Mini-Episode: Tinker Leon Marlo Guy

VOICES
This is…
This is…
This is…

Greater Boston!

[phone ringing. Answering machine picks up]

GUY WITHOUT TRUCK (VO) – Mike Linden
There is a job. I request the services of your truck. Review the requirements in my ad before committing your truck to this job. If your truck has gone through any modifications or adjustments since our last encounter, if you’ve purchased a new truck, if your truck is dirty or soiled, please re-apply with digital images of any such alterations. Consider “no names for your truck” an addendum to my original ad. If your truck has maintained the integrity apparent in our last encounter, meet me at the following coordinates. 9:30pm. Thursday evening.

41.934445, -71.099933

Truck.

[BEEP! Brief pause. Driving noises]

MARLO – Mike Linden
Hey, are you hearin’ me Bertha? Hear me sayin’ your name Bertha? I gotta get it out while I can, don’t I Bertha? Gotta get your name out, all these questions, don’t I Bertha? Big Bertha knows I can’t ask any questions with this strange fella, can I? You know the answer to that, don’t you Bertha? Of course you do…Bertha?

[Pause]

That one wasn’t really a question, Berhta? Well that don’t matter, do it Bertha? It don’t matter if it was a question, Bertha, long as it ends sounding like a question, right Bertha? Don’t you ‘spose that’s enough Bertha?

There he is. He’s wearing the same outfit as last time, crazy fella he is. Green army jacket. Navy pants. Brown porkpie hat. Sunglasses. It’s night outside, who wears sunglasses? Maybe he’s blind? That’s why he needs a truck? And a guy with a truck to drive him? Yeah, maybe he’s blind. I’d ask him if he’s blind if I could ask him questions. Strange little possibly-blind fella.

[Pulls over. Passenger window rolls down.]

GUY
Truck.

MARLO

Uh-huh. Truck.

GUY
Good truck.

MARLO
Thank you.

GUY
Get out and take the keys.

MARLO
Why?

GUY
No. Questions. I will inspect the truck to make su —

MARLO
I haven’t touched her since our last job.

GUY
I will inspect the truck —

MARLO

She’s been under a dust cover, for chrissakes. Clean as a babies bottom ..I mean, no, that ain’t right, babies bottoms, they’re not so clean, they got poop on ‘em, maybe even…other…dirty…baby stuff. I dunno. Uhh. Eh.

GUY
I will inspect the truck to make sure there hasn’t been any–

MARLO
Okay, fine, whatever.

[MARLO gets out. GUY looks through the truck and inspects it].

GUY

What is this?

MARLO
Oh. That. Uhh. No questions?

GUY

Truck is not clean.

MARLO
No, no, truck is clean, truck is very clean. You could eat off that truck. Hell, you could fill the bed up with soap and water and you could bathe in that truck. Very clean truck, that truck. That’s…that’s just my umbrella.

GUY
Umbrella.

MARLO

Uh-huh. Yeah. Umbrella. You know. In case it rains. It’s got a very fancy case. Very modern. Gotta have an umbrella. What if we’re out on one your little jobs and it starts to rain? I mean, rain don’t bother me personally, but it may bother you. It may bother someone else. So I keep an umbrella in case I have company in the truck and they don’t wanna get wet.

[Pause]

What, you don’t ever get caught in the rain? Guy without a truck’s gotta get caught in the rain all the time. Then what do you do? Then where will you be? I’ll tell you where. Wet. I mean…that’s not a place. But it’s a thing. A thing you’ll be. You’ll be wet. You’ll be in Wet-town, that’s where you’ll be. Drenched-ville. Soaked-…City. The Suburb of Soaksville.

GUY
No questions. No jokes.

MARLO
Yeah. Alright. Sure. But an umbrella ain’t no joke. Nothing funny about an umbrella.

[Pause]

Actually they are kinda funny looking, aren’t they? Whoops! That was a question, wasn’t it? I mean…that was a question. And they are funny. Umbrellas are funny. I was wrong about them not being funny.

[Pause]

GUY
Get in.

[They both get in the car]

Here is the first address. We will drive to this address. We will load up your truck and pick up a passenger. Then we will drive that passenger and his load to another address, where we will unload that load. After that, you will drive me back to these coordinates. The job will be completed and you shall receive your payment.

MARLO
So no food in a tube today? Sorry. No food in a tube today. No questions, no jokes. Let’s go, fella.

[Marlo drives away. Driving]

MARLO
This must be our fella over here on the side with all these boxes. That must be his load, as you call it. This must be our fella, I said. Must be. Our fella.

GUY
This is the address. Stop at the address.

MARLO

Yeah, okay.

[Call pulls over. Window rolls down]

GUY
Truck.

TINKER IN TAUNTON — Richard Penner
Good evening, gentlemen. What’s the largest moon of Jupiter?

GUY
Ganymede.

MARLO
Hey. That’s a question. How come he gets to ask a question?

GUY
No questions.

MARLO
Right, no questions, but that was a question, he asked a question. How come he gets to ask a question?

GUY
You’re asking a question. No questions!

MARLO
Well, you should be more specific about that. Your ad should have some revisions in it. No questions for Marlo. Anyone else could ask questions, but if Marlo gets a little curious? Oh, no. No questions for Marlo at all. Anyone else is welcome to questions. It’s a question buffet in here but Marlo ain’t invited.

TINKER
Uhh. Are…you guys okay?

GUY
Questions okay for job. You are not job. You are truck.

MARLO
I am not “truck,” I’m Marlo! And Marlo asks questions!

GUY
Truck does not ask questions. Truck drives. You drive. Or you do not drive. Either way, no questions.

MARLO
I just think you need to make some corrections to your ad, is all. Some revisions. Get some more detail in there. More specifics.

[Pause]

TINKER
Uhh. So can one of you help me load this into your truck or what?

MARLO

What is it anyway?

GUY
No questions!

MARLO
What? He didn’t place the ad. He didn’t say no questions. Only you said no questions. And he can ask questions to us so I can ask him questions. I’m not asking you questions, I’m asking him questions and pointing out how unfair it is that he gets to ask questions and I don’t get to ask questions, so I’m asking him is all what I’m doing. He don’t gotta tell me if he don’t wanna. I mean, heck, what do I know? It’s just my truck.

TINKER
It’s my orrery.

MARLO
Owlrey? You got birds in those boxes?

TINKER
Orrery. A scale model map of the solar system I use for divinatory purposes.

MARLO
Oh, okay, sure, one of those.

TINKER
Yes. A very wise man recommended I move it out of my house and into this storage container. This should do wonders to relax considerable tension between my spouse and myself.

MARLO
Yeah, of course. Naturally. Yeah. Well, let us give you a hand. C’mon, Mr. No Questions.

[MARLO and GUY get out of car. Truck bed opens, they load in boxes.]

MARLO
Woof. Those planets are heavy.

TINKER
Thanks. Here’s the address to the storage unit. Hey, what’s this?

MARLO
That? Oh, that ain’t nothing. It’s uhh. It’s just my umbrella. My fancy, modern umbrella case. That’s all that is. Nothing but that.

[Tinker opens tube. Unfolds paper. Reads]

MARLO
Hey, uhh, it ain’t raining so you know what they say, bad luck to open an umbrella in the house. Or in the truck. Seven years bad luck in the truck, something like that, least that’s what I heard from some guy one time or something.

[Sounds of letter coming out of tube / paper shuffling]

TINKER

It’s not an umbrella. It’s a letter! “Dear Dimitri and Nica…”

GUY
That was not an umbrella.

MARLO

Yeah, well, you know, it could be! I could put it over my head if I wanted to. Might not make for a good one, but that’s my business!

GUY
No lies. No liars and no lies.

MARLO
Well then that’s something else you gotta add to your ad!

CREDITS – Alexander Danner
Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with recording and technical assistance from Marck Harmon.

This is the final mini-episode of the hiatus. We have a few surprises left to tide you over while we continue preparing season 3, but don’t worry if the feed is quieter than usual for the next couple months. We’re still hard at work preparing the next stage of the story.

In the meantime, we hope you’ll continue supporting the show through our Patreon campaign or look at the fun items at our merch shop. You can find either through our website at www.greaterbostonshow.com

This episode featured:

• Mike Linden as Guy (he/him)
• Mike Linden as Marlo (he/him)
• And Richard Penner as Tinker in Taunton (he/him)

Charlie on the MTA recorded by Emily Peterson and Dirk Tiede.

CREDIT COOKIE

MIKE LINDEN [As Marlo]
Driving montage. What are we gonna do for a driving montage? I mean like — what, like …are we thinking like in like the Muppet show like when Kermit and Fozzy are in the car? And like they’re driving? Like we’re going by all the famous landmarks and like singing a song? Should I sing a song?

Dug-a-dug-dug-a-dug-dug-a-dug.

“Movin’ right along,
we’ve lived a life on the highway,
And your way is my way,
So trust my nav–”

MIKE LINDEN [as Guy]
That’s enough of that.

MIKE LINDEN [As Marlo]
But it’s my montage!