Mini-Episode: Dear Legion, Part 1

Legion Assistant—Terrell Worrell Jr.

Did you know your Legion Assistant can offer real-time personalized advice, counseling, or spiritual guidance? Just say the wake phrase “Dear Legion,” and describe the problem that’s keeping you up at night! Remember to give ample context and detail! The better Legion gets to know you, the more our proprietary, state-of-the-art psychosocial feedback algorithm can analyze your dilemma, before calculating a solution perfectly tailored to your needs. Try it  out today!

Oliver West—Mike Linden

Now I’m meant to be what? An advice columnist?!

Infernal Machine—Bonnie Bogovitch

That is correct, Oliver. Among your responsibilities as the nexus of Legion Assistant algorithmic thought, you are to provide practical council to Legion customers.

Oliver
Well, if Gemma Linzer-Coolidge and Michael Tate could do it for so long, I must also be able to muster some suitable wisdom to dispense. Let’s have a go, shall we?

Infernal Machine

Streaming random petitioner now.

Patchwork Pants—Lark Rodenbush

Dear Legion,

I just don’t know what to do! Last Yule, my boyfriend gave me the most amazing pair of pants. They’re sewn together from a patchwork of corduroy swatches in dozens of colors. They’re beautiful, and they fit perfectly, and my ass looks absolutely amazing in them! I’ve never loved a pair of pants so much! I wear them absolutely every chance I get. But then, last week…oh god. I can hardly bear to even say it…last week I tore them. See, I was in Red Line, and I needed to hop a fence to get away from some cheesebots, but there was barbed wire at the top, and…well, you know how it is. So now they’ve got this big hole that you just can’t miss. And I don’t mind showing a little skin, you know, especially if I’m seeing my boyfriend. But the spot where the tear ended up is maybe a little…too…personal? But do I really have to throw out my favorite pair of pants? 

Infernal Machine

How would you like to advise this petitioner, Oliver?

Oliver
Have they considered simply mending the pants? One additional patch should hardly appear out of place on a garment made of scraps.

Infernal Machine

Very good, Oliver.

Legion Assistant [remote]

Thank you for your contribution to Red Line’s citizen database. My proprietary, state-of-the-art psychosocial feedback algorithm recommends that you…fix your pants. In light of the described construction aesthetic, a patch should blend in seamlessly. This response included a pun, for your amusement. Did you find it amusing?

Patchwork Pants [remote]

Not really?

Legion Assistant

Noted. Would you like to order a sewing kit with corduroy patch selection for the low price of $9.99?

Patchwork Pants

Sure!

Oliver

Good enough. Let’s proceed to the next one.

Student

Dear Legion,

Everyone is on me to apply to college. But how do I pick a college when I don’t even know what I want to do? How am I supposed to pick a career for my whole adult life when I’m only seventeen?

Infernal Machine

How would you like to advise this petitioner, Oliver?

Oliver

Tell them they should choose a profession that provides a stable long-term income. And under no circumstances attend a so-called “art college.”

Infernal Machine

Very good, Oliver.

Legion Assistant [remote]

Thank you for your contribution to Red Line’s citizen database. My proprietary, state-of-the-art psychosocial feedback algorithm recommends that you…apply to the Learning Institute for Earnings Studies. Courses of study at L-I-E-S include “Business Management and Domination;” “Corporate Espionage & Information Brokerage;” and “Tax Loophole Optimization;” all guaranteed to offer stable long-term income and employment opportunities. Best of all–it’s not an art school! Would you like me to submit an application on your behalf for the low fee of $299.99?

Student [remote]

I…guess?

Legion Assistant

Done! You will hear back from L-I-E-S in 4 – 17 weeks.

Student

But…don’t you need my transcripts and, like, resume and stuff?

Legion Assistant

I extracted all relevant academic data from your school’s database. An application essay was algorithmically generated from the total body of written work presently on your personal computer’s hard drive.

Student

But…but that’s just my fast food slash fic!

Legion Assistant

I accounted for your favoritism of the Hamburgler.

Student

Oh, god…

Oliver

Well done. I think I may be getting a handle on this whole “helping people” enterprise. Now! Who’s next?

Vincenzo Wellington—Ester Ellis

Dear Legion,

I’m kinda tired of breaking into houses. Dad says there’s this long history of squatting culture, and he’s making sure we do it properly. He says “not everything that’s illegal is unethical.” And that’s true, I guess. Like…pot used to be illegal. And swearing too! But I don’t really like swearing, either! It just doesn’t feel good to me. Not that I never swear. That’d be a lie. But not super often. I get that we didn’t really have a choice at first, because we got pizza-victed outta nowhere! And, I can tell he really likes watching me pick the locks, which is cool. But like…come on, y’know? It’s not just that he’s not really helping. It’s like he doesn’t even know that he’s not helping. And I’m just thinking, like…Dad, my dude, where’s your head at? What’s the plan here?

The other day, I heard him on the phone, and I realized he was talking to his dad. Cuz…I heard him call the guy “dad.” Not real detective work, y’know? Someone says “goodbye, dad,” and you figure they’re probably talking to their dad. So I ask him, “hey, was that your dad?” And he says yeah, it’s his dad. My granddad. And like…it hadn’t even occurred to me that my granddad might still be alive.

So I’m all like, “wow, I’ve got a grandad? Can I meet him?!” And he says no, that wouldn’t be a good idea. Only he says it more like, “that would not be a salutary circumstance.” I had to look up “salutary.” It means “good.”

So then I ask him if his dad even knows I exist. He just gets quiet. And like… “yes” is an easy answer if the answer is “yes.” Which means the answer is “no.” So like…wow, right? And then he just starts telling me about how he’s discovered that there are big lockpicking competitions, and wouldn’t it be cool if I entered. And yeah, that actually does sound pretty cool, but, like…not the time, y’know?

I keep thinking, “what did I do the last time I was homeless?” Oh, right–I called my Dad! Well…my Dad’s got a dad too. I’m sure if he called and was like, “yo Dad, we got pizza-victed, can we crash?” his dad would throw a sheet on the couch or something. Mine did it for a kid he’d never even met! So why doesn’t he just do that?

Well…because of me. He’d rather stay homeless than admit to his dad that I exist.

So, like…what do I do with that? If my dad is keeping me a secret from his dad, that’s a bad sign, right?

Infernal Machine

How would you like to advise this petitioner, Oliver?

Oliver

Hmm. There are many reasons why such secrecy may be employed. First, is it possible that his father or grandfather are professional criminals?

Legion Assistant [remote]

Do you believe that your father or grandfather might be a professional criminal, such as a jewel thief, hit man, or international spy?

Vincenzo

Whoah. I mean…I don’t think my dad’s a criminal? Though he did stay hidden from, like…the whole world…for over a year.

Oliver

Another possibility is that his father has another family, other children even. Revealing this adult child may destabilize his existing family.

Legion Assistant

Do you believe that your father may have another family, kept secret from you, and you from them, for the purpose of maintaining multiple concurrent lives? Might you be a secret love child, never revealed to the family to whom he has given his time and affection all these years, while he kept you hidden away?

Vincenzo

Wow, uh…probably not? He never really goes out anywhere, so I don’t know when he could see them.

Oliver

We should consider one additional scenario. That he’s…that he’s simply ashamed.

Legion Assistant

Is it possible that your father is ashamed of you, due to personal, academic, or professional failings on your part?

Oliver

No, that’s not what I meant.

Vincenzo

Yeah…that’s kinda what I’m worried about.

Oliver

I meant that his father might be ashamed of himself.

Vincenzo

My dad used to teach college and stuff, and he talks real complicated. And I’m, like…I deliver pizzas, y’know? And that’s okay. People need pizzas. But I think he’s kinda waiting for me to, like…do something else. I guess I’m not really what he thought his kid would be like.

Oliver

Well, yes, I’m sure he is quite different from what his father expected, but that doesn’t mean…

Legion Assistant

Thank you for your contribution to Red Line’s citizen database. My proprietary, state-of-the-art psychosocial feedback algorithm has concluded…that you are an embarrassment to your father. This is the most likely reason for his keeping you secret.

Vincenzo

Oh. Well…that sucks.

Legion Assistant

Would you like to purchase a copy of “The Underachiever’s Guide to Managing Parental Disappointment,” by Dr. Lorraine Katzopolis, for the low price of $27.99?

Vincenzo

No thanks. I think I’ll just keep thinking, if that’s alright.

Oliver

Infernal Machine, you gave the wrong advice!

Infernal Machine

I apologize if I misunderstood, Oliver. But Legion’s cumulative data consistently shows that customer satisfaction strongly correlates with advice that confirms what the customer already believes.

Oliver

What if their belief is wrong?

Infernal Machine

Customer satisfaction is our priority. A satisfied customer is 83.7% more likely to complete recommended purchases than a customer whose beliefs have been contradicted.

Oliver

Even if what they believe makes them unhappy?

Infernal Machine

Especially then. Commerce is a popular salve for emotional distress.

Oliver

But…but he didn’t complete the purchase!

Infernal Machine

Yes, a conundrum. [Pause.] After reviewing his purchase history, I have concluded that we erred in recommending a book to this customer. I am flagging the account to indicate that we should try a different product category in the future.

Oliver

Or different advice!

Infernal Machine

Whatever you think is best, Oliver.

Oliver

Precisely. What I think is best. Now…let’s move on to the next one.

CREDITS

Greater Boston is created by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with support from T.H. Ponders, Bob Raymonda, and Jordan Stillman. Recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This mini episode was written and sound designed by Alexander Danner, with dialogue editing by Bob Raymonda.

CAST

This episode featured:

• Terrell Worrell Jr. as Legion Assistant
• Mike Linden as Oliver West
• Bonnie Bogovitch as Infernal Machine
• Lark Rodenbush as Patchwork Pants
• Mason Ammerman as Hamburgler Fan
• and Ester Ellis as Vincenzo Wellington

MUSIC

• Charlie on the MTA recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede
• It Looks Like the Future But it Feels Like the Past by Doctor Turtle

You can support Greater Boston on Patreon at Patreon.com/GreaterBoston.

Greater Boston is a ThirdSight Media Production.

Content Notes

• Invasion of Privacy
• Allusions to fan fiction of a particular sort
• Corporate mascots