Episode 48: Hey, That's Our Theme Song!

INT: What makes you feel most like your real or best self?

 

Interview 1

I love being of service to others. I realized that’s my love language. It’s really the impact that we have on other people that makes our lives really rewarding. And so I’m one of those people. 

 

[“Charlie on the MBTA” starts playing.]

 

If you look lost in the city, I’m gonna try my best to give you directions. Like, I want to assist you. I want to make the experience amazing. I want you to not feel lost, or confused, and—but feel informed and ready. You know? 

 

PREVIOUSLY IN GREATER BOSTON

 

Dimitri Stamatis—James Johnston

That’s my brother. Have you had him with you the whole time? 

 

Gemma Linzer-Coolidge—Lydia Anderson

Yes.

 

Dimitri

Let me talk to him. Now. 

 

Gemma

You don’t want to do this right now. Not while you’re so angry. 

 

Mallory—Johanna Bodnyk

Come on, buddy. Let’s go hunt some rats. 

 

Philip West—Michael Melia

Where does this leave me, exactly? 

 

Isaiah Powell—Mario da Rosa Jr

I’ll help him pack up and sneak him out of town. Away from Emily, where he can be safe. 

 

Engineer—Rick Zieff

We own many amusement parks. It’s likely you could end up with Wonderland, but we at Legion, we favor contingency plans. 

 

Various speakers 

This is… 

This is… 

This is… 

 

This week in Greater Boston, episode forty-eight: Hey, That’s Our Theme Song! 

 

PHANTASMIMESIS

 

[Ethan’s lab. Tinkering noises.]

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner
Ethan Bespin was hard at work. That hardly needs to be said, now, does it? Ethan Bespin is always hard at work. But never before has he had a project of this scale to throw himself into. Even the animatronics of his reimagined Wonderland were a humbler endeavor than the robiticization of an entire transit system/municipality. Not to suggest that Red Line would ever replace Wonderland in Ethan’s heart. But Wonderland was lost, while Red Line was an extraordinary professional achievement. It was exactly the kind of success that opened doors to new possibilities, new opportunities.

 

Ethan Bespin—Jordan Higgs
A city first to make my name renowned, for fame ensnares a crowd like fish in ice. I’ll squeeze the fish—the bones will feed my friends. 

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb/Cheesebot
Edelpilzkäse.

 

Ethan
Well said. Commerce fuels the factory. If not Wonderland, then some-land else.

 

[Oliver enters down the hall. Careful, tentative footsteps approach.]

 

Leon
Please stand back from the doors—OLIVER CAUTIOUSLY ENTERS ETHAN’S—next stop—finely grated parmesan—vanished in a subway tunnel 

 

Oliver West—Mike Linden
Hello? What the blazes… If the bodies strewn about this place weren’t so clearly more cheese robots, this scene would be deeply distressing—rather than just moderately distressing. Where is that dingbat engineer amidst all these… things?

 

Ethan [to himself]
A fish unfit for school should be expelled, but Oliver will gladly wear the cap. When grades are curved, he still can’t ring the bell. And yet, he grasps the worm of my desire. A nibble taunts—to swim or bite the hook? But having bit, I’d drag him out to sea.

 

Oliver

Hello? Ethan? 

 

Ethan [to himself]

I’d love to watch him drown.

 

Narrator
Ethan had a dozen or more projects in progress simultaneously, each ready for him to resume on a moment’s whim. There were machines everywhere, tools lain carelessly atop workbenches, protruding from overstuffed toolboxes, lying on the floor even. Some of those tools were quite sharp—was it too much to hope that the erstwhile publisher might trip and skewer himself, thus removing himself from Ethan’s list of ongoing irritants?

 

Oliver
Are you here? Ah! I didn’t see you down behind that large, ah… is that gouda?

 

Cheesebot/Leon
Gouda: Dutch origin. A creamy yellow cow’s-milk cheese.

 

Leon
OLIVER PAUSED—now approaching Andrew Station—EXPECTING SOME RESPONSE—Pizza Ghost delivers.

 

Narrator
No response was needed. Ethan was satisfied that the cheesebot had spoken for him.

 

Oliver
Yes. I’ve come to tell you about some recent… well… I don’t suppose you’ve been following the news lately? About the trial?

 

Cheesebot/Leon
Red Line Open Air Court Yard at Andrew Station. Trial of Nica Stamatis concluded. Verdict: Guilty.

 

Leon
Dammit!

 

Cheesebot
Dammit!

 

Oliver
Oh. Uh… your robot seems to have…

 

Ethan
A positronic rind of prior mind—I need the brain but still must pluck the pith.

 

Oliver

That sounds unpleasant.

 

Ethan

I’ll have it clean soon enough—with tweezers, if necessary.

 

Leon
YOU—courtyard verdict courtyard Red Line—CAN’T JUST—cow’s milk verdict guilty—PEEL MY MIND FROM MY BRAIN—verdict guilty—THEY’RE THE SAME THING…

 

Oliver
Prior mind? I don’t understand. Didn’t you build the robots’ mind yourself?

 

Ethan
The innovator’s inspiration eats, digests, and synthesizes—thus he builds. Biomimetic tech is done to death; phantasmimetic tech is death undone. Imagine Wonderland reborn with spectral cheese savants ensnared to power bots! But trains will do until the corpus yields.

 

Leon
THE JARGON OF PHANTASMIMESIS—next stop blue box—OLIVER DON’T LET THIS GO —ome Go-Gurt beggars can’t be choosers—PENETRATE ETHAN’S SYNTACTIC OBFUSCATION—

 

Leon/Cheesebot

And then he got there.

 

Oliver
Oh dear god! Are you suggesting that your robots are harnessing the mind of… of a ghost?! But… how on Earth…. oh. Oh no. The crystal ball.

 

Cheesebot/Leon
Ada’s favorite is the blue box, but he knows you don’t like it.

 

Ethan
Don’t mind the glitch. Every prototype shows its youth.

 

Oliver
Leon Stamatis. You have the spirit of Leon Stamatis entwined in the brains of your cockamamie cheese people. But… WHY?

 

Ethan
Affinity for trains, affinity for clocks, a mind well-trained for scheduling. The man, half-bot, was built for plug and play! A destiny writ in the genes shone through!

 

Cheesebot/Leon
I am not a robot!

 

Oliver
However rigid the man may have been in his personal habits, he was most certainly not a robot. What if he resists? Have you considered the risks?

 

Ethan

I hold his leash. He can pull as he likes, but he’ll never get farther than I allow.

 

Oliver
He died of terror—a terror of speed and movement and chaos. And that’s who you have embodying an entire network of trains? 

 

Ethan
And still the fish attempts to train the shark. The litany of “nope” presages threats—delete the nopes and chaos is curtailed.

 

Oliver
But…

 

Ethan

Tell me what you came to say, then leave.

 

Oliver
I’m afraid there’s been a… well, something of a setback. Regarding… Wonderland.

 

Ethan
A dream purloined with bait and switch is sunk. Another shore awaits my priceless gifts. I’ll take New York on Legion’s dime and thrive—they’ve gifted me the Coney Island park! The deed is done, indeed, the deed is signed.

 

Oliver
You’re leaving? You can’t leave! My whole arrangement rests on…

 

Ethan

That statement can’t possibly find purchase on any mountain I care to climb.

 

Oliver

Yes… an excess of empathy is certainly not among your failings.

 

Ethan
Nor yours, unless you aim to disappoint.

 

Oliver

But… didn’t you just say that the only thing keeping the cheese robots from imploding was your own intervention?

 

Ethan

I’ll cut my bait before that fish is flayed, and hoist my sail with cheesebot version 2. But that is not for you or her or here or now. That reaped reward will feed my Coney Isle.

 

I’m done talking to you. Get out.

 

GREEN LINE EXCURSION

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

…with Dimitri, investigating—MALLORY WAS BACK DOWN IN THE TUNNELS—stand back from the doors—SHE’D STARTED AT WONDERLAND—periodic intercom announcements—THEY HADN’T FOUND—now arriving wronged unforgivably Kendall/MIT—BUT SAW MORE WEIRD RATS CLOSER TO THE CENTER OF THE CITIES.

 

Dimitri Stamatis—James Johnston

I still don’t entirely get how I’m supposed to tell a “weird” rat from a normal rat.

 

Mallory—Johanna Bodnyk

A normal rat might watch you, but it’s not going to watch you. Y’know? Like, there’s a big difference between “wary” and “interested.” And check how they hold their arms. Like, a rat’ll stand up on its hind legs and have its arms ready, but kind of held out from their body, like a Tyrannosaurus. They don’t rest their paws on their hips, and they sure as fuck don’t gesture while they talk. Also, I’d swear I saw one wearing a tiny hat. Like, one of those corduroy numbers with the snap brim? I dunno, dude, maybe I imagined it, but I am not prone to hallucinations.

 

Got it?

 

Dimitri 

Uh… I guess.

 

mallory

Look, how about this—if you see a rat doing anything at all that you wouldn’t normally expect a rat to do, just tell me.

 

Dimitri 

I can do that!

 

Leon

Wonderland following the Blue Line—CROSSING BOYLSTON STATION—Next stop Park Street—ODD LOOKS AS THEY EMERGED FROM THE TUNNEL, AMBLED ALONG—this is a Braintree train, Braintree—TUNNEL ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE.

 

Dimitri 

Just act like you belong exactly where you are, and no one will question it.  Announcing yourself is less suspicious than trying to go unnoticed. Sometimes you just gotta go through, tromping along like an elephant.

 

Mallory

My dude, I get what you’re saying, but an elephant is not the fucking metaphor you want there. 

 

Dimitri 

I just mean they’re loud…

 

Mallory

Yah, I know what you mean, and I’m telling you you’ve bought into some Hollywood bullshit about the anatomy of elephant feet. They’re always thundering around like a drunk Cyberman tryn’a fuck an empty wheelbarrow. They’re not like that at all. If an elephant actually came up behind you, you wouldn’t even know it. Cartoons think it’s hysterical to show an elephant trying to sneak around by walking on their tippytoes, but my dude—that is literally how they actually walk all the fucking time. The only part of their foot bones that touch the ground is their toes. Their heel is way up on a mountain of squashy gristle, so its feet don’t shatter under all the elephant weight. It’s like walking around with six inches of memory foam strapped to your shoes. Elephants move like fucking ninjas.

 

Dimitri 

But in documentaries…

 

Mallory

Documentaries lie, dude. Most of the sound in documentaries is recorded at some zoo. They can’t get good sound recordings in the wild. Like, camera dudes have long range lenses that let them invade a couple of unsuspecting zebra’s sexy funtimes from half a mile away. Sound doesn’t work that way. You have to get real close for sound, but nobody’s gonna put a lapel mic on a fucking wild lion. So they record the video and add the sound later. Half of it is made up. Because, like… the average dumbfuck watching Animal Planet in his underwear while he gets high is gonna think he’s already tripping if he sees an elephant walk around all quiet. It’s not what we expect, so it feels wrong. In order to make it feel right, they have to make it actually wrong. So they put in the sound we expect an elephants’ feet to make instead of the sound they actually make, which is like… nothing at all.

 

Dimitri [sincerely]

Okay. That makes sense. Thank you for the lesson.

 

Mallory

Happy to fucking help. Hey, where are you going?

 

Dimitri 

Just checking something out. There used to be an out-of-commission A-line car here on the side track.

 

Mallory

A-line? There’s no A-line.

 

Dimitri 

Not anymore. But there used to be. And for years, I thought it was still active, because I knew I’d seen an A-line train. Nica and I used to argue about it all the time. “Dimitri, there’s no A train!” “But Nica, I saw the A train!” “You can’t have seen an ‘A’ train, they don’t exist.” “But it wouldn’t even make sense—how could you have a B, C, D, and E train but no A train? They’re not gonna just start at ‘B’!”

 

Mallory

Huh. I never thought about that.

 

Dimitri

It was a streetcar, and just didn’t work with modern traffic or something, so they shut it down. But there still used to be this one derelict car down by Boylston for some reason. Eventually Leon figured out where I’d seen it, and we were able to put that argument to rest.

 

Mallory

So who won?

 

Dimitri 

We both did. Or neither of us did. It was always like that. Somehow, every time Leon settled one of our arguments, it always turned out we were both right.

 

Mallory

He sounds like he was an infuriatingly good guy.

 

[Awkward pause.]

 

Hey… you okay?

 

Dimitri 

Sure.

 

Mallory

You know… you’re still going through what you’re going through, and that’s totally normal. If you want to talk about Leon, I’m here for it. I like your Leon stories. I think I could’a used someone like him in my life.

 

Dimitri
Thanks. It’s just… I don’t even know how to explain it. I guess… I found out that someone took something of his. And it’s so important that I get it back, and that’s honestly what I should be trying to do right now. But it’s also really complicated and hard to explain in a way that makes sense. And I have no idea how to handle it, so…

 

[Sound of a train approaching.]

 

Mallory
…so you did what you do, and ran off into a subway tunnel to look for mystery rats instead.

 

Dimitri
Yeah.

 

Mallory

Train.

 

Dimitri 

You take this nook, I’ll grab the one across.

 

Mallory

Cool. See you on the other side.

 

[Train arrives and passes.]

 

Leon

ONCE THE TUNNEL WAS SAFE, MALLORY STEPPED OUT FROM HER CREVICE, BUT FOUND—

 

Mallory

Oh, what the Squatty Potty rainbow bullshit is this? Dimitri! You absolutely better fucking not have just vanished in a subway tunnel!

 

Leon

Ashmont, Braintree, Braintree, Ashmont—DIMITRI HAD, IN FACT, JUST VANISHED IN A SUBWAY TUNNEL—how to feel about that—

 

Mallory

YO, SCENT WIPE!! [Silence.] Wellll, fuuuuuck me.

 

CRYPTIC. OMINOUS.

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner

So much was coming together—the strange calendar entries the robots peppered into their speech; the idiosyncratic glitches and comments. It all tied back to Leon Stamatis.

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

THE POTENTIAL RAMIFICATIONS—the doors will close and reopen—

 

Oliver West—Mike Linden 

But what do I do with this information? If he’d worked with pure parapsychology, I might at least have some hope of untangling it, but he had to go and muddy the waters by fusing it with all that digital intratubes mumbo-jumbo. I don’t have the knowledge to fix the problem. I haven’t the first clue how to separate apparition from apparatus.

 

I suppose there’s nothing else for it. I’m going to have to pay a visit to the man in charge.

 

Narrator

Ah, it sounds like I can expect a guest! I’d better tidy up a bit. I do pride myself on being a memorable host. If you wouldn’t mind taking over for a bit, Mr. Stamatis, I’ll meet you both back at the office.

 

Oliver

But how to play this. How can I… blast it! Everything relied on Wonderland! But Philip has torn the whole plan to shreds! What the blazes was he thinking? I gave him clear, simple instructions. All he had to do was follow them. Stamatis goes to prison, Wonderland goes to Ethan, Ethan goes to Bespin, Red Line goes to Legion, and I go…

 

Leon

HOME?—Next stop South Station—WAS PROVIDENCE STILL—

 

Oliver

I go back to my family. But my bargaining chip is gone. So, how to deal with… him. Well, I’m certainly bringing him vital information right now. And… and while I may not understand the technology, who else can offer him skills in managing a spectral presence? No one. That’s what I can offer. How I can save the deal. I’ll promise to… unravel the ghost mind from the network mind… somehow.

 

Some Dude on the Train—Mike Linden

Hey, buddy, you wanna cool it with the monologuing? Some of us like a little peace and quiet on our commute.

 

Oliver

Ah… yes. Very well. My apologies.

 

Cheesebot

Please stand back from the doors to allow passengers to exit before boarding.

 

Leon

THE PERIODIC INTERCOM—to allow passengers to exit.—MOST WERE COHERENT.

 

Cheesebot

1:47 PM. Central Square. Next stop: Kendall/MIT.

 

Leon

1:47 PM. Central Square—PREDICTABLE—Next stop: Kendall/MIT.

 

Cheesebot

1:50 PM. Kendall/MIT. Next stop: Charles/MGH.

 

Leon

1:50 PM. Kendall/MIT—SCHEDULED—Next stop: Charles/MGH.

 

Cheesebot

1:56 PM: Charles/MGH. Mass General Hospital. Next stop: Park Street.

 

Leon

1:56 PM: Charles/MGH—NOW AND THEN, SOMETHING CRYPTIC, OMINOUS—Mass General Hospital—CAME BLARING—Next stop: Downtown Crossing.

 

Cheesebot

1:59 PM. CRYPTIC. OMINOUS. Next stop, Downtown Crossing.

 

Oliver

Well, now you’re just toying with me.

 

[The train arrives and Oliver disembarks.]

 

Oliver

Ah, here we are. I think perhaps I will rely more on taxi cabs in the future.

 

Narrator

Ah, good, he’s nearly here. Leon, do be a mensch and prod him along to the elevator, would you? I have quite an important meeting to attend to after this.

 

[Oliver rides the elevator through Leon’s next speech.]

 

Leon

DIDN’T NEED PROMPTING—from the yellow line—DISTASTE FOR THE MAN—out of service—THE CHORE BEHIND HIM.

 

Narrator

Well, that’s hardly charitable. You’d think he doesn’t appreciate my hospitality!

 

[Elevator ding. Oliver walks down the hall to Narrator’s office.]

 

Narrator

Come in, Mr. West!

 

[Oliver enters.]

 

Oliver

You could at least wait until after I’ve knocked to respond. You must realize that to do otherwise comes across rather distinctly creepy, don’t you?

 

Narrator

I do indeed! Please, make yourself comfortable.

 

INTERVIEW MONTAGE

Chuck Octagon—Jeff van Dreason

What makes you feel most like your real or best self?

Interview 1

That’s a good question.

Interview 2

It’s listening to music. Nothing else.

Interview 3

Making stuff sitting down with a really good playlist or really good podcast and illustrating-slash-animating-slash-writing for like a stretch of four to eight hours. That makes me feel awesome.

Interview 4

I had to go on disability and I felt like I was no longer playing a lead role in my own life that I’m now playing a supportive role in the lives of those around me. I’m surrounded by kids. My father had just moved in with us and I said, I’m going to start a podcast. 

As soon as I hit record, I’m here and I’m with it and I’m doing the thing again and I’m not somebody’s mother, I’m not somebody’s partner. I’m not the person who got sick.

I’m myself. I still have things to say. I still have relevancy in the world.

Interview 5

When I’m playing D&D and being someone else, there’s just something about improvising a performance as a completely different personality that is very fun for, for me. And I think it’s because I do it a lot.

I’m autistic. And so when I’m in, like, a lot of social situations, I kind of subconsciously mask my autism and in a way that is performing as somebody who I’m not, but I’m sort of doing it on my own terms and in a very silly way and in a very fun way.

So it’s kind of taking something that usually I despise doing, but putting my own silly little twist on it.

Interview 6

Talking to people looking at their eyes and saying something that you believe and reading their reactions. That is the most enjoyable thing in my life.

Interview 7

Pre-seven AM and it’s just me and the morning light and I can drink some coffee, or eat a little breakfast, or maybe watch some TV. That little bit of solitude is where I’m—I’m truly most myself. I have no obligation to be anybody for anybody. I just have this little golden hour.

Interview 8

When I’m able to help people. That’s why I was a person who’s like, always smiling. I just feel like a smile can change somebody’s attitude and days. It feels great knowing that I made an impact to somebody, no matter if it’s small or big, it—just knowing that I made a difference.

Interview 9

It’s when I come through on something, when I do something that I didn’t think that I could. When I prove to myself that I can live up to my values, even when it’s really difficult.

 

THE DEED

 

[Sound of walking through echoey tunnels. The occasional skittering of rats.]

 

Philip West—Michael Melia

I’ve never been in this tunnel. Been in a lot, but this isn’t familiar. 

 

Isaiah Powell—Mario da Rosa Jr

It’s a weird one.

 

Phil

How so?

 

Isaiah

Barely connects to Red Line. I found it on accident one day. A long time ago, before all this, when I went tagging with friends who are into graffiti.

 

Phil

You’re an artist?

 

Isaiah

Ehh, I can do some design work okay, but I was never good with a spray can; I just liked to hang out with this crew that did it. And they took me down here one day, and were tagging a wall, goofing off. One of them was throwing around a football, and it slipped out of someone’s hands after a bad pass, smashed right against this boarded up wall. Naturally, we were curious, and we checked it out. Connects Red Line with the Blue line. It’s the only thing I know that does. 

 

Phil

So we’re in Red Line now?

 

Isaiah

Not yet. I’ll let you know when we are. And we’ll have to shut up.

 

Phil

Sure.

 

[Pause.]

 

Why are you doing this? 

 

Isaiah

Why wouldn’t I?

 

Phil

I got you locked up, kid. I literally climbed into your apartment and hid beans under your bed. I framed you.

 

Isaiah

Have you ever been to jail?

 

Phil

No.

 

Isaiah

Well. Thanks to you, I have. And I don’t really think anyone should go. 

 

Phil

My dad went to jail. 

 

[Pause.]

 

My dad died in jail. 

 

Isaiah

Do you remember him?

 

Phil

No. I was way too young. My mom would tell stories about him. But as she got older, the stories turned more bitter, so eventually I asked to not hear them anymore. 

 

Isaiah

My favorite memory of my dad is this time he took me fishing on the Charles. We caught zero fish but ate these delicious fried egg bulkies from Grumpy Whites that made the whole trip worth it. We had to whisper so we wouldn’t scare the fish that weren’t there anyway. Even if they were, we’d throw them back. Nobody in their right mind eats any fish coming from that dirty water. 

 

[Pause.]

 

I asked him if we could do this forever, and he said yes. I asked him if he would love me forever. He said yes. 

 

[Pause.]

 

I asked him if he would be around forever. And. He said yes. 

 

[Pause.]

 

Two years later he died of prostate cancer. 

 

Phil

I’m sorry, man.

 

Isaiah

I used to think it was a lie. And maybe to him it was. And that used to piss me off a little after he was first gone. But that memory is there, and thousands like it, swimming up for nibbles like the tiny fish we never caught. So I like to think of it differently. If I ever have a kid, we’ll get fried egg bulkies and fish on the Charles. And I’ll tell them that story. And hopefully that keeps happening for as long as we’re around. Hopefully I take my dad’s lie—the only thing he could really say to me in that moment? And I pass it along until it becomes some kinda truth. 

 

Phil

Mmm. So… not to be selfish. But where does that leave me? 

 

Isaiah

Why did he go to jail?

 

Phil

He was a thief. 

 

Isaiah

Well. You have two choices. You can honor him by following in his footsteps. Or?

 

Phil

I think he’d want me to go another way.

 

Isaiah

And there you go. We’re getting close now. Pass those gates, we’ll have to run up when it’s time for your train to come. If we run into any cheese-buckets, I can run interference. If we get separated, our contact will look for you at South Station. Just give them the pass phrase and they’ll take it from there.

 

Phil

Mmm, okay. 

 

Isaiah

Where will you go from there?

 

Phil

I’m not sure yet. Someplace new. Someplace… someplace good. 

 

Isaiah

No doubt. 

 

Phil

Don’t worry. I won’t let you get caught again. I don’t need interference. I’ve got this.

 

Isaiah

Are you sure?

 

Phil
I’m sure. If we see cheesebots, just cut me loose. You’ve done more than enough.

 

CLEARING THE BOARD

 

Narrator—Alexander Danner
Please, make yourself comfortable!

 

Oliver West—Mike Linden

That invitation is traditionally accompanied by the presence of chairs.

 

Narrator

Chairs… bah! Never had any use for the things.

 

Oliver

I’m quite certain that you had a chair the first time I came here.

 

Narrator

Appearances, Mr. West. So much of what we call life is all about appearances.

 

Oliver

I suppose chairs would rather clash with the present decor. Is that a herd of giraffes? Where are we this time?

 

Narrator

The veldt! And do be mindful of the lions. They’re sneaky little bastards. Well… rather large bastards, actually. But “sneaky” is the key detail that I mean to highlight. Along with “carnivorous.”

 

Oliver

Y… yes. Lions.

 

Narrator

And I’m afraid prey has been rather sparse for them this season. I’ve been watching for days, and haven’t seen them take a good meal yet. Disappointing for me, but positively devastating for them. The poor dears… the poor dears, they don’t often go for human prey, but under these circumstances… well, you’d hardly be more than a snack for them, but they’re hardly in a position to turn down whatever small morsel might be on offer, now are they? It’s a terrible thing to have needs, but no power to fulfill those needs oneself. To rely on the caprice of others, whether the migration patterns of pack animals, or simply the whims of people in a higher position of power… must be unimaginably frustrating.

 

Oliver

I certainly understand that you must be upset about the outcome of the Stamatis trial.

 

Narrator

Oh, not at all! The verdict handed down was exactly the one I’d hoped for.

 

Oliver

Yes… that… I mean the other… incident. With Phil. Giving away Wonderland.

 

Narrator

Yes, that was a surprising turn of events… And as I recall, the loss of Wonderland nullifies the entirety of our own arrangement, doesn’t it? Why, it’s good that you’ve reminded me—I need to submit the request to issue you your formal death certificate. And sever all connections to your former life once and for all…

 

Oliver

But my family…

 

Narrator

…will miss you deeply, I’m sure. That’s a lie, of course, but I feel it’s my role to offer you some degree of consolation in these circumstances.

 

Oliver

I still have value! I was hoping that we might…

 

Narrator

…re-negotiate for some alternative service of dubious value, of course. This is what’s called the “bargaining” stage. You should be proud, you’ve made it to the third stage quite quickly! And I do enjoy a nicely manipulative bargain, so let me describe the morsel that’s on offer for you today. I am willing to offer you a brief, but imprecisely delineated period of anxious uncertainty.

 

Oliver

I don’t feel I quite grasp what that means or why I would want it.

 

Narrator

It means I’m doing nothing for now. And once I feel satisfied that you’ve sufficiently suffered from waiting in ignorance, I will do something. Option one: I will call you with an idea of how you might remain useful to me! Option two: I will wait until I see a particularly ironic and entertaining moment to drop the guillotine. I’ll be honest, option two is by far the more likely. But the possibility of option one—a possibility without promise—that is my gift to you.

 

Oliver

You’re right. I’m not in a position to turn down the, ah… “morsel on offer.” But I absolutely do have further utility to your schemes. In fact, I’m here now because I’ve just met with our disagreeable collaborator in his laboratory. And I’ve made a rather distressing discovery about the nature of his methods.

 

Narrator

Oh no. A distressing discovery? In our line of work?

 

Oliver

I can appreciate why that idea elicits an ironic tone. However, I fear that we have made a serious miscalculation that could undermine much of what we’ve achieved.

 

Narrator

By all means, and with sincerity this time, I’d like to hear your concerns. All ears are on you.

 

Oliver

The network of robots. We know that they function as a sort of hive mind, each individual unit drawing on the same core, ah… computer thing, I suppose. A thousand bodies, a single, artificial mind.

 

Narrator

Mm, a hive mind. Yes. Mr. Bespin hasn’t put it in those terms as yet, but in some regards you are more perceptive than he.

 

Oliver

Except it turns out that the mind is not so artificial as we’d assumed. You may find what I’m about to tell you difficult to believe, but I must assure you, it is quite true. You are aware that for some time, Bespin was in possession of a crystal ball, which had entrapped the spirit of a man who died some years ago…

 

Narrator

Leon Stamatis, yes! We’re quite well acquainted.

 

Oliver

You are?

 

Narrator

I have regular chats with the dearly departed. I wouldn’t say we’re friends…

 

Leon Stamatis—Braden Lamb

Certainly not.

 

Narrator

…but I think you could say we’re professional colleagues of a sort.

 

Leon

No, I wouldn’t say that either.

 

Oliver

That is unexpected, but it saves time in the explanation. The point is, Bespin has somehow fused the consciousness of Leon Stamatis into the cheesebot hive mind. It is tapped directly into Stamatis’s thoughts. Every one of those robots is susceptible to the same self-destructive impulse that…. 

 

Narrator

…drove Mr. Stamatis to die on a children’s ride, yes, I understand. Without Bespin, they may well nope themselves into oblivion. No need to rehash, I was listening the first time you had this conversation.

 

Oliver

Excellent. That’s where I come in. My expertise in managing supernatural phenomena will allow me to do the work of extracting the mind from the machines.

 

Narrator

Whatever for?

 

Oliver

To… not have train crashes?

 

Narrator

I don’t mind train crashes. Do you really think that will halt the growth of Red Line? That subway line broke down, derailed, and smelled of smoke practically daily prior to our takeover. Even an escalator managed to injure a dozen people when it suddenly reversed direction and threw all its passengers down to the bottom. I’ll grant, those incidents rarely caused serious injury, escalator incident aside, but they happened constantly. Compared to that, the occasional lethal catastrophe will still be a pleasant change, so long as the system as a whole continues running punctually and reliably. People will tsk-tsk the tragedy, then happily go back to their luxury carpartments and enjoy their wealth. No harm, no foul.

 

Oliver

That sounds like quite a lot of harm, actually.

 

Narrator

And therein lies our opportunity! The trick is in predicting which train, what day, what station the terminal glitch will strike. With that kind of advance knowledge…

 

Oliver

We could prevent the incidents one by one…

 

Narrator

We could maneuver our most troublesome adversaries onto the trains just before the crash!

 

Oliver

Oh.

 

Narrator

It’s an opportunity to clear the board, Mr. West! The Powells… the Linzer-Coolidges… that whole clown troupe of “The Underground.” We could take them out of the game completely in one blink of an eye, with those pesky “Redsistance” hooligans conveniently standing by to absorb the blame! Such a tragic accident it would be. So sad. And the truth is, I don’t need any assistance from you for any of that. The backup plan has been in place for some time. It’s not as though Red Line itself is my ultimate goal. It’s Bespin’s technology that most interests me. Whether he perfects it in Wonderland or Coney Island makes no difference to me.

 

Oliver

I see.

 

Narrator

Do you?

 

Oliver

Sorry to trouble you. I’ll show myself out.

 

Narrator

Good choice. And please do enjoy your period of anxious uncertainty!

 

Oliver

Quite.

 

SORRY, CHARLIE

 

[Back in the moment just before Mallory found herself alone.]

 

Mallory—Johanna Bodnyk

Train.

 

Dimitri Stamatis—James Johnston

You take this nook, I’ll grab the one across.

 

Mallory

Cool. See you on the other side.

 

[They take their positions as the train approaches. Dimitri stumbles a bit on a loose rock. The train car begins rushing by.]

 

Dimitri 

What the heck? This rock feels weird. Not just loose, but kind of… springy? Hm. Let’s see what happens if I…

 

[He stops down on the rock. Immediately, the wall he’s leaning against rotates, spinning him into a new space, away from the moving train.]

 

Dimitri 

Secret door! Right on! Let’s see what we’ve got here. Hm. More track. Dead ends at the wall with the door. Interesting. Nothing runs on this, obviously. Even if there was somewhere for it to go, the the whole vibe just shouts “abandoned.”

 

[He walks carefully along the tunnel.]

 

No way! The old A-line car! I was just telling Mallory about you! And look at that, your door’s open. If you’re just going to roll out a welcome mat like that, I might as well have a look around.

 

[Dimitri runs right up to it and climbs in.]

 

Wow. It’s a lot cleaner in here than I’d have thought. Seats are still in good condition.

 

[Turns a switch on the dashboard. The train starts right up.]

 

Wow. Still getting power. Lights, air conditioning… this would be a great place to camp out for a while.

 

[He walks through the car and back again.]

 

I’ve gotta show Mallory. She’s gonna love this.

 

[He hops out of the car again, walks around the outside of it a bit.]

 

So cool…

 

Charlie—Eric Molinsky

Hey, pal, can you spare a nickel?

 

Dimitri 

Whoah! Who’s that?

 

Charlie

Up here, in the trolley.

 

Dimitri 

Oh, hey! Where’d you come from?

 

Charlie

Oh, I’m just here. Can’t really go anywhere else.

 

Dimitri 

I was just in there. It was empty.

 

Charlie

Yeah, nobody ever sees me when they’re in the trolley. They only see me through the window. I can’t explain it. It’s just part of the whole deal, I guess.

 

Dimitri 

People can’t see you? Wait, are you saying you’re… a ghost?

 

Charlie

Something like that, yeah. Name’s Charlie. Charlie On-The-MTA.

 

Dimitri 

Wait… no. What? Charlie on the MTA?

 

Charlie

That’s right.

 

Dimitri 

Like… from the song.

 

Charlie

Yep, that’s me! I’ve been stuck on this train since 1949.

 

Dimitri 

That doesn’t make any sense. That song wasn’t about a real person. The exit fares weren’t even in place yet when the song was written!

 

Charlie

If you’re expecting me to explain it to you, you’re asking the wrong guy. I’m just the ghost of a fictional working-class schmoe who lives on a derelict Green Line trolley. I never know what the heck is going on. Alls I know is it’s a damn shame old Walter O’Brien didn’t win that election, or this whole exit fare nonsense wouldn’t’ve got me stuck here.

 

Dimitri 

Wasn’t it George O’Brian?

 

Charlie

Not till those Kingston boys recorded it. Walter got blacklisted after the Red Scare. They changed the name in the song because Boston didn’t like hearing anyone make a local hero out of a communist. Not that he was actually a communist, but you know. Close enough is close enough.

 

In any case, I’m stuck here until someone pays my way off. My wife tried, but the songwriters never gave her the nickel she needed. Just sandwiches to pass me through the window. Which is something, I guess. I mean, I still got to see my wife. Up until they took the car out of service, anyway.

 

So how ‘bout it buddy? You got a nickel you could spare?

 

Dimitri 

I’m sorry, I don’t have any money on me. Would a nickel even do it, though? The system hasn’t run on regular coins in decades.

 

Charlie

Yeah, I should probably be asking for a token. But that’s not how I was written, you know? But how about it—got a token on you?

 

Dimitri 

Nah. The trains haven’t run on tokens in like fifteen years now, either. And I don’t think this train will know what to do with my Prole Pass. Oh, and I’ve still got my old Charlie Card, but I think this train’s too old even for that.

 

Charlie

A what?

 

Dimitri 

A Prole Pass… like proletariat? You get them from the VICKI machines…

 

Charlie

No, no, the other one.

 

Dimitri 

A Charlie Card… oh. Yeah. They named it after you. Got a picture of you on it and everything. Here, look.

 

Charlie

That’s supposed to be me? In a suit and tie?!? You kidding me? What’d they think, I was some kinda banker or something?

 

Dimitri 

The song doesn’t really say what kind of work you did. Could have been anything.

 

Charlie

Look, son—you think some banker was ever gonna be so hard up for a nickel that he got trapped on a trolley car? There’s a little something called “context clues,” you know? I mean, that’s the whole point of the song, and O’Brien’s campaign promise. It’s about equity. It’s about how the people who needed the subway most couldn’t afford to keep using it with the fare hikes.

 

And for that, they ran O’Brien out of town and took his name out of his own campaign song. He went back to Maine and became a school librarian. Not that that’s such a tragic fate or anything, Frank Capra’s thoughts on the subject notwithstanding. I always thought Donna Reed looked real cute in her spectacles and that little hat. Even based my wife on her. Figure Mrs. On-the-MTA had some kind of gainful employment if she was able to bring me those sandwiches. The library seemed like a nice place for her. But what do I know? I’m just the specter of a bastardized agitprop campaign song.

 

Speaking of, you wouldn’t happen to have a sandwich, would you? It’s been a few years since the last time I had something to eat.

 

Dimitri 

No sandwich, sorry. I’ve got some Go-Gurt, though, if you want it.

 

Charlie

Go-gurt, huh? Well, I guess beggars can’t be choosers. Give it here.

 

[Dimitri passes him the Go-Gurt.]

 

Mallory [distant]

Yo, Scent Wipe!

 

Dimitri 

Down here!

 

Mallory

Did you seriously stumblefuck your way into a secret subway tunnel?

 

Dimitri 

I told you it usually works!

 

Mallory

Could’a come back for me.

 

Dimitri 

I knew you’d figure it out. Made more sense to just start investigating. Found a… okay. Um. Mallory, this is Charlie. He’s, well… a ghost.

 

Mallory

Hey, dude, how’s it going?

 

Charlie

You know, same old, same old. Eternally trapped on the MTA. Unless you’d happen to have a nickel you could spare…?

 

Mallory

A nickel? Sorry, Charlie, but no… whose grandmother do you think I am? Do they even still make those?

 

Dimitri

Wow. You’re not surprised that I just introduced you to a ghost?

 

Mallory

Nah, dude, these tunnels are haunted as fuck! Haven’t I told you about the potato lady I met down here?

 

Dimitri 

I don’t think you have, no.

 

Mallory

Well, that’s a fucking oversight that we’re gonna fix right quick. But that’s for the walk back. But before we go, let’s see if there’s any sign of the weird rats in the weird-ass hidden tunnel.

 

Charlie

Oh, you’re in the right place for weird rats. Never seen rats before like the ones I’ve been seeing the last couple of years.

 

Mallory

Yeah? In here?

 

Charlie

Sure. Really, it’s that other tunnel system they got that really gets me. Like they’ve built their own set of hidden passages, just for rats. Got openings all over. One right across the way there.

 

Mallory

Over here? I don’t see anything.

 

Charlie

You wouldn’t. It’s closed up now. The door only opens if one a the rats is going in or out.

 

Mallory

Interesting. Sounds like we’ve got some staking out to do. We’d better get some equipment together. Let’s get out of here and put together a plan.

 

Dimitri 

Sounds good. Alright, Charlie, guess we’ll be back.

 

Charlie

Yeah? Think you could bring me a sandwich? Egg salad maybe?

 

Dimitri 

Sure thing. In fact, I think I could probably do even better than that. Just hang tight, okay? 

 

Charlie

Sure, sure. I ain’t going nowhere.

 

NOBODY LIKES THAT GUY

 

Isaiah Powell—Mario da Rosa Jr

You ready for this?

 

Philip West—Michael Melia

Yeah.

 

Isaiah 

The rendezvous your requested is happening at Downtown Crossing. From there, you’ll only have until South Station, and that’s a real short trip. Make your goodbyes quick.

 

Phil

I appreciate your doing this. On top of everything else.

 

Isaiah 

Family’s important. I get it. Now, in about thirty seconds, we’re going to reach the platform. Our doors will be opening at the same time as the southbound train on the other side. Don’t go right away—we want to get into the other car just before those doors close, so anyone who sees us won’t have a chance to follow. I’ll count, “three, two, one, go.” Go when I say “go.”

 

Phil

Got it.

 

Isaiah 

Okay, here it comes.

 

[Train stops. Doors open.]

 

Cheesebot—Braden Lamb

9:13 PM. Now arriving, Park Street station.

 

Isaiah 

Wait for it… wait… three… two… one… go!

 

[They make a dash across the platform. The doors close behind them just as they get inside the next car.]

 

Phil

Whew! Wow, this is nice. Whose carpartment is this?

 

Isaiah 

You don’t need to know that.

 

Phil

Fair enough. Hey… I just… about people in jail. Um… Nica Stamatis.

 

Isaiah 

Mm-hmm.

 

Phil

She never knew the part about framing you. She didn’t agree to that, and I don’t think she would have.

 

Isaiah 

Yeah, I know. I watched the whole trial.

 

Phil
Right…. It’s just… if there’s a chance to help her like you’re helping me… she’s the one who actually deserves it.

 

Isaiah 

If I happen to run into her, I’ll be sure to tell her you said so.

 

Phil
Right.

 

Cheesebot

Next stop: Downtown Crossing.

 

Isaiah 

Okay, this is it. You’ll only have from this stop to the next, so say what you need to say.

 

Phil

Got it.

 

Cheesebot

9:16 PM. Downtown Crossing.

 

[Train stops doors open. Oliver steps in.]

 

Phil

Hey, Uncle Ollie.

 

Oliver West—Mike Linden

Philip, I’ve asked you a thousand times, call me… oh what’s the use. Call me whatever you like. You’ve earned that right, I suppose.

 

[Train starts.]

 

Cheesebot

Next stop: South Station.

 

Phil

This is it, Uncle Ollie. I’m leaving for good. I’m getting out of Red Line.

 

Oliver

Getting out? Well, that’s all well and good for you, isn’t it? You can just run away from all of this and just go play your television games without a care in the world. While I stay here trying to find some way to clean up the aftermath of the mess you’ve made. A mess you don’t even know the scale of.

 

Phil

Uh-huh. Uncle Ollie, this is Isaiah. Isaiah Powell.

 

Oliver

Oh. OH. Are you… are you here to capture me?

 

Isaiah 

[Laughs.] No. Not what I do, little man.

 

Phil

He’s helping me.

 

Oliver

But… why? Is this… is this what they promised you in exchange for Wonderland?

 

Phil

Nobody promised me anything. I gave up Wonderland because that’s what I wanted to do.

 

Isaiah 

He did that for his own reasons. And I’m doing this for mine. Not everything is a transaction.

 

Oliver

I hope you’re not expecting me to apologize to him.

 

Phil

No, not what I planned. Still… it’s an option.

 

Oliver

I don’t think it would mean very much.

 

Isaiah 

Not to me.

 

Phil

Might mean something to you, though. If you really meant it.

 

Oliver

…Philip… what you did with Wonderland…

 

Phil

I know, I fucked everything up for you.

 

Oliver

But why? I never thought you capable of such betrayal.

 

Phil

I didn’t betray you. I just didn’t do what you wanted me to do. That’s not the same thing. What I want is supposed to matter too. You gave me orders and just assumed I’d follow every one. But I don’t have to do that. I’ve never had to do that. All I really did was just… figure that out.

 

Oliver

Do you understand what you’ve cost me?

 

Phil

What about what you’ve cost me?! I’m not the person I want to be. You… you did so much for me when I was little. You and Aunt Autumn both. You raised me. You loved me. I know you did. I lost my parents, but you never let me feel like I lost my family. And I’ve always been grateful for that. Maybe… maybe more grateful than a kid should ever have to be. Because I never stop feeling like I need to keep paying you back and paying you back, and I’ve tried so hard to be the person you want me to be, so I can take care of you while you do all this bullshit that you do. But Uncle Ollie—I don’t like that person. And I can’t keep taking care of you. You’re not my responsibility anymore.

 

Oliver

I thought you were supposed to be my responsibility.

 

Phil

I’m not sure that ever goes in just one direction.

 

Cheesebot

9:21 PM. Now arriving at South Station.

 

Isaiah 

This is it.

 

Phil

Goodbye, Uncle Ollie.

 

[Train stops, doors open.]

 

Yelena Segeivich—Tanja Milojevic
Hello, I am codename Volga. 

 

Isaiah 

I’m Huey. The chicken came to a crosswalk.

 

Yelena
Курица перешла дорогу. [“Kuritza pereshla dorogu.”]

 

Isaiah 

Confirmed. Alright, Phil, this is your stop.

 

Phil

Thank you. And—sorry again.

 

Isaiah

Take care of yourself, man.

 

Phil

You too, Isaiah. 

 

Yelena
Please get in suitcase. Once bag is closed, do not squirm or make fuss, or I will have to give you very good kick so you do not call attention. I will load you onto Amtrak for trip to Providence. Your Тетя Autumn will be waiting to claim your baggage. 

 

Phil

See you ‘round, Uncle Oliver.

 

[Phil climbs into the suitcase. Yelena zips it up.]

 

Isaiah 

Good to go.

 

Yelena

Okay, До свидания. [“Do svedanya.”]

 

[Yelena exits, rolling suitcase with her.]

 

Oliver

Philip…

 

[Oliver starts to follow. Isaiah, pushes him back onto the train.]

 

Isaiah 

Nope. You stay here.

 

[Doors close. Train starts.]

 

Cheesebot

Next stop: Broadway.

 

Oliver

…see you ‘round.

 

[Train goes.]

 

Cookie

 

Jordan Higgs

What, Jeff, what do you want? 

 

Mike Linden [as Oliver West]

[In a Western accent] Hi! My name’s Oliver West, and I’m the rootinest, tootinest cowboy in the whole dang Wonderland!

 

Alexander Danner 

[Creaking.] My voice is an old staircase in a haunted hooouse! 

 

Mike [as Oliver West]

He died! Of terror! A terror of speed and movement and trains! No, that’s not the word! I’m going to start over! 

 

Alexander

[Laughter.] What is this, yogurt on the go? I guess?

 

Mike [as Oliver West]

I go back to my family. But my [stutters] why is that a hard line to say? It’s not a difficult word. 

 

Jordan Higgs [as Ethan Bespin]

A fish unfit for a school should be expelled, but Oliver will gladly wear the cap. When grabes—[stumbles] FUCK! [Laughter.] It’s like, I was looking at the word, and I was like, I just have to not say “grades”, and then I was like, “fuck, why?”