Episode 42: Wonderbug

COLD OPEN

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason
Have you ever accidentally found out about information you weren’t supposed to know about, and if so, are you comfortable talking about it?

 

Interview 1
Um, I did, but no? It may be used against me! [Laughs.]

 

[“Charlie on the MTA” begins.]

Chuck Octagon
Fair enough! You don’t have to answer anything—I should have said ahead of time, if you’re not comfortable ask-answering any of these questions, just say pass or whatever.

[Laughter.]


PREVIOUSLY IN

Kelly McCabe
Previously, in Greater Boston:

Gemma Linzer-Coolidge∏Lydia Anderson
Have you thought anymore about… meeting Phil? Bring Michael!

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb
Help me reunite my family. 

Gemma
Not until you help me with Red Line. Deal?

Leon
I believe it is. 

 

Isabelle Powell —Jessica Washington
I think I’m good with community representative, if it’s all the same. 

 

SEASON 4 TITLE SEQUENCE

Braintree
(Arlington)
Peabody
Third-Sight Media

Lowell
(alright)
Jamaica Plain
Uhhh… I’ve lived in Lemonster my whole life.
The Underground
Wellesley
(Worcester) 

Hanson
Mattapan Trolley Line
(I can’t say that one without a Boston accent, it’s just impossible)
Guy’s Food Truck
Arlington
Framingham
Newton
Lowell
Red Line

Uhh, I’m from Somerville
Roslindale
Former Headquarters of Filene’s Basement
Worcester
Andover
Now you can tell everybody
Medford 

(laughter)
That this is my truck
Dorchester
This is…

This is…
This is…
Greater Boston

 

[“Charlie” fades out slowly.]

 

Alexander Danner
This week in Greater Boston, Episode 42: Wonderbug. 

 

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason
Have you, uhh—have you ever accidentally found out about information you weren’t supposed to know about? 

 

Interview 2
Have you met my job?

Chuck Octagon
Yes, I have met your job. I have met the personification of your job, which is you!

Interview 3
That question has a different meaning for me than for other people, because I’m supposed to find out… the stuff. 

 

Interview 4
No. Everything—everything I know, I’m supposed to know about already. I I-I—things come to me at the right place at the right time.

 

Interview 5

At some point recently my mom was like, “oh yeah, you and your sister were both accidents.” I was like, “cool, very fun, Mom, thank you!”

 

Interview 2
It depends on the information, it depends on the context. You know, not to be all relative, but you have to weigh the… price of what would happen if you say something.

Interview 6
When I was a child,  I made it a habit of around the holiday season? Once I figured out that Mr. Christmas himself was not the most real man, I made it a habit of finding where my parents hid stuff.

 

Interview 3
So as far as, like, details, people tell me stuff and always… have?

Interview 6
And I always found it. And I’m not proud about it. But it’s like, once I figured out that big fact, well, my curiosity got the better of me, and we don’t live in a very big house. There’s only two or three places where they could hide stuff.

Interview 2
When I was younger, I loved Wiki-leaks, I thought they were—I thought it was a brilliant and beautiful idea, person notwithstanding. But also recognizing that there are things that can only be disclosed at certain times, and the challenges of that. 

Interview 7
I—I don’t handle that very well. I honestly—I need longer time to digest where am I, what am I doing. It’s because I want to see every aspect of it.

Interview 3
And I was at a concert on Lansdowne Street in Boston and, you know, I was there alone and went to use the restroom, and the woman next to me—there was no eye contact, except for the weird mirror eye contact that happens? The woman next to me turns to me and goes, “I’m going to break up with my boyfriend.” And, like—there was no “hello”. There was no mistaking me for her buddy. She just turned and told me, and that’s happened, like… an uncanny number of times? 

 

GUY’S GOOD FOOD TRUCK ADVERTISEMENT

 

[Country guitar picking plays throughout.]

 

Guy—Mike Linden

This is an advertisement for Guy’s Good Food Truck. Our menu is limited. There are four items. You must order one of the four items as described. One of the items is water. No substitutions. No added ingredients. No “special sauces.” No “ordering off the menu.” No questions. The menu is the menu. The menu is printed on the side of the truck. The menu is good. The truck is good. The food is good. 

 

Our menu items are as follows:

1) Hamburger. Bun. No cheese. No ketchup, single fresh pickle. 

2) Mexican Street Corn. Corncob. Mayo. Chili powder. Cheese. Lime.

3) Potatoes. Cubed. Fried in oil. Spanish. Covered in a spicy tomato sauce. 

4) Water. 

 

If you ask questions, you will not be served. Step up to the side of the truck. List your desired items followed by the quantity of those items. You will receive a number. You will step to the side. You will wait. Your number will be called. You will step back up to the truck to receive your items. You will take your items from the truck. The truck is good. The food is good. You will enjoy your items wherever you see fit. 

 

Guy’s Good Food Truck is parked at Wonderland daily from 11:00 AM to 7:00 PM. 

 

Truck. 

Good.

Food. 

Good.

Truck. 

 

Hamburboyle 

 

[Chatter, arguing, rustling, people disagreeing. A gavel is hit.]

 

Melissa Weatherby—Tanya Milojevic

The council has discussed your request, but we can hardly litigate someone operating a business outside the grounds of Wonderland illegally when we don’t have a legal claim to the land itself. 

 

Clark—Jesse Hall

In response to line item 734, Council Leader Weatherby makes an excellent point about the legality of our current occupation.

 

Bumbershoot—Cai Taylor

And where are we with that, huh? Has the council considered that we could be mowed down by bulldozers at any given moment? 

 

Particle Physics—Misha Stanton

We hear your concerns. And I’m pleased to tell you we’ve received support from nearly every municipality neighboring Wonderland. 

 

Slip—Cole Burkhardt

Except Red Line.

Melissa

Red Line has no jurisdiction here.

 

Isabelle Powell—Jessica Washington

We’re making strides looking into the legal side of things, but there are complications. One of those being our senior legal representative is tied up with committee work. 

 

Omi Ogawa—Julia Morizowa

Yeah, I’ll remind our fine Wonderland community that we’re in desperate need of additional volunteers. I can’t keep up efforts on the legal side of our claim to this land while being chiefly responsible for grounds and maintenance work. We need additional support that doesn’t come in the form of complaining.

 

Dimitri Stamatis—James Johnston [lost in the crowd]
May I ask the council a question?

 

Bumbershoot

If you’re so busy with grounds and maintenance, how come we have a death dealer at our doors?

 

Isabelle

Now, a food truck is hardly a death dealer, let’s take a step back, please.

 

Bumbershoot

Spoken like a true carnivore.

 

Fox Fossil—Caleb Del Rio

Need I remind you that one of Omi’s first acts on the council was appointing appropriate people to find suitable gardening land, which has already produced incredible results. 

 

Jimmy—Cass McPhee

What are we supposed to do with our pets?

 

Melissa

Uhh—pets?

 

Jimmy

My dog Shimmers is sick as a…. dog. 

 

Particle Physics

Okay.

 

Isabelle

We understand, and we’ll look into someone with veterinarian experience.

 

Dimitri

I know someone who might be interested.

 

Particle Physics

A member of our community?

 

Dimitri

Not as of yet, but only because— 

 

Slip

Oh, no. No more outsiders!

 

Bumbershoot

Some of us have already alienated people by joining forces; we’re not bringing in more Trojan horses.

 

Isabelle

Enough! Now, I know this transition has been difficult, but when we start looking at ourselves as the enemy? Not Bespin, not Red Line, but us, including our neighbors, including some poor man trying to make a living selling food to people lining up around the gates? That’s US. The people trying to build this community. If we think we’re the enemy, then we are already lost. 

 

Slip

His menu has bovine products!

 

Bumbershoot

AND CHEESE! 

 

Particle Physics

Half this whole place is made of cheese.

 

[Isabelle stands and moves away from the microphone, raising her voice to make sure she’s heard.]

Isabelle

I don’t care if he sells raw veal on a stick. The man is doing a service as far as I can tell by the long lines, and who are we to tell him to vacate? We have larger problems on our hands. If you don’t like what he’s doing, don’t support him. Lord knows there were plenty of restaurants in Red Line that served meat.

 

Slip

With all due respect, Council-member Powell, I didn’t come from Red Line.

 

Isabelle

You are here now, and here is your home. I’m also willing to bet there were always restaurants in whatever community you lived in prior that did things you didn’t agree with. People, neighbors, possibly even friends who did things against your own personal moral code. If you came here expecting your own brand of utopia, I have bad news for you. That’s a fantasy. This right here is a community. Now I’m not saying there aren’t hard lines. Red Line had hard lines. That’s why we fought back and that’s why we left. But now that we’re here, we either find the common ground, seed it, water it, and let it grow? Or we argue over that land until it becomes scourged, the earth turns bitter and hard, and the seeds get picked off by crows. Communities need support that don’t come with us at each other’s throats over hyperbole and hamburgers. 

 

[Isabelle resumes her seat, and Melissa bangs gavel.]

 

Melissa

Well said. And I think with that, we’re ready to move on from the food truck discussion. 

 

Slip

Fine! But at the next meeting, I’d like the agenda to include something about the inherent violence of that gavel. Why not something a little less drastic, huh? A small gong? A bell?

 

Melissa 

[Deep breath.] I am willing to hear a discussion of community pets, especially considering we know someone who might have a possible solution to that issue.

 

Clark

Line item 735, the council will open the floor to public comment to discuss the community issue with pets.

 

Jimmy

I can’t drive, I can’t take the bumper shuttle, and the nearest vet isn’t easy to get to on foot, especially with a sick puppy in tow. 

 

Melissa

There are a lot of present needs at the moment, but I also don’t want to dismiss the needs of animals.  There was one here who was suggesting help, can I call on them again?

 

Clark

In response to Line Item 735, Council Leader Weatherby calls upon a previous volunteer to make a suggestion. 

 

Dimitri

Uhh, I believe that was me. Hi. I’m the pet guy, Dimitri Stamatis. I know someone who is brilliant with animals. I bet some of you have heard of her. Mallory?

 

[Everyone mumbles enthusiastic agreement about knowing Mallory.]

 

Dimitri

Right, well, she’s studying to become a veterinarian, but she still has a few credits left to earn. She recently transferred to NSCC and is looking for a residency to finish her program.

 

Fox

Wonderful!

 

Dimitri

If— 

 

[Audible groan from everyone involved.]

 

Dimitri [continuing]

If I can meet with the council? I’ve been trying to for weeks, to no avail. It’s about my sister, Nica Stamatis. She is currently awaiting trial in a Red Line cell and desperately nee — 

 

[Crowd boos and jeers escalate, cutting Dimitri off. The gavel is hit again.]

 

Slip [distantly]

A gong, I’m telling you! Just get a gong!

Isabelle

Not only did your sister support the Bespin campaign, she’s been arrested for being directly responsible for the Lottery attacks. You know who initially took the fall for that Lottery nonsense, correct?

 

Dimitri

Yes, and I also know that the real culprit was found, exonerated by Bespin, and is now working as RLPD. With that clear line of injustice, you can’t really believe that Nica is solely responsible for everything wrong with Red Line. And what’s more, I know for a fact she was only working for the Bespins to funnel information to others in an effort to stop what Bespin was doing. Which is exactly why she was arrested. 

 

Fox

That seems a little far-fetched, doesn’t it?

 

Charlotte Linzer-Coolidge—Summer Unsinn [from the crowd]

It’s true. 

 

Fox

Oh.

 

Isabelle

Charlotte? 

 

Charlotte

I came tonight to discuss our educational needs, as well as… well—I’d like to suggest a new council position that is central to those needs, which are plenty. But Dimitri is right. Gemma told me about this informant after she was arrested. 

 

Slip

So this woman could have derailed Bespin’s campaign and helped us from the inside, but instead Bespin was elected and we’re all evicted? And now we’re gonna risk help for someone who used to terrorize us?

 

[Commotion among the crowd.]

 

Florence—Tal Minear [shouting over the crowd]

HOW COME THE PEANUT BUTTER JARS DON’T FEEL AS FIRM AS THEY USED TO? I DON’T TRUST THAT!

 

Isabelle [coveings the mic/feedback]

Well, Melissa? What do you think? 

 

[Pause.]

 

MELISSA [making gong noise]Gong! Gong! Gong! Gong!

 

[Crowd goes quiet, with confused mutterings.]

 

Melissa

Sorry. Trying to, uhh. You know. Gavel. Violence. The committee will meet with Mr. Stamatis privately to discuss this veterinarian position and his sister. It’s been a long night. We will schedule a make-up session for the rest of the agenda. Gong gong, we out. 

 

Clark

Public comment session adjourned. Make-up session soon to be scheduled. 

 

[Minor uproar from some of the crowd, others weakly applaud.]

 

Postponed Interview: Part 1

 

[Red Line doors open. Sound of Red Line trains.]

 

Gemma Linzer-Coolidge—Lydia Anderson

Okay, here we are. Why don’t you take a seat? 

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Umm.

 

Gemma

Thankfully, there are places to sit today. Haven’t seen the place this empty since I first came back, but Isaiah just snuck a huge batch of busted Red-ugees back to Wonderland. We have to be careful about when we can actually move them out. Anyway—?

 

Leon

I can not sit.

 

Gemma

Right, sorry. Just trying to get in the frame of mind. 

 

Leon

What frame of—?

 

Gemma

Why don’t you begin by telling me a bit more about yourself? 

 

Leon

Okay. My name is Leon Stamatis. I worked in the publishing industry for several years. I am currently dead. 

 

Gemma

And what do you know about me and the work we’re trying to do with Red Line?

 

Leon

Is this—is this a job interview?

 

Gemma

Yeah, look, it seems appropriate, right? I mean the first time I got to know you was through your cover letter—

 

Leon

Which you failed to read.

 

Gemma

What? How did you know that?

 

Leon

I am a semi-omniscient spirit trapped in a magical crystal ball. 

 

Gemma

Right, so I’m guessing that’s going to be handy. But how does that work, exactly? Can you demonstrate your experience by showing me where some Red Line refugees are hiding?

 

Leon

It doesn’t always work so fluidly. The information I have access to is widely available in some ways, but tapping into it can be overwhelming. It needs to be organized into an almost-broader narrative. Think of it as a faucet. I can fill a glass, or I can flood the house. The full glass may be limited, but it’s drinkable. If the house floods, I might drown. 

 

Gemma

So… that’s a “no” to helping me find Red Line refugees? 

 

Leon

No, it’s not a “no”. I can absolutely help you there, but I’m trying to convey that you may need patience with me, which is not a virtue you usually possess. 

 

Gemma

Oh! Someone’s done his research. 

 

Leon

There were several times when you fit into the broader narrative. I got a very good understanding of who you were. Especially when we were bonded by the ball previously. After, less so. And then— 

 

Gemma

Then what?

 

Leon

Then you were… gone. 

 

Gemma

Gone?

 

Leon

Yes. Sometime late last year. You were no longer accessible to me. 

 

Gemma

Huh. I wonder why. 

 

Leon

You are not the only one.

 

Gemma

Who else?

 

LEON

Hundreds, if not thousands, many of whom you don’t know.  It took me a long time to process this. Again, when turning on the faucet, it’s hard to figure out how many drops of water are available if you don’t risk flooding the house. But over time I noticed that the… well… water pressure was less intense, for lack of a better metaphor. And then I started noticing specific people I used to have access to were no longer available. Yourself. Isabelle Powell. Michael. 

 

Gemma

Yeah, what the fuck do you two have going on, anyway?

 

Leon

We were… we are friends. Best friends. 

 

Gemma

Like… friends or quotation-mark “friends”?

 

Leon

I don’t know what “quotation-mark ‘friends’” means.

 

Gemma

Come on, man. Like Ernie and Bert. 

 

Leon

We are certainly not muppets. 

 

Gemma

Do you love each other?

 

Leon

Yes, of course. 

 

Gemma

Okay…

 

Leon

Oh. But no, not romantically. 

 

Gemma

You sure?

 

Leon

Yes. Why is that so surprising?

 

Gemma

I just… I don’t know too many men that like… have that kind of relationship. Who are friends and who love each other to this degree but are not— 

 

Leon

Romantic?

 

Gemma

Yes. 

 

Leon

That’s too bad. Isn’t it?

 

Gemma

Yeah. I guess it is. 

 

Leon

I feel we have wildly strayed from appropriate interview rhetoric. 

 

Gemma

It’s probably a good thing you weren’t alive enough for me to hire you at ThirdSight. 

 

Leon

You assume I would have taken the job after meeting you and seeing the work environment. 

 

Gemma

That’s fair. Wait. You wouldn’t turn this job down, would you?

 

LEON

This… isn’t a job. And we had a deal. I’m prepared to honor it. Speaking of which—I have something to show you that I think suits both of our interests. My brother has just attended a community meeting at Wonderland. He is attempting to get my sister legal help. 

 

Gemma

What does this have to do with me?

 

Leon

Let me show you. 

 

[Magic whooshing sound.]

 

The Wanderer 

 

[Magic whooshing sound transition.]

 

Dimitri Stamatis—James Johnston

—but she only worked for Bespin as a spy, and when Emily discovered that, Nica was arrested under the pretense of the Lottery attacks. 

 

Gemma Linzer-Coolidge—Lydia Anderson [crystal ball filter for duration of scene] Your brother, right?

 

Isabelle Powell—Jessica Washington

Which she was responsible for.

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb [crystal ball filter for duration of scene] Yes.

 

Isabelle 

[Pause.] Mr. Stamatis, how long have you lived here in Wonderland?

 

Dimitri

Just a few months. 

 

Isabelle

And you were a Red Line resident before that?

 

Dimitri

No, before I—well—I was kinda… wandering. 

 

Isabelle

Wandering where?

 

Dimitri

Well, for a while I was living in a food truck my sister used to own. Before that? California. Alaska. Portland, Oregon. The Pacific Ocean. The lost city of Atlantis. 

 

Gemma

Wow.

 

Isabelle

No need to be sarcastic, now. 

 

Leon

He’s not.

 

Omi Ogawa—Julia Morizawa

I don’t know what you think we can do for you, but my advice would be to get your sister a good lawyer.

 

Dimitri

That’s what I’m trying to do. She’s going to be represented by a Red Line public defender. Do you have any idea what that means? Someone hand picked by Emily for their sheer incompetence. [Pause.] I’m not saying she hasn’t made poor decisions, but she still deserves justice. All I’m trying to do is give her a fighting chance.

 

Omi

A pro bono fighting chance, right? Because this is Wonderland, where people want everything and everything should be free. 

 

Dimitri

I can try to pay with what little I have, but I currently don’t have any income. I have some ideas, though. About Wonderland. About how I can help.

 

Isabelle

So you hook us up with a dog doctor and we let Omi take a case with a confirmed terrorist?

 

Leon and Dimitri [simultaneous]

—She is not a terrorist — 

 

Dimitri

If I could help her, I would. In fact I want to. But I’m not a lawyer. I’m not anything, really. I’m just—just a— 

 

Isabelle

A wanderer. 

 

Dimitri

It’s one of the reasons this place appeals to me. There’s something very adventurous about living in a theme park, especially one you don’t outright own. But if I could make a suggestion? I think you all could use some of that to your advantage. 

 

Isabelle

How so?

 

Dimitri

Well, think about Red Line. You lived on the trains and you had opportunities to help transport people. Now you live in a theme park. Maybe you could use it to brighten people’s day? 

 

Omi

You think we should reopen this giant cheese wheel to the public?

 

Dimitri

I mean, put some work into it first. But yeah! There is a lot of talent in this community that’s going wasted. You could transform this place, open it to the public, show everyone we’re not the bad guys Bespin paints us as. 

 

Omi

We try to get help from the public, we’ve asked for volunteers over and over again, but— 

 

Dimitri

No offense, but people aren’t going to jump at the chance to be on a committee. Not everyone is cut out for that, and they know it. But if you meet them where they live; That will get them excited at a chance to contribute. 

 

Isabelle

There are a lot of artists and cooks here. 

 

Charlotte Linzer-Coolidge—Summer Unsinn

They could sell their art, their food to visitors who come in to ride the rides. 

 

Omi

Some folks could be attendants or work the games. 

 

Isabelle

And anyone with any mechanical inclination could redesign the rides. 

 

Charlotte

Oh, god, I would love to do something artistic again. I could even design some of the murals or displays, make them less… cheesy. Help arrange the showcases. Hell, I’ll do face painting if it meant doing something artistic again. 

 

Isabelle

You might be onto something, Mr. Stamatis. You may have noticed this community hasn’t been as peachy-keen smooth as some of us first envisioned. Maybe what we need to do is figure out just who is here and what they can bring to the table. And use where we are, who we are, to bring everyone together. 

 

Dimitri

You’re doing a great good for people. You’re housing them. Protecting them. It’s only fair to ask them how they can help. As long as it’s fair? I bet they’ll respect that and respond. 

 

Isabelle

And what about you? How will you respond?

 

Dimitri

I’m not gonna lie. I’m still trying to figure that out. But if anything, I’d like to help out with work my sister was doing in her absence. I just don’t know what that could be. 

 

Charlotte

Isabelle. Should we—tell him?

 

Gemma

No!

 

Leon

No?

 

Isabelle

There is a secret group of us working in Red Line. They help people just trying to get to work, arrested for not having enough money to take the damn train. When they’re arrested they force them to work for free. We have our own version of the Black Codes right here in Red Line. Our group sneaks them into work so they can attempt a somewhat normal life. And when they get busted? Our group sneaks them back to freedom. My nephew, Isaiah, was one of them.

 

Charlotte

And so is my wife. 

 

Gemma

God, I miss her. 

 

Dimitri

Interesting. 

 

Omi

Okay. Fine. Whatever. I’m a secret softie. If you go to Red Line and give them your support, AND put us in touch with this wonder-vet, I’ll at least meet your sister. But just to talk about her case! Nothing more beyond that yet. Deal?

 

Dimitri

I’ll call Mallory right away! 

 

Charlotte

You don’t know any teachers, do you?

 

Dimitri

If I meet any in my travels, I will make sure to let you know.

 

[Magic whooshing sound out.]

 

Postponed Interview: Part 2

 

[Magic whooshing sound in—Red Line trains running.]

 

Gemma Linzer-Coolidge—Lydia Anderson [no longer filtered]

Whoa.

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb [no longer filtered]

Yes. A unique experience, I know.

 

Gemma

It was like… I was there. Is that what it’s always like for you?

 

Leon

Most of the time. Sometimes it’s different. Sometimes it’s like I’m watching a scene unfold in a film. Sometimes I’m in the mind of a specific person. 

 

Gemma

Like you’re possessing them?

 

Leon

No, possession would mean I’m in control. I gain access to their thoughts and I’m able to… well? Articulate what they’re thinking. Piecing their story together through their thoughts.

 

Gemma

So it’s more like… they’re possessing you?

Leon

I suppose that’s one way to put it, yes. [Pause.] Why did you say no?

 

Gemma

What?

 

Leon

My brother said he wanted to join you here. You didn’t sound pleased. 

 

Gemma

Yeah? I mean. I don’t know. It’s always weird, working with new people. 

 

Leon

Especially for you. Case in point: us.

 

Gemma

Yeah, we’re oil and fucking buttercream.

Leon
That—that isn’t a proper metaphor. Oil is a component of buttercream and—

Gemma
Yeah, yeah, it’s just how it sounds! Not everything has to be a perfect crystal sphere, my guy.

 

Leon

Indeed. But I’ve spent enough time adjacent to your thoughts to know when you’re not revealing all your cards. 

 

Gemma

Well, like—our deal was to help each other out. And if he’s with me, then I feel like I need to just hand you over? How’s that going to work? “Sorry, brah, I know your brother’s stuck in this ball, but until we liberate Red Line he ain’t going nowhere.”

 

Leon

Dimitri would understand our arrangement. 

 

Gemma

Would he?

 

Leon

With enough… finessing, yes. And knowing where I am would alleviate a considerable amount of stress. Especially if you use me to help Nica. 

 

Gemma

I’m really not getting a sense of how this whole arrangement is going to help, though. 

 

Leon

I literally just showed you someone coming to aid your resistance. 

 

Gemma

Yes, but as previously established, I’ve got a big case of the weirds about that. 

 

leon

Very well. There’s other important information to share with you. Are you ready?

 

Gemma

Are we going to do that magic… whooshing shit again?

 

Leon

Yes. 

 

Gemma

Can we just… wait until the train stops?

 

Leon

I suppose.

 

Gemma

Just… too much moving at once, you know?

 

Leon

I’m used to it.

 

Gemma

Sure. Plus you don’t have a body. Right? There’s no little Leon in there, is there?

 

Leon

No. 

 

Gemma [singing]“I’m just a teeny little super-guy.” Right? ‘Member that?

 

Leon

I don’t.

Gemma
Uh, how about … singing Pointer Sister song] “1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12!”

Leon
I know eight eleven five four nine one seven six ten three twelve two?

 

Gemma

What?

Leon
Inside joke.

 

[Pause.]

 

Gemma

Okay, fuck it, this is taking too long. Whoosh away, magic man.

 

[Magic whooshing sound—but something is wrong.]

 

CURVEBALL

 

[Tinkering noise mixed with whooshing sound – bangs and booms. Red Line sound.]

 

Brian Brown—Ian DePriest

Hey. Hey, I know you, don’t I?

 

Valliance Johnson—Jordan Cobb

I mean.. .I don’t think we’ve met personally.

 

Brian 

Yeah, no, I don’t mean… but you’re her, right? The new pitcher for the Yard Goats. Uh… something Johnson. Victory?

 

Gemma Linzer-Coolidge—Lydia Anderson[crystal ball filter throughout duration of scene]

Uhh? Leon?

 

Valliance 

Valiance.

 

Brian 

Valiance! Right! Sorry.

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb [crystal ball filter throughout scene]

Hang on. I don’t know what’s— 

 

Valliance [not entirely sincerely] 

It’s fine.

 

Brian 

I didn’t mean…

 

Valliance 

Happens all the time. [It does. It’s annoying.]

 

Brian

Yeah. Anyway, I think it’s great. The whole Yard Goats thing. But I shouldn’t… sorry. I know it can be frustrating. You get recognized on the train or wherever, and people just start talking to you… I’ll leave you alone.

 

Valliance

Well… honestly, that part’s new. The getting recognized in public thing? I’m sure it’ll get old fast, but for now it’s still kind of cool. Since we’re already talking, let me ask you something. What is it you like about the Yard Goats? You’re in a Northeastern hoodie, so I’m guessing you’re not a Red Linean. And even if you were, I mean… we’ve got no history here. Most of the team’s from Connecticut. And we’re not all that good…

 

Brian

Well, I mean… that’s kinda it? No history and not all that good… I can relate to that. But you’re starting fresh, you know? You guys were one thing in Hartford. But now you’re here and you’re a different thing. That’s cool. That’s real easy to root for. I can’t wait for your exhibition game against the Sox!

 

Guy at Other End of Train[shouting]

Red Sooooooox!!!

 

Vallia ce

I could maybe wait a little longer for that one, if I’m being honest. We’re going to win, but I want more time to prepare. 

 

Brian

Damn. Dig your confidence. But remember, if you’re good enough to lose to the Sox, you’re still good enough to play against the Sox.

 

Guy at Other End of Train [shouting]

Red Sooooooox!!!

 

Valliance

We’re not going to lose. But thanks for talking. This was actually kind of helpful. [Hesitant] I still feel a little ridiculous offering this, but can I sign something for you?

 

[Whooshing noise.]

 

Postponed Interview Part 3

 

[Whooshing noise.]

 

Gemma Linzer-Coolidge—Lydia Anderson

Uhh. Who the hell were those people? 

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

I… they were… Brian and Valiance. Sorry. I thought we were going somewhere and we ended up somewhere else. This has never happened before. It’s embarrassing. 

 

Gemma

Well, don’t worry, I’m still interested; just get us to the right place.

 

Leon

I will try. Here we go. 

 

[Whooshing noise.]

 

Wonderbug

 

[Outdoors—trenchcoat theme plays. “Charlie on the MTA” chiptune ringtone plays.]

 

Michael Tate—James Oliva

Hello?

 

Wendell—Mike Linden

Michael? It’s Wendell. Louisa’s fella?

 

Gemma Linzer-Coolidge—Lydia Anderson [crystal ball filter throughout scene]

Oh, god, this guy again.

 

Michael

Hey, Wendell! How are you?

 

Wendell

Hey, uh, is… is Louisa with you?

 

Michael

Uh, no, but I’m meeting her soon. 

 

Wendell
Cool! Are you meeting for a work thing?

Michael
Uhh, yeah. Something like that.

Wendell
So. Not a work thing, then?

MICHAEL
It’s work… adjacent.

Wendell
Sort of like a half-work half … non-work… type of thing?

Michael
Uhh… Wendell? Are you okay?

Wendell
I’m sorry, I just… uhh. She told me she was going somewhere this afternoon but wasn’t very clear on where it was.

Michael
Oh.

Wendell
I only asked because she seemed a little tense, but she just sort of brushed me off.

Michael
I gotcha.

Wendell
And then… come to find out. She’s meeting you! Her good friend. Michael. So. Nothing to worry about, right?

Michael
Oh—oh yeah, you know, it’s just for work? Like— 

 

Wendell

Oh—oh yes, I know.

 

Michael

Since we’re reporting on this stuff sometimes we need to, uhh—

 

GEmma

Aherghhhh! This is so awkward! 

 

Wendell

No, no, I didn’t mean to—

Michael
—protect our sources?

 

Wendell

It’s—sorry. That was coming off—not—not the way I—well?

 

Michael

Hey, let’s start over.

 

Wendell 

[Sings a cleansing note.]AHHHHH! [Pause.] Sorry, that’s my cleansing note. For when I just need to, you know, reset the song. 

 

Gemma

Jesus fucking Christ. 

 

Michael

Mm, I, I liked it, sounds very… calming? Like Monk-chant or something.You know, I used to hear that in my head sometimes. 

 

Wendell

Cool! Well. I—I’m also calling because… things are going well for Louisa and I. 

 

Michael

So I hear.

 

Wendell

But.

 

Michael

Oh. There’s a “but”. What’s the “but”?

 

Wendell

Well, it’s not a bad “but”, but it’s a “but”. Sometimes I’ll ask her questions. About her family, about how she grew up, even some questions about you. But. 

 

Michael

But… she doesn’t give you the deets?

 

Wendell

Yeah! And—I mean, as we’re getting more serious, I just… I just wanna know more about her. But at the same time, I don’t want to force it. 

 

Michael

I totally understand. Listen, Louisa and I are taking a quick trip to Providence next week. Maybe I can bring up a bit whe—

Wendell
You’re going to Providence together?

Michael
Oh! Yeah, it’s just like a day trip. It’s uhh—it’s only a—

Wendell
Work thing?

Michael
Yeah! That’s it. Total. Work thing.

Wendell
Cool! That’s… cool.

Michael
Wendell, you know I’m absolutely no threat to you, right?

Wendell
Oh, what? Yeah! Of course. I wasn’t even…

Michael
And you know Louisa really cares about you?

 

Wendell 

Yeah, yes. Yes. Thank you. I just… I wish I could convince her to open up more. I love my Wonderbug like crazy, but sometimes — 

 

Michael

Wonderbug?

 

Wendell

Oh. Yeah, it’s one of my pet names for her.

 

Gemma

Gross!

 

Michael

For… Louisa?

 

Wendell

Yes…?

 

Michael

And she… likes it?

 

Gemma

I bet you ANY money— 

 

Wendell

Well, she doesn’t seem to mind. 

 

Gemma

—she does not!

 

Michael

That’s not exactly the same thing.

 

Leon

I suspect you may be correct. 

 

Wendell

Yes. She finds all my silly pet names endearing.

 

Michael

Huh. See? You know more about her than I do about some things, too. And I’ll be honest, some of the things you’re talking about? Now that I sit here and think about it, I’ve experienced it, too. So during our trip, maybe I’ll just ask some questions of my own. And if she puts up her wall, it might provide me an opportunity to—to chip away at it. And if it does I’ll be in a better position to offer you advice. Does that sound okay?

Wemde;;
Uhh. Sure. I’d appreciate that. Thank you.

Michael
Good. Gotta run, we’re about to meet my source. Bye, Wendell!

 

[Hangs up. Michael mumbles something like “woof!”.]

 

Louisa Alvarez—Julia Propp

Hey, you’re here and you’re rocking that trenchcoat!

 

Michael

Hey!  Sure you’re up for this?

 

Louisa

No, but Gemma said he might have good information, and she basically insisted. 

 

Michael

He’s late. 

 

Louisa

He’s probably going to send some flower delivery guy to sing an aria to tell us his information or something. 

 

Gemma

Oh. This is Phil?

 

Leon

Yes. 

 

Michael

Ah, yeah, well, could be worse. One of his hires seems to have worked out okay.

 

Louisa

Yeah! I never would have thought that I would have met my new boyfriend from my ex-boyfriend after he hired him to sing a song and explode tea into my eye. Life sure got weirder since I met you, you know.

 

Michael

Oh, this is my fault?

 

Louisa

Eh, I mean, correlation doesn’t imply causation. 

 

Philip West—Michael Melia

Uhh, hey. Hey, Louisa. 

 

Louisa

Phil.

 

Phil

Michael. Didn’t know you’d be coming, too. 

 

Michael

Yep!

 

Phil

Nice trenchcoat. 

 

Michael

Nice… blues?

 

Phil

Thanks. It’s a little wrinkly. I need to wash it, but I’m working so much it’s hard to find the time. 

 

Louisa

Do you only have one?

 

Phil

Yeah. Cost-preventative measures. 

 

Louisa

From Emily.

 

Phil

Yep.

 

Louisa

Right. So. Whatcha got?

 

Phil

Here’s a location of some folks that want to relocate to Wonderland. They’re kinda stuck on the Mattapan trolley line, though, which makes it a bit more difficult, but— 

 

Louisa

Oh, nice. Gemma made a contact out there which should help. 

 

Phil

Oh. Great.

 

Louisa

What else you got?

 

Phil

Uhh. You know I—this—isn’t easy for me, right? I just—I just wanted to say I’m sorry, and I wish I had made different decisions. 

 

Louisa

Yeah, but you didn’t, so here we are. Be thankful you’re not in jail. Is there anything else?

 

Phil

Wonderland. I know who owns Wonderland. 

 

Michael

What?

 

Louisa

Really?

 

Phil

Yes. And he might be willing to sell. 

 

Michael [more of a statement]

Sell Wonderland?

 

Phil

Possibly. 

 

Louisa

Phil. How well do you know who owns Wonderland? 

 

Phil

Yeah, maybe I could talk to you about it—over dinner?

 

[Pause.]

 

Gemma

Ohhhhhhh, shit. 

 

[“Snowband” begins to play and continues throughout the credits.]

 

Louisa

Wow. Okay. This is over. Bye!

 

Phil

Wait! I mean, I just thought— 

 

Michael

Not a good move, bud. 

 

Louisa

Ugggh, you may think you’re doing the right thing here, but the second you turn it around and make it about you, all that shit will get flushed down the fucking toilet, you greedy piece of shit. You don’t get to manipulate me anymore, do you understand? You got intel for us in the future, you tell it to Michael. We’re done. Keep my name out of your mouth and my face out of your thoughts. 

 

Phil

I want to help!

 

Louisa

Then learn to fucking help without helping yourself! 

 

[Storms off.]

 

Michael

Uhh, hey, uhh. Did you ever get my letter?

 

Phil

Uhh, no. When did you send it?

 

Michael

A while ago. When I was starving. From, you know. Lack of food. 

 

Phil

Oh. Right. I’ve uhh …I’ve moved a lot since since then. Where did you even send it?

 

Michael

Address on file in the ThirdSight computer.

 

Phil

Oh. Yeah, okay. It’s probably in a heap on the floor at that safe house. I’ll check it and read it soon. Hey, umm. Sorry. Sorry I almost. You know. Starved. You. To death. 

 

Michael

Phil? I forgive you. 

 

Phil

Really?

 

Michael

Sure. Now do me a favor. Earn that forgiveness. 

 

[Magic whooshing noise.]

 

Postponed Interview: Part 3

 

[Magic whooshing sound in—Red Line trains running.]

 

Gemma Linzer-Coolidge—Lydia Anderson

Holy shit. 

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Yes.

 

Gemma

I think Phil owns Wonderland.

 

Leon

He does. 

 

Gemma

And he’s thinking of selling? Maybe to us?

 

Leon

Yes.

 

Gemma

But he’s conflicted because— 

 

Leon

Yes! 

 

Gemma

AND we got intel about some Redugees. Okay, Mr. Stamatis. You’re officially hired. 

 

Leon

Of course. I have one request. Can we visit my sister soon?

 

Gemma

Ah, fuck. That’s gonna be fun. 

 

CREDITS

 

Greater Boston is created by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with help from T.H. Ponders, Bob Raymonda, and Jordan Stillman. Recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

 

This episode was written by Jeff Van Dreason and Alexander Danner. Sound design by Jeff Van Dreason. Dialogue editing by Bob Raymonda.

 

Portions of this episode were recorded at The Bridge Sounds and Stage with recording engineers Javier Lom and Alex Alinson.

 

CAST

 

This episode featured:

• Mike Linden as Guy and Wendell (he/him & he/him)
• Tanya Milojevic as Melissa Weatherby (she/her)
• Jesse Hall as Clark (he/him)
• Cai Taylor as Bumbershoot 
• Misha Stanton as Particle Physics (they/them)
• Cole Burkhardt as Slip (he/him)
• Jessica Washington as Isabelle Powell (she/her)
• Julia Morizawa as Omi Ogawa (she/her)
• Caleb Del Rio as Fox Fossil (he/him)
• James Johnston as Dimitri Stamatis (he/him)
• Cass McPhee as Jimmy (he/him)
• Summer Unsinn as Charlotte Linzer Coolidge (she/her)
• Tal Minear as Florence (they/them)
• Lydia Anderson as Gemma Linzer-Coolidge (she/her)
• Braden Lamb as Leon Stamatis (he/him)
• Ian DePriest as Brian Brown (he/him)
• Jordan Cobb as Valliance Johnson (she/her)
• James Oliva as Michael Tate (he/him)
• Julia Propp as Louisa Alvarez (she/her)
• and Michael Melia as Philip West (he/him)
• With Denise Manning, Sara Miriam, Narita Ganesh, Max Brodsky, Jordan Stillman, and Janae Perkins as Mallory Murmerers. 

 

MUSIC

 

• “Charlie on the MTA” recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede.
• “Anderson Abbey” and “Snow Ban” recorded by Adrienne Howard, Emily Peterson, and Dirk Tiede.
• Drums by Jim Johanson.
• “Trenchcoat” by Jeff Van Dreason and Jim Johanson.

 

You can support us on Patreon at Patreon.com/GreaterBoston

 

Content Notes

 

• Spectral surveillance
• Reenactment of a committee meeting
• Gavels instead of gongs
• Bovine products (and cheese)
• T R U C K 
• Attempts at manipulation and coercion 
• Lack of firm peanut butter jars
• Cursing

 

Greater Boston is a ThirdSight Media Production

 

COOKIE

 

Julia Propp
Then learn to fucking help without helping yourself… oh wait, no. Then learn to fucking… then learn to fucking help without fucking yourself! [Laughs]. Then learn to fucking help without helping yourself. [Quieter] Then learn to fucking help without helping yourself. [Harder laughter.] Okay, sorry, guys, let me do it one more time. Umm.