Halloween Special: Night of the Living Red

[Creepy music.]

Narrator—Alexander Danner

The most critical skill for being a good guest is simply knowing the right time to leave. The hazards of overstaying one’s welcome are well known, of course, but we speak less often of how leaving too soon can be equally rude. One mustn’t leave a dinner party before the entree has been served, for instance. One doesn’t leave a slumber party while the hosts are still asleep.

And, of course, one must never, ever, leave a Red Line community car before it has reached the next station. This last is a lesson that Brian Brown is about to learn all too well, as he finds himself faced with:

“Night of the Living Red.”

[Music fades out. New music fades in—echoey.]

Brian Brown—Ian DePriest
My mom once told me people procrastinate because they’re totally stressed out. So if that’s true, I must be really stressed! But so must the T! 

Ever since one of the trains crashed into Braintree station and exploded and maybe some people got hurt or died? They’ve gone really slow in certain parts, [train begins rumbling, brakes screeching] and the Cheese Bot drivers have been weird. They chant “Slow Zones” in their robot voices, and then there’s a bunch of dates and what sounds like entries into a calendar and then the word “nope”? Sometimes I’m not sure it’s all worth the commute to my minimum-wage job at Good Times Emporium, but when they have a big wrestling event, they spring for the pay-per-view and charge tickets, so I get to mooch off it for free. So there’s that. 

But I’m going to be so late for work today and the train is doing this like… lurching thing. It’s going a couple feet and hitting the brake. And everyone standing is stumbling. It almost feels purposeful. Like the drivers are trying to get people to fall. My roommate says it’s just because of crumbling infrastructure and not enough investment in public transit. I certainly invest plenty, though! Like do you have any idea how much a Prole Pass costs? I don’t either! Because I’d never be able to afford one if my school didn’t pay for it and add it to my tuition costs. My mom tells me I’ll just need to pay it back with loans. [Scoffs.] Yeah, right, maybe if I ever graduate and get a job I will. Talk about slow zones. I might be in school for a WHILE. 

Anyway, I feel like I’m going a bit nutty with this train ride. Just the way it’s lurching back and forth is making my stomach hurt. It might be the Taco Leak super burrito I’m eating at the same time? But, like—[through a mouthful of food] what kind of situation doesn’t make me want to finish my Taco Leak super burrito with extra hot sauce and refried beans? [Swallows.] Then the announcer says something really weird. 

Cheese Bot Announcer
Traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains. TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!

Brian
The train brakes hard and nearly everyone almost falls. 

Pissed-off Passneger—Bob Raymonda
Oh, fuck this! I can walk faster than this!

Brian
And this dude just totally takes matters into his own hands, pries the door open [metal clanking, door-open chime, passenger grunting] and starts walking on the tracks. People gasp and act nervous, but I get it. Honestly, I’ve been on the tracks before and it’s not that bad. Granted, I barely remember it? You see I—well, no, that’s a whole other story, but the way the train is going and the way I feel like I can’t finish my burrito? I follow the guy. Why not? It’s going to make the difference between a respectable half-hour late and a fireable hour-plus late. 

[Feet walking on the tracks.]

Brian [echoey, in the tunnels]
Hey, what’s your name?

POP
Late. Pissed off. Fed up. Late. LATE!

Brian
Cool. I’m Brian. 

[Narrating] He doesn’t answer. It’s fine. We walk forward and soon I can’t even hear the sound of the train behind me. Just our feet walking on the gravel and tracks. But then? 

Zombie [growling]

Traaaiiinnnsss…

[dialogue] Whoa, what was that? 

Zombie
Trrrraaaaaaaaaains…….trrrrrrrrAAAAAAAAiiiinnnnssss……

[Growling, wheezing breathing]

[Zombie growling, moaning, squelching growing in intensity.]

Brian [narrating]
I hear this shuffling noise up ahead from around a corner. At first, I think it’s another train from the sound of its motion and cryptic repetition of the word “train” used to cement this metaphor about how crumbling public transit infrastructure underlines a misplaced societal priority on profit over the wellbeing of people? But then I realize, as a person stumbles around the corner, it is a person. Or people—as more and more join them. They look like minimum-wage workers just like me. CVS Uniforms. Line cooks. Burger Drop mascot. Starbucks apron. Pizza Geist. They’re all walking with their arms out in front of them, mouths open, gaping like wounds, drooling from their teeth. They look pale and empty, fueled by a hunger. I throw my half-eaten burrito at them. The Burger Drop mascot shows mild interest, even takes off his Burger Hat and sniffs at it, but then shuffles forward. And they mutter that same “trains” thing over and over again. 

But their voices sound dead and awful. 

POP
Fuck this. 

Brian
The guy I’m with turns around and starts heading back to the train. I guess he’s just a “fuck this” kinda guy. I respect that. It’s a tough choice, the trains or these dead people, but I don’t think the trains will eat me. [Laughs nervously.] At least not yet. And these people sure seem like they want to. 

But then we see a whole crew of other undead part-time employees flanking us on the other side. The pissed-off guy tries to evade them, but a few reach out and grab his leg at the last second. He hits the ground hard, and they fall on him like human dominos. And then? Well…

[Awful cannibalistic noises as POP becomes zombie lunch.]

POP
AAHHHHAHHH!!!! FUUUUCK —THISS!!!! 

Brian
Pretty sure he’s dead. While they’re distracted with their pissed-off human burrito, I decide to hightail it the hell out of there back to the train. [Zombie noises fade away.] I run right by them and keep up a steady pace. That burrito I had is weighing me down, though, but the sight of a guy getting housed like a fresh Market Basket rotisserie chicken is, like, pretty fresh in my mind? The train has to be coming up soon. I run and run and… run out of breath. And I hear the shambling feet behind me in the dark. 

POP 

Trraaaaaiiiins…. fuuuuuuuuck… thiiiiiiis… traaaaaaains….

[Crunching, shambling footsteps.]

Brian
I allow myself to take a few breaths and glance back. There’s, like… an army of them. All shambling forward in the dark, with the guy I left behind lumbering forward in the front. I get back to running. Five minutes. Ten minutes. The burrito is seizing up inside of me now and I think I’m going to be sick. Where the hell is the train? [Footsteps fade away.] And then finally I see it. Lurching just like the zombies. [Train rumbling, brakes squealing.]  Forward, stopping. Forward, stopping. At least it shouldn’t be hard to catch. And yeah, it isn’t. The problem is, the doors are not the easiest thing to open? I don’t know how the pissed-off guy did it. Maybe he channeled the power of being super pissed? Well, I channel the power of not wanting to be super food and do everything I can, but no go. I bang on the door [banging] and yell to let me in. Most of the people inside are listening to music and don’t see or hear me. [More banging.] They look completely shut down, resigned to the lurching movement of the train, helpless and, well… kinda just… trapped. They lurch forward and steady themselves with the guardrail and then re-center themselves. [Train rumbles again.] The shambling feet are getting closer. I can smell them now. It’s sorta like a cross between a funeral home and a pet store. [Train rumbling.]

[dialogue] LET ME IN AND I’LL MAKE SURE THE TRAIN MOVES FASTER! 

[narrating] This catches some attention. They move to the door and together pry it open, [door clanks open] lift me inside as hands grip my Good Times uniform and tear some of it off. [Groaning, hands against glass] The doors slam shut. We hear the undead on the other side clawing and banging on the side. The train lurches forward and some of them go down hard. I catch my breath and look up and see the passengers lurching toward me, expecting me to live up to my promise. 

Passenger
Train. 

Brian
One of them says. 

Passenger 2
TRAAAAIN!

Brian
Another commands. I swallow hard and turn towards the front of the car, hoping I can figure out a way to get in there and drive this thing as more and more people lumber closer to me, filled with expectations of going faster. 

[Intro music fades in.]

Narrator

Well, I certainly hope Brian fares better in commandeering a train than Oliver did! Not such an easy thing to do, especially under pressure. And which really is the greater pressure here—the tunnel full of ghouls, or the subway car full of irritable commuters who are late for work? Truthfully, young Brian might have been better off taking his chances with the flesh-eaters! Perhaps if he’d introduced himself properly, they’d have been more welcoming? Civility is the cornerstone of civilization, after all, as we learned in our previous installment. Ah well—let’s just wish him luck, shall we?

Credits

Greater Boston is created by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with help from Amanda McCormack, T.H. Ponders, Bob Raymonda,Jordan Stillman, and Theo Wolf. 

This episode was written and sound designed by Jeff Van Dreason, with additional dialogue by Alexander Danner. Sound designed by Jeff Van Dreason and dialogue editing by Bob Raymonda.

This episode featured:

• Ian DePriest as Brian Brown
• Bob Raymonda as Pissed Off Passenger
• and Alexander Danner as The Narrator
• with Alexander Danner, Jordan Stillman, and Jeff Van Dreason as the undead.

Transcripts are available on our website at greaterbostonshow.com. To keep up with Greater Boston news, sign up for our mostly-monthly newsletter! Link in the show notes.

Greater Boston is a ThirdSight Media production. 

Cookie

Jordan Stillman

[Zombie groaning/gargling] Aaarghhh. [Laughs.] Okay! Good luck!