Mini-Episode: The Stamatis Family News Hour

THE STAMATIS FAMILY NEWS HOUR – Transcript

DANA FARBER PROMO COLD-OPEN

[“Train Jam” plays in the background]

ALEXANDER
Hey Greater Bostonians. A few years ago, cast member Michael Melia was diagnosed with cancer. Michael thankfully beat the disease, but ever since then, he’s been raising money for the Dana-Farber Cancer institute in order to help other people still struggling with their cancer. And this year, he’s running the Boston Marathon on behalf of Dana-Farber, and he’s having a big fundraising party to help the cause.

Join us at BitBar in Salem, Massachusetts on Thursday, March 12, from 4 to 10pm, for food, games, and fundraising. All night long, 10% of all food purchases will go toward Dana-Farber. And that’s not all! Sign up to enter a MarioKart tournament and try your luck in our opportunity drawing for a great North Shore gift basket. All proceeds and donations will also go to Dana-Farber.

Plenty of us from Greater Boston will be there, so if you ever dreamed of facing down GB creators and cast members in your favorite arcade game, please swing by, and we’ll see you there! And if you’d like to support Michael and Dana-Farber in their efforts to fight cancer, please check the link to donate in the show notes. Thank you!

[Train Jam fades out]

EMILY PETERSON
Alright. One, two, th–

[Demo version of Charlie on the MTA plays]

VOICE 1
This is…

VOICE 2

This is…

VOICE 3
This is…

VOICE 4
Greater Boston.

[Large metal door opens and closes. Jail environment. Distant sound of cells, echoey footsteps. Jingling keys and more footsteps. NICA sits down in a chair and picks up a phone receiver. Other jailed voices occasionally call out in the distance]

NICA STAMATIS – Kelly McCabe

Ooooh. Everything about this is perfect.

DIMITRI STAMATIS – James Johnston
(through phone receiver)

How can you say that?

NICA

It’s like it’s not even real. It’s like something out of a TV show. I’m surprised Nichole isn’t with you with her cameraman, she would love to capture this kinda action. I mean, do you know which cell I’m in? The same one they held Isaiah Powell in. I found a note scribbled into the wall. A poem, really. Called “When You’re That One.” All about how he was falsely accused. I helped do the things that put him here. And I was arrested by the other person who did the things that put him here. And now I’m in here and talking to you. We’re face to face, but there’s a wall in our way. My estranged brother. We’re face to face, but we need a phone to speak to one another. It’s almost too much!

DIMITRI

You don’t belong in here, Nica.

NICA

That’s the thing, though? I kinda do. I did some bad things, Dimitri. The reason I decided to play double agent with Emily was to atone for those bad things. I wish I hadn’t done them. But wishes are just useless little lies we waste time believing in from time to time.

DIMITRI

These bad things – do you want to tell me why you did them? Or what you did?

NICA

Not particularly. (Pause) You know the sickest thing? I feel bad for Emily. She’s really not well. It’s not an excuse, I’m not saying it is. But I – I pretended to be her friend so I could use her for information. And she sounded genuinely hurt when she found out. Of course she is. She has nobody to confide in. Nobody will listen to her.

DIMITRI

Maybe that’s for a reason.

NICA

That’s really not what you want to say right now.

DIMITRI

Is it really any surprise that someone who hurts people is all alone?

NICA (cutting off)

Maybe she hurts people because she’s alone, have you ever considered that?

(Pause)

DIMITRI

I admit. I haven’t. But —

NICA
But. Again. It’s not an excuse.

DIMITRI
No.

(Pause)

NICA

You know what I’ve been thinking about? The tapes we used to make when we were kids. The radio shows. The radio plays.

DIMITRI

The Stamatis Family News Hour.

NICA

Yes! We were the anchors and we did different voices for the reporters.

DIMITRI

Leon did the weather.

NICA

And he insisted on reporting the actual weather.

DIMITRI (laughing)

He took it so seriously! He’d use that old barometer we found at a garage sale.

NICA (laughs)

He was working on his own Doppler Radar technology!

DIMITRI

And we would try to lead him in talking about a blizzard on the horizon?

NICA

A tsunami! A herd of tornados! A cyclone full of angry dolphins!

DIMITRI

And he’d be all like, (impersonating Leon) “No. It is mild and the humidity is above average.”

[Both laugh]

NICA

There was that day we kept teasing him, telling him there was a snow storm coming, a monster one that would keep us homebound for days. We’d need to make a snow fort with tunnels out of the back door all the way around to the towering banks by the driveway. He wasn’t having any of it. (Impersonating Leon) “While the temperature and atmosphere is conducive for snow, there is no expected precipitation.” We made those tapes for hours and then later we walked to the window and pulled the blind open and — there it was.

DIMITRI

Untouched white blankets. Snow, everywhere. Covering everything.

NICA

Leon was astonished. He looked at us like we were pranking him. He put on his snow gear and went outside, almost like he expected it was fake stuff we planted there. He looked at us like we couldn’t be trusted. Like we willed it into existence with our imagination. And we just laughed and played and built our snow fort while he wondered if his barometer was broken. Eventually even Leon gave up and insisted reporting live from the storm as if it were an emergency broadcast, and then after that, he laughed and dove in and joined us, digging into all that frozen snow. (Pause) Do you remember the team of adventure reporters we came up with? Wendy and Jules.

DIMITRI

Of course. They’d travel to parts unknown, uncovering dangerous secrets and mysteries of the dark woods of New England haunts.

NICA

I used to love pretending to do that with you. (Beat)

[Morose guitar theme plays through rest of the scene]

NICA
But that’s where a lot of my anger came from. After Leon died. After you were gone and I felt so alone. I always chalked it up to about you not being there. Feeling alone, like nobody cared. But it was all because of Wendy and Jules, Adventure Reporters of New England Mysteries. Because somehow when we were done with those stories, when we clicked that thick, black stop button on that clunky cassette player we’d recorded those stories on, you – you were able go off and still be Jules. And I couldn’t. I could only be Wendy when I pressed the red record button, or click play and re-listen to my pathetic pretending. My adventures lived on cassette tapes only, trapped in black loops, literally spinning in circles like they were — taunting me. I hated that. I hated it so much. I still hate it. And I was so angry about it that I thought that I hated you. I thought that I hated Charlotte Linzer-Coolidge. I thought that I hated people on the Red Line who somehow managed to ignore me, despite my misplaced, outrageous antics. When really? Really it was me. It was always me, Dimitri. It was always because I couldn’t be Wendy. I was always only just Nica. And that’s what’s so perfect about this too. Watching you go off and be like Jules like it’s just so *fucking* easy. I’ve always felt like I’ve been in this cell. With a clear wall dividing me from who I want to be. A clear wall that lets me see it, teases me with the vision, but does not allow me through. That’s what it is. That’s it. That’s the whole ballgame.

DIMITRI

Nica —

NICA

Please don’t say that you’re sorry because that’s what I’m trying to tell you, because this isn’t your fault, this is where I belong because —

DIMITRI

Nica!

NICA

What?

DIMITRI

You may have done some bad things. You may have had some misplaced anger. You may have made some bad decisions. But you were never…ever…”just” Nica. Fuck Wendy. Wendy’s got nothing on you. And one way or another, we are going to tear down this clear wall. And you will step through. You will get the chance to do whatever you want to do, be the Nica you want to be. But that Nica will always and forever be Nica. Trust me. We’re all better off for it.

NICA

It’s too late. I think – I think it’s too late.

DIMITRI

No. It’s not. It’s snowing outside. It’s a blizzard. And your barometer is broken. That’s all. [Hangs up phone, through the glass, knocks fist against it, sounding muffled]

I’m not going anywhere. But you are. I’m getting you out. One way or another. I’m getting you out of here, Nica. I promise you.

[Nica sighs]

CREDITS – Alexander Danner
GreaterBoston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This episode episode featured performances by:

James Johnston as Dimitri Stamatis
and Kelly McCabe as Nica Stamatis

Charlie on the MTA recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede.

Transcripts are available online at greaterbostonshow.com

[Piano outro]

JEFF VAN DREASON
You guys can just improv this scene I think.

JAMES JOHNSTON
Yeah (laughs).

KELLY MCCABE

I like to think of this as the Paddington Bear jail scenes, with like Nica –

JEFF
She’s definitely making marmalade sandwiches in jail.

JAMES
Yeah. I’ve – I’ve smuggled you this knife in this jar of marmalade.

KELLY
Yeah! She’s teaching them to make jail a happy place.

JAMES
I’ve smuggled you, I’ve smuggled you this knife inside–

ALEXANDER
If there’s one thing Nica is good at, it’s making —

KELLY
Making places happy. It’s true! She brings her bubbling personality —

JEFF
Do you think she does an open mic night in the jail? Like…

KELLY
That’s — open mic night —

ALEXANDER
Ohhh. Yes. Yes she does.

KELLY
That’s the only thing that could make …prison…worse.

JEFF
Season 4 shit right there!

(all – laughter)

ALEXANDER
Yeah!

JEFF
I just – I just want these colorful and very Paddington 2-esque colorful group of characters be like, “Nica, tell us the story about the time you met Chevy Chase!”

NICA
If you could give me a type-five (???) on prison puns? I would be extremely into that.

JEFF
Ohh, let’s do it.

JAMES
Oh, you know what? Oh, I found two more ballpit balls. Hidden behind this proped up little area. We’re going to hold these while recording.

KELLY
This is amazing. This is the best —

ALEXANDER
(laughter)
That makes 12.

KELLY
It’ll be my squeeze stress ball. (sings) Squeezy stress balls!