Mini-Episode: You've Got to be Sittin' Me

[Charlie on the MTA demo version plays]

VOICES:
This is…
This is…
This is…

Greater Boston.

[Charlie on the MTA fades out. Red Line train car fades in].

CHARLOTTE: — Summer Unsinn

So the bottom line is he likes to be Baby-bjorn-worn when he’s not eating, sleeping or taking a bath. It might be hard on the back, but easy on the ears. He had a snack around 4:30 so he shouldn’t be hungry again until 5:45 or 6, depending on how he’s feeling. We’ve been pushing the solids lately and there’s some mashed peas, avocado, lentils, peaches — you can try to give him a couple of those but you make sure he wears a bib. In fact, it might be a good idea to just leave him in his diaper. It’ll be easier to hose him down and PJ him up once he’s done. You might want to stand back after you slip him his plate. He likes to paint more than eat and he’s an abstract expressionist. Jackson Pollock style.

LOUISA — Julia Propp

Healthy distance. Got it.

CHARLOTTE

Bath after dinner. He has two Rubber Duckies, one’s the mama, one’s the baby. He likes the light blue washcloth to play with, you can use any of the other ones to suds him up. He hates getting his hair washed so I’d just let that go for the night, you’ll both be better off.

LOUISA

Sounds good to me.

CHARLOTTE

Sometimes the water comes out super hot because the trains have been running extra hard all day, which can overheat the rail-tanks, so check the temp as the water comes out. And watch out for the occasional wee-wee fountain. Sometimes when he really gets going with those Rubber Ducky’s, he gets a little too comfortable, and, well — .

LOUISA

Dodge the pee geyser. Right. Okay.

CHARLOTTE

Bedtime: He reads five books in this order: two lap books, you’ll hold him on your lap while you read those, they can be a little longer. Then put him in the crib for his “night-night” book, this can be shorter board book. After that, he gets a secret book. Then a dessert book. And sometimes when he’s really fussy we toss in the “super-secret” book. That one’s optional, but if you don’t read the other ones, and in that order? He’ll know. And he’ll fuss.

LOUISA

In…that…order?

CHARLOTTE

Two lap books. A night-night book. A secret book. And a dessert book. Super-secret book optional

LOUISA

But — ! Uhh…

CHARLOTTE

He’ll crawl to the ones he wants to read, or he’ll burp his preferences. Shrug if he burps and he’ll point to the ones, he knows not everyone practices gastromancy. I certainly don’t.

LOUISA

Okay, so uhh —

CHARLOTTE

Hit play on his CD player next to his bed. It can be played at a low volume, even if the train noise overpowers it. He likes the train noise, it helps him sleep. Skip the first song, he hates it, make sure it starts on song two.

LOUISA

Song 2. Got it. Woo-hoo!

CHARLOTTE

What?

LOUISA

Just…just a Brit-pop…joke.

CHARLOTTE

If he wakes up, you can try rubbing his back in his crib, but if he stays super fussy, pick him up and rock him with him cradled in your arms back and forth nice and hard. Harder than you might expect.

LOUISA (light arm swinging)

Like…this?

CHARLOTTE (aggressive arm swinging)

More like this.

LOUISA

Wow.

CHARLOTTE

I know.

LOUISA

That actually puts him back to sleep?

CHARLOTTE

Eh, nine times out of ten.

LOUISA

What about the tenth time?

GEMMA — Lydia Anderson

Are we ever going to leave? She’s putting a baby to bed, not landing a plane.

CHARLOTTE

I feel like I’m forgetting something. I wrote all this down and put it on the fridge, along with emergency numbers and contacts, poison control, choking prevention guide, Red Line fire department numbers.

GEMMA

Charlotte, our reservation is in twenty minutes and there’s a boycott in some cars thanks to your dear friend Isabelle Powell.

CHARLOTTE

Oh, he likes this donkey, it really calms him down. If he gets really fussy, squeeze its butt. It makes this noise.

[Weird donkey sigh]

LOUISA

What the hell kinda noise is that?

CHARLOTTE

I think he’s supposed to be…sighing? Don’t ask me, Gemma’s mom gave it to us.

GEMMA

Are we putting him up for adoption? It’s dinner, she’ll be fine, let’s go!

CHARLOTTE

Send us a text if you can think of it.

GEMMA

Just wear him. He’s fine when you wear him. Trust me, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing most of the time, but the kid barely makes a noise when he’s strapped up. You could even take him for a walk if you want to. Go grab a drink at a bar if you need it. Whatever! No judgement here.

LOUISA

We’ll be fine, right Monty?

[Monty burps]

GEMMA

That’s a yes.

LOUISA

Just go have fun and don’t worry about us.

CHARLOTTE

Good luck. And thank you.

GEMMA

And remember this was your idea.

LOUISA

Uh-huh. Don’t mention it.

[Red Line doors]

LOUISA

Okay, Monty? What do you feel like doing. How about we play on the floor for a bit.

{Sets Monty down, Monty fusses]

LOUISA

Uhh..Or not, or not. Back in your bjorn you go.

[Smart phone vibration].

MICHAEL

Tuesday, November 15th, 8:05pm. Don’t trust Phil.

LOUISA

“Don’t…trust…Phil.” What! This…come on, I don’t hear from you from weeks and this is how you get at me? You schedule me a message dissing my boyfriend who’s gone and ghosted me? What…what is going on, Michael? You’ve got to give me more than that.

[Phone typing]

Tuesday, November 15th, 8:05pm. “Where are you? Where have you been?”

[Waits. Hits a few button on phone. Dial tone].

Come on, come on Phil, pick up. If you want to take off, fine, but the least I deserve is a —

OPERATOR

The number you’re calling has been disconnected.

LOUISA

Of course it has. Well. I guess there’s nothing I can do. Just gotta sit tight. Wait for one of these guys to show up. One of them has to eventually. Right, Monty?

[Pause]

Do you — do you feel like taking a bit of a walk?

[Red Line train gets louder. Transition. Traffic / suburb outdoor noise. Louisa steps up to a porch and wraps on the door]

I know, Monty. This was a stupid idea. I’ve been over here eight times in the last seven days. I haven’t gone inside yet, though. I know I shouldn’t. But some of my stuff is in there, so if Phil never comes back, it’s like …it’s like he’s stolen my stuff, right? And I have a right to get it back, don’t I? Yeah? Right-on. Let’s try it.

[Tries to open door, locked]

Okay. Maybe the back door.

[Walking for a bit in real time. Trying backdoor. Locked].

Okay. Window?

What am I thinking, I’m not gonna climb through a window with a baby strapped to me. There’s gotta be something here to make this trip worthwhile. Something I’m not noticing, something that would give me some information on my apparently untrustworthy boyfriend who is completely ghosting me, something I —

Trash cans.

I mean, this isn’t horrible for you, is it? I’ve seen one of your moms do worse. I’ve seen one of your moms’ commit crimes, even! Wait, is…is this a crime? No, it’s an investigation. Yeah. I …I probably shouldn’t be saying all this to you.

It’s fun. It’s a mess. Kids love messes. Right?

[Monty coos]

Yeah! That’s the ticket. Let’s dig this trash

[Knocks over trash can, dumps out trash bag, rifles through it]

Let’s see: fungus macaroni mold, CVS receipt scrolls, coffee grind ash heaps, chicken wing bone yard…what’s this?

[Picks up folded piece of paper]

Colonial ditty draft.

[Unfolds paper, reads]

December 16th, 1773

Patriots gather with boxes of tea

Tossed overboard to challenge the Brits

Tax us without rep? Better expect a fit.

Crossed out.

Can’t tax us into silence without getting shit.

Crossed out. Too many syllables. Too vulgar.

Can’t tax us into silence without a fit.

Writing on the margin. That’ll have to do.

Can’t tax us into silence without a fit…

COLONIAL (singing flashback)
Can’t tax us into silence without a fit!

LOUISA
Can’t tax us into silence without a fit…Oh, you’ve gotta be SHITTING me —

[Monty burps]

[CHARLIE on the MTA demo version plays. Fades down slightly for credits]

Credits – Alexander Danner
Greater Boston is written and produced by Alexander Danner and Jeff Van Dreason with recording and technical assistance by Marck Harmon.

Want to meet us in person? We’ll be exhibiting at MICE, the Massachusetts Independent Comics Expo, October 21st and 22nd. And that will be your first opportunity to buy the official Greater Boston mini-comic with a story set between seasons 1 and 2, and featuring the art of our own Braden Lamb, who will also be at the show.

In order of appearance, this episode featured:

• Summer Unsinn as Charlotte Linzer-Coolidge (she/her)
• Julia Propp as Louisa Alvarez (she/her)
• Lydia Anderson as Gemma Linzer-Coolidge (she/her)
• And Mike Linden as Singing Colonial Telegram (he/him)

Charlie on the MTA performed by Emily Petersen and Dirk Tiede.

And a very big thank you to Bridget for all your support and generosity, you really help keep the show going.

COOKIE
Summer Unsinn
What’s the donkey noise sound like?

Alexander Danner
I can actually answer that.

[Weird noise from — Lydia?]

Alexander Danner
I think I’ve got that donkey right here, even though Jeff wrote — Jeff wrote this bit?

Lydia Anderson

[Laughter]

Summer Unsinn
Ah…

Alexander Danner
And I was like…I know what donkey you’re talking about.

Summer Unsinn
…based on a real donkey.