Mini-Episode: Assistant 3

INTRO

[Charlie on the MTA plays.]

VOICES

This is…

This is…

This is…

Greater Boston

[Music fades.]

[A baseball game plays on the radio in the background.]

[Phone rings]

BRUCE

Hello? Yeah, this is Bruce Bosley. Uh huh. Yeah, we’ve got an appointment now, don’t we? Right. Well, why don’t you tell me where you are, and maybe I can… No, I realize you don’t know exactly where you are. Let’s try this–tell me what you see around you. Parking garage. Okay, that’s a good sign. What else? Okay, yeah, I know where you are. Turn left and go up the ramp. There should be an elevator right there. No, not a utility closet, an elevator. You went the wrong way.

[The radio clicks off]

Turn around, go back the exact opposite direction. You see the ramp? Good. Now, how about the elevator? There you go! Go up to the fourth floor, my office is right there, you can’t miss it. No, seriously, you can’t miss it. I’m telling you, there’s nowhere else to go. Fine, I’ll stay on the line with you. As soon as the elevator opens, you’ll see my door. In fact, if I come open the door right now…

[Bruce stands and crosses the room.]

BRUCE

I’ll probably find you standing…

[He opens the door on Vincenzo]

VINCENZO

Whoah!

BRUCE

…right there.

VINCENZO

That was pretty cool!

[A tiny echo of Bruce’s voice is heard through Vincenzo’s phone.]

BRUCE
Can we hang up the phones now? I’m pretty sure you can find your way from here to the chair across the room.

VINCENZO

Yeah, thanks.

[Hangs up phone.]

It’s just, any time someone says “you can’t miss it” I kinda panic a little, because I know that I *can* miss it, and if you tell me that I *can’t* miss it, that pretty much guarantees that I *will* miss it. You know? That’s like…every time.

BRUCE

Why don’t we sit down and talk about the position you’re applying for?

VINCENZO

Sure!

[They take seats.]

BRUCE

So. Vincenzo, right?

VINCENZO

That’s me!

BRUCE

And you’re interested in coming to work for the Red Line Yard Goats as my personal assistant?

VINCENZO

Well, sure.

BRUCE
You a baseball fan?

VINCENZO

Definitely!

BRUCE
Who’s your team?

VINCENZO
Oh, I’m all for the Reds.

BRUCE

The Red Sox, sure.

VINCENZO

Naw, not the Red Sox–the Reds! Cincinnati!

BRUCE
Ohio! Alright. Why the Reds over the Indians?

VINCENZO
Well, I always went to games with my mom. She loves baseball more than almost anything. But she told me how the Indians have got this racist cartoon thing for a mascot, and she always told me how “we don’t support app…appro…

BRUCE

Appropriation?

VINCENZO

That’s it! “We don’t support appropriationative racist caricature in this house.”

BRUCE
Alright, I respect that.

VINCENZO

Oh! You don’t have anything like that with this team, do you? Where like the name sounds cute, but then you see it and it’s actually like…”whoah! Racist!”

BRUCE

Are you asking me if “Yard Goat” is a racial slur?

VINCENZO

I mean…it could be? You never know.

BRUCE
Our mascot is a goat. Just…a literal goat. Eating a baseball bat.

VINCENZO

Oh, okay. Cool. 

BRUCE

Now, you worked in the mayor’s office as an assistant for Charlotte Linzer Coolidge for…this says two months?

VINCENZO

Yeah, it was kind of a temp thing. She was already on her way out when I got hired. Her assistant before me went to work for the other nice lady running for mayor after Ms. Linzer-Coolidge dropped out of the race. I was just there kinda to shut things down.

BRUCE
That’s fair. Can’t hold that against you. What kinds of responsibilities did you have in that position?

VINCENZO

Well, you know. Like, filing, and answering the phone, and making calendars. That kind of thing.

BRUCE

What do you feel you accomplished in that position? If you had to pick one thing, what was your biggest achievement?

VINCENZO

Uh…well, I found my dad!

BRUCE
Okay. Sure. That sounds…well, I guess I should say congratulations…

VINCENZO
Thanks!

BRUCE

…but that’s not exactly work-related.

VINCENZO

Naw, I guess not.

BRUCE

And it sounds like you were probably making use of work resources for personal purposes.

VINCENZO

Yeah, that part worked out real well.

BRUCE
Right. So…I already called your references. I spoke to Ms. Linzer-Coolidge.

VINCENZO
Cool, how’s she doing? Must be weird living out in that amusement park. I guess maybe not as weird as living on a train. She’s sure lived some weird places, huh? I don’t think the rides are even working anymore, but I guess maybe they could fix them up. Free corndogs though!

BRUCE
Yeah. I didn’t really ask about any of that. But she seemed fine. We talked more about you.

VINCENZO

Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.

BRUCE

And when I asked her how you were as a worker, she told me–and I’m quoting here–”Vincenzo…” She paused for a bit there, to think about it. “Vincenzo…always tries his best.”

VINCENZO
Well, that’s true! I absolutely do. I always try my best.

BRUCE
That’s…that’s good. But…Vincenzo, are you familiar with the idiom “damning with faint praise?”

VINCENZO

Naww.

BRUCE
Okay. I’m gonna encourage you to look that up when you get home. It, uh…it’ll probably be relevant to a lot of situations for you, I think.

VINCENZO

Oh. Okay. Hang on, I’d better write that down.

[Takes out pen and paper.]

What was that again?

BRUCE
Damning…

VINCENZO
Damning…

BRUCE

…with faint praise.

VINCENZO

…with faint… is that “faint” like passing out, or “feint” like faking someone out with a sword? 

BRUCE

Uh…the first one, I think. That’s not really a question I expected.

VINCENZO

“Faint praise.” Okay, got it. I’ll google that as soon as I’m home.

BRUCE
Good. Good. Now, Vincenzo, I’m gonna be honest with you. I don’t think this position here with The Yard Goats is gonna work out.

VINCENZO

Awww….

BRUCE

But…you know Pizza Ghost is hiring, right? I think that might be a…better fit for you. I’ve even got a buddy managing the new franchise going in at South Station. I can make a call for you, if you’d like.

VINCENZO

Sure! Thank you.

BRUCE
Okay. I’ll do that. Thanks again for coming in today.

[Vincenzo exits awkwardly.]

Oof. Nice kid, though. Let’s see, who’s next? Lily…of the Small Urban Community Garden? Yeesh. This is gonna be a looong day.

[Charlie on the MTA plays.]

CREDITS

Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

You can support us on Patreon at http://www.Patreon.com/greaterboston.

Cast

This episode featured:

• Kenny Garcia as Bruce Bosley (he/him)
• and Chad Ellis as Vincenzo Wellington (he/him)

Music

Charlie on the MTA is recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede.

Contact

Find us online at GreaterBostonShow.com.

Follow us on Twitter @InGreater Boston.

Content notes:

• Damning with faint praise
• Brief reference to racist caricature.

COOKIE

CHAD

…do not trust myself to get it right the first time. So! Elevator…

[mic bump and clatter of objects falling.]

There goes my water. Okay.