Mini-Episode: Farewell ThirdSight

[Charlie on the MTA plays – this time mixed with bells courtesy of TH Ponders. A little holiday flair]

[Music fades out]

VOICES
This is…
This is…

This is…
Greater Boston!

[Music fades out completely] 

[Fade in on the sounds of a crowded bar. Glasses clinking. A crowd talking. We come in on a table, where people cheers their glasses.]

JONAS – JIM JOHANSON

To double paychecks!

ALLISON – JORDAN STILLMAN

To getting paid a full salary for sitting on my ass!

NATALIE – ELI BARRAZA

To sticking by friends, even after escaping the hell that brought us together in the first place!

ROGER – TH PONDERS

To Dipshit!

TOM – BOB RAYMONDA

To Dipshiiiiiit!

[Glasses are tapped and they all take a sip. Somebody burps.]

JONAS

Did any of you see that they found Tate?

ALLISON

(SIGHING)

Yeah, turns out he isn’t dead.

NATALIE

That’s right, pay up. The lot of ya. I told you there was something fishy about how all that went down. Him goin’ on a bender just seemed too convenient to be true.

ROGER

Well actually,, we don’t know if he was on a bender or not. That maybe could have been what sent him up to the publisher’s office in the first place.

TOM

Wait, are we really going to gloss over the fact that THAT’s where those pneumatic tubes led to? A full-on, super villain’s hidden office complete with a secret elevator?

JONAS

It is pretty wild.

NATALIE

You think Dipshit ever got to go up there?

ALLISON

No chance.

[Someone approaches the table and clears their throat.]

TOM

We’re okay, pal. We’ve still got half a pitcher between us.

BERNIE – JOSH RUBINO

(amused)

What? Oh, no, I’m not here to offer you anything to drink. I don’t work here.

ALLISON

Then what’re you doing bothering us?

JONAS

Yeah, can’t you see we’re kinda busy catching up right now? And why are you dressed like a mailman?

ROGER

Not really looking for any new friends. Buddy. 

BERNIE

You are all ex-employees of Third-Sight Media, correct?

NATALIE

Who’s asking?

BERNIE

My name is Bernie, and I’m a postman if that wasn’t already abundantly clear from my outfit…

TOM

Huh. I guess you are.

JONAS

And? Why are you bothering us in the middle of our happy hour? I don’t see any of our mailboxes around, do you? A da doi?!?

NATALIE

He’s got a good point.

[Bernie rustles around in his mailbag.]

BERNIE

I think you’ll find I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Take a look at what’s written on that envelope there.

ROGER

Which one of us?

BERNIE

Any one of you will suffice. It’s addressed to the bunch of you.

JONAS

(taking it)

To my fellow Third-Sight Employees… Thirsty Scholar Pub. Thursdays. 6 PM.

ALLISON

That’s oddly specific.

TOM

Looks like it was post-marked a while back now…

BERNIE

Well, this is the first time all of you were here since it came into my possession. Last week Natalie’s brother was in town from Minnesota, the week before that Jonas had his first Villainous Vegan Cooking class over at Veggie Galaxy, and the week before that was Thanksgiving.

ROGER

Huh. I …I guess that makes sense.

NATALIE

No one else finds it disconcerting that he knows this much about our lives?

JONAS

Naw, I’m way more curious about who sent a letter addressed to all of us in the first place.

BERNIE

It’s from Michael Tate.

ALLISON

No shit? We were just talking about him!

TOM

Well, is somebody going to open it?

JONAS

Just as soon as this joker goes on his way.

[There’s an awkward moment of silence. Bernie whistles. Someone clears their throat.]

BERNIE

Oh, you mean me? If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to stay.

ROGER 

Are you an ex-ThirdSight employee that none of us are aware of?

BERNIE

Well, no, but you see, I’ve been delivering so many of these all at once and I’m just so curious about their contents.

ALLISON

That seems awfully weird.

NATALIE

Yeah, move along, bud.

BERNIE

(surprised)

Uh, yes, of course. My apologies… Have a happy holidays…

TOM

You really can’t just say Merry Christmas? Asshole.

[Bernie walks away slowly, sulking.]

TOM (cont’d)

That was weird.

JONAS

Not as weird as this….

To my Fellow Third-Sight Media Employees,

I’m writing to tell all of you that I am nearing the end of my life. But not, as many of you theorized on the local news to Chuck Octagon, because I “went off on a bender and fell into a dumpster somewhere…” No, I’ve spent the last several weeks trapped in the publisher’s offices, which can be found by accessing the secret elevator behind the kombucha machine…

ALLISON

It’s a little late to tell us about that, isn’t it?

NATALIE

Yeah, you’ve already been found, guy.

ROGER

Shhh, I want to hear what else he’s got to say to us.

JONAS

I know that none of you held me in very high regard after I rebuffed your first invitation to your unofficial weekly happy hour, but I’m hoping there may be one of you that cares enough about my well-being to assist the authorities in my rescue. Or, at the very least, direct them toward my body, so that it doesn’t become a health hazard for whoever takes the building over next.

TOM

Calm down, buddy. We didn’t think about you that much.

[Allison rips the paper away from Jonas.]

ALLISON

C’mon, you’re hogging it! We should all have a turn…

Otherwise, I want you all to know that I’m very glad you’ve found each other. I know how difficult it can be to foster and maintain healthy friendships into adulthood, and how rare it is to have such a tight-knit group of them all together, at that. I really do appreciate you extending the offer to have me join in on the fun, and apologize for declining. You see, it didn’t have to do with anything about any of your individual personalities, but out of my own sense of self-preservation. As you all seem to have realized by now, I am an alcoholic…

ROGER (sarcastic)

No way, really!? It’s not like you ever talked about it or anything. 

ALLISON

…and one recovering from a recent relapse at that. So spending any of my free time in a bar could have been dangerous for my future. And that’s something that’s hard to open up about with people you barely know, other than over the occasional donut in the break room.

That all being said, I do hope that the bunch of you will consider taking stock of what it means to be part of your group, and more than that, what it means to be outside of it. Your intense connection can be off-putting for people interacting with the outside, especially when you get it inside your heads that they’ve wronged you. 

JONAS
Who the hell does this guy think he is, some kind of psychotherapist?

[Natalie rips the paper from Allison’s hands.]

NATALIE (putting on a mocking accent)

You have this unspoken pack mentality that causes you to gang up on any perceived threat. Your ability to reduce someone to a shell of themselves would be impressive if it wasn’t also so deviously cruel. You can really be a bunch of mean girls at the cool kids’ table in the cafeteria, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.

[Tom bumps into the table, making glass clink, as he grabs the paper for his turn.]

TOM

Listen: I understand that Mr. Polletti could be a bit of a hardass after he became our manager, and an eccentric one at that, but did you really have to rig the vote for his new name into calling him Dipshit? Even if that’s what you were already regularly calling him during these little happy hours of yours, was it entirely necessary that he be made aware of that fact? And did you really have to stuff the ballot box so that he’d actually go through with it? You all knew how susceptible he was to that sort of thing!

ALLISON

Damn right we did!

[Roger pulls the paper from Tom.]

ROGER

I hope you’ll all take this to heart as you move away from each other and into new careers separately. Hang on to those positive aspects of your relationship: the close bond you developed while working in a job you may not have liked, but maybe try to take real stock of what it means to be on the receiving end of your ire. And see if you can’t use your need to protect one another for the greater good?

[Jonas pulls back the paper to finish reading.] 

[Introspective music fades in as the par environment fades out]

JONAS (growing sad as he reads)

Regardless, I hope you all have been able to get back on your feet, and that the extra paychecks I’ve sent to you were able to help. You all deserve better than what Oliver West gave you. 

I love you all very much.

Best,

Michael Tate

[Somebody makes a farting noise – music cuts off abruptly and the bar environment cuts right back in.]

ALLISON

Okay, buddy, jealous much?

NATALIE

(laughing)

Yeah, did he really just call us mean girls at the cool kids’ table?

TOM
(laughing)

He really did. Sounds like somebody’s got a real Lindsay Lohan complex, huh?

JONAS

You don’t think he was right though, do you? Were we too hard on Dipshit?

ROGER

No, Dipshit always was and always will be a Dipshit.

NATALIE

Pretty nice thing Tate did, if he’s telling the truth though. By keeping our salaries going after the company shut down and all that…

ALLISON

Who cares? He was still a stuck-up knob.

ROGER

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: To Dipshit!

[They all shout To Dipshit one final time before cheering their glasses again. The crowd sounds fade.]

[Introspective music plays – again wit bells courtesy of TH Ponders.]

CREDITS:

ALEXANDER DANNER

Greater Boston was created by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason, with additional support from TH Ponders, Bob Raymonda, and Jordan Stillman. This mini-episode was written by Bob Raymonda and produced by Jeff Van Dreason.

This episode featured:
Jim Johanson as Jonas
Jordan Stillman as Allison
Eli Barraza as Natalie
TH Ponders as Rodger
Bob Raymonda as Tom
and Josh Rubino as Bernie the Mailman

Charlie on the MTA recorded by Emily Petersen and Dirk Tiede.

Are you an actor interested in auditioning for a role on Greater Boston? We have a call for auditions up right now. See our twitter @InGreaterBoston for details or click here to go to the audition application.

You can support Greater Boston on Patreon at: patreon.com/GreaterBoston

COOKIE

JIM JOHANSON
Who the hell does this guy think he is? Some kinda…thyco-therapist?
(laughs)

JEFF VAN DREASON (distant – high pitched voice)
THY-CO THERAPIST!

JIM JOHANSON
That was…not on purpose!

JIM JOHANSON
AND? Why are you bothering us? In the middle of our happy hour? I don’t see any of our mailboxes around? Do you? (improving) A DA DOI?!?!? (laughs)

JEFF VAN DREASON (dstant)
(laughs) You can do that! Just leave a bit of a space after before you start to laugh)

JIM JOHANSON (continues to laugh)