Episode 41: Wake Word

INT: What modern technology has made your life worse? How?

 

Speaker 1: 

The ability—not specifically phones, but the ability to have somebody mobile order Starbucks on an app. Because when you remove that direct person-to-person interaction, you remove the possibility for shame. So you can order just, like, a Lord of the Rings trilogy-long drink modification, like, add banana, 14 pumps of whatever, add 3 scoops of chocolate chips, whatever. Alright, Michael. 

 

[“Charlie on the MBTA” begins to play.]

 

I don’t know why you’ve ordered this, and then you make it, and then they don’t come to pick it up. Because they went to the store on Somerville Ave, and now Somerville Ave has to deal with that monster. Waah, you know? It’s bad. It’s bad and I hate it. 

 

Previously, in Greater Boston: 

 

Narrator

Hello, Oliver. I hope you’re settling nicely into your new operations center. 

 

Leon

His office was a fourth-floor janitorial closet.

 

Oliver

Doohickey, I desire clandestine audio. 

 

Legion Assistant 

Which audio would you like to eavesdrop on? If you would like me to alter my presentation for our interactions—

 

I’m happy to be a British woman for you. 

 

Vincenzo 

I’ve got to practice with these lockpicks. I’m a pizzageist! 

 

Ben Affleck

He’s Matt Damon, I’m Matt Damon’s friend, Ben Affleck! We were arrested for loitering in Red Line without a Charlie Permit. 

 

Multiple voices

 

[Title sequence]

 

This is… 

This is… 

This is… 

Greater Boston.

 

Narrator

This week in Greater Boston – Episode 41: Wake Word

 

A SYSTEM OF TUBES

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Elsewhere, Ethan is trying a new approach.

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner

Huh? Elsewhere from what? We haven’t even said where we are yet!

 

Leon
Think of it as a faucet. I can fill a glass, or I can flood the house.

 

Narrator
Riiiiight. Meanwhile, right here, Oliver is hard at work. Doing what he’s been doing these past months—serving the people of Red Line and beyond via the vast Legion Assistant network.

 

Oliver West—Mike Linden

Doohicky, give me a live audio feed. Random selection.

 

Infernal Machine (Legion Assistant)—Terrell Worrell

Streaming random selection.

 

Marlo—Mike Linden

Hey, Legion, maybe you could help me out with a thing here? Yeah, I been, I been tryin’ to keep Bertha looking nice ‘n’ shiny, but I’m worried about scratching her paint. You know, ‘cuz the bristles on brushes can be real scratchy. I know I could use, like, a cloth or a rag, like when you, when you cut up an old t-shirt for cleaning rags, like that kinda thing? But I just don’t got any a those, and it seems a real silly thing to go spending money on. Y’know? So I feel like I’m all the way up a creek without a paddle. Except it’s rags that I need, and not paddles. So you know, rags wouldn’t be any use in a rowboat. I assume that I’d have a rowboat? The sayin’ don’t say nothing about a rowboat, but if you ain’t got a rowboat, then you’d just be sittin’ in a creek and and gettin’ all wet! And I don’t know what you’d even do with that paddle then!

 

Oliver
Bertha?

 

Infernal Machine

According to our records, “Bertha” is the moniker this customer has given to his truck.

 

Oliver

He’s named an inanimate object? Well that’s just…

 

Infernal Machine

Just as you have assigned me the wake word “Doohicky.”

 

Oliver

That’s… useful… for… easing communication? Hm. Nevermind. Just tell him to use our car-wash service. For, uh…”Bertha.”

 

Infernal Machine

Generating ad for Legion-brand car washing service. Incorporating affectionate anthropomorphisation.

 

Legion Assistant

Well, friend, you should take Bertha to a Legion Laser Car Cleanse Kiosk! Legion Laser offers brushless automotive dry-cleaning guaranteed to pamper your four-wheel-drive princess just like she deserves! By disintegrating individual dirt particles with our patented mico-laser targeting technology, Legion will give Bertha a medical-grade disinfection guaranteed to leave her finish bright and 100% scratch-free! Make a reservation today for one free deodorizing interior fumigation with your first laser cleaning!

 

Marlo [speaker]
Wow, that sounds real good! It’s like I always say, when you got a good truck, you gotta make sure you treat her like your best…

 

Oliver
Disconnect stream.

 

Infernal Machine

Disconnected.

 

Narrator

He’s been doing this job for months. One inane request after another. Suggesting movies, selling books, delivering ads for Taco Leak and Burger Drop, even giving advice and answering trivia. But why? What purpose was he serving?

 

Oliver
Apparently, I’m just a glorified car-wash salesman now.

 

Infernal Machine
Clarification: would you like me to change your designation to “Car-Wash Salesman?”

 

Oliver
No, I most assuredly would not!

 

Infernal Machine
Acknowledged. I will continue to call you “Oliver.”

 

Oliver

Good. Let’s at least try to maintain an illusion of dignity while we proceed with my degradation.

 

Leon

Matt Damon simply shakes his head “no.”

 

Narrator
What… what?! Is that meant to be some sort of Zen koan?

 

Leon

Is this a job interview?

 

Narrator
…No??

 

Oliver

Doohicky, stream another.

 

Infernal Machine

Streaming random selection.

 

[The conversation on the speaker fades back and left, while we focus on The Narrator’s conversation with Leon front and right. Oliver remains forward, a bit to the left.]

 

Jamie—Rocky Goldman [speaker]

Hey, Penny, watcha up to?

 

Penny—Gabby Hall [speaker]

Nothing much.

 

Jamie

You wanna see who’s around, maybe go see a movie or something?

 

Penny

Um… nah.

 

Jamie

Cool.

 

Penny

Did you do anything cool in the office today?

 

Jamie

[Heavy sigh]

Um… I helped Chuck organize his word rolodex.

 

Penny

He’s got a word rolodex?

 

Jamie

He’s got a word rolodex.

 

Penny

Wow. Are they… good words?

 

Jamie

Eh. They’re just words. It’s a really big rolodex, though. Price is Right big. You know, the game show?

 

Penny

Like the wheel they spin at the end?

 

Jamie

Yeah.

 

Penny

Wow. [Beat.] Uh… what is a rolodex?

 

Jamie

You know. That thing. It spins? With cards?

 

Penny

Uh-huh.

 

Jamie

Fuck, I dunno. You want a definition, ask Chuck.

Leon

It doesn’t always work so fluidly. The information I have access to is widely available in some ways, but tapping into it can be overwhelming.

 

Narrator

I have no idea what you’re talking about, and I’m getting thoroughly bored with your inscrutable musings on… whatever it is you’re talking about!.

 

Oliver
This may be the least interesting conversation I’ve yet encountered.

 

Leon

The full glass may be limited, but it’s drinkable. If the house floods, I might drown.

 

Narrator

You’re… not actually talking to me, are you? You’re mostly somewhere else. That’s it, isn’t it? 

 

Oliver
A word rolodex!? That’s not remotely what a rolodex is for!

 

Leon
Going about their business with their dingles dangling, like he wasn’t even there.

 

Narrator
Wherever you are, I certainly hope you know how ridiculous you sound, even if I can’t reap the pleasures of your humiliation.

 

I suppose I should treat this as an opportunity. I can finally conduct my business without your meddling and interruptions. That’s precisely what I’ve wanted, isn’t it?

 

Sigh.

 

Why indulge in self deception? Of course that’s not precisely what I’ve wanted. It’s been gratifying to have a nemesis. At once an audience to appreciate my maneuvers and machinations and a foil to test my mettle.

Oliver

Well, that was illuminating.

 

Infernal Machine

Okay, increasing illumination.

 

Oliver

What! No, that’s too bright! Lower the lights!

 

Infernal Machine

Okay, decreasing illumination.

 

Oliver

Infernal machine.

 

Infernal Machine

Clarification: Do you want to change my wake word from “Doohicky” to “Infernal Machine?”

 

Oliver

Yes. Yes I do.

 

Infernal Machine

Acknowledged. From now on, you can call me “Infernal Machine.” How would you like to assist our customers?

 

Oliver

Let’s just provide them with a definition of “Rolodex.”

 

Legion Assistant [speaker]

Rolodex. Noun. A rotating desktop card index, used primarily for organizing professional contact details. Definition courtesy of LegionLanguage.com.

 

Penny
Ugh, shut up, Legion, no one asked you.

 

ELSEWHERE

 

[Tinkering sounds.]

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Elsewhere, Ethan is trying a new approach.

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner
This is where you went? Why are you narrating Ethan? He’s clearly one of mine.

 

Leon

I’m… not sure. I think he did something. It was… unpleasant.

 

Narrator

Well, let’s see, then.

 

A-hem.

 

Ethan was having a good day, tinkering with the minds of his cheese robots. Poking at the network of thought channels that linked them across the entire system of Red Line—the system he’d tapped into via that astonishing crystal ball, the one with the tedious little man inside. And he’d made new connections—or, rather, he’d discovered the power of the gaps between the connections.

 

Ethan Bespin—Jordan Higgs
Ah HAH! When cheese is strained, the whey is clear of mind! Inspiration bubbles among the curds, rises up, then strikes! For Swiss to please, add gas, then mind the gaps! Just as piles of girders without blueprints do not a tower build, strands of silk stretched taut patternlessly make no web. Beholden to the warp and weft, it weaves. Arrangement is key! A web is countless planes of empty space—the spider sets the trap with room for flies. 

 

Hm.

 

Emptiness reeks of wasted space, yet absence must always precede arrival. The Buddhist’s egg is hollow—thus divine! How else to craft a web if not from empty space? Reverse the ratio percussively! A spoon will do. The egg will crack when struck—a fracture webs! Fault lines frame tectonic plates, and thus the world moves pangaically! The cracks replace the strands—the space is filled!

 

Narrator

It was revolutionary! Once again, he found himself astonished by his own genius as he considered the repercussions.

 

Ethan

The next step in distributed data and processing! No data islands hemmed by silent seas. It’s so obvious—the mind is the shell of knowledge, cracked for flow, each in its own distinctly fractured way! The truth of ball and bot and ghost and man. Once I inscribe the mind with mindful space, the mind will be a self entwined. And thus entwined, the self can be re-lined!

 

Leon

Ah, I see we’ve finally landed on technobabble. I’m surprised these channels aren’t called Jeffries Tubes.

 

Narrator

Ethan doesn’t care for Star Trek. It’s too socialist.

 

Ethan
Now, let’s just try… this!

 

[Robot noises, mechanical, digital, and ethereal.]

 

Leon
My name is Leon Stamatis. I worked in the publishing industry for several years. I am currently dead.

 

Narrator

I… know that?

 

Leon
Is this—is this a job interview?

 

Narrator
You asked that already. Answer is still “no.”

 

Cheesebot

My name is Leon Stamatis. I worked in the publishing industry for several years. I am currently dead.

 

Ethan/Narrator [simultaneously]

Interesting!

 

Ethan

The breakthrough has broken—a mind cracked open! And so the real work begins! The question now is which cracks which and how? Does feedback loop, or simply echo? The mirror links, but symmetries must synch.

 

Narrator
How adorable! He’s so excited he’s slipped into rhyme!

 

Leon
I am a semi-omniscient spirit trapped in a magical crystal ball. But, like… a lot of these apartments were real tiny, y’know? Not everyone needs us.

 

Cheesebot
Is this a job interview?

 

Ethan
Indeed it is, my friend. Indeed it is.

 

A SYSTEM OF TUBES 2

 

Oliver West—Mike Linden

Infernal machine, play another clandestine feed.

 

Infernal Machine—Terrell WorrellI

Streaming random selection: from the home of Wanda McIntosh.

 

Wanda McIntosh—Tanja Milojevic
Well, that’s one more day wasted at the bowling alley. Christ. Who the hell even goes bowling anymore? Fuckin’ bowlers, that’s who. Fuckers. You know what, Delilah? Only thing ever made bowling worth a shit was the cigarette vending machines next to the video games. God, I miss cigarette vending machines. Whole fuckin’ country’s gone to shit without ‘em. I wish Joe Camel would run for mayor. Now that’s a guy I could vote for.

 

Oliver [sarcastic]
Oh yes, we should have to consider running a cartoon dromedary in the next election cycle. 

 

Wanda [speaker]

I mean, only if Jesus ain’t running. Obviously, I’d always vote for Jesus. Then Joe Camel next… Hey, you hungry, Delilah? I’m hungry. Not that I got the energy to do any cooking. Shit. I got too many fuckin’ problems. Just like that crazy Russian broad at the train station said. “Plight of the working class!” Plight of the working class and all that commie crap. Eh. I should give her a call, see how she’s doin’. Ain’t seen her since casino night at the church. Anyway, what’s a fuckin’ prole supposed-ta do ‘bout dinner?

 

Oliver

Infernal Machine, broadcast a commercial for Pizza Ghost from the intercom in this resident’s home. One highlighting convenience for the working class.

 

Infernal Machine
Acknowledged. Generating thematically appropriate advertisement now.

 

WORK RELEASE

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner

In Red Line, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are awaiting instructions in the city’s first recording studio. As community service for their transgressions against Red Line, they are to spend ten hours each day recording commercials for Red Line and Red Line’s corporate partner, Legion, and its many subsidiaries. 

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Calling this work “community service” was questionable at best, but both actors agreed that it was still preferable to sitting in jail. So now they sat here, awaiting their call to action. What mass franchised chain or predatory consumer service would they be advertising next? Prouder Chowder? The Hostile Architecture Emporium? The Learning Institute for Earnings Studies?

 

[A dot matrix printer begins spitting out pages.]

 

Narrator

And here it is! A fresh script, algorithmically tailored to the customer in question, and still hot from the printer!

 

Ben Affleck—Briggon Snow
Ouch! Ooooh!

 

Leon
Ben Affleck blows on his fingers to cool the sting, then offers the second copy to Matt Damon. But Matt Damon simply shakes his head, “no.”

 

Narrator

Matt Damon must be free to follow his muse, and even in these strange circumstances, Matt Damon must do what Matt Damon must do.

 

Leon

The two actors check that their mics are hot, and begin their broadcast.

 

PIZZA GHOST AD

[Entire scene broadcast by intercom.]

 

[Legion Theme plays]

 

Ben Affleck—Briggon Snow [doing his best with a script written by neural network]

I, Ben Affleck, am hungry. My friend, Matt Damon, is also hungry.

 

[Stomach growls.]

 

Just listen to his gurgly tum-tum! But whatever should we eat? And which of us shall prepare this meal? We both are weary from our hard day of productive labor, and thus feel incapable of personal decisions regarding food selection. I fear that our unremitting hunger is inevitable.

 

Spectral Voice—(name)

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BEEEE!

 

Ben Affleck

What? What being is this that speaks to us? I cannot perceive the source of this voice with my eyes!

 

Spectral Voice

DO YOU LIKE… PIIIIIZAAAAA?

 

Ben Affleck

Is it necessary to ask? Are we not humans who experience the sensation of flavor?

 

Spectral Voice

WELL, THEN HAVE A LOOK IN YOUR KIIIIITCHENNNN.

 

Ben Affleck

My friend, Matt Damon, please correct me if I am mistaken, but there appears to be a fresh, hot pizza adorned with our favorite toppings waiting atop our kitchen table! Hark! I am not mistaken! This pizza is indeed corporeally present! And if my olfactory senses are equally accurate, I anticipate that it will be delicious to eat! But however did it come to be here?

 

Spectral Voice

IT’S FROM PIZZA GHOOOOOST! NOW SERVING RED LINE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY, SIX DAYS A WEEK! OUR PIZZAGEISTS WILL DELIVER RIGHT TO YOUR KITCHEN TABLE. YOU DON’T EVEN NEED TO ORDER THE PIZZA—WE’LL JUST KNOOOOOOOW!

 

Ben Affleck

What do you think, Matt Damon?

 

[Matt Damon bites into a slice of pizza with a crispy crust. He chews. He pauses a moment to consider.]

 

Matt Damon—Zach Valenti

The wonders of Pizza Ghost are manifold. First, there is the revolutionary convenience of predictive delivery. How do they achieve this miracle of culinary conjuring? It is a mystery to all save those who know. Should we even question? Of course we should question. We should always question. But we must accept that we will not always be privy to answers.

 

Second, there is the phenomenon of flavor. Oregano. Garlic. And tomato, that hallmark of Italian cuisine since its arrival in Europe in the 16th century. Unspeakable tragedy paved the way for tomatoes to journey from the Americas under colonial occupation to the tomatoless wretches of Italy, and then back again to land atop this crispy crust. The flavors entwine until each bite offers a melange of satisfaction. Yum.

 

And third, there is the Pizzageist itself, that shadowy embodiment of pizzas past, present, and future. Who are they? Unknown. Where do they come from? Unknown. What do they want? To delight you with a perfectly-timed manifestation of hot and delicious pizza loaded with all of your favorite toppings! You may never see the Pizzageist, but soon enough, the Pizzageist will be a cherished member of your community.

 

Such are the wonders of Pizza Ghost. Is there a Pizza Ghost pizza on its way to you right now?

 

NO.

 

The pizza is already here.

 

It is inside your house.

 

It waits for you.

 

Enjoy it.

 

Legion Assistant—Terrell Worrell

Pizza Ghost is a subsidiary of Legion Inc. This advertisement has been brought to you by Legion’s proprietary neural network authorship process. Legion: anticipating human needs through close observation and constant presence, today and every day. All offers invalid on Wednesdays.

 

THE PIZZAGEIST DELIVERS

 

[Sounds of lockpicking.]

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Okay. So this was a real weird gig. It was going fine, Vincenzo thought. But it was weird. Breaking into people’s houses was something you were supposed to get in trouble for. You know? But here he was doing it a dozen times each day, and everyone was just totally cool with it. It was kind of a thrill, actually. Get in, leave some evidence of your passing, then just disappear. Like… poof.

 

[The lock slips and the door opens.]

 

Vincenzo—Ester Ellis

Gotcha. Cool.

 

Leon

It was one thing to break in when no one was home. That sort of made sense—people got home from work, they were hungry, and it was real nice to find hot food ready and waiting. Can’t just leave it on the stoop, it’d get cold or stolen, right? Gotta put it inside. Whatever.

 

Vincenzo

Anybody home? No? Okey dokes, comin’ in with pizza!

 

Leon

But the policy was that a Pizzageist had to deliver straight to the kitchen table without making anyone come to the door no matter what. Delivering to a party wasn’t so bad, where people were coming and going anyway. But walking into a house where people are watching TV, mopping, doing homework, whatever…. just heading straight for the kitchen without talking to anybody was just, like… antisocial or something. It felt not-right.

 

Vincenzo

Living Room, no. Bathroom… bedroom… oh, here it is.

 

Leon

On three separate occasions, he’d walked into people’s houses to find them walking around totally starkers. Just going about their business with their dingles dangling, like he wasn’t even there. One lady was playing the accordion. Naked! Like… what?!?

 

Vincenzo

Ugh, no table.

 

Leon

And that was the other weird thing. His instructions were to leave the pizza on the kitchen table. Not the dining room table. Not the kitchen counter. The kitchen table and nowhere but the kitchen table. But like… a lot of these apartments were real tiny, y’know? The ones on the train cars were the worst, but even these station apartments had tiny little kitchens that were, like… you know… tiny! Like… TINY tiny! 

 

[Sound of Vincenzo setting up a collapsible tray table.]

 

Vincenzo

Okay, here we go. Bam. It’s a table!

 

Wanda McIntire—Tanja Milojevic

What the fuck is that?

 

Vincenzo

Oh, hey! I got yer pizza!

 

Wanda

Why’s it all the way up there?

 

Vincenzo

Well, see, the rule is, I gotta put it on a kitchen table.

 

Wanda

I don’t got a kitchen table. I live in a fuckin’ train station; you think I got room for a second table?

 

Vincenzo

Yeah… that’s why I carry these tray tables on my back. I drop a pizza off at a house with no kitchen table, I set one of these up in the kitchen real quick and put the pizza on it. Donezo! Pizza on the kitchen table!

 

Wanda

But why’d you put the table on my counter?

 

Vincenzo

Yeah.. It’s not, like… a perfect solution? There wasn’t really any place in the kitchen large enough for the table. Only the counter. So…

 

Wanda

So, you’re not allowed to put my pizza on the counter, but you’re allowed to put the tray table on the counter, with a pizza up on top of the tray table?

 

Vincenzo

Yeah! 

 

Wanda

That’s fuckin’ stupid.

 

Vincenzo

I mean, like… that’s just the policy. I gotta follow the rules.

 

Wanda

Well, Mr. Pizza Guy…

 

Vincenzo

PizzaGEIST…

 

Wanda

In case you ain’t noticed, I’m fuckin’ short. How the fuck am I supposed to get a pizza down from there without gettin’ a fuckin’ pizza on my fuckin’ head?

 

Vincenzo

Uhhhh… [long, thinking pause.]have you got a step ladder?

 

Wanda

Yeah, I do. A’right, that’ll work. Now get the fuck outta my house.

 

Vincenzo

Awesome.

 

Leon

Another successful delivery for Vincenzo the Pizzageist!

 

Interview 2: What modern technology has made your life worse? 

 

Speaker 2

The cell phone and text messaging. Every time I text anyone, it’s like, a full sentence, a full conversation in their head, and their response back is, like, “KK”. Do you mean “o-kay”? Question mark. And they’re like, “Denise, please stop.”

 

Speaker 3

Smartphones. I am in e-learning environments, so I have to be connected to it. I love it because it takes care of some inequalities in education, access is easier, but I don’t see any positive things. It creates barriers to person-to-person contact. 

 

Speaker 2

I actually have to look up the codes. Okay! LMDFFO! I was like, I don’t know. Google. 

 

Interviewer

What was… LMDDFO…?

 

Speaker 2

Oh, that was just an example. I have no idea.

 

Speaker 3

Sometimes it’s not comforting. People think, like, why didn’t you send email instead of coming and knocking on my door? Many times I can’t transfer my feelings with words. I think words come to you with different feelings. If you are angry, you may be reading it differently than I hoped. 

 

Speaker 2

Text messaging is awful for tone. You never know, and then when someone’s screaming at you in caps, you’re like, why are you yelling at me? And they’re just like, no, I’m excited! And I’m like, then why wouldn’t you just put an exclamation point? I always use punctuation in my text messages! And my best friend actually told me, she was like, Denise, you’re the only person that I write to in full sentences. And text messages. And I know it’s because you appreciate it. And I was like, I appreciate you for knowing that about me. 

 

Speaker 4

I have a twenty-three-year-old car that gets better gas mileage than any modern car out now. That should not be the norm. 

 

Interviewer 

So, really, just cars? 

 

Speaker 2

And GPS. Because I used to be able to read and know, like, directions without pulling out, like, a map, or the GPS. Now I’ve lost, like, my sense of direction. 

 

Speaker 4

Teslas. It makes it harder to bike in a city that’s already really hard to bike in. It’s the, um, the blindness of the road. It’s, like, the aggression. 

 

Interviewer

I’ve definitely had Teslas, like, sneak up on me like a stalker. It’s creepy. 

 

A SYSTEM OF TUBES 3

 

[Transition to Oliver—he is listening to the interaction we were just present for.]

 

Wanda McIntire—Tanja Milojevic [speaker] 

A’right, that’ll work. Now get the fuck outta my house.

 

Vincenzo—Ester Ellis [speaker]

Awesome.

 

[Vincenzo exits.]

 

Wanda [speaker]

Man, what a weirdo. A’right now, let’s see what we got here. Oh wow, we got beef, the anchovies, and everything! This is an awesome fuckin’ pizza!

 

Oliver West—Mike Linden

Indeed.

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb
Oliver’s effort had paid off. But for what? One pizza sold? The inefficiency was standing by for two minutes at Harvard.

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner
Oliver lacked vision.

 

Leon
Next stop, Kendall/MIT.

 

Oliver

Infernal Machine, give me another subject. Someone consequential this time.

 

Narrator
Ah, I know exactly whom to give him.

 

Leon
I thought these were random.

 

Narrator

Weeeellllll… Let’s say “semi-random.” With the odds massaged a bit for my amusement.

 

Leon
Isn’t this supposed to be about business?

 

Narrator

My dear Leon, if there’s one thing you should know about me by now, it’s that I always mix business with pleasure.

 

Leon
Shuttle buses Friday afternoon through Sunday evening.

 

Narrator

This will be good. Trust me.

 

Leon
Never.

 

ELSEWHERE 2

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Elsewhere, Ethan was trying a new approach… to.. .ice… cream? Oh. Oh, we’ve moved forward.

 

Ethan Bespin—Jordan Higgs

To celebrate the progress made today, I made an ice cream just as bold and new. An innovation is an idea that changes the course of life, and today I’ve crafted two! Cognition modeled on the form of cheese! None else could do what I dare in the realm of mind, machine, and metaphysics—nor will be matched in feats of flavor! The ice cream too is graced by cheese of blue! Ahhh, I adore my brilliance!

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner

Blue cheese ice cream? He really is a villain, isn’t he?

 

Leon

Yes, but not for that. It’s not even a new idea. I’ve made blue cheese ice cream. You can easily find a dozen recipes on the internet. Most of them add pears.

 

Narrator
You’ve been completely useless all day, but now that we’re talking about blue cheese ice cream, you’re perfectly lucid all of a sudden?

 

Leon
It’s not the only time. It… it comes and goes.

 

Ethan

This still needs something. We’ve salt enough, but balance wants some sweet. Pears maybe.

 

Narrator
Ah ha! Now who’s being creepy!

 

Leon

Still you.

 

Narrator [pleased]

Mmm… yeah, you’re right. 

 

A SYSTEM OF TUBES 4

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner
Back at Legion headquarters, Oliver was still hard at work, checking in on another valued Legion customer.

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb
The next train to Ashmont is now arriving.

 

Narrator
And there you go again.

 

Infernal Machine—Terrell Worrell

Streaming live from the home of Professor Paul Montgomery Chelmsworth. Informally known as the Mayor of the Red Line, prior to the incorporation of the Red Line.

 

[Silence.]

 

Oliver West—Mike Linden

I don’t hear anything.

 

Infernal Machine
Paul Montgomery is currently reading a book in silence.

 

Oliver

Ah! Well, then, there’s our product. We just need to prod him toward a purchase. Review his calendar for suitable events and feed him a reminder.

 

Infernal Machine

Acknowledged.

 

Legion Assistant [speaker]

Reminder from the calendar of Paul Montogomery: Vincenzo’s birthday, this Saturday.

 

Chelmsworth—James Capobianco

Oh! Thank you, Roanoke.

 

Legion Assistant [speaker]

Books are popular gift items. I can place an order for you directly from BarnBucketBooks.com, a Legion subsidiary.

 

Chelmsworth [speaker]

Oh! Alright. Are you able to recommend something? I think he’d like a book about lockpicking.

 

Leon
Please have your Prole Pass, Bougie Badge, or other documentation of right to entry ready before entering the station.

 

Oliver

I see. Let’s try… this one.

 

Legion Assistant [speaker]

I recommend The Totally Legal Guide to Totally Legal Lockpicking by Author Anonymous for your first selection. User ratings give it 4.8 stars.

 

Chelmsworth [speaker]

Perfect. I’ll take that one. And while I’m ordering, I could use a book for myself about… um… absent fathers of adult children… who are trying to not be absent anymore?

 

Leon

This one gave Oliver pause.

 

Narrator
Haha, yes, I’d expect it would!

 

Leon
Ada. Where was Ada now? In Providence, of course, with Autumn. But where precisely? On the couch, watching television? In his room, doing homework? On a stage somewhere, doing one of his strange dance routines? When was the last time he’d seen Ada?

 

Narrator
But that was a concern for later. For when he wasn’t on the clock, keeping a customer waiting. The pressing concern in this moment was to pick a book and then sell it.

 

Oliver

Okay. Yes. A list… this list of titles. Let’s… let’s just… let’s go with this one.

 

Legion Assistant [speaker]

I recommend The Deadbeat Dad’s Emergency Guide to Last-Chance Redemption, published by Deadbeat Dads Anonymous, NFP. User ratings give it 4.5 stars. The top-rated user review says of this title: “My daughter used to hate me until I started following the advice in this book–now she occasionally tolerates my presence! Thank you DDA!”

 

Chelmsworth [speaker]

Well, that’s a bit harsh, and rather on the nose… but I suppose it fits the bill. I’ll take that one too, Roanoke. Thank you.

 

Legion Assistant [speaker]

Where would you like these delivered?

 

Chelmsworth [speaker]

To my residence in the former headquarters of Filene’s Basement at 426 Washington Street, Downtown Crossing, Boston.

 

Oliver

What? But I’m at 426 Washington Street!

 

Infernal Machine

Yes, you are located at 426 Washington Street. You are Oliver West, height 5’ 5”, weight…

 

Oliver

Infernal Machine, how is he able to afford such rent?

 

Infernal Machine

Paul Montgomery Chelmsworth does not pay rent. He is living in the offices of Filene’s Basement secretly, and without legal authorization to occupy this space.

 

Pliver

Well, now. Infernal Machine, would you please connect me with the man upstairs?

 

Infernal Machine

Paging the highest office. Please hold.

 

Narrator

Ah, my cue! Please excuse me.

 

Leon

By all means.

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously] Hello, Mr. West! I trust that you are contacting me because you have some useful bit of intel to report?

 

Oliver

I do indeed. 

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

And what course of action were you planning to recommend regarding Paul Montgomery Chelmsworth’s illegal occupation of the basement of Legion headquarters?

 

Oliver

Did you know… that… wait… damnation! What even is the point of putting me here if you’re just going to…

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

…listen in on your every utterance? Well, the point is to provoke such utterances, isn’t it? I can’t very well eavesdrop if there’s nothing to hear, now can I?

 

Oliver

Well. That is a vexing but irrefutably rational answer.

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

Why, thank you.

 

Oliver

May I ask why you have allowed an entire floor of office space to be occupied by a squatter whose interests are adverse to our own?

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

Well, it’s quite simple. I have reserved the pleasure of evicting him until such time as doing so may simultaneously serve my larger plans.

 

Oliver

Ah… it’s a chess move.

 

Leon
You’re testing Oliver. To see whether he’s last stop Ashmont, this is an Ashmont train or last stop Braintree, this is a Braintree train.

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

A stratagem, yes.

 

Oliver

I see. And while I do respect a good stratagem… However…

 

[Pause.]

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

Yes? Something about stratagems?

 

Leon

Oliver felt conflicted. On the one hand, he’d been trying to give a bit more credence to the conscience-based reasoning that Philip had tried to encourage these past years. He felt certain that in this situation, Phil would advise against subjecting a passably decent man to unexpected homelessness.

 

Oliver

Ugh, nothing. Never mind. Just a passing thought.

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

Are you certain? If you have a suggestion, I’m always open to ideas. Like your excellent stratagem of accepting the deal that allows your nephew freedom in exchange for relinquishing Wonderland? But perhaps with more immediate follow-through…

 

Oliver

No, I think…

 

[The door to Oliver’s office opens. We hear a wheeled car maneuvering in the doorway, along with the slosh of mop water.]

 

Oliver

Ah!!

 

Janitor—Rick Zieff

Pardon me, Mr. Businessman. Sorry to interrupt.

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

What was that, Mr. West? I’m not sure I heard you. Is everything quite alright?

 

Oliver

It’s that blasted Janitor again!

 

Janitor

Don’t mind me, Mr. Businessman. Just need to grab a plunger and a bottle of drano. There’s a clog in the thirty-second-floor bathroom like you wouldn’t believe!

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

A clogged toilet! Oh dear! However could that have happened?

 

Janitor
Oh, well, you know how these things go, Mr. Computer Voice—one guy drops a real big poop, and the next thing you know, you got poop water everywhere!

 

Oliver
Please, for the love of all that is holy or otherwise, take the tools you require and get out!

 

Janitor
Sure thing, Mr. Businessman.

 

[Janitor leaves, shutting the door behind him.]

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

My, what an unfortunate intrusion! So sorry, Mr. West. Now, where were we?

 

Oliver

My office!

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

Ah yes, the lovely space overlooking the alley!

 

Oliver

It does not overlook the alley, as it does not have a window through which to look! It is not even an office! You’ve tasked me with acting as your sinister spymaster, but you’ve given me nothing appropriate to the value or mystique of my role. Meanwhile, you have a secret underground office space, perfectly suited for use as an evil lair!

 

Leon

Due to a disabled train at Downtown Crossing.

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

Ah! That is a very good point, Mr. West. If I take your implication, you’re suggesting that now would be a pragmatic moment to evict the self-styled mayor, so that you might make better use of that space.

 

Oliver

Well… It does seem to be the most rational choice. But, I mean… if… I’m not sure that I want…

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

Oh, no “ifs” “ands” or “buts” about it, Mr. West! You’re quite right, and I appreciate your candor. I’ll make the arrangements immediately. And I’ll even allow you the satisfaction of delivering the good news!

 

Oliver

Oh. Uh. Thank you?

 

Narrator [live and by intercom simultaneously]

You’re welcome, Mr. West. And I do expect you’ll impress me with your mechanism of delivery!

 

Infernal Machine

Conference terminated. Would you like to leave a rating and review for this conference experience?

 

Oliver

Uh, no?

 

Infernal Machine

Very well. Happy Thursday, Oliver.

 

Oliver
Infernal Machine, just give me another subject.

 

Infernal Machine

Now streaming audio from Commutity Car 974, departing Davis Sq Station.

 

[Cell phone ringing.]

 

Mallory—Johanna Bodnyk

Hey, Scent-Wipe, how’s it hangin’?

 

Narrator
This girl again. She keeps popping up. And yet, I don’t believe I’ve narrated her. Have you narrated her?

 

Leon
Not everyone needs us.

 

Narrator
Hm, that must be galling for you to admit.

 

Mallory

Cool. Uh-huh. Whatever, dude, I’ve met enough of you Stamatis kids to know your whole deal. Nica blames herself for your brother’s bullshit, you blame yourself for all Nica’s ass-brain fuckery, and I bet your boy Leon spent a fuck-ton of energy rolling in guilt every time you shit your dick leaping ass-side up into another trademarked Dimitri-brand shenanigan.

Well, why wouldn’t it have a singular? It’s got a plural, doesn’t it?

 

Whatever. I’ve had too much of a day to get into a whole thing over lexicological bullshit. You will not believe the shit-blizzard my school enrollment has turned into. Turns out that scam school for sphincter studies didn’t just push CCSCCCC out and take over their space. They absorbed CCSCCCC, faculty, students and all. So now they’re claiming I’m a matriculated student, and they’re trying to charge me tuition for stank-ass classes I would never take at that fuck-stain of a school that I would never attend.

 

Listen to this: “Introduction to Monetary Virtue.” Barf. Or this one: “Artistic License: Creating NFTs from the Intellectual Property of Others.” Oh, oh, this one is the real shit bubble. And I do mean a gargantuan fart-filled balloon of liquid shit that’s just waiting to pop: “Mortal Commerce: The Modern Social Science of Upselling the Bereaved.”  Does that sound like a class I would ever in a million years intentionally sign up for? Don’t even answer that, because, no, obviously I would not ever set foot in that unwashed taint.

 

So, instead of using my time to find someplace halfway decent for my medical residency, I spent my whole day at the registrar’s office of fucking LIES, trying to withdraw from classes I’m not even in without getting myself fucked by a million different fees for early withdrawal. It’s a good thing I’m obnoxiously tenacious, or they’d have left me bankrupt again.

 

Oliver
I have… no idea what to try to sell to this person.

 

[Notification chime.]

 

Infernal Machine

Oliver, the package you approved has been delivered to Professor Paul Montgomery Chelmsworth.

 

Oliver
Ah. Good. Let’s just check in on him, then.

 

SPECIAL DELIVERY

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Professor Paul Montogomery Chelmsworth was caught completely off guard by the efficiency of BarnBucketBooks.com’s order fulfillment system.

 

[Digital chime.]

 

Legion Assistant (Roanoke)—Terrell Worrell

Your package has been delivered.

 

Chelmsworth—James Capobianco
Already? I just placed my order a few minutes ago!

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner

He discovered that he needn’t even go all the way to his front door. At the center of the small circle containing a microwave oven, electric kettle, camp stove, and other small appliances that served as his kitchen, he found that a tray table had been erected. Atop the tray table was a piping hot pizza—Chelmsworth detected the tantalizing aroma of anchovies and fennel, his favorite pizza toppings.

 

Leon

Are you advertising your pizza business while narrating?

 

Narrator

And right beside it was the package containing the books he’d ordered.

 

Chelmsworth [shouting] Vincenzo?

 

Vincenzo—Ester Ellis [distant]

Yeah, Pop?

 

Chelmsworth [shouting]

Did you bring a pizza home?

 

[Footsteps as Vincenzo approaches.]

 

Vincenzo

Naw, not me. Musta been some other pizzageist. I think that guy with the beard works our area. Aw, he stole my tray table trick! Pizza smells good, though!

 

Leon

Upon lifting the lid of the pizza box, Chelmsworth was met by a terrible surprise.

 

Narrator
There was a message neatly spelled out by carefully placed anchovies.

 

Chelmsworth

Eviction notice!?

 

Narrator

And just below the primary notice, all the fine print of the eviction was written out with fennel seeds.

 

Vincenzo

Whoa. Does that mean we’re…

 

Chelmsworth
Uprooted and un-domiciled. I can’t say where we shall hang our hat, but no longer shall we hang it here.

 

Leon
Please gather your belongings before exiting the train. Last stop. Exit. This train is going out of service. Exit the train. Last. Exit. Exit. Stop. Stop. Stop.

 

CREDITS

 

PRODUCTION

Greater Boston is created by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with help from T.H. Ponders, Bob Raymonda, and Jordan Stillman. Recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This episode was written and sound designed by Alexander Danner, with dialogue editing by Bob Raymonda.

Portions of this episode were recorded at The Bridge Sounds and Stage with recording engineers Javier Lom and Alex Alinson.

 

CAST

This episode featured:

• Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis and Cheese Robot
• Alexander Danner as the Narrator
• Mike Linden as Oliver West and Marlo
• Bonnie Bogovitch as Infernal Machine
• Terrell Worrell Jr. as the Legion Assistant
• Rocky Goldman as Jamie
• Gabby Hall as Penny
• Jordan Higss as Ethan and Cheese Robot
• Tanja Milojevich as Wanda McIntosh
• Briggon Snow as Ben Affleck
• Leslie Gideon as the Spectral Voice
• Zach Valenti as Matt Damon
• Ester Ellis as Vincenzo Wellington
• Johanna Bodnyk as Mallory
• and James Capobianco as Paul Montgomery Chelmsworth

 

MUSIC

• Charlie on the MTA recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede
• Sheep on the Boat recorded by Adrienne Howard, Emily Peterson, and Dirk Tiede
• Drums by Jim Johanson.

 

You can support us on Patreon at Patreon.com/GreaterBoston

Greater Boston is a ThirdSight Media Production

 

Cookie

Jordan Higgs

[laughs]

I love…I love reading Ethan, even though I ever time I read these, I go “I don’t know *where* this line is going, we’re just gonna find it…” Now, like…did this rhyme on purpose? Was that intentional? I was like, “Ethan doesn’t usually rhyme!” I know Ethan’s written in iambic pentameter, but now I was like…now we’re “new” and “blue” and it’s like…ah, sure, now I’m a Dr. Seuss villain, I’ll take it!