Episode 46: An Audience for Nica

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason

Have you ever had jury duty?

 

Interview 1

I have, and I love it. 

 

Chuck

Really?

 

Interview 1

I get excited about jury duty. Oh my goodness. When that letter comes in the mail, I’m like, yes! And you want to know what else? Oh my goodness. I get so ecited to share this. In my first time being selected as a juror, the judge chose me to be the foreperson. I actually got to be the foreperson on a case! And we actually came to a decision, there was a moment there where we weren’t sure that we would come to a decision, and we had to request the judge for more time, but I’m telling you, it was amazing.

 

And then not only that, but I got to read the verdict. 

 

[“Charlie on the MBTA” plays.]

 

And I was there to see, like, the relief—like, it ended up being a not-guilty, the relief on the faces of the family and the gentleman who was on trial. It was, like, amazing.

 

So, like, and then, we even got, like, a letter at the end of it, and I’m not sure if they do this after every jury duty, but the judge sent a letter and was like “thank you for your hard work on the jury”. And it was, like, I still have that letter, and I was ready to frame it. 

 

Previously in Greater Boston: 

 

Omi Ogawa—Julia Morizawa

It’s basically a no-win scenario. That’s how I feel about your case. But if we’re going to go down, let’s take some of them down with us. What do you say? 

 

Nica Stamatis—Kelly McCabe

Beam me up, Omi!

 

Philip West—Michael Melia

I think it’s time I read that letter. 

 

Nica

Mark Wahlberg can go shit in a hat. Directly. 

 

Phil

Sorry I almost starved you to death. 

 

Michael Tate—James Oliva

I forgive you. Now, do me a favor. Earn that forgiveness. 

 

[Title sequence plays.]

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner

This week in Greater Boston, Episode Forty-Six: An Audience for Nica. 

 

EMILY THROWS A BALL

[Baseball stadium—cheering crowds, organ playing the national anthem.]

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner

It’s a banner day at Park ‘n’ Ride Stadium at Braintree station. The seats are packed, there’s music playing, vendors are hawking their wares. The beer is cold! The hot dogs are hot! The popcorn is popped!

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb
The roasted peanuts are neither peas nor nuts!

 

Narrator
Yes, thank you, Professor Buzzkill. Point is, the stadium is poised for a glorious first day open to the public—very good news indeed for Mayor Emily Bespin.

 

Leon

The Underground is also on the scene, ready to report every detail of the day’s game.

 

Nichole Fonzarelli—Kristin DiMercurio

This is Nichole Fonzerelli reporting live in Red Line, where minor-league sports history is being made! As spring training comes to a close, the Red Line Yard Goats are giving their stadium a christening to remember with an exhibition match against Boston’s own beloved Red Sox.

 

Baseball Fan 1—Tanja Milojevich
Red Sooooooooox!

 

Baseball Fan 2—Jordan Stillman [bleating, like a goat]

 

Yaaard GOOOATS!

 

Nichole
Listen to that excitement! The Bespin administration has been riding on a wave of good will earned by delivering the stadium promised by former mayor Charlotte Linzer-Coolidge. But will it be enough to distract voters from her administration’s unbridled elitism and chicanery?

 

Emily Bespin—Sam Musher
Excuse me?

 

Nichole
Mayor Bespin, you must be feeling very optimistic about your local sports initiative.

 

Emily

Uh… well… yes. Yes I am. We’ve got a huge crowd. People sure do love sports!

 

Nichole

And immediately after completing your ceremonial role here at the stadium, you’ll make a mad dash to the municipal courtyard to give your testimony in the trial of Nica Stamatis.

 

Leon
Wait… that’s today?! Why didn’t I know that’s today?

 

Narrator

Eh, don’t worry about it. We’ll check in on that later.

 

Nichole

How do you respond to accusations that you’re using Ms. Stamatis as a scapegoat—eh, eh, see what I did there?—for crimes you yourself orchestrated?

 

Emily

What? That’s ridiculous! Who are you? I don’t have time for this nonsense. I have to throw a ball.

 

[Emily storms off.]

 

Nichole

There you have it, folks. In response to the criminal allegations against her, Mayor Emily Bespin says “I have to throw a ball.”

 

Leon
Let’s go to the courtyard.

 

Narrator

Not yet. I want to see the first pitch.

 

Thomas Thomas—Richard Penner

Hello, baseball fans!

 

[Crowd cheers.]

 

I am your announcer, Thomas Thomas, and I’m excited to welcome you to Braintree Park ‘n’ Ride Rooftop Stadium, home of the Red Line Yard Goats!

 

[More cheers.]

 

I hope you’re ready for some fun, because the perambulations of celestial bodies foretell one heck of a game today! 

 

[More cheering.]

 

Here they come, folks! The Red Line Yard Goats and the Boston Red Sox!

 

[Huge cheers.]

 

And now, joining the players on the field to throw out the first pitch—Mayor Emily Bespin!

 

[More cheers and applause. The applause is followed by an equally energetic series of boos.]

 

The mayor takes the mound! But she seems to be facing the wrong direction. I do believe that she may be about to… whoops… yes, she has just thrown the first pitch of the game to Yard Goats shortstop Eberhardt McGee. An interesting choice by the mayor. McGee appears confused, but is taking the odd turn in stride, tossing the ball to catcher Julius Masterson. Oh, and Mayor Bespin has already left the field! She must have a pressing appointment elsewhere.

 

Leon
Yes, she certainly does. And so do we.

 

Nichole

And there you have it, folks. Mayor Emily Bespin is on her way to testify against Nica Stamatis. For more on that story, we go now to your pal and mine, Chuck Octagon, reporting live from Red Line’s Open Air Court at Andrew Station. Chuck?

 

COURT TV

 

[Transition to the court. There is a murmur of hushed voices.]

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Chuck is excited to report live on-camera for the first time in months. He knows giving Nichole the limelight was the right decision. But he has missed it.

 

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason

Thank you, Nichole. Especially for the declaration that we have progressed to the “pals” stage of friendship. I understand “pals” to be a moderate, yet still meaningful degree of friendship, and am pleased that you perceive a shared rapport between us. However, I am reluctant to extend pal-ship to the entirety of our viewer base, as many of them are unknown to me at this time.

 

I’m Chuck Octagon of The Underground, and you’re watching: The Underground. I’m joined today by Underground writer and benefactor Michael Tate, along with independent-photographer-slash-private-investigator, Louisa Alvarez.

 

Louisa Alvarez—Julia Propp

I don’t understand why you’ve got me on camera. This really isn’t my thing.

 

Chuck
Because three people make a better panel discussion than two! Now, what should we be watching for today?

 

Michael Tate—James Oliva
Well, Chuck, Nica has been charged with over two dozen crimes, including multiple counts of domestic terrorism, espionage, and revealing classified municipal secrets. Nica maintains that The Lottery was a much larger conspiracy, and I happen to know that she’s telling the truth, but the court considers my witnessing of events via a city-wide surveillance network located atop an abandoned publishing office to be “outlandish” and “not a credible claim.” As to the espionage and related charges, Nica’s counselor, Omi Ogawa, is appealing to whistleblower statutes to defend Nica’s actions.

 

Chuck
And Louisa, what are your feelings on the proceedings at this juncture?

 

Louisa
It’s all bullshit ‘til Bespin’s prosecuted.

 

Chuck

Thank you for that perspective, Louisa! Ah, here is the bailiff now, escorting Nica Stamatis into the courtyard. The trial will begin immediately, though it seems that key witness Mayor Emily Bespin has yet to arrive. Judge Stone H. Anderson has just entered the courtyard.

 

Judge Stone Anderson—Todd Faulkner

Hello everyone, and welcome to my open-air courtyard. Hopefully it won’t rain today. Has the jury been sworn in?

 

Mark Wahlberg—Felix Trench [in a fake British accent]
We have, Your Honor.

 

Louisa

Uh… is the jury foreman British Mark Wahlberg?

 

Chuck

Yes, that does appear to be Boston-born Hollywood actor Mark Wahlberg, aka “Marky Mark,” formerly associated with “The Funky Bunch,” serving as jury foreman, while affecting an English accent.

 

Leon

Ugh, that fucking guy.

 

Louisa

Fuck that guy.

 

Michael
I agree, Louisa. Fuck Mark Wahlberg.

 

Chuck
Yes, fuck Mark Wahlberg, indeed.

 

Judge Anderson

The jury may be seated. All the rest of you too. Let’s get this thing rolling. [Bangs gavel.]

 

Interview Montage

 

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason

Have you ever had jury duty? 

 

Interview 2

Yes. 

 

Chuck

Were you on the jury? 

 

Interview 2

No. I really felt that I am not going to be fair because of the client. I had presumptions and I said that to the judge. I have already assumed things. So I don’t want to sit here. I want to serve as a juror, but this is my concern. And he said, no, you shouldn’t.

 

Interview 3

I’m always dismissed. 

 

Chuck

Really?

 

Interview 3

Yes. And I hate it. I just want to look at, like, caecasesss and be able to say, okay, I made some input on this case. Because I love, like, Law and Order stuff and everything, so I’m just like, “give me a chance, I want to be the jury! I’ll be the jury that knows it!” So they never select me to go fully in. 

 

Interview 4

I was about to, but it hit too close to home, so I declined it. He was like, “oh, this’ll be a good fit for you!” And I was… no, sorry. 

 

Interview 5

So I’ve served twice, and the first time I didn’t serve because it was a sex-offense case. And as soon as they see that I worked as a forensic psycholigist, that implies that I’m able to look at someone who may or may not be a sex offender and still see their humanity. And prosecutors hate that. 

 

Interview 6

I got called down to Braintree, and I was put on a jury. They were reviewing all the things, and so they made me come up to the judge, and the judge said, “hey, when it says is there any reason you should be disqualified, it says right here that you’re an atheist.” And I was like, “well, yeah! In the Maryland state constitution, it says that someone that doesn’t believe in God isn’t fit to be a juror.” And then he was like, “well, that’s, that’s not the case here.” And I was like, ugh, fine. 

 

Interview 5

And then the second time, so, my father died very sudden, and it was a huge shock. my brain was scrambled six ways from Sunday. And I had jury duty the next week. And so I’m thinking, you know what, I need to get out of the house. I’ll go. They’ll excuse me because, for one thing, still a forensic psychologist, and for another thing, y’know, I’m in bereavement right now, I’m sure if I just tell them they’ll send me home. And instead, they were like, “no, you’re good! You can have a seat on the jury!” When I was good and clear and solid they were like, “no, no no, we don’t want you on the jury.” But when my brain is singing the Meow Mix song, then they’re like, “yeah! We want you on the jury now!” 

 

A DOZEN PERTURBED RED LINEANS

 

[Zipper of a tent opening. Outdoor environment. A fly buzzing around.]

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner

In the jury deliberation tent, Mark Wahlberg has a job to do. Get twelve Red Line jurors to agree on a verdict on the guilt of Nica Stamatis.

 

Mark Wahlberg—Felix Trench

Okay, folks. Let’s start with a roll call vote to see where we all stand.

 

Leon

Wait… when are we? Is the trial over? Did we miss it?

 

Narrator

Mark Wahlberg called the jurors one by one. Juror 1: not guilty. Juror 2: not guilty. Jurors 3, 4, 5, 6, 7: Not guilty.

 

Juror 7—Graham Rowat

I hope we can wrap this up quickly. I’ve got tickets to the Yard Goats game!

 

Mark

I understand, but I hope you’ll agree that our civic responsibilities come first. Juror 8 is me, Mark Wahlberg, aka Marky Mark, formerly of The Funky Bunch. Juror 9?

 

Narrator

Not guilty. Jurors 10 and 11: Not guilty.

 

Mark
And Juror 12?

 

Juror 12—Cai Taylor

I vote no. Not guilty.

 

Juror 7

So that’s it. It’s unanimous. Perfect!

 

Leon

Thank god!

 

Narrator

Well, that’s that wrapped up nice and quick! I know, it probably seems a little weird that the whole trial ran the span of a couple of innings of the baseball game, but let’s just assume some… I dunno, time compression? Or maybe the trial’s already been running for a couple of days, and this was just the closing bit? Well, whatever, artistic license, don’t worry about it. Point is, the game’s not even in the third inning yet, so you can still catch most of it! Why don’t you go check on that? I’m sure someone must have a story for you. Like… Nichole…

 

Leon

No, I want to… Nichole waited by the fence…no that’s not where I…

 

Narrator
Valiance Johnson…

 

Leon

Valiance Johnson stepped up to the mound…

 

[Leon gets sucked out of the scene.]

 

Narrator

Excellent. Now, let’s move on…

 

Mark
Hold on there, Seven. I haven’t voted yet. I’m not sure I see things the same way as everyone else. We need to consider the evidence.

 

Juror 7

Oh, come on!

 

Juror 5—Cornelius Mohr

She was a patsy, yo! We gotta bring the mastermind up in here, not just the henchy.

 

Mark
Maybe so. But accomplicing a crime is still a crime. And she spied on the mayor! Remember the Mayor’s testimony:

 

[Rewind sound.]

 

Judge Anderson [recording] 

Mayor Bespin? Is Mayor Bespin in the court?

 

Emily Bespin—Sam Musher [on recording, distant]

Hold up, don’t start yet!

 

[Emily rushes gracelessly from the train to the witness stand.]

 

[nearer] Hey, Stone. Had a thing, but I’m here.

 

Judge Anderson [recording]

Mayor. Bespin, in this court, you will address me as either “Your Honor” or “Judge Anderson.” Not “hey, Stone.”

 

Emily [recording]
Yeah, nah. Where’s my seat? Nevermind, I see it.

 

[Clatter of Emily tromping into the witness seat and swinging the little door shut.]

 

Okay, here goes. Nica had access to my personal schedule, confidential files, everything. Right from day one, she funneled sensitive information to radical subversives. Worse, she manipulated me into revealing personal information to use against me by pretending to be my friend. She took advantage of my natural sensitivity and trusting nature. She made me feel foolish. Me! What greater crime is there than that?

 

Juror 10—Lowell Fleming

Nothing illegal about embarrassing a politician. Downright commendable, you ask me.

 

Juror 4—Clare Lopez

There’s nothing commendable about being a false friend.

 

Mark
I mean, that’s basically just bullying, right?

 

Juror 12—Cai Taylor

Nobody can bully the most powerful person in the city!

 

Mark

Rich people still have feelings, Twelve. They know the pain of betrayal. They’re people like you and me.

 

Juror 12

Like you, maybe.

 

Juror 4

Everyone needs friends. Even mayors.

 

Mark
Besides, most of the crimes took place before Bespin was mayor. We should talk about the Lottery terrorism.

 

Juror 1—Sawyer Greene

We’re not really calling a bunch of balloons “terrorism”, are we? They’re—they’re pranks at worst.

 

Mark

But what are “pranks” if not terrorism in the guise of comedy?

 

Juror 6—Cole Burkhardt

Yeah, that’s right! April first might as well be called “National Permissible Terrorism Day!”

 

Juror 7

Oh, Jesus, I’m missing the game for *this*?

 

Mark
No, sir, you’re missing the game for America!

 

Juror 11—Ray O’Hare

Well… just Red Line, I think.

 

Mark

You’re missing the game for the Red Line!

 

Juror 7

Whatever. I’ll check the score while you all keep doing whatever it is you’re doing.

 

VALIANCE PITCHES STRIKES

 

Thomas Thomas—Richard Penner [over loudspeaker]
Top of the second with a zero zero tie, two outs, and Mookie Betts stepping up to bat.

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Valiance Johnson stepped up to the mound. She felt good—she knew exactly what to do.

 

Valiance Johnson—Jordan Cobb
You’ve got this one. Mookie Betts. Lots of power, slow reflexes. Get the ball over the plate before he sees it coming.

 

Thomas [loudspeaker]She’s winding up… woah, what a fastball—Mookie Betts catches nothing but air! 

 

Valiance
Good. Okay, same again. Right over home plate. Not to the flipping shortstop.

 

Leon

This isn’t where I should be.

 

Thomas [loudspeaker]

Here’s the pitch… OH, that’s outside! Ball one!

 

Valiance
Dammit, Valiance, do better. Brain on the game. Nothing else matters.

 

Leon

No. This isn’t what matters.

 

Valiance

Don’t think about Bespin disrespecting the game. Don’t think about Bespin building your damn stadium. Strike this guy out. Fastball, faster ball, straight into the mitt.

 

Thomas [loudspeaker]
Here she goes… and that’s another strike! Mookie Betts didn’t even swing at that one! Blink and you miss it, folks! 

 

Valiance

Better. One more. Change it up. He knows his weakness, and he knows you’re using it.

 

Leon
My weakness. He’s using it.

 

Valiance
He expects the same again, and he’s ready for it. Don’t give it to him.

 

Leon

I need to get back to the trial. Back to…

 

[Trying to jump start a narration until one takes.]

 

Michael was… [STATIC] OW! Right. Can’t narrate Michael anymore.

 

Louisa felt a little guilty hoping that appearing at the trial would boost her fledgling business…

 

Omi looked over her notes, preparing for the next witness…

 

Thomas [loudspeaker]
Here’s the wind-up… the pitch… curveball, and Mookie Betts is nowhere near it! That’s strike three and third out for the Red Sox!

 

Leon

Chuck… Chuck waited for his cue…

 

COURT TV 2

 

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason

While the jury deliberates, let’s discuss some of the highlights from today’s testimony.

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

During the break, Chuck had checked the numbers. Viewership was way up. The trial was going to be great for The Underground.

 

Chuck

I think we can agree that Mayor Bespin’s own testimony was consistent with prior public statements:

 

Emily Bespin—Sam Musher

Nica Stamatis is a treacherous, traitorous, treasonous liar. She stabbed me in the back, and the front, and everywhere else. She’s just a stabby stabber who stabs people! Metaphorically. She stabs people with lies!

 

Leon

Fuck you, Emily. Wait. That part already happened, didn’t it? Emily isn’t here anymore. When… when is this?

 

Chuck

What did you make of Nica Stamatis’ reaction to the mayor’s testimony?

 

Michael Tate—James Oliva
She looked really sad. 

 

Leon
Oh…

 

Louisa Alvarez—Julia Propp

Nica’s an empathetic person. She wanted to stop Emily, but she didn’t intend to hurt her. She saw loneliness in the mayor, and her instinct was to be a friend. Sincerely. But that was the problem. You can’t be the person someone needs just because they need it. Eventually you have to go back to being you, and that leaves the other person feeling betrayed.

 

Leon
Thank you, Louisa. Thank you for seeing her.

 

[Rewind effect.]

 

Chuck

One of today’s big bombshells came from our own staffer, Freed Friend Poletti. Let’s go to the clip.

 

Freed Friend Poletti—James Capobianco [recording]

I’m very grateful to Nica. She enabled my saviors to rescue me from that malevolent villain’s secret laboratory. He had a crystal ball, and was trying to integrate a ghost into his network of cheese robots…

 

Omi Ogawa—Julia Morizawa [recording]
Yes, very good. We can discuss the nature of the experiments at another time. But can you confirm for the jury the identity of your captor?

 

Freed Friend [recording]
Yes. It was Ethan Bespin.

 

[Gasps in the courtyard. The judge bangs his gavel.]

 

Judge Stone Anderson—Todd Faulkner [recording]

Quiet! Quiet, please! This is a criminal trial, for heaven’s sake, people are going to be revealing some surprising things! If you insist on shocked gasps every time, we’ll be here all day!

 

Omi [recording]

Just to be clear—and please remember that you are under oath—are you saying that you were kidnapped, imprisoned, and tortured by the mayor’s husband?

 

Freed Friend [recording]
Yes, that’s correct.

 

Chucl
WOW. That’s a major blow to the prosecution’s case, but also to the Bespin administration itself. Louisa, go!

 

Louisa
Uh… yeah. Bespin abetted a literal kidnapping.

 

Michael

Honestly, it’s baffling that she indicted Nica. This information was bound to come out.

 

Leon
This is later. After the trial, but no verdict yet. I can get back to the jury…

 

Chuck

Baffling indeed! Follow-up question: Why didn’t anyone mention this when we hired Freed? This is certainly a story we should have covered!

 

Michael
Oh… um… that’s a good point.

 

Leon
Some of the jurors…

 

Louisa
I guess we were just… respecting his privacy?

 

Chuck

That’s reasonable!

 

A DOZEN PERTURBED RED LINEANS

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner
Some of the jurors are growing restless.

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Some of them are starting to resent the endless debate. Ah-ha! I’m back!

 

Narrator
Dammit!

 

Leon
What’s happened? What did I miss?

 

Narrator

Some jurors are more interested in the Yard Goats game.

 

Leon
Stop that!

 

Narrator
Juror 7, for instance, is listening to the game on his phone’s tiny speaker.

 

Thomas Thomas—Richard Penner [playing from cell phone speaker]

Heading into the bottom of the third, this has been one heck of a game for pitching enthusiasts! We’ve got the makings of a double no-hitter brewing!

 

Leon
Thomas Thomas wondered if either pitcher could keep it going to the end. NO. I’m staying here!

 

Thomas [cell phone speaker]

I’m sure the other players on both teams would enjoy an opportunity to join in the game!

 

Leon
Brian Brown was in the stands, cheering Valiance onnnNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG.

 

Juror 7—Graham Rowat

The score is still zero-zero, if anyone cares.

 

Narrator
Oh, for god’s sake, stop fighting it!

 

Juror 1—Sawyer Greene

Well, at least you’re missing a really boring game.

 

Juror 7

Are you kidding?! We could get a double no-hitter! DOUBLE! Don’t start in with that “oh, but nothing happens,” B-S. Great pitching happens! That’s the heart of baseball, right there. [Thumps chest.] The heart!

 

Leon
Bruce’s biggest concern was for Valiance herself. If she kept this up…

 

[Leon gets sucked from the scene.]

 

Narrator

There we go.

 

Mark Wahlberg—Felix Trench
Which witness should we discuss next?

 

Juror 2—Jordan Kalina

She helped rescue that guy with all the names. I mean, she’s basically a hero.

 

Mark

That’s an awfully implausible story, don’t you think? The mayor’s own husband kidnapped some New Age froot loop to run psychic experiments on him? But even if it’s true, committing a crime to stop a different crime is still a crime.

 

Juror 2

I… I guess so…

 

Juror 10—Lowell Fleming

No, sir. Not if she was exposing corruption and malfeasance within the halls of power! That, my friend, is the very definition of a whistleblower, just like that lawyer said:

 

[Rewind effect]

 

Omi Ogawa—Julia Morizawa [recording]The information I present to you today will be a defense of an individual. But this trial is about more than just Nica Stamatis. It is about power and responsibility, tyranny and oppression. I will defend my client, but in doing so, I will indict a government. People of the jury—over the course of this day, you will learn facts about your mayor and the forces controlling her that will shock you.

 

Emily Bespin—Sam Musher [recording]
Hey! Nobody controls me! I’m uncontrollable!

 

Judge Stone Anderson—Todd Faulkner [recording]

Mayor Bespin, please remember that court is in session, and try to refrain from any interruptions and outbursts.

 

Emily [recording]

Refrain your own outbursts, buddy-boy! You work for me, and don’t you dare forget it!

 

Juror 9—Tal Minear

I don’t think that’s how appointing a judge is supposed to work.

 

Mark

I don’t know about that, so let’s try to avoid speculating about systems we don’t have expertise in…

 

Juror 3—Leslie Gideon

What was the deal with that other guy? You know, the one who talked.

 

[Rewind effect.]

 

Omi [recording]

Can you please state your name for the record?

 

Marlo Beauchene—Mike Linden [recording]
Oh, sure, I can tell you my name. I ain’t got no problem sayin’ my name! It’s Marlo. Marlo Beauchêne. That’s a French name, ‘cuz my family came from France. Yeah. Normally, I don’t like tellin’ people, you know, how I’m French, ‘cuz folks got a whole thing about France. 

 

Mark
I don’t think much of anything that guy said was relevant.

 

Juror 3

Hang on. Not that part. The other thing he said.

 

Marlo [recording]

Oh, you must mean the stuff I said about job posting classifieds. It’s funny that we call them “classifieds,” isn’t it? If something’s classified, that means it’s a secret. But ads ain’t secrets. They’re like… the opposite of secrets! The whole point is you’re tellin’ everybody! But hardly anybody looks at the newspapers these days, so maybe the classifieds are kinda secret now. I still get one every morning. But I don’t really use those classifieds no more. Now it’s all on Craigslist. I dunno who Craig is. 

 

Announcer/Juror 3

No, that’s not it…

 

Marlo [recording]

Oh, maybe you wanted to hear about my pal, Guy? I call him “my pal,” but really, I think maybe he didn’t like me so much. He was kinda gruff. Like, scary even. I think maybe he killed people. Yeah, I didn’t ask no questions, though, cuz that was his rule. “No questions.” No lots of stuff, but when a fella says “no questions,” lots of times, that means he kills people. But I liked him. Underneath it all, I think he was a softie. Just lonely for a truck is all.

 

Mark
Oh, the mysterious “Guy,” with no last name, and not even a real first name.

 

Juror 11—Ray O’Hare

Actually, “Guy” used to be a common name. In fact, it’s an eponym, named for…

 

Juror 3

Close! It was the next part, about who Guy worked for.

 

Marlo [recording]

Oh, no, you mean Phil! Yeah, I only talked to him the one time, when he hired me for a thing after Guy retired. Yeah, made me watch a buncha strangers play chess. I was supposed to wait for someone, but she never showed, and then I got arrested. Oh, I still don’t really know what that was about, but they let me out again, so I guess it’s okay.

 

Juror 3

Right, that! He was working for Philip West. And so was that Guy guy.

 

Mark

We’re supposed to believe this mysterious boogeyman really worked for Philip West?

 

Juror 2

Not just him. The Singing Telegram guy, too!

 

Juror 6—Cole Burkhardt

Terrorism!

 

[Rewind effect.]

 

Omi [recording]

Please look at this sheet of paper and tell me if these are the same lyrics given to you for the tea balloon incident.

 

Wendell Jorgenson—Mike Linden [recording]

Yes, those are the same lyrics. It was very difficult to find a suitable rhythm for singing them.

 

Omi [recording]

Let the record show that the lyrics Mr. Jorgenson has identified are written in Mr. West’s handwriting on a sheet of paper that was found in Philip West’s trash.

 

Juror 5—Cornelius Mohr

Right! I told you, Nica’s a patsy! We gotta talk about the mastermind: Philip West!

 

Narrator [bursts out laughing]

OH MY GOD! Philip West as the mastermind! Can you even imagine?

 

Mark

[Heavy sigh.] Okay, fine. Let’s talk about Philip West.

 

VALIANCE MEETS NICHOLE

 

Thomas Tomas—Richard Penner [loudspeaker]
As we head into the bottom of the sixth, the story of the day is Valiance Johnson. Many doubted Coach Bosley’s decision to recruit a female pitcher, including Mayor Bespin herself, who commented, quote: “That can’t be true. Girls don’t play sports.” But Johnson is certainly proving the mayor wrong today. Just as the celestial bodies predicted she would!

 

[In the dugout.]

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

At this point, Bruce’s biggest concern was for Valiance herself. If she kept this up…

 

Bruce Bosley—Kenny Fuentes

Valiance! Damn fine game out there. Damn fine! But…

 

Leon

Valiance knew what he was about to say.

 

Valiance Johnson—Jordan Cobb

That I’m going too hard too early. I could blow my shoulder out before we even play a game that counts.

 

Leon
Goddammit! I need to get back!

 

Valiance
Don’t worry, I hit my goal: keep them off base for the first three innings, just long enough to make a point. The fourth and fifth were a bonus. Trevor Story will get a hit off me, no question. After that… we’ll see. I won’t run myself down for a no-hitter, but I’m not giving up while it still feels this good.

 

Bruce
Well… okay then. Sounds like a plan, though I’d have liked to know the plan before the game started. Anyways, there’s a reporter asking to interview you. Usually, I tell ‘em to pound sand until after the game, but I think you’ll like this one. Yo! Ms. Fonzerelli! Yeah, come on over!

 

[Nichole approaches.]

 

Leon
Good. A link back.

 

Nichole Fonzarelli—Kristin DiMercurio
Ms. Johnson, what an amazing game! Nobody could have predicted what you’ve done today.

 

Valiance

All due respect, Ms. Fonzerelli, but I did predict it. I know what I’m capable of. Those boys out there are overconfident. They ran second-stringers first. And I get it, they want to give everyone a chance to play some ball while the stakes are low. But they thought we’d be easy. I won’t let them go home thinking they were right. I don’t expect we’ll win. They’re the mother-loving Red Sox, for sugar’s sake. But I’ll make damn sure they need to bring out their heavy-hitters to beat us.

 

Now, I need to get back to my game, but there’s still a lot I’d like to say. And I don’t mean about baseball. You know how someone’s been vandalizing Red Line cars, calling for free transit?

 

Nichole

Wasn’t that a promotional thing by the city? To get people out to the game?

 

Valiance

That’s what they turned it into, but only to distract from the message.

 

Nichole

How do you know?

 

Valiance

Because I’m the one who’s been doing it. And I would love to tell you all about it, but how about we schedule for a time when I’m not at work?

 

COURT TV

 

Louisa Alvarez—Julia Propp

Phil, you motherfucker…

 

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason

Woah, let’s please remember network standards, Louisa!

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

I’m back. Good.

 

Louisa
What network? We’re a pirate broadcast. We can say whatever the fuck we want.

 

Chuck

I… I suppose that’s true! How liberating!

 

MICHAEL

You said “Fuck Mark Wahlberg” twenty minutes ago!

 

Chuck

Yes, but that’s always appropriate! Now, let’s look at Philip West’s testimony.

 

[Rewind effect.]

 

Omi Ogawa—Julia Morizawa
Please tell the court how long you were a member of the RLPD prior to arresting Nica Stamatis.

 

Leon
What is this? A flashback…?

 

Philip West—Michael Melia [recording]
About a half hour, I guess? Maybe forty-five minutes. They just handed me a gun and told me to arrest her. I’ve never even fired a gun. It’s okay, though; it’s barely loaded.

 

Leon

And yet… I wonder… could I…?

 

Omi [recording]

Wow. Okay. Who hired you?

 

[There is a sound of Leon pushing into the past—into the recording of earlier events.]

 

Phil [recording]

Emily Bespin.

 

Omi [recording]

Personally?

 

[Leon strains.]

 

Phil [recording]

Yup.

 

Omi recording]
Why?

 

[Leon breaks through. A slow, distorted music plays, accompanying Leon in the flashback.]

 

Leon [in flashback]

Phil had instructions. He knew what he was supposed to say.

 

Phil [recording]

Uh… I’m supposed to say that it was based on my skills and qualifications.

 

Leon [recording]

It worked!

 

Omi [recording]
And is that the truth?

 

Leon [recording]
It was not.

 

Phil [recording]

Oh, God no! I’m a total fuck-up. Everyone knows that.

 

[Music cuts.]

 

Chuck
Fuck-up: Noun. A person of poor judgment who routinely fails, or engages in plainly foolish endeavors. Not to be confused with a person whose sexual technique…

 

Michael
Ooookay, Chuck, the audience gets it. 

 

Chuck

Fair enough! Now: implications! Michael?

 

Michael

Uh… Bespin sucks?

 

Chuck

Indeed. As we see in our next clip!

 

[Flashback music resumes. ]

 

Omi [recording]

On the morning of the Ocdebacle, you were in the subway tunnels. Why?

 

Leon [recording]

Phil looked around the courtyard, at all the people looking at him. Nica. Michael. Louisa. People he’d hurt. People he was supposed to hurt again. But what could he do? He had his instructions.

 

Phil [recording]
I’m not supposed to say.

 

Omi [recording]
You are very much supposed to say, unless you’re exercising your Fifth Amendment rights.

 

Leon [recording]

That’s what Oliver had coached him to do. Those were his instructions. And yet… here, now, in this moment… he couldn’t help wondering:

 

Phil [recording]

Do I have to?

 

Omi [recording]

Uh… no, not if you don’t want to. You always have the right to waive your rights.

 

Leon [recording]

He always had the right to waive his rights. Like he’d waived his right to choose his own path. The right to make his own decisions.

 

Phil [recording]

That’s what I want.

 

Judge Stone Anderson—Todd Faulkner [recording]

Mr. West. Let me be very clear about the decision you’re making, especially in light of your admitted reputation for being “a total fuck-up.” If you waive your Fifth Amendment rights, you must answer every question fully and truthfully, including disclosing your own criminal activities, for which you may be prosecuted. Do you understand?

 

Phil [recording]

What if I have an immunity agreement with the city?

 

Judge Anderson [recording]

Do you have an immunity agreement with the city?

 

Phil [recording]
I’m not supposed to say.

 

Judge Anderson [simultaneously, on recording]

…not supposed to say, of course. I also can’t say, since I don’t know the conditions that would breach it. With that in mind, do you choose to waive your Fifth Amendment rights?

 

Emily Bespin—Sam Musher [recording]
No, he… he doesn’t!

 

Leon [gradually fading back to reality]
Michael was in the back of the court, watching him. The man Phil had almost killed, fuck-up of all fuck-ups. But that one man looked at him with an expression Phil barely understood. It was some kind of… hope. It was a look that said… “I’m rooting for you.” But why?

 

And there was Louisa, frozen in a rage like Phil had never seen. But then Michael turned to Louisa, leaned in and said something to her. Just a few words. Her rage broke. The ice left her body. She found somewhere else to look besides Phil.

 

As he’d done so many times since he received Michael’s letter, Phil asked himself what he’d taken from Louisa. And he realized something new. Something even Michael hadn’t seen, despite understanding it better than anyone. He’d said in his letter: the one thing Michael could never forgive was that Phil had hurt Louisa.

 

Michael was Louisa’s friend. Her real friend. Phil had taken him from her. He’d taken her friend and locked him away, and left her alone with every reason to think her friend was gone forever.

 

She would never forgive him for what he’d done to Michael. Probably she never would have forgiven him anyway. But now? Nothing Phil ever did would change the way Louisa saw him. But Michael had offered him forgiveness, even though he was still waiting for Phil to earn it.

 

So what would that better Phil, the Phil that Phil wanted to be, the Phil that Michael was rooting for… what would that Phil do?

 

Phil
[Long pause.]

 

I waive my Fifth Amendment rights.

 

Emily
WHAT? What are you doing??

 

[A dramatic sound as The Narrator is sucked into the recording.]

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner

What’s happening?

 

Phil
I waive my rights. That’s what this is all about though, huh? Rights and wrongs. I’ve done a lot of wrongs. Framing Isaiah Powell. Lying to Louisa. Becoming a cop. Nica tried to take the bean cannon down. She wanted to call it off. But my uncle said keep going. So I lied. I told Nica the Lottery was over. It wasn’t Nica’s fault. It was mine.

 

But that’s part of my deal with Emily. I’m off the hook for the Lottery, so long as I blame Nica. And for some reason, I have to be a cop. My uncle told me to take Emily’s offer, and I always do what my uncle tells me. Or… I guess I did. Until now. Sorry, Uncle Ollie.

 

Narrator

That’s not right. He didn’t say any of that!

 

Leon
He hadn’t. But now he has.

 

Omi

Mr West… did Mayor Bespin know that the Lottery was conceived and overseen by Oliver West?

 

Phil
Well, yeah. She worked with my uncle. I was at the Council of Evil meeting after the election. Me and my uncle. Emily and her husband. And that other guy in the trench coat. I don’t really know who he was. Seemed pretty evil, though. The whole point was to get the city scared enough to vote for her.

 

[Uproar in the courtyard.]

 

Narrator

But we’re past all this! I was already with the jury…

 

Leon
We’re past the event. We’re not past the flashback. Nothing has happened until we reveal what happened. That’s how narrative works.

 

[Music cuts.]

 

Chuck
Louisa, you investigated potential ties between the Bespin campaign and the mastermind of the Lottery. Were there any surprises for you in Philip West’s statements?

 

Louisa
Honestly, the biggest surprise was just that dipshit Phil actually rolled on his uncle. Well… not “dipshit.” We all know a much nicer guy who used to be named Dipshit, and I wouldn’t want to associate him with Fuck-Up Phil. I did enjoy the mayor’s reaction.

 

Chuck
Yes! Let’s take a look:

 

[Flashback music resumes.]

 

Emily

Phil, you motherfucker! I mean… stop lying! That’s all lies!

 

Judge Anderson
Mayor Bespin, sit down and keep quiet, or I will have you removed from this court!

 

Emily
You can’t…

 

Judge Anderson
I can, and I wil,l and by God and his grace, I damn well mean it! SIT. DOWN.

 

Emily [muttering petulantly to self]

Can’t talk to me that way, I’m the fucking mayor. We’ll see how you talk to me when I’m firing your ass…

 

[Music cuts.]

 

Chuck
Hahaha, yes, that was very satisfying, especially now that I know to blame her for bean-spraying my wedding!

 

Louisa

She’s the worst.

 

Chuck
We still haven’t discussed the moment some have dubbed “The Miracle of Fuck Ups.”

 

[Flashback music resumes.]

 

Narrator

What does that even mean? What are they talking about?

 

Leon
I don’t know. We’re past my influence now. We’re just following the repercussions.

 

Omi

After Wonderland proved a boondoggle, the Bespins sold it to a nesting doll of shell companies, at the center of which was a name: Clive Orville Numpty. Clive Orville Numpty was the birth name of your uncle, Oliver West. Which means your uncle owned Wonderland at the time of his death. He left it to you.

 

Phil

Yeah. I’m supposed to give it to the Bespins. That’s the other part of my deal. Wait… if my uncle’s name was “Numpty,” does that mean my dad’s was, too? Fuck, is my real name “Numpty”?

 

Omi
What happens when you give them the park?

 

Phil
Uh… probably, they evict everyone who’s living there. So… I mean… I know I’m one of the bad guys. I never meant to be, but… you know. Facts are facts. But there’s only so bad I’m willing to be. I’m bad, but it doesn’t mean I have to be evil, right? I don’t want to be evil. I… I really don’t want to be evil… okay, so you’re a lawyer, right?

 

Omi
Yes, I think we’ve established that.

 

Phil
And we’re in a court, and this guy here is a judge!

 

Judge Anderson
Yes, “this guy” is indeed a judge, Mr. West. Can you find your way to a point?

 

[Phil pulls out a sheet of paper.]

 

Phil
So, if I sign this—here, in the court, in front of everyone—and you witness it, and this guy witnesses it, then that’s it! No backsies! I’m signing it!

 

[He does.]

 

Here, take it! Sign it. Please.

 

[Omi takes a moment to skim the document.]

 

Narrator

What is that?

 

Judge Anderson

Ms. Ogawa? What are we looking at here?

 

Omi
Are you sure about this, Phil? If I understand your immunity agreement as you’ve described it… once we do this, you’re completely exposed. You could go to jail.

 

Emily
Wait…

 

Narrator

What is it??

 

Phil
I know. It’s okay. I mean, I’ll still try to run, obviously. But even jail would be better than what they want me to do. Please. Please sign it.

 

Emily

What is it? What are you signing?

 

Omi
Give me your pen.

 

[She signs it.]

 

Emily
No! Don’t sign anything! What are you signing??

 

Judge Anderson
Ms. Ogawa. Would you please explain to the court the mysterious event that has just transpired?

 

Omi

He’s given it away, your honor. He signed ownership of Wonderland over to all the people currently squatting there!

 

[The court erupts in a mix of gasps and cheers.]

 

Emily

WHAT?!?! Phil, you little shit! I’ll kill you! That wasn’t yours! You can’t do that! It belongs to Ethan! It’s for my strawberry-frosted pop tart! It’s for my almond-crusted florentine cannoli, my apple brown betty, my creme brulee, my caramel flan, my vanilla-custard spotted dick!

 

[Music cuts.]

 

Chuck
Spotted dick: noun. A traditional British dessert, typically topped with custard, and so named for the “spots” of dried fruit within the baked pudding. Sometimes sold in cans, much like Massachusetts staple canned brown bread.

 

[Flashback music resumes.]

 

Judge Anderson

Enough! Bailiff! Please remove the mayor from my courtyard!

 

Emily [fading as she’s dragged away]

No! You can’t! It’s mine! It’s my courtyard, my station, my city! Let go of me! Don’t you know who I am? You’re a dead man, Phil, you hear me?! DEAD!

 

Narrator
But… he had that with him? Why would he have that!?

 

Leon
Just in case he found the courage to use it.

 

Narrator

But Phil doesn’t do this kind of thing! You can’t just make him do things!

 

Leon

I didn’t make him do anything. I just reminded him about Michael’s letter.

 

Narrator

What letter? How are you doing any of this?

 

Leon

I know your weaknesses. And I’m using them.

 

Narrator
I don’t have weaknesses!

 

Leon

There’s one of them now.

 

Narrator

Fine. Whatever. We haven’t reached the end of this yet.

 

[Narrator exits.]

 

[Leon lets go of his tension with a long, winded moan. Narrating a flashback has been exhausting.]

 

Leon

That was… whew. That was hard. But… I have to get back…

 

[Leon strains.]

 

Leon [thoroughly winded]

Can’t… can’t make that transition again. So tired… I’ll have to wait for the story to come back around…

 

[Music fades.]

 

12 PERTURBED RED LINEANS

Narrator—Alexander Danner

Back in the jury tent, Mark Wahlberg, aka Marky Mark, formerly of The Funky Bunch, was making progress. Surely, the jurors must all agree by now.

 

Mark Wahlberg—Felix Trench

Show of hands. After further review of the evidence, who feels ready to find Nica Stamatis guilty? Oh. Huh. Half-ish, I guess? This sucks.

 

Narrator
Philip West had been too much. His self-sacrifice tugged too hard at their heartstrings. Goddammit, Leon. I had this. It was done. But it’s fine. Mark Wahlberg just needs a new tactic.

 

Mark

What if I give you all tickets to an advance screening for my next movie? Hey, don’t put your hand back down! Come on! Look, uh… I’ll toss in a potted plant from the set of The Happening? No?

 

Narrator

Fucking hell, Mark Wahlberg, come on! No… calm down. Okay. [Clears throat.] Mark Wahlberg realized that it would take more than petty bribery. These people want to do the right thing. He needs to appeal to their hearts and minds and sense of patriotism. This is his movie moment! Time for the hero to rally the troops, lift their eyes to heaven and fill them with fire!

 

It’s time for an inspiring speech!

 

[Dramatic drum music.]

 

Mark

My friends… we’ve learned a lot about our city today. How our leaders came to power, how fragile our sense of home can be. But one thing hasn’t changed. Red Line is our city. It’s not Emily Bespin’s city, and it sure as hell isn’t Nica Stamatis’ city when she’s never lived here a day in her life.

 

Juror 11—Ray O’Hare

Well, technically, the time she’s been held at Shawmut Station…

 

Mark

Shut up, Juror 11. I’m inspiring you. Don’t interrupt.

 

Juror 11
Sorry, sorry…

 

Mark
Where was I? Right. Red Line is our city. We live here! Well… okay, for some of us it’s more a tax thing than a residence thing, but that’s not what’s important! We’re citizens. We’re the people entrusted with the awesome duty of keeping our neighbors and our neighborhoods safe through the responsible execution or our juratorial powers. We’re here to judge Nica Stamatis’ actions. Not her sympathetic backstory, or her relatable mental health challenges, or her noble attempts at redemption. No, just her actions, and the consequence of those actions, and the message we’ll send to other Nica Stamatises—Stamati?-—he other Nicas of the world if we say “It’s okay, Nica Stamatis. We’ll let it go this time, since we like you, and we feel bad, and other people were even worse.”

 

If we don’t condemn her actions, then we’re giving permission to everyone who feels unfairly ignored or mistreated to do whatever they like. To cease the movement of our whole city so they can cry “Look at me! Look at my pain! Isn’t my pain so much more important than yours?”

 

How many missed hours or days of work because of her interference with the commuter trains? How many were injured by baked beans or molasses or tea leaves? How many had to walk through dark, rat-infested subway tunnels because their train just stopped, and there was no other way out?

 

Maybe she truly has given up her supervillainous scheming. Maybe she’ll never do these things again. But someone will. If we don’t stand up tall and shout, “NO, Nica Stamatis! It’s NOT okay!” then we may as well hand out barrels of molasses ourselves. Do you want to live under the flowing shadow of a baked bean tsunami, Juror 12? Do you, Juror 7? Does your family? Do your neighbors? I don’t think you do. I know that I don’t. And when I walk out of this makeshift tent in a train station parking lot, I want to look my hypothetical neighbor in the eye and tell him “I made sure that you won’t have to.”

 

So. What about the rest of you? When you go home and see your wives and husbands and neighbors, what do you want to tell them?

 

Let’s vote.

 

COURT TV

 

[A soft murmur throughout the courtyard. A soft whoosh as Leon appears.]

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb
Judge Anderson picked up his gavel, ready to bring court back into session.

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner
Welcome back.

 

Leon

Is this…

 

Narrator

The present moment? Yes. Came back around the long way, did you?

 

Leon
Don’t even think of…

 

Narrator

No, no, no, it’s fine. We’re about to wrap things up.

 

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason

The jury is returning to the courtyard. How would you describe Stamatis’ demeanor as she awaits her verdict?

 

Louisa Alvarez—Julia Propp

I wouldn’t say Nica looks nervous. But she definitely doesn’t look confident, either.

 

Michael Tate—James Oliva

She looks resigned.

 

Narrator
She is. She has been for a long time. She always knew where this was going. She knew she would get what she deserved.

 

Judge Stone Anderson—Todd Faulkner

Has the jury reached a verdict?

 

Narrator
Guilty.

 

Mark Wahlberg—Felix Trench

We have, your honor.

 

Narrator
Guilty!

 

Leon
Stop that.

 

Judge Anderson

The defendant will rise.

 

Narrator
GUILTY!!

 

Judge Anderson

Mr. Foreman, what’s the word from the jury?

 

Leon
Please, please, please…

 

Mark

The word is “guilty,” your honor. On all counts.

 

Leon
No!

 

Emily Bespin—Sam Musher [far away]

Fuck, yes!

 

Narrator
Ha-ha, yes, very good!

 

Michael
Damn.

 

Louisa

Agh, this sucks, but we knew it was coming.

 

[Nica laughs.]

 

Chuck
Stamatis is nodding—I think the verdict confirmed what she already expected. Wait… is she laughing?

 

Leon
Omi saw Nica’s laugh and understood it. She’d seen it so many times before. Not a mirthful laugh, but not bitter, either. Just relief. Not at the outcome, but for simply having an outcome. The waiting was a burden. A limbo of… of uncertainty. 

 

Chuck
Ms. Ogawa! Will Nica Stamatis make a statement to the press?

 

Omi Ogawa—Julia Morizawa
Not today, Chuck. She needs some time to process the jury’s verdict and her next course of action.

 

Michael

Tell her Louisa and I will come see her as soon as we can.

 

Omi
I will. But you should give her some time. I know it looks like she’s taking it well, but…

 

Louisa
Tomorrow, then. We’ll be there.

 

Omi

Good. She needs friends.

 

[Fade out.]

 

[Theme plays.]

 

Narrator

Greater Boston is created by…

 

THAT’S THE BALLGAME

 

[Music cuts.]

 

[Jury deliberation tent environment.]

 

Juror 7—Graham Rowat

Damn, the game must be over by now.

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner

Oh, not done yet? Woof, this is a long one. Okay.

 

Juror 7

Well, let’s see how it turned out.

 

[Plays radio commentary from his phone.]

 

Thomas Thomas—Richard Penner

I can’t believe it! I can’t believe it! It may not have been a no-hitter, folks, but rookie pitcher Valiance Johnson has pitched a near-perfect game, and we have seen an incredible shutout here today. With a final score of 1-0, the Red Line Yard Goats have defeated the Boston Red Sox! The Yard Goats have won the game!

 

Juror 7

What! They won?!? I coulda been there, goddammit! The Yard Goats beat the Red Sox, and I missed the whole damn game! Ugh. What a thing. What a fuckin’ thing.

 

Narrator

Greater Boston is…

 

FUCK THAT GUY

[The mayor’s office in Red Line.]

 

Emily Bespin—Sam Musher

That was a disaster! An absolute trainwreck

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner

Woah, STILL going?! Fine. One more scene. Christ, this is the third time this episode is ending. Euch. Who wrote this thing? Anyway.

 

Emily

That was a disaster! An absolute trainwreck.

 

Lawyer—Rick Zieff

That’s probably not the best phrasing, but that’s neither here nor there. The important thing is you still have the full support of Legion behind you!

 

Emily

Why didn’t you tell me it would go like that?

 

Lawyer
Oh, I couldn’t have known. Knowing things isn’t really my thing.

 

Emily

You’re the lawyer!

 

Lawyer

As I’ve explained on twenty-seven previous occasions, my name is Lawyer. My profession is providing enthusiastic encouragement for all your worst ideas. I’m a certified class-A Yes Man. 

 

[Footsteps approach.]

 

Mark Wahlberg—Felix Trench
Knock knock.

 

Emily

Mark Wahlberg, come in. That was good work. I’m glad at least one person still remembers who they work for. But what’s with the accent? Is it for a role?

 

Mark
Nah, it’s just something I’m trying out. But about our deal…?

 

Emily

Yeah, yeah, don’t worry. You’ll have a liquor license for your restaurant by morning.

 

Mark [musically]SUHWEEEEEEET!

 

CREDITS

 

[Music.]

 

Narrator

Okay, for real this time! Greater Boston is created by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with help from T.H. Ponders, Bob Raymonda, and Jordan Stillman. Recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

 

This episode was written and sound designed by Alexander Danner.

 

Oh, right, that guy. [Blows raspberry.]

 

Dialogue editing by Bob Raymonda.

 

Portions of this episode were recorded at The Bridge Sound and Stage with recording engineers Javier Lom and Alex Alinson.

 

You can support Greater Boston on Patreon at Patreon.com/Greater Boston.

 

Greater Boston is a ThirdSight Media Production.

 

Cookie

 

Julia Propp

Pirate network! Gonna say that! We’re a pirate network! We’re a pirate broadcast! We go to Arrrby’s! 

 

Jeff Van Dreason

Argh! Yeah, sure!

[Laughter.]

 

They have the meats! Argh!!

 

Julia 

Alright!

Jeff

Back to the steak!

 

Alexander Danner

Tanja Milojevich as Jordan— [laughter] No. Not Tanja Milojevich as Jordan Stillman. That would be weird. Tanja Milojevich as— [laughter.] I almost did it again. 

 

Kristen DiMercurio

Wait, this line says Kristin. Is that me? I’m gonna read it. Just in case. I don’t know if there’s a character named Kristen—I’m pretty sure there’s not?—I’m just going to read it. 

 

Alexander

Oh, boy. [Laughter.] What’s in the box? [Laughter.] Morgan Freeman, tell me!

 

Jeff

Now, let’s look at Philip West’s testimony. “Philip West’s testimony” is tough.

 

Alexander [in background]

Yeah, sorry. 

 

Jeff

That’s alright. 

 

Alexander

Um. 

 

Jeff

I’m amazed I haven’t, like, broken saying it yet. 

 

Alexander

Philip’s westimony. 

 

[Laughter.]

 

Jeff

YES! Yes, I do!