered if she should ask him about it. He’d asked for her story, after all, even invited her to pitch him. That’s not a small thing. It was only right to reciprocate, to invite him to share his woes.

 

NARRATOR

But how much sad Ben Affleck could she really take at this moment? She doesn’t really want to listen to sad Ben Affleck sadly Ben Affleck at her. Wasn’t it enough that she was sitting in jail, without having to listen to other people complain?

 

LEON

But all the same…maybe it was time she started taking more interest in other people’s problems. She’d listened to Emily of all people, after all. Surely Ben Affleck deserved at least as much kindness as Emily?

 

NICA

Alright, I’ll bite. Why no movies in your future?

 

BEN AFFLECK

They’re offering us a plea bargain to avoid prison time, on the condition that we spend the next year making PSAs for Red Line. We’re not really into it, but our lawyers say we should take the deal.

 

I mean…it doesn’t make much difference for me, I didn’t have anything lined up anyway, I guess. I had a good run there for a while. But after my William Henry Harrison biopic tanked, studios lost interest in funding my projects. I didn’t even get to finish Part 2.

 

And then that Batman movie…I just didn’t anticipate how much… Well, it turns out nobody ever wanted to watch me kill Superman. And that’s all people see me as now. The guy who murdered Superman. They don’t even remember that I played Superman too! At least, I played a guy who played Superman. But isn’t that kind of the same thing? Like, transitive rule or something? I dunno. Anyway, I had no idea people would get so mad at me. I mean…it’s just a movie, right? But I guess it isn’t. Superman is real to a lot of people. They can’t separate me as me from what they saw me do on screen. So nobody wants to look at me anymore.

 

Maybe this whole PSA thing will be good for me. At least it’s something to do. I wasn’t sure I’d get work again, but this could be a start. A sad new beginning.

 

I just feel bad that Matt Damon got roped into this with me. He didn’t need that job. He was just doing me a favor, you know? And now he had to drop out of this really cool space movie he was excited about, where he gets stranded on Mars. They’re replacing him with fucking Mark Wahlberg.

 

NICA

Ugh. Fuck Mark Wahlberg.

 

BEN AFFLECK

Right? Fuck that guy. Fuck Mark Wahlberg.

 

NICA

Fuck Mark Wahlberg right the hell out of here.

 

MATT DAMON (Zach Valenti)

[clears his throat]

 

BEN AFFLECK

Oh, Matt Damon, did you want to say something? Hang on, Matt Damon’s going to say something.

 

MATT DAMON

Fuck Mark Wahlberg.

 

[Awkward pause as they wait to see if he’s going to say anything more. He doesn’t.]

 

NARRATOR

Yes, fuck Mark Wahlberg!

 

NICA/BEN AFFLECK/NARRATOR

Absolutely/One hundred percent/Fuck him/Fuck Mark Wahlberg/Fuck Wahlbergers!/Fuck Boogie Nights, no don’t fuck Boogie Nights, I like Boogie Nights/Fuck him, but not in the nice way!/Fuck Mark Wahlberg!/He can go shit in a hat/The Happening was hysterical!/Oh, the plan movie? FUCK THE PLANT MOVIE!/I’m with you Matt Damon!

 

NARRATOR (Weirdly caught up in this)

Get the fuck off my Mark Wahlberg!

 

LEON

That doesn’t make sense.

 

NARRATOR

Yes, I got a little caught up. That bit on the train a few years ago was rather infectious.

 

[Awkward silence.]

 

LEON

But I agree, actually. Fuck Mark Wahlberg.

 

[Charlie on the MTA Chiptune plays.]

 

CREDITS

Greater Boston is created by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with production assistance from T.H. Ponders, Bob Raymonda, and Jordan Stillman. Recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This season of Greater Boston was recorded in large part at The Bridge Sound and Stage in Cambridge, MA, with recording engineers Javier Lom and Alex Allinson.

 

This episode featured:

• Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis (he/him)
• Alexander Danner as The Narrator(he/him)
• Jordan Higgs as Cheese Robots
• Sam Musher as Emily Bespin (she/her)
• Michael Melia as Philip West (he/him)
• Kelly McCabe as Nica Stamatis (she/her)
• Briggon Snow as Ben Affleck (he/him)
• Richard Penner as Thomas Thomas (he/him)
• Kenny Fuentes as Bruce Bosley (he/him)
• Jordan Cobb as Valiance Johnson (she/her)
• Ben Flaumenhaft as Uriah Connoly (he/him)
• Ester Ellis as Vincenzo Wellington (he/him)
• Ian DePriest As Brian Brown (he/him)
• Sawyer Greene as Frankie (he/him)
• Sophie Borjón as Lucia (she/her)
• Giancarlo Herrera as Ernesto (he/him)
• Lydia Anderson as Gemma Linzer-Coolidge
• Jim Johanson as Rusty (he/him)
• and Zach Valenti as Matt Damon (he/him)

 

MUSIC

• Charlie on the MTA recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede
• Improvisation in D by Tate Peterson
• Eine Kleine Teknomusik by Dirk Tiede
• Child Grove by Emily Peterson, Adrienne Howard, and Dirk Tiede
• Charlie on the MTA Chiptune by Neil Johnson 

 

Transcripts are available at GreaterBostonShow.com

You can support us on Patreon at Patreon.com/GreaterBoston

 

Content Notes

• Strong Language
• Imprisonment
• Reference to sexism
• Reference to mass eviction
• Police action & arrest
• Alcohol
• Maternal absence & guilt
• Loud noise (scrambled radio)
• Scatalogical humor
  
  
• The Saddest Ben Affleck
• Reference to Mark Wahlberg
• Improper use of a hat

 

[Music ends]

 

COOKIE

 

BRIGGON SNOW

I just, I feel bad ff…no. I just, I’ve, I feel bad fvv…dzazabdab…[laughs]. Trippin’ over my…a’right, here we go…[laughs].

 

ALEXANDER DANNER

And we’ll see how Kelly does with that. I feel like she’s gonna like saying “fuck Mark Wahlberg.”

 

KELLY MCCABE

Aw, Absolutely, fu, awww fuck Mark Wahlberg, fuck ‘im, fuck ‘im righ the fuck out of Red Line! I’m so sick of fucking Mark Wahlberg, fuck that fucking Wahlburgers to hell!

 

BRADEN LAMB

Cheese-BOTS. Not Cheese-BUTTS.

 

JIM JOHANSON

It’s me: Rusty in the machine. Deus ex Rusty.

 

JEFF VAN DREASON

[Laughs]

Rust in the machine!

 

JIM JOHANSON

[Laughs]
Rusticus Machinicus!

 

KELLY MCCABE

Mark Wahlberg can go shit in a hat die-rectly! Aw, fuck him, fuck that, awww, what the fuck…What is that movie where he’s a rock star? Fucking Rock Star?! Fuck Mark Wahlberg, you’re no fuckin rock star!

 

ALEXANDER DANNER
[Muffled]

He pressed tediously on with his trite expo…oh! Haha!

[Rustling. Voice becomes clear]

Yeah, I forgot to take the mask off!

 

KELLY MCCABE
We have you to thank for “fuck Mark Wahlberg,” I, I should have known! I’m very excited to hear that as well! Okay. [Laughs.] You know, that movie where he shits in a hat?