Halloween Special: Do Not Ask For Whom the Pizza Geists. It Geists For Thee

[Cheesy commercial music intro—upbeat and playful.]

Legion Assistant Announcer—Terrell Worrell
This Halloween, don’t forget the ghost—the Pizza Ghost! Because you can’t just dine on candy alone! While you’re out trick-or-treating, arrange for one of our great, gifted geists to slip some hot and fresh ‘za onto your dining room and give the kids a reason to be excited about going home!

[Corporate commercial music playing.]

Pizza Ghost—Leslie Gideon
You don’t haaaaaaaave to be out all night, cold and clinging to that plastic pumpkin, weighed down by the snack sized [deep voice] [LEGION LLC] [normally] candy confectioneries! Bring your coven of witches, your groups of ghouls, your pack of plastic [deep voice] [Legion LLC branded lookalike] [normally] ensembles home to a hot slab of steaming dough and cheese and sauce and TOPPINGS!

We will sneak into your home while you’re gone. Think of it as our own little trick for you while you’re out getting treats! And the pizza is a treat too, and our special delivery? Well, that’s our trick! Want to know our secret? [Too forced] HAHAHA I BET YOU DO! BUT YOU NEVER WILL! UNLESS YOU BECOME A PIZZA GEIST! WANNA BE A PIZZA GEIST FOR HALLOWEEN? [Growing somewhat manic] THEN DON YOUR WHITE GLOVES AND TOPHAT AND BLACK SUIT AND DELIVER SOME OF ME WHILE YOU’RE OUT TRICK-ORTREATING! DELIVER ME TO YOUR FRIENDS! DELIVER ME TO YOUR FAMILY! DELIVER ME TO YOUR CLASSMATES! DELIVER ME UNTO OTHERS! DELIVER ME UNTO YOU!

[Steel drum jam begins to play and gets increasingly distorted as Pizza Ghost grows more volatile.]

Don’t forget the toppings! We know what toppings you want. You can have pineapple and ham pizza, but don’t call it Hawaiian because that’s not our style! Just order the Ko Hawaiʻi Pae ʻĀina Ghost and we will deliver unto you a pizza worthy of a kingdom. What other toppings do you want?

You there, Missy Korin, dressed like a witch. Do you like mushrooms? Witches love mushrooms because they come from the earth and the earth is one of the five core spiritual elements of Wicca, a modern pagan practice popularized in the 1950s and linked to ancient forms of witchcraft in name only! ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A WITCH BECAUSE YOU ARE WICCA OR A WITCH, OR DO YOU JUST LIKE MUSHROOMS? DO YOU WANT TO COVER ME WITH MUSHROOMS? DO YOU WANT HOT MUSHROOMS MELTING INTO THE CHEESE AND DELIVERED TO YOUR KITCHEN TABLE FOR YOU TO CONSUME WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED COLLECTING CANDY? 

[Cowboy music begins to play, and grows increasingly distorted. Eventually, we hear cowboy actions—pistols and whooping and horseback riding.]

You like toppings, don’t you little Jimmy, dressed up like a cowboy, like fellow dead matter John Wayne? Yes, he’s a ghost now too. A cowboy ghost! He haunts our memories and the memories of those dying who remember what it was like when he was alive! Few ever saw him but everyone did. Isn’t that a funny thing, Jimmy? To be seen and never seen, to know and never know, just like our Pizza Geists! You say his name and we know him to a degree. John Wayne is tough. John Wayne is no nonsense. John Wayne is gifted with a pistol, a saddle, a rope. John Wayne knows his way around a ranch. John Wayne could be considered a ranch hand. John Wayne drove a stagecoach. John Wayne was a Searcher. John Wayne was a Rooster. John Wayne the Quiet Man. The friend of Dude. The master of Rio Bravo, yelling advice to the Colorado Kid. Do you know that John Wayne, Jimmy? 

[Music abruptly cuts off—spectral sound effects.]

Or is that John Wayne a ghost of you, too, a second specter, a reflection of death we project to cling to life and beg for more chances, beg for immorality? 

[Music comes back in—distorted and growing more so as Pizza Ghost becomes more manic.]

That’s all cinema is, Jimmy. Sad reflections of ghosts haunting our walls and our minds for as long as we can stand to watch them, which is all the more reason why we RUSH to watch more all the time; the more we watch, the better the chance that we, too, can take a stab at being immortal, making an impression in the eyes and the minds of so many others destined for the floating white cloak, spectators doomed to be nothing but specters! Best head to a [deep voice] [LEGION LLC] [normally] RED CARPET THEATER RIGHT AWAY AND WATCH UNTIL YOUR EYES STING FROM TEARS AND WAYWARD POPCORN SALT! 

Now, which topping do you think John Wayne preferred, Jimmy? Not the one you know from your idea of him, but the real version of him, the real ghost, the transparent wailing demon too useless and formless to haunt? My guess is he preferred sausage. And what’s your favorite topping, Jimmy? My guess is pepperoni! 

[Starting normal and growing increasingly unhinged until it becomes… something else.]

WHEN YOU TASTE ME I WANT YOU TO PAUSE AND REMEMBER THAT NO MATTER HOW I TASTE OR HOW WELL YOU DIGEST THERE WILL BE A PART OF ME THAT LIVES INSIDE YOU FOREVER! WHEN YOU ARE DONE CHEWING AND SWALLOWING AND USING YOUR PANCREATIC JUICES, STOMACH BILE, AND ACIDS YOU WILL PROCESS ME THROUGH THE ACTIONS YOU TAKE, THE MOVEMENTS YOU MAKE! I GIVE YOU ENERGY ONCE AND THEREFORE ALWAYS SO WHEN YOU MOVE, YOU MOVE BECAUSE OF MY SACRIFICE!  

[Distorted, overlapping dialogue, Pizza Ghost getting more manic and desperate. Distorted munching sounds.]

YOU MOVE ONCE AND YOU MOVE ALWAYS, ONE MOVE TRIGGERS THE NEXT! YOU ARE A HUMAN DOMINO! THAT IS YOUR COSTUME! YOU TRICK AND I TRICK, YOU TREAT AND I TREAT, YOU EAT AND I EAT AND WHEN YOU EAT ME I EAT ME AND YOU EAT ME AND I EAT ME AND YOU EAT ME AND I EAT ME AND AND AND AND MY FAVORITE TOPPING IS EGGPLANT!

[Music and sound effects abruptly cut off.]

Legion Assistant Announcer

Hahaha, and mine are anchovies and onions! 

[Cheesy, upbeat music kicks in.]

Happy Halloween, and while you’re out parading the littles ones around the neighborhood in their cute little costumes, just think about how badly you want a fresh pizza ghost waiting for you when you get home, and I guarantee our Pizza Geists will deliver! 

Pizza Ghost. Because we’re listening to you, and we know what you need! [Distorted, menacing] And we’re always with you!