Mini-Episode: Farewell Dipshit

[Charlie on the MTA plays]

VOICES
This is…

This is…

This is…

Greater Boston

[Music fades]

[Birds tweet and the wind blows. Freed Friend is walking along the Charles.]

BERNIE

[Clears throat]

Excuse me, sir, are you, uh… is your name really… I apologize, I’m having a hard time saying this out loud because it seems mighty disrespectful. Could you tell me who you are?

FREED FRIEND

My name is Freed Friend.

BERNIE

I’m so sorry, I must be mistaken. I was looking for a Dipshit Polletti.

FREED FRIEND

You found him. Or, well, you found the man who once went by that name anyway. How can I help you?

BERNIE

I have a letter addressed to you, sir. Or, at least, to that version of you. I tried delivering it to the address on the envelope, but it was abandoned and we didn’t have a forwarding address on file and it seemed awfully important, so I’ve kept it on me just in case I ran into you.

FREED FRIEND

Oh? I’m happy you did. But… how? Did you know that I’m me? And that you’d find me here, far and away from any place I’ve ever called home?

BERNIE

[Proud]

I’ve got the Carrier’s Intuition, if you’d believe it.

FREED FRIEND

The Carrier’s Intuition?

BERNIE

That’s what my ma called it anyway. I come from a long line of mail carriers born with a preternatural ability to find exactly who a letter is seeking, whether the address is wrong, or the handwriting’s sloppy, or sometimes, the person doesn’t quite want to be found. So today, when I told my husband we should take our dog out for a walk along the river, something in me knew I shouldn’t leave the house without this letter. I just had a gut feeling about it, you know? And it seems that gut feeling was right!

FREED FRIEND

That’s very impressive!

BERNIE

Why, thank you sir. It’s a trait not everybody values, but fortunately one the USPS is founded on. So my family’s been long taken care of by the people we’re destined to serve.

[Bernie rustles in his jacket for the letter.]

FREED FRIEND

Michael Tate? I haven’t heard from him in months!

BERNIE

No, it seems, most people hadn’t. On account of him being trapped and all?

FREED FRIEND

Trapped?

BERNIE

I think you should let him tell you for himself.

FREED FRIEND

He’s here?

BERNIE

No, but his words are.

FREED FRIEND

Right, of course.

[Opening the letter.]

[Music]

MICHAEL

Dear Dipshit, née Extinction Event, née Panda Bear, née Earth Man, née Gerald,

I’d like to start this letter off by saying I never agreed with the team’s decision to call you Dipshit. It amused me, sure, and didn’t feel entirely out of bounds, considering how power hungry you became after replacing Gemma, but it still felt unnecessarily cruel. You, true to your word as you are, took the name on with aplomb, but I can’t imagine that it felt very good. And I’m sorry that I didn’t do more to help curb the vote.

I’m writing to you now from Oliver’s apartment above the office. He locked me in here when I discovered he was behind Emily Bespin’s campaign. For a while, I was getting regular food deliveries, but eventually they ran out. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve eaten anymore, and I’m not sure how much longer I have left. If you can, when you get this, send help. Who knows if I have enough time for that to even matter, but more than anything I’d just like to be sure that Mr. West’s tacky home isn’t my final resting place. 

Were you ever welcome in here? Were you invited to deliver his endless Olive Garden tuna sandwiches by taking the quick trip up the secret elevator behind the kombucha machine? Or did he make you use the pneumatic tubes to do that as well? When you moved about the city, doing his bidding, did you feel in control over your own actions? Your destiny? Did your Family approve of your cooperation with him? Or did you feel the need to hide it from them?

I’m asking these questions not for my own benefit, but for yours, Dipshit. You see, while you did sometimes let your power at ThirdSight go to your head, I think we both realize that Oliver was the one pulling your strings all along. And, despite the way you piled so much work on my desk that I often didn’t get home at night, and how you dragged my best friend’s sister down into the mud with you, you were only really going along with it to protect and provide for your family. You didn’t relish in the chaos and discord like Oliver did.

You’re the kind of person who puts the world, and its perception of you, ahead of your own health and well-being every single time. Because you understand that there is injustice all around us, and while you don’t have the power to fix all of it, you will do whatever you can to point it out. This is all a roundabout way of me saying that I forgive you, friend. For everything. And I hope that you’ll forgive yourself too.

Because I know what you’ve done for Isaiah Powell, and while that won’t take back any of the poor decisions you’ve made already, it does show me the kind of person you desperately want to be. And I think you can be that person, if you just choose to, every single day, from here on out.

No matter what happens to me, I’m begging you, don’t blame yourself for this too. The publisher is a lot more insidious than any one of us ever would have wanted to believe.

I love you, Dipshit.

Warm Regards,

Michael Tate

[Music fades]

[Freed Friend lets out a deep, satisfied sigh.]

BERNIE

Man, this guy must be really special. You’re not the first person to have that kind of reaction to one of his letters.

FREED FRIEND

There are more?

BERNIE

Dozens. I’ve been delivering them for days now with no end in sight.

FREED FRIEND

You know, Michael Tate’s a man I long underestimated. He just didn’t seem to have any kind of spirituality in him. At least, not the kind that makes sense to me. It always seemed like he was just floating through everything he did, like he was only there because he had to be, and not because he really believed in what he was doing. Like he was perfectly content with leading an unremarkable life, making only the mark that he was paid to. And I was hard on him because I underestimated him. But then he goes and sends me something like this, that is just so beautiful and insightful that I have to wonder, if he wasn’t this special all along?

BERNIE

People all have the capacity to surprise you, as long as you let them. Even if you’re around them every single day.

FREED FRIEND

I suppose you’re right.

[A dog barks in the distance.]

BERNIE

Well, now that I’ve done my sacred duty, I really must get back to my family.

FREED FRIEND

Please! I’m sorry that I’ve kept you for this long.

BERNIE

No need to apologize, my Freed Friend. Just do me a favor and, whenever you’ve got your life sorted out, contact the post office and give them a forwarding address. I don’t mind trusting my intuition when I’ve got to, but life’s a whole lot easier when I’ve got a map in front of me. You know?

FREED FRIEND

I do. You have a nice day!

BERNIE

Thank you! I will.

[Bernie walks away as the dog barks again.]

[Music]

CREDITS

Greater Boston is created by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with additional support from T.H. Ponders, Bob Raymonda, and Jordan Stillman. Recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This mini-episode was written by Bob Raymonda and produced by Alexander Danner.

This episode featured:

• Josh Rubino as Bernie the Mailman
• James Capobianco as Freed Friend Poletti
• And James Oliva as Michael Tate.

Charlie on the MTA recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede.

Battle Anthem of the Arbitrary Geopolitical Entity by Dr. Turtle.

You can support Greater Boston on Patreon at Patreon.com/greaterboston.

COOKIE

JOSH RUBINO
I tried delivering it to the address…AH-dress. [Stuff British accent] Ohh, I tried delivering in to the ahh-dress on the ahhn-velope! [clears throat]

JAMES CAPOBIANCO
You have a nice day.

ALEXANDER

[Silly voice.] Thank you, I will!

JAMES
[Cockney] Awrighty then!