Father Klem—Josh Rubino

Greater Boston! I don’t know what’s so great about it. They got those cheese robots everywhere. And the Red Line is a town, I’ve heard! It’s so ridiculous. Yeah, my, uh… my city bus is going to be ah, uh… a university! Did you see that! Yeah. Oh, crap, we’re recording!

 

[“Charlie on the MTA”/“Forgive Me! Theme” mashup plays.]

 

Alexander Danner

This week: Forgive Red Line Part 1–A Greater Boston/Forgive Me! podcast crossover event!

 

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason

Forgive. Verb. Stop acting angry or resentful toward someone for an offense or mistake.

 

Multiple Voices

Forgive—

Forgive—

Forgive—

Greater Boston!

 

[Music ends.]

 

ST. ETHAN’S

 

[News jingle.]

 

[Crowd noise, Red Line trains. Protesters chanting “let us confess.”]

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason
This is Chuck Octagon, reporting for the Underground.

Nichoel Fonzerelli—Kristin DiMercurio
And I’m Nichole Fonzerelli. We’re live from Andrew station, where Red Line mayor Emily Bespin is about to engage in a ribbon ceremony for Red Line’s first… train… church.

Chuck
That’s right, Nichole. It’s a real holy roller! 

 

Nichole
[Sighs.] Chuck…

 

Chuck
As with most events in Bespin’s Red Line, there are currently a contingent of displaced Red Lineans protesting their unfair banishment from the city, especially with regards to their inability to enter this new church.

 

Nichole

As you’ll see behind us, there’s a barrier of the mayor’s cheese robots preventing them from entry. 

Chuck
But that’s not all! St. Ethan’s will not only feature the world’s first highly-exclusive roaming place of worship, but also the first automated confessional booth, outfitted with a Legion Assistant, officially ordained and ready to wipe your sins clean in less than two minutes, no matter how serious they might be!

Father Ben—Casey Callaghan
Excuse me… do… do you mean to say the confessional is… automated?

Chuck
We are reporting live on TV and radio, my good sir. Please keep your questions to yourself.

Father Ben
I’m sorry, I’m not from here and this whole… train-city thing has me a little disorientated. As does this church.

Nichole
Haha, yes, it’s a bit odd, just like someone walking right into your work and asking inappropriate questions, right?

Father Ben
Oh, that is my job, actually, or a part of it. See, I’m a priest in a little town called–

Chuck
Look! There’s Mallory! [Shouting MALLORY! This guy needs some help understanding how a train-city works. That’s Mallory; she’ll help you out, just don’t be a jerk, or, too big of a jerk. Sorry, Your Holiness, we got work to do.

Father Ben
[Under his breath] “Your Holiness”? That’s just the Pope…

Chuck [reporting]
And here comes Mayor Bespin herself with the traditional giant set of scissors to do the cutting for Red Line’s brand new God on Wheels!

 

Emily Bespin—Sam Musher
[Microphone squeal.] My dear Red Lineans. Today makes a proud occasion, one I hope you show your ever-increasing thanks for. For today marks the occasion that we bring GOD to Red Line, which it so desperately needs. Now some in the gossip rags have dared ask if me and my hallowed, humble honey roll Ethan and I are actually Catholic. To which I say: there is a Saint Emily, isn’t there? But obviously we couldn’t name the cathedral Saint Emily, although that was an original draft. The Patron Saint of Single Women? That’s… I mean. Haha. Right? HAHAHA? RIGHT?

Kavlyn—Daisy Guevara
HA HA HA YES RIGHT HA HA HA.

Emily
HAHAHA ALL THE UNMARRIED WOMEN ALL THE UNMARRIED WOMEN

Kavlyn

IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU BETTER PUT A RING ON IT

Emily
No, but there is a ring on it. I have a ring, right here. It’s a big one. Did you miss it?

Kavlyn
No, but, like, it’s the song?

Emily
I’ve never managed to get past that one insipid line. Anyway! I’m proud to present you with Saint Ethan’s, Red Line’s first Catholic cathedral, here for you to scrub your dirty deeds away, thanks to Legion and a solid investment from yours truly. You know what they say, “cleanliness is next to godliness”, and nothing cleans like money. Which is a lesson you could all stand to learn. Step into our state-of-the-art sin scrubber and tell Legion your disgusting little secrets. Then, step out and embrace your penance: the sanctifying power of a hard day’s work for just enough compensation to keep you coming back for more! You’re welcome! [to Kavlyn]Kavlyn? The scissors.

[Kalvyn cuts the ribbon]

Emily
What—what did you—?

Kavlyn
You said the scissors.

Emily

HAND me the scissors. HAND them to me!

Kavlyn
Sure, here you go, you girlboss queen you!

Emily
I MEANT BEFORE! WHEN YOU–I–I AM THE MAYOR! THE MAYOR IS SUPPOSED TO CUT!

Kavlyn
Ohhhhhhhhhhh. [Pause.] Sorry.


Emily
Tie it back together so I can cut again.

Kavlyn
They’re kinda already going inside, so–

Emily
TIE!

[Kavlyn ties. Emily cuts.]

Emily
And with that, Saint Ethan’s is open here at Andrew station. [Awkward reading]Andrew! Named for one of Christ’s Apostles! Brother of Mr. Simon-Peter himself! A guy so good they gave him two names! 

 

[Protest fades out.]

Mallory—Johanna Bodnyk

Saint Ethan. Know what Saint Ethan is the patron saint of?

Father Ben
I don’t, actually.

Mallory
Fuck-ups. For real. Technically, it’s goofs. Like… funny mistakes? But nobody says goofs unless you’re some shitting-in-a-diaper grandpa old fart, so fuck-ups sounds funnier, you know?

Father Ben
Uh, sure.

Mallory
I’m Mallory. Chuck-O said you needed some train intel.

Father Ben
Oh! Yeah. You… you two know each other?

Mallory
Sure, we’re tight. I give him solid interviews, he fed my pets when I burned my back with beans.

Father Ben
Right. I’m Ben, a priest from a small Central New York town. I heard about this new church and had to see it for myself. Looks like they’re letting people in but–what’s with the crowd of people on the side?

 

Mallory
My guess? They’re not Red-sidents and they can’t afford the Prole Pass. 

Father Ben
What’s a Prole Pass?

Mallory
We used to have CharlieCards? You know, “Charlie on the MTA”? About three bucks a ride, which, don’t get me wrong, that’s already way too much. But now that Her Honorable Mayor Shitheel is in charge, you need to fork over a fuck-ton of cash just to enter Red Line as a passenger. The only entrants are Red-sidents and VIPs.

Father Ben
The Church doesn’t have VIPs. 

Mallory

[Scoffs.] Riiiiiight!

Father Ben
Is this the part where you tell me about the rooms made of gold in the Vatican?

Mallory
That’s the least of what I can say and you know it.

Father Ben
Let me rephrase. The Church isn’t supposed to have VIPs. Everyone is welcome.

Mallory
So what are you gonna do about it?

Father Ben

Me? I don’t live here. I mean, I’m–I’m kinda on vacation?

Mallory
If anyone is a hearer of a word and not a fucking doer, he’s like a man who stares the fuck out of his own face in a mirror. Because he looks up and down at his own dumbass face but walks away and flat out fucking forgets what he saw. [Pause.] I’m paraphrasing, but–

Father Ben
The Epistle of James. 

 

Mallory
Sure, maybe, I don’t have them memorized.

Father Ben
Just like that one?

Mallory
It’s better than most.

Father Ben
Sure. Okay. Vacation over. You joining me?

Mallory
Fuck no. I step in there and the train might catch fire.

Father Ben
Don’t sell yourself short.

Mallory
Is that a height joke?

Father Ben
Never. You’re a goliath in hiding.

Mallory
Fuckin’ A. And you seem alright though, for what you are. I may check back later. Best of luck inside the Patron Saint of Fuck-ups, Padre!

 

LEGION CONFESSIONAL

 

Father Ben—Casey Callaghan

Excuse me…

 

Emily Bespin—Sam Musher

Kinda in the middle of something here.

 

Father Ben

I know, and I wouldn’t interrupt if it wasn’t important, but I’m hoping I could have a word with the bishop before everything gets rolling. Well, not rolling, I didn’t intend the train pun. Though, now that I think about it, I guess the point actually is that I’d like to have a chat with the bishop literally before the train starts rolling.

 

Emily

What bishop?

 

Father Ben

Is the bishop not here for the opening of the cathedral? That’s surprising. But the priest, then. I just need to have a brief chat, clergy to clergy.

 

Emily

There’s no need for a priest. We’ve got a top-of-the-line Legion Assistant all set up, ordained, and ready to take confessions and grant absolution.

 

Father Ben

Who on earth ordained a computer?

 

Emily

I did! I glued the cross on myself!

 

Kavlyn

Actually, I was the one…

 

Emily

I had Kavlyn glue the cross on myself!

 

Father Ben
That’s not how ordination works! But I’m starting to find it less surprising that you’ve got an inflatable wiggler steeple.

 

Emily

That’s a safety precaution! If it weren’t inflatable, it’d get knocked off in the tunnels! But anyway, the confessional’s all good and ready for its first user. Go on, Kavlyn, you’re up.

 

Kavlyn

Oh, I’m not Catholic.

 

Emily

You are today!

 

Kavlyn

I am? Huh. I had no idea! Boy, every day sure is full of surprises, isn’t it?

 

[Kavlyn exits.]

 

Father BenWhy are people on the platform chanting “Let us confess?” Why wouldn’t they be allowed to confess?

 

Emily
Oh, them? They’re criminals.

 

Father Ben

Confession is usually encouraged for criminals…

 

[Organ music plays. Kavlyn enters the confessional and slides the door closed.]

 

Kavlyn

Now, what do I do? Oh, right! I posted a sign with instructions! Well that’s helpful! Let’s see… [Reading] “Step 1: Activate the device by saying the wake phrase ‘Bless me Father Legion for I have sinned…’”

 

[Device wake chime.]

 

Legion Assistant—Terrence Worell Jr.

What would you like to confess today?

 

Kavlyn

Oh! It works! Okay. Um. I guess… I guess I should confess that I messed up at work today.

 

Legion Assistant

I’m sorry to hear that. Can you tell me more about “messed up at work today”?

 

Kavlyn

Well, we were holding a grand opening ceremony for the first cathedral in Red Line. And there was a ribbon-cutting ceremony, and my job was to hold the scissors. But I thought I was supposed to cut the ribbon too, so I did. But I guess I was just supposed to hand the scissors to the mayor so she could cut the ribbon. And I guess she was really looking forward to it, but she seemed really disappointed. Now I feel bad that I ruined her special day.

 

Legion Assistant

I’m sorry to hear that. Can you tell me more about “ruined her special day”?

 

Kavlyn

Well… I think that’s it, really.

 

[Acknowledgement chime plays.]

 

Legion Assistant

Thank you for your confession. You have made a valuable contribution to Red Line’s citizen database. 

 

[Processing bleeps.]

 

[Acknowledgement chime plays.]

 

For your sins, you will say ten Hail Marys.

 

Kavlyn

Oh, okay. Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary, Hail Mary. Is that all?

 

Legion Assistant

You are hereby absolved of all sin. Have a nice day.

 

Kavlyn

Wow, that’s awesome! Thank you!

 

[Kavlyn exits the confessional. Guy enters and takes a seat.]

 

Guy—Mike Linden
Bless me, Father Legion, for I have sinned.

 

Legion Assistant

What would you like to confess today?

 

Guy
No questions!

 

Legion Assistant

I’m sorry to hear that. Can you tell me more about “no questions”?

 

Guy

NO QUESTIONS!

 

[Error chime plays.]

 

Legion Assistant

I’m sorry, I don’t think I understood.

 

Guy

Truck.

 

Legion Assistant

Truck.

 

Guy

Yes, truck.

 

Legion Assistant

Can you tell me more about “truck?”

 

Guy

No questions!

 

[Error chime.]

 

Legion Assistant

Truck!

 

Guy

Truck!

 

Legion Assistant

Truck?

 

Guy
That’s a question!

 

[Error chime plays.]

 

Legion Assistant

No questions.

 

Guy

No questions. Good.

 

Legion Assistant

Would you like me to disable all functionality related to questions?

 

Guy
NO QUESTIONS!

 

[Acknowledgement chime.]

 

Legion Assistant

Acknowledged.

 

[Processing bleeps.]

 

All question-related functionality has been disabled. Thank you for your confession. You have made a valuable contribution to Red Line’s citizen database. You are absolved of all sin.

 

Guy
This. Was not helpful.

 

[Guy exits the confessional. Wanda enters.]

 

Wanda—Tanja Milojevich
Bless me, Father Legion, for I have sinned.

 

[Wake chime.]

 

Legion Assistant

Confess.

 

Wanda

Whoah, what the shit?

 

[Error chime.]

 

Legion Assistant

No questions.

 

Wanda
What?

 

[Error chime.]

 

Legion Assistant

No questions.

 

Wanda
What kinda bullshit is this? I came here for answers! This ain’t gonna work if I can’t ask no questions!

 

Legion Assistant

Confess.

 

Wanda

Fuck you. You confess, ya piss a shit!

 

[Processing bleeps.]

 

Legion Assistant

Truck!

 

[Wanda storms out of the confessional, bringing us back to Emily and Ben, still arguing.]

 

Wanda
Hey! Hey lady! That robo-priest a’ yours ain’t workin’!

 

Emily

What? Of course it’s working! It’s Legion!

 

Wanda

Legion of Junk maybe. It just keeps sayin’ I can’t ask no questions, then yellin’ “truck” at me. What the hell is that?

 

Emily

Truck?

 

Wanda
Truck!

 

Guy [off-stage]

Truck.

 

Wanda

Yeah, “truck.” Right? What the fuck?

 

Emily

Well, that’s no good! 

 

Wanda
Yeah, I fuckin’ know that ain’t no good, that’s why I’m fuckin’ tellin’ ya!

 

Emily
It’s the grand opening! It’ll ruin the whole event if we can’t take confessions!

 

Father Ben
I can take confessions.

 

Emily

Who the hell are you?

 

Father Ben

Father Ben. Visiting priest. Legitimately ordained visiting priest. I’d be happy to step in.

 

Emily

Oh. Well. Good. Let’s do that, then.

 

Father Ben
Conditional.

 

Emily

Fuck.

 

Father Ben

Condition 1: Stop swearing at me.

 

Emily

Fine, whatever.

 

Father Ben
Condition 2: No one gets excluded.

 

Emily

What?

 

Father Ben

The so-called “criminals.” I’m taking their confessions.

 

Emily

But they’re banished!

 

Father Ben

Not from the church, they aren’t.

 

Emily

Ugh! WHY??

 

Father Ben

Look, do you want a priest or not?

 

Emily

Hnnggg, just hold me hostage, why don’t you? Fine! Have it your way, you f-f-f—flipping terrorist!

 

Father Ben

Yeah, I think I’m going to say calling me “terrorist” counts as a swear. Oh, and anyone who tried confessing to the computer gets a do-over. I’ll be in the confessional. And don’t even think of going back on your word while I’m not looking. I’ve already spoken to that news crew over there once, and I’d be happy to do so again. You can go ahead and send the first parishioner in. 

 

FORGIVE WANDA

 

[Father Ben enters his side of the confessional, presses “stop” on a cassette player, turning off the organ music, then sits.]

 

[Wanda enters, then slides the confessional door closed.]

 

Wanda—Tanja Milojevich
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been about… fifteenminutes since my last confession.

 

Father Ben
You mean when you were talking with that computer? I think you can safely take a mulligan on that one. How long has it been since your last confession before that?

 

Wanda

Seven days.

 

Father Ben
Last Sunday! So you’re a regular church-goer?

 

Wanda
Every week! I ain’t missed a Sunday mass since I had the chicken pox in third grade! Stupid pox. I coulda had a perfect record.

 

Father Ben

Well, I think God understands that “perfect attendance” isn’t the most important goal. What would you like to confess?

 

Wanda
Well… first off, I used some profane language when I was talking to the Holy Computer.

 

Father Ben
Mm. Okay, let me just say—and I cannot stress this enough—the computer is absolutely not holy. It’s just a computer, and really shouldn’t have been treated as a divine intermediary in the first place. Whatever language you used for it may have been profane in its own right, but directing it at the computer specifically is no better or worse than swearing at any other inanimate object.

 

Wanda
But it was wearing a cross…

 

Father Ben

It was decorated with a cross. Anything can be decorated with a cross. That doesn’t automatically make it holy.

 

Wanda
If you say so, father. Also, I’ve been having lustful thoughts…about a gay-married Jewish mailman.

 

Father Ben

O…kay. So, I’m not entirely sure which part of that you’re concerned about? But the most important thing here is that, for a variety of reasons, this person probably wouldn’t welcome your advances, so you should respect his boundaries.

 

Wanda

He’s got a real cute butt, though.

 

Father Ben

His butt’s cuteness notwithstanding, it’s his butt. And he may not appreciate being leered at.

 

Wanda

Oh. I guess. I’ll try, father. So, the last thing is about my friend. We been goin’ to church together these last few months, and it’s been real nice, y’know, having a friend like that. 

 

Father Ben

Oh, that’s really nice to hear!

 

Wanda

The problem is, she’s a pinko commie socialist. And, yeah, I gotta be honest, I knew that from the start. I mean, the whole time we was trashing that VICKI fare machine, she was going on about proletariat this and that and all.

 

Father Ben

Wait… you vandalized a fare machine?

 

Wanda

And I figured that’s her business and all. I mean, she goes to church, so she can’t be one of those atheist commie pinko socialists. She’s probably still a good person. But that’s where we get to the problem here. See… I know she’s been helping people, but, like… Mayor Bespin says we ain’t supposed to be helping? She ain’t told me; I just put two and two together and did the math when she told me she was one place, but then I seen her up to somethin’ someplace else. But then the cops came around asking for her, and like, I could’a narced on her, but I didn’t. I stuck to the story she gave me.

 

But now, like… I know somethin’ she don’t want me to know. So it’s kinda like I’m in her business where I don’t belong, right? And I don’t know if I’m lyin’ by not telling her I know, or if I’m just bein’ respectful by not pressing on something she don’t wanna talk about. But honestly, if she’s gonna use me as an alibi, it’s easier to lie if I don’t know the truth in the first place. So maybe it’s all for the best how it is?

 

Father Ben
Okay. So, I don’t know what your friend is actually doing, and a lot of this really depends on the answer to that question? I mean… lying to the police is certainly a risky choice, though I’ll admit that there are times when lying is the lesser of two evils…

 

Wanda

See, that’s what I’m saying! It ain’t lyin’ if I don’t know the truth.

 

Father Ben

Which is a technicality at best. But you’re concerned that she’s not being honest with you…?

 

Wanda

No, no, that ain’t it. Honesty ain’t always about tellin’ the whole truth. We talk about honesty like it means we always gotta tell people everything about ourselves all the time. But that ain’t honesty. Some things is just private, and keepin’ what’s private private ain’t dishonest. Ah… look… I trust that she ain’t doin’ anything bad. And if she don’t want me to know, that’s okay. That don’t make her dishonest, because it’s none of my business in the first place. What’s dishonest is me pretendin’ like I don’t know, because whether or not I know is her business. I’m walkin’ around carrying her secret, and she don’t even know it’s exposed. Ya know?

 

Father Ben

So… she lied to you, and now you’re worried that you’re being dishonest with her by not letting on that you saw through her lie?

 

Wanda
Yeah, now you get it!

 

Father Ben

Well… maybe you need to let her know what you know. She may even want you to know. It’s rare that secrets stay secret forever, in part because carrying secrets can be a heavy weight. If she really didn’t want you to know, she probably would’ve hidden the truth better in the first place. But if you want to respect her privacy, you can do that by just not asking her any questions about it. Either way, I don’t think you need to feel bad. You didn’t intentionally go snooping, and you haven’t used what you know in any malicious way. So I think you should have a clean conscience here. I mean, apart from vandalizing that fare machine, which you definitely need to atone for.

 

Wanda
Nah, that was fine! Like Jesus kicking over the moneychangers table in the temple! Sometimes you gotta kick over a table to lift up the workin’ class!

 

Father Ben

I’m not sure that’s a good comparison…

 

Wanda
Anyway, I oughta clear out so your next person can get in. You’ve been real helpful, Father. See you next week.

 

Father Ben

Oh, I won’t actually be here next…

 

[She exits.]

 

[Fat Stanley B. enters.]

 

FORGIVE YARD GOAT

Fat Stanley B.—Vinay P. Nariani
Look I’m only hears cause Bespin’s makin’ the whole team confess or whatever. But I ain’ done no roids, I ai’ never do no dope, I do’ neven drink, for chrissake. You ain’t makin me piss in no cup neither!

 

Father Ben—Casey Callaghan
Well, that won’t be necessary. Are there any other sins you’d like to confess? Stealing?

 

Fat Stanley B.
Uhhh, stole second base two week ago against the Portland Porters?

 

Father Ben
I think that’s the okay kind of stealing. Cheating?

 

Fat Stanley B.
Cheat? CHEAT? YOU CALLIN ME A CHEATER YOU—

 

Father Stanley
No! No, just… asking a question.

 

[Fat Stanley B. sighs as he comes down off of it.]

 

Father Ben
Lying?

 

[Pause.]

 

[Fat Stanley B. whimpers a little.]

 

Father Ben
You… okay?

 

[“Childgrove” plays.]

 

[Fat Stanley B. busts into a real ugly cry.]

 

Fat Stanley B.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I been lying the whole time. I’m so sorry.

 

Father Ben

Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. That’s what you’re here for. 

 

[Fat Stanley B. is still really ugly crying.]

 

Father Ben
Okay, deep breaths, buddy. In.

 

[Fat Stanley B. takes a deep breath in.]

 

Father Ben
Out.

 

[Fat Stanley B. exhales.]

 

Father Ben
In.

 

[Fat Stanley B. takes a deep breath in.]

 

Father Ben
Out.

 

[Fat Stanley B. exhales.]

 

Father Ben
Better?

 

Fat Stanley B.
Yeah. Sorry about that.

 

Father Ben
Happens more often than you’d think. You okay to talk about it?

 

Fat Stanley B.
Yeah, yeah, it’s actually somethin’ thas been wayin pretty heavy on me. Specially since I got signed to the Yard Goats. See my motha, sweet, sweet Loreta, wonderful woman, bless her soul… ever since I got signed she keeps sayin, “There ya go Stany boy, just a couple years and you’ll be on to…

 

[Fat Stanley B. whimpers a little.]

 

Father Ben
It’s okay, take your time.

 

Fat Stanley B.On to… ya favorite team–the Red Sawks.”

 

[Fat Stanley B. cries a bit more.]

 

Father Ben
Oh, I see… You’re not a Red Sox fan?

 

Fat Stanley B
No. Never have been. Can say whens exactly it started. But ever since I was a boy I knew, deep down, I knew— [little whimper] I’M A YANKEES FAN! And I been lyin to her the whole time. I feel awful. I feel down right rottin. How could I lie to my own motha?

 

[Fat Stanley B. cries a bit more.]

 

Father Ben
It’s okay. It happens to the best of us. And look, I’m not usually one for ranking the Ten Commandments, but honoring thy mother and father is technically on the list before bearing false witness. Is this something you could talk to her about?

 

[Music fades out.]

 

Fat Stanley B.
And give sweet Loretta a heart attack?? No sir! Ain’t thou shalt not kill on the list too?

 

Father Ben
Yeah, it’s pretty high up there. And I can tell you love your mother very much. Here’s what I want you to do for penance. The next time you watch a Red Sox game with Loretta—I want you to imagine that when you’re rooting for the Red Sox, you’re actually rooting for your mom to have a good time. You’re not actually rooting for the Red Sox to win. You’re rooting for Loretta to win. Do you think you can do that?

 

Fat Stanley B. [wiping away tears]

Ya, I thinks I can. 

 

Father Ben
And when you do eventually get drafted by the Yankees…

 

Fat Stanley B.
If!

 

Father Ben
When! Your mother will hopefully be there to cheer for you, just like you were cheering for her.

 

Fat Stanley B.
Thank you, Father. But real quick—between you and me…

 

Father Ben
Sorry, I’m a Los Angeles Angels fan. Have been ever since that movie with Cristopher Lloyd and Joseph Gordon-Levitt and, don’t even get me started on the performance by Tony Danza.

 

Fat Stanley B.
Yeah, Angels in the Outfield. Coach is always goin’ on about it. Well, thanks again, Father.

 

Father Ben
Anytime.

 

FORGIVE NICHOLE

 

[The train stops briefly for a moment and the doors open, allowing redsidents to exit and enter the church car. Footsteps approach and take a seat next to Father Ben.]

 

[“Tosa Waltz” plays.]

 

Father Ben—Casey Callaghan
It’s you again! How nice of you to join me on this communal commute. How long has it been since your last confession?

 

Nichole Fonzarelli—Kristin DiMercurio

[Chuckling] Longer than I can count, Father, but that’s not why I’m here today.

 

Father Ben

Oh? What can I do for you, then, Ms…?

 

Nichole

Fonzarelli, Nichole Fonzarelli.

 

Father Ben [amused]

Wait, like the fonz? Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli?

 

Nichole [tired]

No relation. 

 

Father Ben

I should hope not! He’s a fictional character, after all.

 

Nichole
Who’s to say we aren’t all fictional characters, in our own way?

 

Father Ben
You know, I guess I’ve never thought of it that way. But you might be right.

 

Nichole

I often am.

 

Father Ben

So, what can I do for you, Ms. Fonzarelli?

 

Nichole

Nichole is fine. I’m here with the Underground—a news station local to Red Line.

 

Father Ben

Of course. Where’s your partner that you were off with earlier?

 

Nichole

Oh, Chuck-o? He’s off chasing the mayor for more b-roll on this absolute disaster. But I thought I’d swing by and get your perspective on this… whole thing.

 

Father Ben [tickled]

It’s so… different here, isn’t it? Pretty wild to think that so many people have chosen to live a life of constant motion. Gives me a bit of vertigo if I think about it for too long, if I’m being honest. 

 

Nichole

So, what do you think?

 

Father Ben
It’s… more state of the art than I typically expect from the Catholic Church. But I suppose it’s good for us to be always looking toward the future.

 

Nichole

Hah! That’s one way to describe this Legion monstrosity. So, Father, where do you usually preach?

 

Father Ben

Oh, you probably haven’t heard of it. I’m in a small town in Central New York, just outside of Binghamton.

 

Nichole

No shit—tell me you’re not talking about St. Patrick’s?

 

Father Ben [shocked]

You’ve been there?

 

Nichole
Took care of all your typical sacraments there—first communion, confession, confirmation, etc… Gosh, I haven’t thought about that place in literal years. The last time I was in a church was probably to sit across the screen from Father Klem, that old German kook—is he still there?

 

Father Ben

He certainly is… and of course, Nichole! I don’t know why I didn’t put two and two together straight away. Your parents are so proud of you.

 

Nichole

Heh, tell me about it. Well, the next time you see Klem, you tell him hello from his littlest Fonzie, will you? He’s always had a soft spot for me.

 

Father Ben

I’d be happy to. Is there anything else I can do for you, for your story?

 

Nichole

I just… I’m kinda surprised to see you endorsing this place, if I’m being honest. I know the Church has its blemishes, but the thing I loved about Saint Pat’s was the community spirit that you got from taking part in it, you know? 

 

Father Ben

Just because I’m providing a service to the people of Red Line doesn’t mean I’m tacitly agreeing with the way things are run down here. Almost everyone that I have met today has been nothing but kind, so why should I prevent any of them from receiving the absolution they deserve?

 

Nichole

You’re right. These folks? They’re kind, barring some pretty noteworthy exceptions. And no, I wouldn’t ever tell you to stop doing your job since it’s something you’re so passionate about. But I want you to ask yourself what becomes of those people once they lose you, a real flesh-and-blood, human type. Do you honestly think they’ll be getting what they deserve once the robot’s back up and running?

 

Father Ben

St. Ethan’s is certainly more… transactional than I would prefer it to be, but I’m not so daft as to say there’s no precedence for this specific brand of Catholic-themed capitalism. But, if you grew up going to St. Pat’s, Nichole, you know as well as I do that every church community has quite a lot more to it than playing the part of a cog in the greater machine of organized religion.

 

Nichole

That’s the rub, isn’t it? I know you’re not from around here. Hell, neither am I, but Bespin’s Red Line? It’s not a place I can see putting together any charitable fundraisers for the people of this city, if you catch my drift.

 

Father Ben

I think you might be surprised what a place like this can bring out in people, Nichole. Sure, the intent behind its creation may not be exactly pure, but it’s got a habit of attracting the kind of folks who find a way to do whatever small bits of good they can for each other. Questionably ordained Legion Assistant or not, I think that this place has a chance to be a real force for change in this city.

 

Nichole

I hope you’re right, Father. But I can’t say I’ve got much faith in anything created by the Bespin family.

 

Father Ben

Just give it time; you might be surprised to see what it becomes once it’s out of their hands. And if you’re ever back home visiting your folks, why don’t you stop by the old stomping grounds? 

 

Nichole

I don’t know, Father, I don’t really practice anymore…

 

Father Ben

Just think about it. I’m sure Klem would be thrilled to see the return of the Fonz.

 

Nichole [laughing]

We’ll see, Father, we’ll see.

 

[The train stops again, and Nichole stands from her seat to run off, before it begins to move again.]

 

[Music fades out.]

 

FORGIVE MALLORY

 

[A knock on the confessional door. Father Ben opens the door.]

 

Mallory—Johanna Bodnyk
What’s up, Father Big Ben? Holdin’ down the fucking fort?

Father Ben
Mallory. You’re inside and we’re not on fire.

Mallory

Blasphemy works in mysterious ways.

Father Ben
Speaking of blasphemy…

 

[Father Ben presses the button on the cassette player, starting the organ music back up, then steps out of the confessional.]

 

…can you maybe… be mindful of your language?

Mallory
The fuck you talkin’ about?

Father Ben
That. I’m talking about that. Your… colorful metaphors.

Mallory

Sorry, Padre, you didn’t strike me as a prude.

Father Ben
I’m not!

Mallory
I took you for, like… the hip young priest trying to blend in with the youth.

Father Ben
I’m certainly not that, either.

Mallory
I know. It was a joke. Here. I brought you tea.

Father Ben
That’s… thoughtful of you.

Mallory
You seemed like a tea guy, and this place is rough. Boston has weirdos up the a… caboose. Red Line is all caboose.

 

[Father BEN takes a sip.]

 

Father Ben
It has been interesting, but I’m accustomed to weird.

Mallory
Sure you are.

Father Ben
One of my last parishioners spoke to me about his jealousy concerning his wife’s relationship with their pet pig?

Mallory
No way, pet pig? Gotta say I’m Team Wife over here.

Father Ben
You’re a big animal lover, aren’t you?

Mallory
Understatement of the year.

Father Ben
Where does that come from, do you think?

Mallory
No, no, you’re not doing that to me. This is just the regular old train church with pews and shit. We’re not in a confessional, and I’m not opening myself up to get my head shrunk by the lord.

Father Ben
Fair enough. But. Something keeps bringing you back here.

Mallory
I feel sorry for you, that’s all. You’re stepping into a red hot sinful pain train. And I pick up on creep vibes, and I get none for you. So congratulations. As far as priests go, you’re cool, Padre Prude. 

 

Father Ben
I appreciate that, even if I don’t entirely believe it.

Mallory
You calling me a liar?

Father Ben
It’s more that I’m not entirely sure I buy that you think I’m cool.

Mallory
You forgot the “as far as priests go” part.

Father Ben
Got it. Am I in your top five?

Mallory
Priests? Top three!

Father Ben
Nice.

Mallory
Think there’s only three, though. And one of them–

Father Ben
Don’t–please. Don’t remind me.

Mallory
Yeah. This is Boston, after all.

Father Ben
You were raised Catholic.

Mallory

Mmm. More like someone attempted to raise me Catholic.

Father Ben
And enough of it took for you to paraphrase a profane version of the Epistle of James.

Mallory
Are you doing what I told you not to do?

Father Ben
I’m not perfect, but I know people, and I know that a foul-mouthed but smart young woman wouldn’t be spending her time hanging out with an out-of-town priest if there wasn’t something on her mind. 

 

Mallory [leaving in a huff]
You’re right, I shouldn’t be.

Father Ben [pleading]
Mallory!

Mallory
Know why I like animals? Because they’re so fucking lost and helpless, and that makes them innocent. I like letting them know someone gives a shit—someone is looking out for them. I sized you up instantly. You’re a lost little animal who doesn’t know his frock from his collar. But if an animal bites when they’re warned not to, they go back into the wild. Enjoy your Red Line ride, Padre Prude. 

 

Father Ben
Wait. [Pause.] If…if…and when… you’re ready to talk—about anything—we can just talk. It doesn’t have to be here, it doesn’t have to be about anything specific. Thanks for caring for wild and innocent things. I like to think that we’re the same that way.

Mallory
The only reason I haven’t left yet is because we’re pulling into the station.

 

[Awkward pause.]

Father Ben
This sort of thing must happen here often.

Mallory
I wouldn’t know. I don’t hang out in Red Line much anymore since it’s gone to hell.

 

[Red Line doors open.]

That’s my cue. 

 

[Red Line doors close.]

 

AN UNMITIGATED FAILURE

 

[We shift to the other side of the busy train.]

 

[News jingle plays.]

 

Chuck Octagon—Jeff Van Dreason

This is Chuck Octagon and my beloved co-host, Nichole Fonzerelli, for the Underground.

 

Nichole Fonzarelli—Kristin DiMercurio

And we’re coming to you live from St. Ethan’s Church on the Red Line as new parishioners line the car to unburden their souls—

 

Emily Bespin—Sam Musher

[Clears her throat.]Well, actually, it’s a cathedral. If you turgid pests must be here to document my special day, the least you can do is get your descriptions right.

 

Nichole

Yes, we heard the official name, but aren’t cathedrals usually like… huge, beautiful buildings with tons of stained glass and high, vaulted ceilings?

 

Emily

We have a steeple!

 

Chuck

I hate to defend our darling mayor, but she is right, Nichole. Cathedral, definition: a church that is the official seat of a diocesan bishop. As Red Line is no longer part of the greater Boston diocese, St. Ethan’s technically has every right to be considered a cathedral. So despite the fact that it has none of the landmark architecture one would typically associate with a building as magnificent as, say, The Cathedral of the Holy Cross, this train car counts. On a technicality, anyway.

 

Emily [annoyed]

Why would they need all that when we’ve got the first legally ordained Legion Assistant, ready to absolve Red Linean sins in moments flat?

 

NICHOLE [satisfied]

 

Ahh, yes, your fancy new gadget that broke in record time!

 

Emily

A simple glitch that I know my marshmallow marzipan, honey-soaked baklava boo-boo, hot-cross-bun Ethan will be able to fix ASAP. Now, if I could just direct you to the other side of the car, you’ll see that we actually do have some rather spectacular stained glass windows, if you just know what you’re looking for…

 

Nichole

At least you had that other priest on hand to sub in when you most needed this, or this opening would’ve been an unmitigated disaster, huh, Mayor Bespin?

 

Chuck

That’s right, you heard it here from the Mayor herself, folks: St. Ethan’s is an unmitigated disaster! Stay tuned after this message from our sponsors as we speak to some of the people that Mrs. Bespin would rather not be on this one-way ride to absolution.

 

Emily

NOW HOLD ON A MINUTE, DON’T YOU GO PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH!

 

[We fade out on Emily as the end credits music starts to play.]

 

COOKIE

 

Daisy Guevara

[Musically]

Thaaaat’s it!

[Speaking]

Okay, cool.

[With a NY accent.]

I can’t. I can’t tawk. I can’t tawk! 

[Cartoon voice.]

Okay… okay… okay… I love you! B’bye!